Michelle Trachtenberg Quotes

Memorable Quotes from Michelle Trachtenberg

17 quotes

Harriet the Spy

Commentary on Perceptions of Coolness

Harriet M. Welsch Carrie Andrews thinks she's cool because she spent her summer vacation growing boobs.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Black Christmas

Missing Present Delays Secret Santa Celebration

Ms. Barbara MacHenry Billy, Billy, Billy..., Girls I can't find Billy's present under the tree here. Come on, girls, we can't start the Secret Santa without Billy's present. Hello? Who drew Billy's name?

[sighs; turns to each of the girls.]

Melissa Kitt Um, Ms. Mac, it's a Secret Santa.

Dana Mathis Can't we just get on with this thing, so I can party for a few days before having to deal with the family on Christmas.

[while painting her nails]

Melissa Kitt Have you looked outside? It's raining hail the size of Yao's ball sack.

Dana Mathis It'll stop. The party gods won't allow me to be here by myself over Christmas break.

Kelli Presley Oh, I'll be here, Dana.

[while wrapping the gift]

Dana Mathis Yeah, they're making me work next week.

Melissa Kitt That sucks everyone should be home for Christmas.

Ms. Barbara MacHenry All right, all right, Who's not here?

Kelli Presley Um, like everybody.

Ms. Barbara MacHenry Chelsea?

Kelli Presley She went home this morning.

Ms. Barbara MacHenry Greer?

Melissa Kitt No, that was her on the phone. She and Erin and Taylor are off on that cozy little ski trip with the boys from G.A.D. Next door.

Ms. Barbara MacHenry Didn't I see Clair earlier?

Kelli Presley Isn't she upstairs writing a card to her sister?

Melissa Kitt No, I think her sister picked her up earlier. Remember, this is the occasion for Clair and her sister and her mom to... bury the hatchet and rediscover each other.

Dana Mathis Oh, I'd like to bury the hatchet with my sister... right in her head.

[while dialing her phone]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Black Christmas

Searching for Dana Amidst Chaos

Melissa Kitt Dana where are you?!

Leigh Colvin She went around back to the fusebox!

Heather Fitzgerald Eve's car!, She never left!

Leigh Colvin Heather, we have to find Dana first!, Shit!

[Leigh follows Heather.]

Kelli Dana! The fusebox is under the house! Dana!

Melissa Kelli!

Melissa Oh my God.

Melissa Kitt Augh, I can't open it!

Kelli Presley Come on!

Heather Fitzgerald What she doing? Sleeping in her car? It's like zero degrees out.

Melissa Kitt HOLY FUCK!

Kelli Presley He's out here.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

EuroTrip

Friendship and Support in Awkward Moments

Scott This is Mieke's apartment building. Wish me all sorts of luck, guys.

Jenny You'll do great, Scotty.

Scott Thanks.

Cooper I came all this way. I'm not gonna miss this. Dude, Mieke's hideous! Run!

[''Grandmother greets door'']

Scott Stop. Hi, my name is Scott Thomas. I'm from America, and I'm here to see Mieke.

[''Mieke's father appears'']

Mieke's father I'm sorry, but Mieke's not here.

Scott Do you know where she is?

Mieke's father She's gone for the summer.

Mieke's father My daughter had intended to spend the summer in America, looking at colleges and visiting some friends. But several days ago, she suddenly changed her mind. She would not tell me why.

Scott I think I know why.

Mieke's father This is Heinrich. He's Mieke's stepbrother. As I was saying, she packed up her bag and left. It was all very sudden.

Scott Do you know where she is now?

Mieke's father She's always been very interested in the classics, Greek and Roman literature, history, and she's always enjoyed the ocean, so she found a program that combines all her interests.

Scott Do you know where she is?

Mieke's father She enrolled in a summer at sea program, based in ].

[[w:Rome|Rome]

Scott Rome. Okay, then I guess we'll go to Rome, then.

Mieke's father Unfortunately, Mieke's only in Rome for orientation. Tomorrow her group boards a boat and she'll be gone for the summer. She'll be quite unreachable.

Scott Unreachable.

Mieke's father Mieke's tour group goes to the Vatican tomorrow, then she gets on that boat and she's gone.

Scott So, it's over?

Scott Thanks for sticking with me through this, guys, but... you should probably call your parents, have them wire you some money and go home.

Jamie What are you gonna do?

Scott I'm going to Rome. I'll walk, I'll hitchhike, I'll swim if I have to, but I'll get to Mieke somehow.

Jamie Maybe that'll help.

Scott Where'd you get all that? Wait. Where's your Leica?

Jamie Sold it.

Scott What? You sold your Leica? But you loved that thing. What about your Europe photo tour, the chateaus?

Jamie Chateaus have been there for 300 years. Mieke's gone in 12 hours. Let's go! Frommer's says check in three hours before international flights.

Scott Come here, guidebook!

Jamie Whoo! We're going to Rome. We're going to Rome!

Tour guide All right, summer at sea group. Our tour begins in the Vatican museum. This way, please.

Scott There it is.

Swiss guard This entrance is for private tour groups only.

Jenny Oh... but we are a private tour group. We've come all the way from America. That guy in the orange jacket is mentally retarded.

[''Cooper struggles with his ice cream cone'']

Swiss guard Si, I can tell. How very, very sad.

Jenny Yes, it is.

Swiss guard But if you are a tour, where is your guide?

Jenny We've got a fantastic tour guide. Right here.

Jamie What? No... The Vatican has been used as a papal residence ever since the time of ] of the ]!

[[w:Constantine the Great|Constantine the Great; [w:5th century|5th century A.D.]

Swiss guard Oh. Okay... um... if you'll all follow me, please. Have a very special day for a very special little man.

Cooper Okay. I can't believe that guy let us in. What a retard!

Swiss guard Scusate. One of our English-speaking tour guides has called in sick. Could you please take these peoples also?

[''To Jamie''; ''Points to a tour group'']

Tourist 1 How big is Vatican City?

Jenny We've got a fantastic tour guide. Right here.

Jamie 0.5 square kilometers.

Tourist 2 Who built the colonnades?

Jamie ], ].

[[w:Gianlorenzo Bernini|Gianlorenzo Bernini; [w:1656|1656]

Tourist 3 Where are the bathrooms?

Jamie Floors 6 and 7. Next I'll take you to where ] elects a new pope. When this happens, white smoke is sent up from the Vatican. Here's a fun fact...

[[w:College of Cardinals|the College of Cardinals]

Scott Mieke must be around here somewhere. Let's go.

Tour guide Behind me is ], or "papal apartment." We're obviously not permitted.

[[w:Papal apartments|the appartamento papale]

Mieke Excuse me, miss. What is this?

Tour guide That is the bell of San Marco. When the pope dies, the Cardinal Vicar of Rome rings this bell to notify the people of Rome. Next we will view ]. Follow me, please.

[[w:Sistine Chapel|the Sistine Chapel]

Cooper Come on. I think I hear them.

Scott Which way did they go?

Cooper That way. I'd stake my reputation on it.

Scott Good enough for me.

Cooper Hey, check it out! I wonder what this does.

[''Pull's on bell rope'']

Scott It doesn't do anything, it's a rope. Come on, let's go.

[''They walk into Papal Chambers'']

Cooper They got a lot of old stuff here.

St. Peter's square man Dio mio! The bell of San Marco! The pope is dead!

Scott Whoa. She's not in here. Let's go. We're definitely not supposed to be in here.

Cooper Hey, check this out! I'm the pope!

[''Puts on a [[w:mitre|pope mitre]

Scott Cooper... take off the pope hat.

Cooper Oh, no. It's okay. I'm catholic.

Scott Take it off, goddamnit!

Cooper Oh, you took the Lord's name in vain! Only I can forgive you now, my son.

Scott Take that fudging thing off!

Cooper The pope breaks an open-field tackle. It's a Hail Mary, he catches at the forty...the thirty...the twenty...the ten...touchdown, Pope! The pope makes a two-point conversion. And oh, my Lord! It's the Pope, eight, and the heathens, nothing! How's you, sucka?

[''Puts a mitre on Scott'']

Scott Cooper, the hat! The hat! The hat is on fire!

[''Points to Cooper's hat'']

Cooper ]

[[w:The Roof Is on Fire|"We don't need no water let the m... "]

Scott I'm not kidding! Look!

Cooper Oh, holy shit!

Scott I don't want this! Fireplace! Fireplace! Go, go!

[''Cooper throws hat into fireplace'']

Cooper and Scott Whoa!

St. Peter's square man White smoke! They've elected the new pope!

Newscaster I'm coming to you live from Vatican Square where the College of Cardinals, in a surprise move, has just elected a new pope. The crowd is very excited.

Jamie This is so strange. Usually they wait 15 days to elect a new pope. We could be seeing history in the making!

Jenny We could be seeing an arrest in the making.

Scott There she is. Mieke! Hey! Stupid curtain! Let me out! Mieke!

[''Spots Mieke in the square from window'']

St. Peter's square man It's the new pope!

Scott Mieke! Hold on!

[''After he disguised as the pope, he leaps onto a banner curtain'']

St. Peter's square man This is one crazy pope.

Swiss guard You! Ferma! Stop! You! You... and your retarded friend, you're in big, big trouble.

Maynard Oy! Take your mitts off them boys! They're with me! I've just about had enough of you fuckin ities!

Swiss guard But I am Swiss!

Maynard Them, too! Now, bud... you get in there, and you say what you got to say.

[''Puts arm on Scott's shoulders'']

Scott Mieke. I'm here. I made it.

Mieke Who are you?

Bert What a fucking loser! I'm gonna videotape this.

Scott I'm Scott.

Mieke From Ohio? Scott? Scott Thomas?

Scott Yes.

Mieke From Ohio? What are you doing in Rome?

Scott I came here to be with you. Listen, I just traveled all the way across Europe. I got chased by naked men. I ate brownies with absolutely no drugs in them. I watched a brother and sister make out. I kicked a robot in the balls, but I did it all so that... so I could tell you one thing. I love you, Mieke.

Crowd Aww...

Scott We're perfect for each other. What do you think?

Mieke I think...

Scott Oh, Mike... Mieke!

Old woman confessor Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I have cheated on my husband. Do you think God will ever forgive me?

Mieke Oh, yes!

Old woman confessor Father?

Cooper This sucks. I can't believe I'm the only one who didn't hook up while we were here. Europe is officially the worst country on Earth.

Jenny I know. I thought I'd at least get to have some crazy European sex.

Cooper What?

Mieke Scott, I have to go.

Scott Okay.

Mieke My boat is leaving. I still can't believe you came all the way here, just for me.

Scott What can I say? I'm very unpredictable.

Mieke Keep writing to me, Scott, OK?

Scott Yeah, I will.

Mieke Go.

Scott Bye. Yes! Yes! Yes! Whoo-hoo!

Scott Hey, guys, I'm so glad we got to take this trip together. This was the best time of my life.

Arthur Excuse me. You're the young man who gave me that tour of the Vatican, aren't you?

Jamie Listen, I'm very sorry...

Arthur I just wanted to thank you. You were the most knowledgeable, albeit idiosyncratic, tour guide I've ever had.

Jamie Thanks. But I'm not actually a tour guide. I've just read Frommer's enough to have it memorized. Although I threw in a few things Frommer's didn't know about.

Arthur How would you like to add them?

Jamie Excuse me?

Arthur That's my guidebook. I'm Arthur Frommer.

[''Hands Jamie his [[w:business card|business card]

Jamie It's amazing! Frommer's is going to pay me to see every museum and cathedral in Europe.

Jenny That sounds so exciting... for you.

Scott I figured, since you're going to be staying, you might need this. A disposable camera. That's right.

Jamie Thanks, Scotty.

Scott That's from both of us.

Cooper Hello, Mr. Walters. I see. Fired? Well, I... Well, if that's what you want, I understand. I just... goodbye, sir.

[''Answers phone'']

Scott They had to catch you eventually, right?

Cooper No, they fired Humphrey.

Scott Shut up!

Cooper I got his office and a raise.

Jenny No!

PA Announcer Flight from Rome to ]...

[[w:Cleveland|Cleveland]

Jamie That's you guys. Have a good flight, everybody.

Scott Come here.

[''They hug'']

Jamie Be good. Oh! Okay... Cooper, have a good flight. Be good.

Cooper Thanks. I'm on it.

Cooper This still counts as Europe, right?

[''In the toilet'']

Scott Dear Mieke, Greece sounds incredible. I just moved into my dorm room today, but I can't wait to see you over Christmas break. This time I think I'll fly to Berlin direct." Hello?

[''Typing e-mail''; ''Answers phone'']

Cooper Hey, buddy, how's college?

[''Walking across campus quad'']

Scott I just got here. My roommate hasn't even showed up yet.

Cooper Do they room all you ] together?

[[w:Pre-medical|pre-med geeks]

Scott I'm not sure I'm going pre-med. I'm thinking about majoring in German.

Cooper German? I've got a better idea. Why don't you major in not being such a woman?

Scott So, how's Jenny?

Cooper Jenny... Jenny who? I know a lot of ladies named Jenny, they're all... ow!

[''Jenny slaps him on the head from off-camera and takes his phone'']

Jenny Hey, Scotty, what's up?

Scott Hi, Jenny! How's Jamie doing with Frommer?

Cooper Oh, no. Hold on. Come here, robot!

[''Cooper has spotted a gold-colored busker performing a robot dance'']

Jenny Cooper, not again!

Scott Hold on, this could be my new roommate.

[''Hears a knock on his dorm door''; ''Opens door to Mieke'']

Cooper What's the freak look like? Is he a dork or is he cool? Better not be cooler than me. Is he bigger than me?

[''With the busker in a head-lock and Jenny holding up phone to him'']

Mieke I just got your last email.

Scott What are you doing here?

Mieke Going to college.

Scott You're going to college here? What dorm?

Mieke This one. Room 214.

Scott How is this possible?

Mieke I guess they thought I was a guy.

Scott Now who would be dumb enough to make a mistake like that?

Cooper Do I hear kissing? Are you making out with your new roommate, Scotty? Scotty?! Scotty?! Scotty!

Green Fairy hallucination This happy ending is bullshit. When does the fairy get laid? I'm outta here.

Father Catchy tune.

Bert Fuckin'-a, man.

Amsterdam hostel concierge woman Hello, and welcome to Amsterdam's finest and most luxurious youth hostel.

Scott Sounds great.

Amsterdam hostel concierge woman There is no bathroom, nor is there one nearby. Sorry. Get it?

Scott She got it.

Amsterdam hostel concierge woman If you do not wish to have your valuables stolen, I suggest destroying them or discarding them right now. You can also try hiding your valuables... in your anus.

Madame Vandersexxx Drink? I'm gonna rip away his pants and look at his dick, Okay? Ready?

Cooper Quit.

Madame Vandersexxx Shut up. Sorry. I know I fucked it up. Yes! You take her hair... and one strand at a time, pull it out! Use her like a humping post!

Cooper Jenny, this is Europe. They have orange juice ads with lesbians and dildos. Show them something they haven't seen.

Amsterdam hostel concierge woman Should a fire occur, due to our faulty wiring, or the fireworks factory upstairs, you will be incinerated, along with the valuables you have hidden in your anus.

Jenny Hey! Check these out! I'm eighteen-years-old!

[''Jumping up and down topless on highway shoulder with back to camera'']

Candy Is it off yet?

Cooper No, keep rubbing it.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

17 Again

Conflict Over Dating Choices and Family Loyalty

Mike O'Donnell Why are you dating him? He's bullying your brother.

[from trailer]

Maggie O'Donnell Who are you, my father?

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Harriet the Spy

Desire and Identity in Harriet the Spy

Harriet M. Welsch The only thing worse than being Marion Hawthorn, is wanting to be Marion Hawthorn.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Harriet the Spy

The Pursuit of Knowledge Through Observation

Harriet M. Welsch I want to learn everything I can, and I write down everything I see. Golly says if I want to be a writer someday, I better start now, and that is why I am a spy.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Black Christmas

Debate Over Christmas Gifts and Traditions

Heather Fitzgerald Mrs. Mac why don't you open the present we got you?

Ms. Barbara MacHenry Because we have to open Billy's present first. It's a 15-year old Alpha Kappa Tradition.

Heather Fitzgerald Okay, I... I drew that name. But can I say, I'm sorry, I'm just? I'm really not okay with this, I mean buying a Christmas present for a serial killer?

[everyone turns to her]

Melissa Kitt No, you see serial killers murder repeatedly for sexual thrill. Billy Lenz was a spree killer. Dude just fucking lost it. Thank you.

[Kelli gives the juice to Melissa.; turns to Kelli]

Heather Fitzgerald Oh, whatever, Melissa, okay? I'm just offended by a pagan sacrifice, to ward off evil spirits on Christmas.

Ms. Barbara MacHenry Heather, we're just having a little bit of fun.

Lauren Hanon Christmas is more about warding off evil spirits than Halloween. What Christmas shit in this room resembles anything Christian, Huh? It's all neo-pagan magic. Christmas tree, a magical rite ensuring the return of the crops. The mistletoe is nothing but a conception charm. Fifth century Christians jacked a Roman winter festival, 12 days in December where the nights were long and the Earth was roamed by the demons of chaos. And fucking Santa Claus, This fat voyeur that watches you all year long, to make sure you live up to his standards of decency before breaking into your house? And that is different from what Billy did how?

Ms. Barbara MacHenry Billy didn't break in..., Billy lived here.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

EuroTrip

Casual Conversation Among Friends

Jenny What's up, losers?

Scott What's up, Jenny?

Jenny What's up, dude? Sorry to hear about Fiona. She's a whore.

Scott That's very sweet of you. Thanks.

Cooper Enough Fiona talk. Look around. ].

[[w:statutory rape|There's gotta be 100 drunk girls. We should try to have sex with every one of 'em]

Jenny Hello? Mixed company?

Cooper What?

Jenny I'm a girl!

Cooper No, you're not! You're just a cool guy with long hair! So, where's your evil twin brother?

Jamie Jenny!

Cooper There he is. Hey, Jamie. In fine form, I see.

Jenny Why'd you get me gin and tonic? I hate gin.

Cooper You do? You guys are the worst twins ever!

Scott When are you guys taking off?

Jenny Tomorrow morning.

Scott Hey, Wade! Great party, buddy!

[''To Wade tied up at a tree'']

Jenny Man, I am so excited! A whole summer, backpacking around Europe. You should've come with us instead of working for Dr. Dad, Scotty! It's gonna be so awesome!

Jamie Yeah. I planned every detail of the trip to maximize the fun!

Cooper You brought a guidebook to a party?

Jamie Do you wanna see my itinerary?

Cooper ]

[[w:exhibitionism|Do you wanna see my balls?]

Scott You guys decide where you're gonna go first?

Jenny ]! I can't wait.

[[w:Paris|Paris]

Scott So, have you guys decided where you wanna go first?

Jenny Paris! I heard two years ago, Nicky Jager's sister, Debbie, met this wealthy French guy, and spent a month sailing the ] on his yacht. Isn't that just the most romantic thing you've ever heard?

[[w:Mediterranean sea|Mediterranean]

Cooper Stuck on a boat with a weird French guy? ].

[[w:homophobia|That sounds a little gay]

Jenny It's not gay. I'm a girl.

Scott Kinda gay.

Cooper A little gay. I gotta piss like a pregnant woman.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

EuroTrip

Nude Beach Etiquette and Currency Concerns

Cooper So, what's the etiquette on ]? Do I roll over and dig out a hole for it, or is it cool to just let my flag fly?

[[w:erection|boners]

Scott Wait, wait. Does "nude beach" mean we have to get naked, too?

Cooper Of course. Do you think you can go an hour without your currency colostomy bag?

Jamie As long as this thing has our money and passports in it, it's not coming off, and my trunks won't come off, either.

Cooper Come on. You came all the way to Europe. Can't wimp out now. Okay. All right, on the count of three. Here we go. Look at Jamie's penis!

[''They takes off pants'']

Jamie Very funny. Very funny.

Cooper All right. Let the crazy European sex odyssey begin! Here we go. Really? Yes. Mm-hmm. Hello, ladies!

[''They run to beach only to realize it's all men'']

Beach visitors Ladies? Bitches?

Cooper Eww! What a rip! There's no nude girls here, just guys like us looking for nude girls. I don't understand!

Jamie Crans Sur Mer has one of the best nude beaches on the continent. However, during the summer, the European women are chased away by gawking male tourists, so Europe's most nubile exhibitionists head to the deserted beach next to the Monument des Poissonieres.

[''Turns over a page in Frommer's with a you-should-know-better face'']

Cooper There's so many penises.

Jamie Frommer's tried to tell you, but you just didn't listen.

Scott This is the biggest sausage fest on earth. It's the international house of sausage.

Jenny Hey! Thanks for waiting.

Cooper You're not missing anything. It's all guys.

Jenny At least the sun's out.

[''Takes off sweater and hat, starts shaking hair'']

Cooper Holy crap!

Jenny What? I thought this was a nude beach.

Jamie No...!

[''Slow-motion dramatized''; ''[[w:Action film|Throws himself past Jenny in the style of an action film cliché]

Jenny Huh?

Jamie No.

Jenny What?! What are you doing?!

Jamie Jenny, you gotta cover up!

Beach visitors Girl? Girl! Ooh, girl. Girl... girl. Girl... girl...

[''[[w:Zombie film|They all start lumbering collectively on them zombie-style]

Jamie Run! I'm not gonna make it. Go on without me.

Scott All right. See ya.

Beach visitors Chica! Chica! Chica! Chica!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

EuroTrip

The Value of a Money Belt

Jamie Better let me hold on to those.

[''Takes train tickets''; ''Puts it in [[w:money belt|money belt]

Cooper What the hell is that?

Jamie It's a traveler's money belt. ] says if you have one of these, no one can rob you of anything.

[[w:Frommer's|Frommer's]

Cooper Except your dignity.

Jamie No, you just put that in your... wait, what?

Cooper Come on, guidebook. Let's go.

Cooper Check it out. European ass.

[''Becomes transfixed on woman bending over at vending machine''; ''Woman turns around and it's Jenny'']

Jenny What's up?

Cooper Jesus, Jenny. I thought you were some... girl. Come on. Platform 4.

Jenny Thanks.

Jenny Damn!

[''Can shoots out machine and rolls along floor'']

Christoph I believe this is yours. Pleased to meet you. My name is Christoph.

[''He catches the can'']

Cooper Jenny, let's go! Move it!

Jenny Those are my friends. We're supposed to go to Berlin...

Cooper Jenny!

Jenny I'm coming!

Christoph So, it was really nice to meet you. The pleasure was all mine.

Jenny Jennifer.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

EuroTrip

Disagreement on Sightseeing in Crans Sur Mer

Jamie Crans Sur Mer. We change trains here.

Cooper Well, we got a couple of hours to kill. What's there to see in this town?

Jamie Hello? The Monument des Poissonieres. It's a monument to all the local fishermen who were lost at sea. Frommer's says it's supposed to be..."quite moving.

Cooper What the hell is wrong with you, ]? We're here to see Europe, not some crappy statue. I'm taking a nap. Wake me up when the train gets here.

[[w:C-3PO|C-3PO]

Jenny Hmm. Says here this town has a famous ].

[[w:nude beach|nude beach]

Cooper All right, we can't all just lie around all day. We gotta experience the culture firsthand. Let's go exploring!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

EuroTrip

Scott's Confidence in Love and Relationships

Cooper Reading Mieke's old emails again?

Scott Yeah. You know, she said I might be the one? That's huge. I've never been "the one" before. Thought I was "the one" with Fiona, but turns out I was, what?

Cooper Look, you got nothing to worry about. You'll show up and sweep her off her German feet.

Scott Thanks. Yeah. I will, won't I?

Mieke I'm so sad and lonely. I'm so sad and lonely. I just wish someone would show up and sweep me off my German feet.

Scott Mieke! I'm here.

Mieke Scotty!

Scott About that last email. I'm so sorry...

Mieke The past is the past. You're here now. I've been saving myself for you. Let us make love for one whole month. Touch me, Scotty.

Scott Okay.

Mieke Oh, Scott...

[''Scott wakes up and realizes Mieke is actually Italian man'']

Italian man Mi bello... Mi scusi!

[''Scott starts screaming, with Italian man and other three joining in'']

Song lyrics Hot stuff baby this evening. Gotta have some hot stuff. Gotta have some love tonight. Hot stuff.

Scott Guys, our train doesn't leave till morning. Where will we sleep?

Cooper What do you mean, sleep? We can sleep on the train tomorrow. This is the best that could've happened. We're in Amsterdam! This is the drug and sex capital of Europe! Take a look at this. "Club Vandersexxx. The red light district's hottest sex club." We have to check it out. Who's with me? I'll go. Fine. Since no one else is willing to go, I'll just go myself.

[''Holds up flyer''; ''They stare indifferently'']

Madame Vandersexxx I see. You're waiting for me

Cooper This is definitely where I parked my car!

Madame Vandersexxx Hello there. Welcome to Club Vandersexxx... Amsterdam's most erotic club, where your every fantasy will be fulfilled.

Cooper Also says I get a free T-shirt with flyer.

Madame Vandersexxx He's American. How sad for you to grow up in a country founded by prudes. A country overrun with crime and illiteracy. A country where a man is forced to make sex to only one woman at a time, and one must learn the woman's name beforehand.

Cooper It was horrible.

Madame Vandersexxx I know. But you can come with me... and let the Vandersexxx begin.

Song lyrics ] in my soul. Your iguana in my hall...

[[w:marijuana|Marijuana]

Scott I can't believe we're doing this!

Jenny Don't worry. ] are totally legal here.

[[w:Cannabis edible|Hash brownies]

Bakery server You're gonna enjoy these, man. These are magical!

[''Lays down plate of [[w:Chocolate brownie|brownies]

Song lyrics I like to smoke marijuana...

Scott You wanna do this?

Jenny Yeah.

[''They dig in'']

Jamie Hi.

Camera store clerk Hi.

Jamie I need a new battery for my camera, and while you're at it, it could use a cleaning.

Camera store clerk Wow. Is that a ]?

[[w:Leica M6|Leica M6]

Jamie Actually, it's ]. It's got ].

[[w:Leica M7|an M7; [w:light meter|the built-in light meter]

Camera store clerk It's so beautiful. So sleek, so powerful. How's the new lens system?

Jamie Makes the ] look like ].

[[w:Nikon|Nikon; [w:Disposable camera|a disposable]

Camera store clerk You really know your cameras. And you're very cute.

Jamie Me? Really?

Camera store clerk I'm going on break. I was going to step out back and have a cigarette. Would you like to join me?

Jamie I don't smoke.

Camera store clerk Neither do I. Hold on, hold on. What is it? This is great! You're so innocent. Let's change that... shall we? What would you like me to do?

Jamie Well... I don't really know... I guess I really haven't done that much. I haven't really found the time, with all my extracurriculars, and model U.N., ], after-school tutor... ing!

[[w:Advanced Placement|advanced placement classes]

Jamie Ah! Gosh, you really like cameras!

Madame Vandersexxx Sometimes, we find our clients are so overwhelmed with the pleasure, that they sometimes scream out, "no," when really they mean, "yes." And this is why we have ].

[[w:Safeword|the safe word]

Cooper The "safe word"?

Madame Vandersexxx If at any time the ecstasy gets too great, you just use the safe word. Until we hear the safe word, we will not stop.

Cooper Yeah, right. Stop.

Madame Vandersexxx All right. We're going to start slowly, teasing you with a little light erotic foreplay.

Cooper Whee! Oh, yes, ladies!

[''Girls tie Cooper to table'']

Madame Vandersexxx On, on, vandersexxx! Hans! Gruber!

[''Girls disappear, curtains automatically pull away, [[w:BDSM in culture and media|lighting changes to militaristic BDSM-style and she pulls away jacket to reveal leather dress; ''Two overweight leather-clad men come in'']

Cooper Hi. So, are the girls coming back?

Madame Vandersexxx Administer the testicle clamps!

Cooper Huh? What? Hey! Safe word! What is that?! That's not a word, it's a... "Fluggen-kliggin-kien?" Fluggen!

Mugger Okay, mister, don't move!

[''Appears holding a knife'']

Jamie Excuse me?!

Mugger Shut the hell up!

Jamie Oh, brother! Please don't hurt me. Oh, no... you're fine. That's good. You're fine.

[''To Camera store clerk'']

Mugger Give me cash?! You got cash?!

Jamie Take it all, you dirty girl!

Mugger What?! Your wallet! Focus! Give it to me!

[''Gives him wallet belt'']

Jamie Oh! Oh, I love you! I love you! I love you! I looove you!

Scott What's so funny?!

[''Jenny bursts laughing'']

Jenny I'm really hungry. ]!

[[w:Effects of cannabis#Appetite|I think I've got the munchies]

Scott Excuse me?!

Jenny Huh?

Scott It's hot in here! You hot?! Cause I'm really hot!

Jenny So good!

Scott Okay, I can't breathe! God! I'm freaking out! I think we got a bad batch cause I'm freaking out. I can't... I can't do this. I saw a gay porno once! I didn't know until halfway in! The girls never came! The girls never came! I am freaking out!

Bakery server Everything all right with you?!

[''Appears'']

Scott No, nothing's all right! You sold us a bad batch of hash brownies! You're a bad ]!

[[w:Rastafari|Rastafarian]

Bakery server These are not hash brownies!

[''Camera view becomes stoic'']

Scott Hmm?! What was that?!

Bakery server We do not sell hash brownies! We're a simple Dutch bakery! Now put your clothes back on, white boy!

Cooper Ow! Ow! Ow! "Fluggengegeholen!

Madame Vandersexxx Did you say fluggegecheimen?!

Cooper Yes! Yes! For the love of god, fluggengecheimen!

Madame Vandersexxx Are you sure?!

Cooper Yes, please!

Madame Vandersexxx As you wish. Bring on the fluggegecheimen!

[''Two burly men bring out a cartoonishly complex sex machine with four dildos repurposed from a [[w:String trimmer|weedwacker]

Cooper Wait... what? Uh-oh. No, no, no! I didn't say fluggegecheimen, I said, uh...

[''They rev the machine''; ''They lean in aiming at Cooper's rear and he screams'']

Scott What'd you do last night?

Cooper I don't want to talk about it. What did you guys do?

Scott Don't want to talk about it. What is that?

Cooper Free T-shirt.

Jamie Hey, guys!

Cooper What happened to you?

Jamie I got robbed. It was awesome! Our money, passports, tickets... Everything, gone!

Cooper How the hell could this happen? We all go to Amsterdam, and Jamie's the one who hooks up! For shame! Oh, that's me. Coop here. Sorry. Hello, Mr. Walters. You never got the Gutterman file? I told Humphrey to give it to you. That's hogwash. I handed it to him myself yesterday. I'll tell Humphrey to report to your office immediately. Bye. This job's killing me.

[''Phone rings''; ''Truck pulls over and driver leans out speaking fast colloquial German'']

Scott Uh... Let me handle this. I speak bad German. My Deutsch is ill, but I can understand on you if the speaking is slowly.

[''In German'']

Truck driver Deutsch! I have been driving for 14 hours straight and I haven't slept in 3 days! And I am wired on ], ], and ]!

[''In German''; [w:Schnapps|Schnapps; [w:Benzedrine|Benzedrine; [w:Chocolate-coated peanut|those little chocolate covered peanuts]

Cooper What did he say?

Scott He said he's driving.

Jenny Oh.

Scott Something. Do you know where Berlin is?

[''In German'']

Truck driver Berlin? Yes, I know it well. I stabbed a woman in a bar in Berlin. But I am going nowhere near Berlin.

[''In German'']

Scott Berlin?

Truck driver Berlin! ] ] in Berlin.

[''In German''; [w:sexual assault|I also sexually assaulted; [w:bestiality|a horse]

Scott He's going to Berlin!

Jamie Awesome! All right!

Jenny Berlin!

Truck driver Come on, let's go! Next stop, Berlin! I'll drive this truck off a cliff before I ever go back to Berlin.

[''In German'']

Scott Beautiful! We made it to Berlin.

Truck driver Jah. Berlin! No one will ever find me in Bratislava.

[''In German'']

Scott ]?

[[w:Bratislava|Bratislava]

Truck driver Yeah. Bratislava!

Cooper Dear sweet mother of God. We're in Eastern Europe.

Jenny Eww!

Scott Excuse me. Do you speak any English?

Man You are Americans? Yeah. I love America. We just get "Miami Vice" on television. "Miami Vice" is number one new show. Yeah.

Scott Listen, we're trying to get to Berlin, Germany. Do you know if there's a train coming anytime soon?

Man Oh, yes, very soon. They are building it now. ]! Enjoy Bratislava! It's good you came in summer. In winter, it can get very depressing.

[[w:U Can't Touch This|Stop! Hammer time]

Scott We gotta figure something out. How much money do we have?

Jamie Frommer's travel tip.

Jenny I don't have anything.

Cooper What? I got noth... fine. ].

[''Fishes out spare change''; [w:United States dollar|$1.83 American]

Scott What are we gonna get with that?

Scott Gotta love that exchange rate!

TV commercial announcer Ta. Hapi Djus. Teraz bez drenei.

Cooper Hmm. Now with less pulp.

Scott Dinner is served.

Server Would the masters care for anything else?

Scott Think we're good. Thanks.

[''Tips him'']

Server Ah! A nickel! You see this? I quit! I open my own hotel!

[''To boss''; ''Slaps his boss'']

Scott So, we got 27 cents left. What is there to do in this town?

Scott This song sounds familiar.

Cooper Jenny, lemme check your coat.

Jenny Hey!

Cooper Jenny! That outfit is horrible! Just take it off... now!

Jenny No, but I will let you buy me a drink.

Cristoph Excuse me! You are the woman from the Paris train station, aren't you? My name is... Christoph.

Jenny Yes. What are you doing here?

Cristoph This is my place. My family owns many nightclubs in Europe. I'd be honored if you'd join me in my V.I.P.Room for a drink.

Jenny Mmm-kay. Bye, Cooper.

Scott What's that?

Jamie It's absinthe. Frommer's says it's illegal in the States because it makes you hallucinate and go crazy. They call it "the green fairy.

Cristoph My family has a yacht in ]. Come with me, Jennifer. We will sail away together.

[[w:Aegean seas|the Aegean]

Jenny Oh, my God!

Cristoph We will swim with ], and ] by moonlight.

[[w:dolphin|dolphins; [w:champagne|sip champagne]

Jenny Oh, my God!

Cristoph We will spend the day sunbathing, drinking wine. My wife makes the best ].

[[w:sangri|sangria]

Jenny Wait... what?

Jenny Sangria.

Cristoph You take a good Spanish Rioja, and you put in slices of orange, and...

Jenny No, wait. You said you were married? You go around Europe sleeping with every woman you meet?

Cristoph No, please, Jennifer. It is not like that. I also sleep with men.

Jamie I gotta say, I'm not feeling anything.

Cooper Me neither. Sober as a judge.

Scott How bout you?

Green Fairy hallucination I'm not feeling a goddamn thing. This absinthe is bullshit!

Scott I hear you, my brother.

[''Fist bumps the fairy'']

Green Fairy hallucination I'm outta here. [He flies off

Jenny Excuse me.

[''She grabs absinthe bottle'']

Cooper Hey, so where's Christoph?

Jenny Shut up.

[''Starts chugging straight from bottle'']

Collectively Europe! Europe! Whoo! Europe!

Cooper So, tomorrow, Berlin. Tomorrow, Mieke!

[''To Scott'']

Scott Check it out. No way!

[''Referring to Jamie making out with a woman'']

Cooper Jamie's hooking up with another girl? Goddamn it! It's just so unfair. I've been all over, looking for crazy European sex, and he's the one who ends up...

[''The couple turns sideways to reveal the woman is Jenny'']

Scott and Cooper Oh, my God!

Green Fairy hallucination That is some pretty fucked-up shit. Can you say, "What the fuck did I do last night?

Scott They really are the worst twins ever.

Cooper That was a pretty wild night, eh? Yep. Pretty wild, pretty wild. I know I was out of control. How about you guys? Did you...?

Jenny All right, look. We were really drunk, things got a little crazy, and Jamie... kissed me. Let's just forget about it, kay?

Cooper Consider it forgotten. Never happened. Never happened. Fine. Let's just forget about it. It's not like you two had sex. Have you had sex?

Jamie Shut up, Cooper!

Jenny Jamie, relax. Cooper. Please?

Cooper Okay, okay, fine. I'll give it a rest. Jamie, could I borrow your Frommer's? Oh, here it is. Bratislava. Hmm. Capital of Slovakia. Oh, here's a fun fact. You made out with your sister, man!

[''Jamie throws the book to Cooper''; ''Jamie lunges at Cooper and starts throttling him'']

Jamie Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

Cooper Like two dogs in heat.

Miami Vice fan man ] ] hybrid vehicle] My friends, ]? You go to Berlin? I'm your ride. Hop in.

[''Pulls up in an orange [[w:Ute (vehicle)|ute; [w:Panel van|panel van; [w:Wendy's|where is the beef]

Black Christmas

Tension Escalates Among the Characters

Ms. Barbara MacHenry What? What?

Kelli Presley Damn it!

[puts back the phone, and uses her cellphone.]

Kelli Presley Shit, Shit, Come on, Come on, Come on, Come on. Fuck!

[while dialing.; but the line is still busy.]

Ms. Barbara MacHenry What's going on?

Kelli Presley 911 is experiencing heavy caller traffic because of the storm. Hello? Hello? Yes, yes. A girl is... is dead... outside..... Yes!, Yes! I know her... Her name is... Eve Agnew and we're positive that she's been murdered.....

[starts dialing again.; The line is responded, Kelli is panting]

Ms. Barbara MacHenry He's home.

Melissa Kitt No. No, no, no, no, no, Ms. Mac. Billy is dead.

Kelli Presley ...and three other girls are...---

Leigh Colvin Are missing. Missing.

Kelli Presley ...are missing... 566 Oakdale, we're the second house on the... right... Alpha Kappa sorority... Kelli Presley... Wait!, how long until... What?!, No, no! We think he's still outside! Would you wait around that long after what l just told you?!...

Ms. Barbara MacHenry Get your purse!

[to Heather.]

Kelli Presley ...Please, isn't there anything that you--- Goddamn it! The storm. Pile-ups over 91. Reservists can't make it out because the streets are all ice. Trees have fallen, and they said they can maybe?... maybe be here in two hours.

[The caller hangs up the phone.; She turns to everybody.]

Ms. Barbara MacHenry Well, we're all gonna be out of here in two minutes. Get your things.

[She and Heather walk to the front door.]

Kelli Presley And what about Dana?

Heather Fitzgerald We'll just go over to the ADG house and get help.

Melissa Kitt No!, they-they've all gone home or-or skiing.

Kelli Presley Okay, okay, whose family lives the closest, just-just call them.

Melissa Kitt Lauren, her mom lives in Boston.

Ms. Barbara MacHenry Even if we could reach them on their cellphone, it would take four or five hours before they got here!

Melissa Kitt Oh shit, Lauren.

Ms. Barbara MacHenry Let's go.

Kelli Presley No! We stay together. We lock up the house, we got the fireplace poker, a ski pole or some shit, and for the next two hours, not let each other out of our sights.

Ms. Barbara MacHenry No, We are driving to the police station!

Kelli Presley In this weather?!

Ms. Barbara MacHenry Even if they can't do anything, at least we will all be safe there!

Kelli Presley Yeah, and we're not all here! If we were, then I would go.

Leigh Colvin That's right. Unless I see otherwise, I'm believing that Clair is alive, and when she comes back, it is not gonna be to an empty house.

Kelli Presley We are safer sticking together.

Heather Fitzgerald All right, then get your coats! Mel, come on, we're leaving! Let's go!

[calling Melissa.]

Melissa Kitt I'm not leaving Lauren, you bitch!

Kelli Presley We're sisters. So act like it.

Ms. Barbara MacHenry We'll get the police here as soon as we can. Let's go.

[puts on her hat; she turns to Heather]

17 Again

A Father's Concern vs. a Daughter's Independence

Mike O Donnell I forbid you to go out with that guy.

Maggie O'Donnell Oh, Okay Who the hell do you think you are? My father?

EuroTrip

A Morning After a Wild Night

Scott I'm never drinking again. Coop, wake up.

Cooper Oh, man, that was a wild night.

Scott You think?

Cooper Scotty, where the hell are we going?

Scott Don't worry. If anything bad happens, my parents will find us.

Scott's mother Honey, where's Scotty?

Scott's father Cooper said they were going camping.

Scott's mother Oh, that's nice. And where's Bert?

Scott's father Fuck if I know.

Mad Maynard Hey! How are you, you scalawag! Look, ], ].

[[w:Geopolitics|given the current geopolitical climate; [w:European Parliament|all European countries should have a seat at the table]

Cooper Right.

Mad Maynard Except ]. I hate them Italian bastards. You know what I mean?

[[w:Italian people|those fucking Ities]

Scott Excuse me.

Mad Maynard Hello, boyo!

Scott What the hell happened last night?

Mad Maynard You got steamed up, pissed as a fart. Too much sauce, son! Don't worry. We come and got ya, so you wouldn't miss the trip.

Scott What trip? Where are we going? What do you mean, where are we going?

Mad Maynard We're going to see the Mighty Reds do the frogs in Paris. Aren't we, boys? Yeah!

[''All hooligans break out in cheers'']

Cooper Why are you yelling at me?

[''To hooligan'']

Cecil So I tell the swamp donkey to sock it before I give her a trunky in the tradesman's entrance and have her lick me yardballs!

[''[[w:Manchester dialect|With heavy Mancunian accent]

Cooper Wow. You guys are on a completely different level of swearing over here.

Scott Coop? Cooper, we're going to Paris!

Cooper I know. Cecil told me.

Scott Mieke's in Berlin.

Cooper We're not going to Berlin.

Scott What are we gonna do? We need a plan.

Cooper See what I'm talking about? This is predictable Scotty talking. Relax. Paris is practically a suburb of Berlin. It's a nothing commute.

Scott ].

[[w:French-German relations|That's why France and Germany have always been allies]

Hooligan Aye, allies.

Scott The twins. The twins are in Paris, right? We can call them. They could help. Let me see your phone.

Cooper Okay, but I'm only supposed to use this for business calls. Hey, don't...

[''Scott snatches the phone'']

Mad Maynard Hey, lads! That wanker's got a frog football shirt on! Let's give this nancy a fucking good kicking! Come on, lads, he's going off!

[''Spots a supporter of the rival team''; ''All the hooligans charge after the man'']

Scott All right. Twins said they'd meet us here. Look at that! There they are. Come on. Jenny! Jamie! Hey! Come here!

[''Spots them'']

Jenny No, no. No, no, no! Scott, bienvenue a Paris!

Scott Thank you.

Cooper Is that a new camera?

Jamie It isn't just a camera, this is a Leica M. Uber-sensitive exposure settings, legendary cloth shutter system.

Cooper Let me see that thing.

Jamie No can do. ] to pay for it, so nobody touches my camera but me.

[[w:Lacrosse|I spent four years tutoring lacrosse players]

Cooper It's like ].

[[w:Human penis|your wiener]

Jamie No, it's not... Jenny...

Jenny Cooper, leave him alone. Wow, I can't believe you came all the way to Europe for a girl.

Cooper Wait, not just any girl. Show her the picture, Scotty. She makes girls in our high school look like walruses.

Jenny I'm a girl from your high school.

Cooper No, I mean "girl" girls.

Scott Guys, we're wasting the whole day here. We're in Paris! Let's go to ]!

[[w:Louvre|the Louvre]

In unison To the Louvre!

Cooper So, you guys wanna stay here, or should we check out the huge line at ]?

[[w:Eiffel Tower|the Eiffel Tower]

Jamie Here's a fun fact. ] contracted ] two blocks from here. Should we go?

[[w:Voltaire|Voltaire; [w:syphilis|syphilis]

Cooper Can we please get out of here? This guy's really creeping me out.

Scott Who, robot man? He's just trying to feed his robot family.

Cooper I really don't like him.

Scott Why? Because he's doing this?

Cooper Okay, seriously, don't do that. Cooper. Do not hate me.

Scott I am familiar with over 600 dance moves and I am programmed to get... freaky. You're just upset because people like me better. It's okay. Oh!

[''Robotman pushes him'']

Jenny Fight! Fight!

Cooper Break the leg shot!

Scott Ha! Ha! Ha!

Jamie Don't look in his eyes, Scotty.

Scott's friends Ohhh! That was not cool. Oh!

Scott Guys, let's go. Come on.

Robotman Error! Error! Error!

Scott How cool is this? It's a shame we only get to spend one day together. Why don't you come to Berlin?

Jamie Umm, no.

Scott Jamie, come on. In a few months, we go to different colleges. This could be the last chance the four of us are together like this. Plus, we're in Europe. Huh? This should be the trip of a lifetime. There's no way we should split up. All right, this table is now Europe, Okay? Excuse me. We are right here, in Paris, and I have got to get to Mieke, who is over here, in Berlin. If you come with us, I'm sure there's a ton of great stuff to see along the way. We can go to ].

[[w:Denmark|Denmark]

Jenny I love Denmark.

Cooper We gotta hit ].

[[w:Amsterdam|Amsterdam]

Scott Definitely.

Jamie And ]!

[[w:Camaret|the cathedral at Cameret]

Scott Yeah... Maybe. We'll see.

Cooper Whatever.

Scott If there's time. Come on! I really want you to be there when I meet Mieke.

Cooper Fine.

Scott Excellent! All right! A toast!