Michael TuckerQuotes

Mother: If it's a girl, I thought we could name it Lola.

Father: Lola? What do you want her to be, a stripper?

Father: What do they want, those Nazis? To slaughter everyone on the planet?

Mother: [[W.C. Fields] The Nazis, the Communists. The world would be better off without any of them, believe me. Come here. You know what ] said, don't you? He said, to settle a war the leaders of the countries involved should meet in a stadium and fight it out with socks filled with horse manure.

Mother: Better be careful. The daughter believes in free love.

Father: Why do you say that?

Mother: You heard what happened to Mrs. Silverman? She couldn't sleep. She was up one night taking a cup of tea and she heard a car pull up 3:00 in the morning. So, you know Mrs. Silverman. She always likes to know what's going on. So, she's peeking out her front door and there's the girl across the street coming back from a folk-singing thing with a tall colored man. You're not gonna believe this, Ceil. She gives the guy a big, long kiss. Well, you can imagine how Rose Silverman reacted. She had a stroke on the spot.

Narrator: [about a therapist's radio show] I found the show silly and always imagined my parents on it airing their standard complaints.

Mother: He's a business failure. He never finishes what he starts. We're forced to live with my relatives and thank God for them. And I should have married Sam Slotkin.

Father: Sam Slotkin's dead.

Mother: Yes, but while he was alive, he was working.

Father: She'd be lost without her whole family around her all the time, and you should see em. They're like some kind of tribe. They're like the Huns. Maybe if I had married a more encouraging woman, who knows?

Mother: So who do you think is right?

Mr. Abercrombie: I think you both deserve each other.

Mother: What does that mean?

Father: Look, we didn't come here to be insulted.

Mother: I love him, but what did I do to deserve him?

Narrator: Then there were my father and mother, two people who could find an argument in any subject.

Father: Wait, you think the Atlantic is a greater ocean than the Pacific?

Mother: No. Have it your way. The Pacific is greater.

Narrator: I mean, how many people argue over oceans?

Father: Why can't you be like that, huh? Why can't you be a genius? I'll tell you why. Because you're too busy listening to the radio all the time. That's why!

Father: [to Mother] You're lucky I love you, you old douchebag.

Dwayne: This is more crowded than a truckload of goats.

Julie: Somebody better watch their hands.

Averman: Yecch. Somebody licked me!

Fulton: Ugh, I smell something.

Entire team: GOLDBERG!

Goldberg: It wasn't me!

Portman: No, it was me!

Gordon: I can't think of any fashion to make it clearer. You are a team. To win this thing, we're going to need to work as one. Now, as ONE–––skate!

Gordon: Everyone goes their own way, everyone falls down. Now get up and do it again!

Gordon: [Then he promises double dessert to the last player left standing] Alright, Rancher Dwayne. Go round me up some stray calf.

Tibbles: I know you athletes need your food, but let me interrupt you for a moment. Winning the Junior Goodwill Games is more than just a victory. It's a chance to be immortalized in a time-honored tradition.

Dwayne: Hey, that's us!

Tibbles: Today it's a cereal box. Tomorrow it's video games, action figures, lunch boxes. Perhaps they'll even make a movie about you. Stranger facts have happened. Now, just where everybody knows who you are, put away these old Duck jerseys because from now on you'll be wearing these!

Charlie: This stuff has Hendrix written all over it.

Gordon: They're our sponsors, Charlie.

Charlie: Then what? Why can't we be USA Ducks or at least keep our Duck colors?

Gordon: [The fact is, he explains, they aren't the Ducks anymore. They are a new team. Team USA] Charlie, it's business stuff.

Gordon: [Sees Portman for the first time] That guy's a teenager?

Portman: [Skating along, singing to music on his headphones, knocking Ducks players over as he does so] Don't you know that everything's on FIRE?

Tibbles: Uh, yeah, hormones.

Gordon: He's a goon!

Portman: [Knocks another player over and puts his arm around Dwayne; Dwayne shakes his head, Portman continues on; pushes another player over and tosses his stick to Julie] C'mon, Tex, sing it with me! "Everything's..." Here you go, sweetie!

Gordon: My kids don't play that kind of hockey.

Tibbles: I believe they're called "enforcers", Gordon. And when you play Iceland, you're gonna need him.

Dwayne: Yee-haw! How's everybody? Y'all ready to play some puck?

Jesse: [rest of the Ducks laugh] Hey, look, it's Hop-Along Gretzky!

Tibbles: That's Dwayne Robertson, from Austin. He's the best puck handler I've ever seen.

Gordon: You mean, for his age.

Tibbles: No, I don't.

Gil's Agent: Tom Baxter's come down off the screen and he's running around New Jersey!... Nobody knows how it happened, but he's done it.

Gil Shepherd: How can he do that? It's not physically possible!

Gil's Agent: In New Jersey anything can happen.

Boogie: You know I got plans.

Bagel: Always a dreamer, hey, Boog?

Boogie: If you don't have good dreams, Bagel, you got nightmares.