Paul RuddQuotes

Rosie: [reading a dictionary] Putz: Noun - a yokel; a jerk.

Censor: My rabbi consultant says it means "Penis.

Rosie: We're allowed to say "Penis.

Censor: Yes, you can say "Penis." But this is the bad penis. Like "prick.

Rosie: And... what exactly is the "good" penis?

Adam: [starts to take unbutton his pants] Check it out.

Adam: I'm 31. How old are you?

Rosie: 38.

Rosie: I'm not really 38.

Adam: Well, how old are you?

Rosie: 37.

Adam: Okay. Well, I'm 30.

Rosie: 40.

Adam: [continues kissing her] 29.

Rosie: [coming to an abrupt stop] What!? You're 29? What happened to 30? You're not even in your thirties?

Adam: [confused] What happened to 29?

Rosie: You're not even in your 30s!

Adam: Yeah? Well, neither are you.

Katie: Well, I just wanna spend some time with you, you know? It's our last day at camp.

Andy: My butt itches.

Katie: What are you talking about? Hey, we're soulmates, right?

Andy: What? Yeah, whatever, if you want... J.J., save me a waffle man!

Lindsay: Hey, what'cha writin on?

Andy: My gurnal. I write my thoughts in it every day.

Lindsay: Oh, you mean a journal?

Andy: Yeah, whatever. Guess I'm not all smart like you.

Andy: You French great.

Lindsay: You're not so bad yourself, Mr. Man.

Andy: You taste like a burger. I don't like you anymore.

George: [Talking to himself in a mirror] This was your idea, George. It's a good idea, right? It's a good idea. Monogamy is sexual slavery. She got an exquisite pussy. Well, how bout my exquisite erection? Huh? Eva, what do you think? Do you like my exquisite erection? Do you like my erection selection? What do you think, Eva? Yeah? You gon take it? You gon take that dick? You gon take that dick? I'm gon pop off a piece of my dick! Oh, yeah, I'm fixins to fuck ya. I'm gon fuck ya. I'm gon get it all up in yo vag. Get it up in yo vag with my dick... with my dick! Gonna put it in with my dick! I gon puts my dick in. I GON PUTS MY DICK IN!

Rodney: Sup, man. You alright?

George: Hey, man. What's up?

George: What happened?

Rodney: I took our car over to town, came back around the back road and boom -- cut to: in the pond.

George: What exactly happened?

Rodney: I took our car to town, came back, boom, cut to: in the pond.

George: No don't cut to in the pond, don't cut!

Rodney: I'm with you man.

Eva: Hey George.

George: Hey Eva. I didn't see you there.

Eva: You look sad.

George: Well...

Eva: Everything that's been happening in your life recently, the fact that you're walking on two feet at all, I mean, it's amazing. Seriously, George.

George: I've been walking on two feet for most of my adult life.

Eva: Oh George, I like you.

George: I like you too Eva.

Eva: We should make love sometime.

Seth: If you want to pick a fight with your sexual chi, it's just going to drive it inwards - and that invites disease, and death.

George: Man, not a fan of death.

Almond: [very, very pregnant] People treat sex like it's this huge deal with crazy life consequences...

Wayne: My name's Wayne by the way. I'm a nudist.

George: Oh yes, we noticed your penis earlier.

Wayne: Touche.

George: All these people live here. This is a commune.

Seth: We prefer intentional community. We're not a bunch of hippies sitting around playing guitar.

Lucy: In the five years we've known each other, have you once even ever considered having sex with me? Apart from tonight. You don't think I'm attracted to you.

Kevin: I don't think you're attracted to half the men you sleep with.

Lucy: You think I'm a slut!

Kevin: What? No.

Lucy: Yeah, you think I'm a big slut.

Kevin: I don't think you're a slut. A skanky little ho maybe, but never a slut.

Lucy: The truth is, you're afraid.

Kevin: What? I'm afraid. I'm, yeah, OK, you... I feel so naked right now. I'm totally afraid.

Lucy: It is so obvious.

Kevin: And so ridiculous.

Lucy: Prove it.

Kevin: I don't have to prove anything.

Lucy: I dare you. Kevin, I dare you to fuck me.

Kevin: Look, I'm just gonna go home and kill myself. You want to share a cab?

Lucy: So I can pass out and wake up alone on New Year's Day?

Kevin: What's this?

Lucy: It's your birthday present, fuckhead. Open it.

Lucy: You need to find somebody that likes you the way you are.

Kevin: And who would possibly like me the way I am?

Lucy: I have no idea.

Kevin: [[Joni Mitchell] You let somebody move in with you, you make all these little compromises to smooth things along, and the next thing you know, you're on some macrobiotic diet and you're listening to ].

Kevin: Did you know that cigarettes are a shield against meaningful interaction with people?

BBC Anchor: [[w:BBC|BBC; BBC news team shouts] Wait! Here's a headline for you: "Moronic Yank Wanker-man Gets a Bloody Good Hiding From Newsreader From a Superior Country." For we are the ] News Service!

Ron Burgundy: Oh, not now!

Jack Lime: [To his news team] Fall back, fall back.

Wesley Jackson: [[w:MTV|MTV] If y'all gonna get down, then Wesley Jackson and the ] news crew want in!

Brian Fantana: What's "MTV"?

Ron Burgundy: I think it's a venereal disease.

Wesley Jackson: [MTV news team shouts] The most requested video of the day: A new band called "Burgundy sucking chest wound"!

Jill Jansen: It wouldn't be a battle without Jill Jansen...

Wendy Van Peel: And Wendy Van Peel, from Entertainment News.

BBC Anchor: Entertainment News is an abomination!

Wendy Van Peel: Who are you wearing today? Oh, look, it's your own blood!

Jill Jansen: Today's celebrity birthdays: None. Today's celebrity deaths: All you dick-licks!

Brian Fantana: I like how they're put together.

Champ Kind: I like fighting girls.

Jill Jansen: I like to cunt-punt cowboys.

Wendy Van Peel: You eat pussy?

Jill Jansen: You're gonna.

Scott Riles: [Canada News Team shouts] HEEEEYYY! There's not gonna be any fight without Scott Riles and the incredibly polite Canadian News Team.

Quebec News Anchor: What about the French-speaking Quebec News? The real voice of Canada!

Scott Riles: Give it a rest, eh?

Champ Kind: Give me a break! They can't have news. Nothing happens in Canada!

Scott Riles: We're gonna mop the floor with ya! We're gonna put the boots to ya! Sorry.

Quebec News Anchor: Sorry. We're gonna gouge yer eyes out, and kick yer head in!

Scott Riles and Quebec News Anchor: Sorry!

Brick Tamland: [[w:Canada Dry|your ginger ale] ...I like ]!

Jeff Bullington: [[w:ESPN|ESPN] Jeff Bullington, ], all sports. Tonight's Play of the Day is me, extracting your spine from your dead body!

Brian Fantana: Holy shit, there's a lot of news!

Ron Burgundy: It's true, the market has become saturated.

History Network Host: [History Network team shouts] Hey! The History Network wants in on this. We're news too! Only news told much, much later!

Ron Burgundy: [[w:Stonewall Jackson|Stonewall Jackson] Wait a minute, is that the ghost of ] with you?

History Network Host: [[w:Minotaur|minotaur] Yes, it is. And the mighty ]!

Jack Lime: Eh, I don't know about this, man. The minotaur isn't even history. It's mythology!

Ron Burgundy: Hey, let's not downplay the fact that that's the ghost of Stonewall Jackson!

Ghost of Stonewall Jackson: May the Lord anoint this hallowed field of battle.

Mack Tannen: You guys got room in this battle for an old war horse?

Ron Burgundy: Mack Tannen? What are you doing here, you're too old for this!

Mack Tannen: Well, you see, there's the thing: When there's an early moon, I almost feel like a stallion again!

Champ Kind: He's on our side, right Ron?

Ron Burgundy: He's a were-hyena!

Wesley Jackson: [[w:Michael Jackson|Michael Jackson; [w:Michael Jackson's Thriller|video idea] I'm gonna call ], I got a ]!

Ron Burgundy: Alright, everyone, listen up! By virtue of being on this battlefield, there is no return! People will die!

Jill Jansen: [Quietly] I'm so horny right now.

Ron Burgundy: Some will be disfigured! In some cases, lasting friendships will be made! And as usual: No touching of the hair and face!

Scott Riles: C'mon! What do we look like, rookies?

Scott Riles and Quebec News anchor: Sorry.

Ron Burgundy: When El Trousias, Maiden of the Clouds, blows the battle horn, let the battle begin!

El Trousias: [Blows her horn] I am El Trousias! Hear my sirens song!

Jeff Bullington: El Trousias...the juiciest, hmm!

El Trousias: [Finishes blowing her horn] ...That means you can start.

Brian Fantana: It's called Sex Panther by Odeon. It's made with bits of real panther, so you know it's good. They've done studies, you know. Sixty percent of the time, it works every time.

Brian Fantana: People call me the Bri-man. I'm the stylish one of the group. I know what you're asking yourself, and the answer is yes, I have a nickname for my penis. It's called the Octagon. But I also nicknamed my testes. My left one is James Westfall, and my right one is Dr. Kenneth Noisewater. You ladies play your cards right, you just might get to meet the whole gang.

Peter Klaven: Slapping the bass! Slappa da bass! Slappa da bass mon! Slappa de bass mon!

Peter Klaven: Totally... Totes McGotes.

Scott Lang / Ant-Man: * Opening remarks, reading to children a passage from his book.

Scott Lang / Ant-Man: [[Avengers: Endgame|I'm glad we saved it] I still can't believe it. None of this should have happened. But it did. It's a pretty good world. ]. Do I miss the action? Sometimes. Would I be there when the Avengers need me? Absolutely. I'd never turn my back on them — but right now, the only job I want is being a dad. I love you Cassie — thanks for being my hero — and I'm sorry I missed some birthdays. For the rest of you kids out there — word of advice: Look out for the little guy. Make mistakes. Take chances. For if there's one thing life's taught me: There's always room to grow.

Dr. Robert Joley: Are you okay, honey?

George Hanson: How did we get back to the "honey" stage so quickly?

Dr. Robert Joley: Maybe we never should have left it.

George Hanson: Do you ever just want to touch her nose? I mean it's like a Tulip.

Nina: Don't start that with her.

George Hanson: I'm simple, that's why I teach first grade.

Pete: [after brushing his teeth] ... So what do you think? Should we have sex tonight?

Debbie: Ugh... sounds awful... I'm just really constipated. Do you really want to?

Pete: Well, not now!

Debbie: Hey, I have a great idea. Why don't the two of you go into your time machines and go back in time and each other?

Pete: Who needs a time machine?

Ben: [holds up a glass of liquor] This is my time machine, man.

Pete: I'm gonna throw you into my DeLorean, gun it to 88.

Debbie: [crying] I like "Spider-Man".

Pete: Okay, then let's go see Spider-Man 3 next week.

Debbie: I don't wanna see "Spider-Man". I don't want to have to ask you to ask me. I want you to think of it yourself.

Pete: Look, I don't even know what I'm supposed to say to you.

Debbie: You think that just because you don't yell, you're not mean? This is mean!

Debbie: Look, here are all the sex offenders in our neighborhood.

Pete: Looks like your computer has chicken pox.

Debbie: These are sex offenders. They live in our neighborhood.

Pete: Well, we'll skip their houses when we go trick-or-treating. What do you want me to do? Form a posse? (to Ben) I got my six shooter. Ya got your lynchin rope?

Debbie: If I didn't care about these things, you wouldn't care about anything. Care more.

Debbie: We have to help them raise the baby.

Pete: Well, no!

Pete: Every time when you see yourself you think, how is these monster came here

Pete: You look like a cholo dressed up for Easter.

Pete: [[Everybody Loves Raymond] Marriage is like a freak, unfunny version of ], only it doesn't last 22 minutes. It lasts forever.

Cher: I wanna do something good for humanity.

Josh: How about sterilization?

Josh: [[Mark Wahlberg|Marky Mark] We might get ] to plant a celebrity tree.

Cher: How fabulous. Getting Marky Mark to take time from his busy pants-dropping schedule to plant trees. Josh, why don't you just hire a gardener?

Josh: You know, maybe Marky Mark wants to use his popularity for a good cause, make a contribution. In case you've never heard of that, a contribution is the giving of...

Cher: Excuse me, but I've donated many expensive Italian outfits to Lucy...

Josh: Time... funds...

Cher: And as soon as I get my license, I fully intend to brake for animals, and I have contributed many hours to helping two lonely teachers find romance.

Josh: Which I'll bet serves your interests more than theirs. You know, if I ever saw you do something that wasn't 90% selfish, I'd die of shock.

Cher: Oh, that'd be reason enough for me.

Josh: Hey, James Bond, in America we drive on the right side of the road.

Cher: I am. You try driving in platforms.

Mel: So, Josh, have you given any thought to our little discussion about Corporate Law?

Josh: Yeah, you know, but I think I'd really like to check out Environmental Law.

Mel: What for? Do you wanna have a miserable, frustrating life?

Cher: Oh, Josh will have that no matter what he does.

Mel: At least he knows what he wants to do. And he's in a good college. I'd like to see you have a little bit of direction.

Cher: I have direction.

Josh: Yeah, towards the mall.

Josh: [[w:Contempo Casuals|Contempo Casual] Hey! In some parts of the universe, maybe not in ], but in some parts, it's considered cool to know what's going on in the world.

Cher: [[w:Kenny G|Kenny G] Thank you, Josh. I so need lessons from you on how to be cool. Tell me that part about ] again?

David: Andy! Andy, come on, we were just kidding!

Andy: Pointless.

David: Andy, nobody cares that you're a virgin. Don't be such a baby. They were just having fun. They didn't mean anything.

Andy: Get away from me, David.

David: Wait a minute.

Andy: Stop following me!

David: Hold up.

Andy: Hold on. I'm gonna have to quit my job now.

David: You don't have to quit your job.

Andy: You know what, I don't wanna go out with you guys.

David: Fine.

Andy: Okay? I don't need your help.

David: Okay, fine, you don't have to go out with us if you don't want.

Andy: [Montage of flashbacks; Painting a toy soldier of a [[w:Zouave|Zouave; Playing [[w: Tony Hawk's Underground|Tony Hawk's Underground; Karaoke; Laughing at a comic book in bed] You know what?! I respect women! I love women! I respect them so much, I completely stay away from them! I have a very fulfilling life... And now I am going to make your silver pants blue. Get some roadburn, come on! Come on, sucker! Now, pretty ladies around the world. Got a weird thing to show you. Oh my God!

Cal: So you're gay now?

David: No, I'm not gay. I'm just celibate.

Cal: I think... I mean, that sounds gay. I just want you to know that this is the first conversation...of three conversations that leads to you being gay. There's this, and then in a year it's like, "You know... I'm kind of going to wanna get back out there, but I think I like guys." And then there's the big, "I'm a gay guy now." You're gay for saying that.

David: [smirks] You're gay for saying that.

Cal: I'm gay for saying that?

David: You know how I know you're gay?

Cal: How? How do you know I'm gay?

David: Because you macraméd yourself a pair of jean shorts.

Cal: You know how I know you're gay? You just told me you're not sleeping with women anymore.

David: You know how I know you're gay?

Cal: How? Cause you're gay? And you can tell who other gay people are?

David: You know how I know you're gay?

Cal: How?

David: [[w:Coldplay|Coldplay] You like ]. You know how I know you're gay?

Cal: How?

David: [[w:Maid in Manhattan|Maid in Manhattan] You like the movie ].

Cal: You know how I know you're gay?

David: How?

Cal: I saw you make a spinach dip in a loaf of sourdough bread once.

David: You know how I know you're gay? You have a rainbow bumper sticker on your car that says, "I like it when balls are in my face.

Cal: That's gay?

David: [Gets killed in video game] Goddamn it!

Andy: You guys... she's picking me up in an hour.

Cal: Oh, drag, dude. She's picking you up from here?

Andy: Yeah.

Cal: That's fucked up, man.

Andy: Why? Why?

Cal: Seriously. I mean, look at this place, man. You gotta see this through the eyes of a woman, you know? What is she going to think when she comes in here? Look. He's got a billion toys.

Andy: So what?

Cal: And more video games than a teenaged Asian kid.

Andy: It's all right.

Cal: [[w:The Six Million Dollar Man|Six Million Dollar Man] Is that the ]'s boss?

Andy: It's Oscar Goldman.

Cal: Why do you have that?

Andy: [[w:Steve Austin|Steve Austin] That's worth a lot of money. That's much more valuable than ].

Cal: Well, that may be the case. But none of this shit is sexy, okay?

Andy: I'm not trying to be sexy, man.

Cal: [[w:Asia (band)|Asia] I mean, seriously, ]? You framed an Asia poster? How hard did the people at the frame store laugh... when you brought this in?

Andy: They did not laugh at me.

Cal: Know why you're gay? Because you like Asia.

Andy: You guys, cool it with the gay. You know, she's on her way over here, okay? First, you relax, okay? Just stop calming me down and tell me what I should do.

Cal: [[w:Neverland Ranch|Neverland Ranch] Okay, we just take everything that's embarrassing... and we move it out of here. So it doesn't look like you live in ].

David: [David and Andy are talking about relationships] Of course it's horrible. It's suffering...and it's pain, and it's...you know, you lose weight, and then you put back on weight, and then you call them a bunch of times, and you try and email, and then they move or they change their email...but that's just love.

David: [Being bitter about Amy] If she wants to be some immature little bitch and blow everybody... well, hey, that's love.

David: [Response to Jay's girlfriend's sonogram video again] It looks like the doppler radar.

David: [Response to Jay's girlfriend's sonogram video everyone watches in the store] It looks like a Poltergeist.

Tommy Doyle: Michael's work isn't done in Haddonfield. And soon, very soon, there come home to kill again. But this time, I'll be ready.

Tommy Doyle: My name's Tommy. I was only eight years old when I saw him. But I was one of the lucky ones. I survived.

Tommy Doyle: When Michael Myers was six years old, he stabbed his sister to death. For years he was locked up in Smith's Grove Sanitarium, but he escaped. And suddenly, Halloween became another word for mayhem. One by one, he killed his entire family, until his nine-year-old niece, Jamie Lloyd, was the only one left alive. Six years ago, Halloween night, Michael and Jamie vanished. Many people believed them dead, but I think that someone hid them away. Someone who keeps Michael, protects him... and tries to control him. And if there's one thing I know, you can't control evil. You can lock it up, you can burn it and bury it and pray that it dies, but it never will. It just rests awhile. You can lock your doors, and say your prayers at night, but the evil's out there... waiting. And maybe... just maybe... it's closer than you think.

Gary Grooberson: Hold on to your ass!

Gary Grooberson: If there's something strange, if there's something weird, who are people gonna call?

Gary Grooberson: Suit up. Shoot anything that looks terrifying.

Gary Grooberson: We're the Ghostbusters. We stay and fight for this place.