Walter Sittler

Scott: This is Mieke's apartment building. Wish me all sorts of luck, guys.

Jenny: You'll do great, Scotty.

Scott: Thanks.

Cooper: [''Grandmother greets door''] I came all this way. I'm not gonna miss this. Dude, Mieke's hideous! Run!

Scott: [''Mieke's father appears''] Stop. Hi, my name is Scott Thomas. I'm from America, and I'm here to see Mieke.

Mieke's father: I'm sorry, but Mieke's not here.

Scott: Do you know where she is?

Mieke's father: She's gone for the summer.

Mieke's father: My daughter had intended to spend the summer in America, looking at colleges and visiting some friends. But several days ago, she suddenly changed her mind. She would not tell me why.

Scott: I think I know why.

Mieke's father: This is Heinrich. He's Mieke's stepbrother. As I was saying, she packed up her bag and left. It was all very sudden.

Scott: Do you know where she is now?

Mieke's father: She's always been very interested in the classics, Greek and Roman literature, history, and she's always enjoyed the ocean, so she found a program that combines all her interests.

Scott: Do you know where she is?

Mieke's father: [[w:Rome|Rome] She enrolled in a summer at sea program, based in ].

Scott: Rome. Okay, then I guess we'll go to Rome, then.

Mieke's father: Unfortunately, Mieke's only in Rome for orientation. Tomorrow her group boards a boat and she'll be gone for the summer. She'll be quite unreachable.

Scott: Unreachable.

Mieke's father: Mieke's tour group goes to the Vatican tomorrow, then she gets on that boat and she's gone.

Scott: So, it's over?

Scott: Thanks for sticking with me through this, guys, but... you should probably call your parents, have them wire you some money and go home.

Jamie: What are you gonna do?

Scott: I'm going to Rome. I'll walk, I'll hitchhike, I'll swim if I have to, but I'll get to Mieke somehow.

Jamie: Maybe that'll help.

Scott: Where'd you get all that? Wait. Where's your Leica?

Jamie: Sold it.

Scott: What? You sold your Leica? But you loved that thing. What about your Europe photo tour, the chateaus?

Jamie: Chateaus have been there for 300 years. Mieke's gone in 12 hours. Let's go! Frommer's says check in three hours before international flights.

Scott: Come here, guidebook!

Jamie: Whoo! We're going to Rome. We're going to Rome!

Tour guide: All right, summer at sea group. Our tour begins in the Vatican museum. This way, please.

Scott: There it is.

Swiss guard: This entrance is for private tour groups only.

Jenny: [''Cooper struggles with his ice cream cone''] Oh... but we are a private tour group. We've come all the way from America. That guy in the orange jacket is mentally retarded.

Swiss guard: Si, I can tell. How very, very sad.

Jenny: Yes, it is.

Swiss guard: But if you are a tour, where is your guide?

Jenny: We've got a fantastic tour guide. Right here.

Jamie: [[w:Constantine the Great|Constantine the Great; [w:5th century|5th century A.D.] What? No... The Vatican has been used as a papal residence ever since the time of ] of the ]!

Swiss guard: Oh. Okay... um... if you'll all follow me, please. Have a very special day for a very special little man.

Cooper: Okay. I can't believe that guy let us in. What a retard!

Swiss guard: [''To Jamie''; ''Points to a tour group''] Scusate. One of our English-speaking tour guides has called in sick. Could you please take these peoples also?

Tourist 1: How big is Vatican City?

Jenny: We've got a fantastic tour guide. Right here.

Jamie: 0.5 square kilometers.

Tourist 2: Who built the colonnades?

Jamie: [[w:Gianlorenzo Bernini|Gianlorenzo Bernini; [w:1656|1656] ], ].

Tourist 3: Where are the bathrooms?

Jamie: [[w:College of Cardinals|the College of Cardinals] Floors 6 and 7. Next I'll take you to where ] elects a new pope. When this happens, white smoke is sent up from the Vatican. Here's a fun fact...

Scott: Mieke must be around here somewhere. Let's go.

Tour guide: [[w:Papal apartments|the appartamento papale] Behind me is ], or "papal apartment." We're obviously not permitted.

Mieke: Excuse me, miss. What is this?

Tour guide: [[w:Sistine Chapel|the Sistine Chapel] That is the bell of San Marco. When the pope dies, the Cardinal Vicar of Rome rings this bell to notify the people of Rome. Next we will view ]. Follow me, please.

Cooper: Come on. I think I hear them.

Scott: Which way did they go?

Cooper: That way. I'd stake my reputation on it.

Scott: Good enough for me.

Cooper: [''Pull's on bell rope''] Hey, check it out! I wonder what this does.

Scott: [''They walk into Papal Chambers''] It doesn't do anything, it's a rope. Come on, let's go.

Cooper: They got a lot of old stuff here.

St. Peter's square man: Dio mio! The bell of San Marco! The pope is dead!

Scott: Whoa. She's not in here. Let's go. We're definitely not supposed to be in here.

Cooper: [''Puts on a [[w:mitre|pope mitre] Hey, check this out! I'm the pope!

Scott: Cooper... take off the pope hat.

Cooper: Oh, no. It's okay. I'm catholic.

Scott: Take it off, goddamnit!

Cooper: Oh, you took the Lord's name in vain! Only I can forgive you now, my son.

Scott: Take that fudging thing off!

Cooper: [''Puts a mitre on Scott''] The pope breaks an open-field tackle. It's a Hail Mary, he catches at the forty...the thirty...the twenty...the ten...touchdown, Pope! The pope makes a two-point conversion. And oh, my Lord! It's the Pope, eight, and the heathens, nothing! How's you, sucka?

Scott: [''Points to Cooper's hat''] Cooper, the hat! The hat! The hat is on fire!

Cooper: [[w:The Roof Is on Fire|"We don't need no water let the m... "] ]

Scott: I'm not kidding! Look!

Cooper: Oh, holy shit!

Scott: [''Cooper throws hat into fireplace''] I don't want this! Fireplace! Fireplace! Go, go!

Cooper and Scott: Whoa!

St. Peter's square man: White smoke! They've elected the new pope!

Newscaster: I'm coming to you live from Vatican Square where the College of Cardinals, in a surprise move, has just elected a new pope. The crowd is very excited.

Jamie: This is so strange. Usually they wait 15 days to elect a new pope. We could be seeing history in the making!

Jenny: We could be seeing an arrest in the making.

Scott: [''Spots Mieke in the square from window''] There she is. Mieke! Hey! Stupid curtain! Let me out! Mieke!

St. Peter's square man: It's the new pope!

Scott: [''After he disguised as the pope, he leaps onto a banner curtain''] Mieke! Hold on!

St. Peter's square man: This is one crazy pope.

Swiss guard: You! Ferma! Stop! You! You... and your retarded friend, you're in big, big trouble.

Maynard: Oy! Take your mitts off them boys! They're with me! I've just about had enough of you fuckin ities!

Swiss guard: But I am Swiss!

Maynard: [''Puts arm on Scott's shoulders''] Them, too! Now, bud... you get in there, and you say what you got to say.

Scott: Mieke. I'm here. I made it.

Mieke: Who are you?

Bert: What a fucking loser! I'm gonna videotape this.

Scott: I'm Scott.

Mieke: From Ohio? Scott? Scott Thomas?

Scott: Yes.

Mieke: From Ohio? What are you doing in Rome?

Scott: I came here to be with you. Listen, I just traveled all the way across Europe. I got chased by naked men. I ate brownies with absolutely no drugs in them. I watched a brother and sister make out. I kicked a robot in the balls, but I did it all so that... so I could tell you one thing. I love you, Mieke.

Crowd: Aww...

Scott: We're perfect for each other. What do you think?

Mieke: I think...

Scott: Oh, Mike... Mieke!

Old woman confessor: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I have cheated on my husband. Do you think God will ever forgive me?

Mieke: Oh, yes!

Old woman confessor: Father?

Cooper: This sucks. I can't believe I'm the only one who didn't hook up while we were here. Europe is officially the worst country on Earth.

Jenny: I know. I thought I'd at least get to have some crazy European sex.

Cooper: What?

Mieke: Scott, I have to go.

Scott: Okay.

Mieke: My boat is leaving. I still can't believe you came all the way here, just for me.

Scott: What can I say? I'm very unpredictable.

Mieke: Keep writing to me, Scott, OK?

Scott: Yeah, I will.

Mieke: Go.

Scott: Bye. Yes! Yes! Yes! Whoo-hoo!

Scott: Hey, guys, I'm so glad we got to take this trip together. This was the best time of my life.

Arthur: Excuse me. You're the young man who gave me that tour of the Vatican, aren't you?

Jamie: Listen, I'm very sorry...

Arthur: I just wanted to thank you. You were the most knowledgeable, albeit idiosyncratic, tour guide I've ever had.

Jamie: Thanks. But I'm not actually a tour guide. I've just read Frommer's enough to have it memorized. Although I threw in a few things Frommer's didn't know about.

Arthur: How would you like to add them?

Jamie: Excuse me?

Arthur: [''Hands Jamie his [[w:business card|business card] That's my guidebook. I'm Arthur Frommer.

Jamie: It's amazing! Frommer's is going to pay me to see every museum and cathedral in Europe.

Jenny: That sounds so exciting... for you.

Scott: I figured, since you're going to be staying, you might need this. A disposable camera. That's right.

Jamie: Thanks, Scotty.

Scott: That's from both of us.

Cooper: [''Answers phone''] Hello, Mr. Walters. I see. Fired? Well, I... Well, if that's what you want, I understand. I just... goodbye, sir.

Scott: They had to catch you eventually, right?

Cooper: No, they fired Humphrey.

Scott: Shut up!

Cooper: I got his office and a raise.

Jenny: No!

PA Announcer: [[w:Cleveland|Cleveland] Flight from Rome to ]...

Jamie: That's you guys. Have a good flight, everybody.

Scott: [''They hug''] Come here.

Jamie: Be good. Oh! Okay... Cooper, have a good flight. Be good.

Cooper: Thanks. I'm on it.

Cooper: [''In the toilet''] This still counts as Europe, right?

Scott: [''Typing e-mail''; ''Answers phone''] Dear Mieke, Greece sounds incredible. I just moved into my dorm room today, but I can't wait to see you over Christmas break. This time I think I'll fly to Berlin direct." Hello?

Cooper: [''Walking across campus quad''] Hey, buddy, how's college?

Scott: I just got here. My roommate hasn't even showed up yet.

Cooper: [[w:Pre-medical|pre-med geeks] Do they room all you ] together?

Scott: I'm not sure I'm going pre-med. I'm thinking about majoring in German.

Cooper: German? I've got a better idea. Why don't you major in not being such a woman?

Scott: So, how's Jenny?

Cooper: [''Jenny slaps him on the head from off-camera and takes his phone''] Jenny... Jenny who? I know a lot of ladies named Jenny, they're all... ow!

Jenny: Hey, Scotty, what's up?

Scott: Hi, Jenny! How's Jamie doing with Frommer?

Cooper: [''Cooper has spotted a gold-colored busker performing a robot dance''] Oh, no. Hold on. Come here, robot!

Jenny: Cooper, not again!

Scott: [''Hears a knock on his dorm door''; ''Opens door to Mieke''] Hold on, this could be my new roommate.

Cooper: [''With the busker in a head-lock and Jenny holding up phone to him''] What's the freak look like? Is he a dork or is he cool? Better not be cooler than me. Is he bigger than me?

Mieke: I just got your last email.

Scott: What are you doing here?

Mieke: Going to college.

Scott: You're going to college here? What dorm?

Mieke: This one. Room 214.

Scott: How is this possible?

Mieke: I guess they thought I was a guy.

Scott: Now who would be dumb enough to make a mistake like that?

Cooper: Do I hear kissing? Are you making out with your new roommate, Scotty? Scotty?! Scotty?! Scotty!

Green Fairy hallucination: This happy ending is bullshit. When does the fairy get laid? I'm outta here.

Father: Catchy tune.

Bert: Fuckin'-a, man.

Amsterdam hostel concierge woman: Hello, and welcome to Amsterdam's finest and most luxurious youth hostel.

Scott: Sounds great.

Amsterdam hostel concierge woman: There is no bathroom, nor is there one nearby. Sorry. Get it?

Scott: She got it.

Amsterdam hostel concierge woman: If you do not wish to have your valuables stolen, I suggest destroying them or discarding them right now. You can also try hiding your valuables... in your anus.

Madame Vandersexxx: Drink? I'm gonna rip away his pants and look at his dick, Okay? Ready?

Cooper: Quit.

Madame Vandersexxx: Shut up. Sorry. I know I fucked it up. Yes! You take her hair... and one strand at a time, pull it out! Use her like a humping post!

Cooper: Jenny, this is Europe. They have orange juice ads with lesbians and dildos. Show them something they haven't seen.

Amsterdam hostel concierge woman: Should a fire occur, due to our faulty wiring, or the fireworks factory upstairs, you will be incinerated, along with the valuables you have hidden in your anus.

Jenny: [''Jumping up and down topless on highway shoulder with back to camera''] Hey! Check these out! I'm eighteen-years-old!

Candy: Is it off yet?

Cooper: No, keep rubbing it.