Memorable Quotes from Michael Tucker
12 quotesFamily Tensions and Unfulfilled Aspirations
Narrator
I found the show silly and always imagined my parents on it airing their standard complaints.
[about a therapist's radio show]
Mother
He's a business failure. He never finishes what he starts. We're forced to live with my relatives and thank God for them. And I should have married Sam Slotkin.
Father
Sam Slotkin's dead.
Mother
Yes, but while he was alive, he was working.
Father
She'd be lost without her whole family around her all the time, and you should see em. They're like some kind of tribe. They're like the Huns. Maybe if I had married a more encouraging woman, who knows?
Mother
So who do you think is right?
Mr. Abercrombie
I think you both deserve each other.
Mother
What does that mean?
Father
Look, we didn't come here to be insulted.
Mother
I love him, but what did I do to deserve him?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A New Player Joins the Team
Dwayne
Yee-haw! How's everybody? Y'all ready to play some puck?
Jesse
Hey, look, it's Hop-Along Gretzky!
[rest of the Ducks laugh]
Tibbles
That's Dwayne Robertson, from Austin. He's the best puck handler I've ever seen.
Gordon
You mean, for his age.
Tibbles
No, I don't.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Teenage Challenges and Hormonal Chaos
Gordon
That guy's a teenager?
[Sees Portman for the first time]
Portman
Don't you know that everything's on FIRE?
[Skating along, singing to music on his headphones, knocking Ducks players over as he does so]
Tibbles
Uh, yeah, hormones.
Gordon
He's a goon!
Portman
C'mon, Tex, sing it with me! "Everything's..." Here you go, sweetie!
[Knocks another player over and puts his arm around Dwayne; Dwayne shakes his head, Portman continues on; pushes another player over and tosses his stick to Julie]
Gordon
My kids don't play that kind of hockey.
Tibbles
I believe they're called "enforcers", Gordon. And when you play Iceland, you're gonna need him.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Father's Frustration with His Child's Distractions
Father
Why can't you be like that, huh? Why can't you be a genius? I'll tell you why. Because you're too busy listening to the radio all the time. That's why!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Humorous Take on Conflict Resolution
Father
What do they want, those Nazis? To slaughter everyone on the planet?
Mother
The Nazis, the Communists. The world would be better off without any of them, believe me. Come here. You know what ] said, don't you? He said, to settle a war the leaders of the countries involved should meet in a stadium and fight it out with socks filled with horse manure.
[[W.C. Fields]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Reality and Fantasy Blur in New Jersey
Gil's Agent
Tom Baxter's come down off the screen and he's running around New Jersey!... Nobody knows how it happened, but he's done it.
Gil Shepherd
How can he do that? It's not physically possible!
Gil's Agent
In New Jersey anything can happen.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Naming Dilemmas in a Family Conversation
Mother
If it's a girl, I thought we could name it Lola.
Father
Lola? What do you want her to be, a stripper?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Comedic Moment of Team Chaos
Dwayne
This is more crowded than a truckload of goats.
Julie
Somebody better watch their hands.
Averman
Yecch. Somebody licked me!
Fulton
Ugh, I smell something.
Entire team
GOLDBERG!
Goldberg
It wasn't me!
Portman
No, it was me!
Gordon
I can't think of any fashion to make it clearer. You are a team. To win this thing, we're going to need to work as one. Now, as ONE–––skate!
Gordon
Everyone goes their own way, everyone falls down. Now get up and do it again!
Gordon
Alright, Rancher Dwayne. Go round me up some stray calf.
[Then he promises double dessert to the last player left standing]
Tibbles
I know you athletes need your food, but let me interrupt you for a moment. Winning the Junior Goodwill Games is more than just a victory. It's a chance to be immortalized in a time-honored tradition.
Dwayne
Hey, that's us!
Tibbles
Today it's a cereal box. Tomorrow it's video games, action figures, lunch boxes. Perhaps they'll even make a movie about you. Stranger facts have happened. Now, just where everybody knows who you are, put away these old Duck jerseys because from now on you'll be wearing these!
Charlie
This stuff has Hendrix written all over it.
Gordon
They're our sponsors, Charlie.
Charlie
Then what? Why can't we be USA Ducks or at least keep our Duck colors?
Gordon
Charlie, it's business stuff.
[The fact is, he explains, they aren't the Ducks anymore. They are a new team. Team USA]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Father's Unfiltered Affection
Father
You're lucky I love you, you old douchebag.
[to Mother]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Dreams and Nightmares in Life's Journey
Boogie
You know I got plans.
Bagel
Always a dreamer, hey, Boog?
Boogie
If you don't have good dreams, Bagel, you got nightmares.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Risks of Free Love in the Neighborhood
Mother
Better be careful. The daughter believes in free love.
Father
Why do you say that?
Mother
You heard what happened to Mrs. Silverman? She couldn't sleep. She was up one night taking a cup of tea and she heard a car pull up 3:00 in the morning. So, you know Mrs. Silverman. She always likes to know what's going on. So, she's peeking out her front door and there's the girl across the street coming back from a folk-singing thing with a tall colored man. You're not gonna believe this, Ceil. She gives the guy a big, long kiss. Well, you can imagine how Rose Silverman reacted. She had a stroke on the spot.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Endless Arguments Over Oceans and More
Narrator
Then there were my father and mother, two people who could find an argument in any subject.
Father
Wait, you think the Atlantic is a greater ocean than the Pacific?
Mother
No. Have it your way. The Pacific is greater.
Narrator
I mean, how many people argue over oceans?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.