Peter MacNicol Quotes

A Character's Frustration Expressed Clearly

Thomas Renfield No, this is wrong. This is wrong! This is wrong, you hear me? Wrong! This is ... Wrong me! Wrong me! Wrong my brains out!

[as the vampire women are seducing Renfield]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Bean

Panic Over a Missing Painting

David Langley Seems to be a problem with the...'...door. Where's the picture gone?

[notices Bean trying to block the main door; notices the "Whistler's Mother" painting is gone]

Mr. Bean Uh... Um, uh...

David Langley What? What? What? What? OH, JESUS! OH, GOD! OH, OH, JESUS! GOD, OH! MARY, MOTHER OF JESUS! JESUS OF NAZARETH! Wait a minute... Why am I worried about this?! You did it! All I have to do is go out and tell them what happened! Oh, perfect! Then they'll say, "Who left him alone with the picture?" And I say, "Me"! And they'll say "You're fired!" I say "Fine"! No, no, no, no, no! Then they say "Firing's not enough. Let's prosecute you for negligence." Then I go to jail, my wife leaves me, my daughter becomes a prostitute, I wind up on death row sharing a cell with Butch McDick! All right, calm down. I just gotta calm down. Okay, okay. Give me one more look at the painting. OH, GOD! OH, GOD! GOD! OH, GOD!

[Bean picks up the painting with the tarp over it and drops the tarp to reveal a poorly drawn cartoon face over the damaged spot; David freaks out; Bean quickly turns the painting away while David shuts the door and locks it; takes a deep breath; Bean shows David the painting again; David freaks out once again; David screams out of the window]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Sophie's Choice

A Difficult Choice in Harsh Circumstances

Sophie My ], she's very sick, you know. And I can't do anything. But I think — if only I could have got — that meat for my mother it would make her ]. So I go to the country and er... the peasants were selling ham and I buy it with the black market money and I bring it back. But it's forbidden, you know, because all the meat goes to the Germans. So I sat on the train and I hid it under my skirt, I am pretending that I am pregnant, you know? Oh I was so afraid. I was shaking. And then the German, was in front of the train and he saw me. So he come over and take under my skirt that ham and... So they sent me ].

[[mother; [strong; [Auschwitz]

Stingo You were sent to Auschwitz because you stole a ham?

Sophie No, I was sent to Auschwitz because they saw that I was ].

[[afraid]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Housesitter

A Comedic Take on Marriage Dynamics

Marty Of marriage?

Newton It's not a marriage! It is a simple arrangement in which I will share my house with her and in exchange for which she will argue with me in public and generally make my life incredibly terrible.

Marty That's marriage.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Bean

Time Perception and Uncertainty

David Langley Doesn't it take, like, five hours? Right?

Mr. Bean ...not... necessarily.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Bean

A Life Dedicated to Art's Disappointment

David Langley I've given my life to art and from here on in, the only art I will get anywhere near are the pictures I draw on the pavement hoping passersby will throw nickels in my hat. I guess the long on the short of it: I wish I'd never been born.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Bean

The Value of Simply Observing Art

David Langley Well, sir, an unorthodox start; but I never expected things with a man of your caliber to be normal. I must confess, I've never actually read any of your work. Tell me, doctor, what exactly is your position at the gallery?

Mr. Bean I sit in the corner... and look at the paintings.

David Ah! That is brilliant! If only more scholars would do that, just sit and look, not lecture and write and argue, but just sit and look at the paintings themselves. Now that is brilliant. Yeah.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Bean

A Humorous Discussion on Intelligence and Curiosity

Jennifer Langley You're kidding.

[sarcastically]

David Langley Come on, it's gonna be great! Let's say there's a chart of the most intelligent people you've ever met in your lives. Well, at number one with the bullet is Dr. Bean.

David Langley Kevin, you know how sometimes you ask me questions that I can't answer.

Kevin Langley Yeah, like "What is an intrauterine device"?

David Langley I think more like "What's the meaning of life?

Kevin Langley I never asked you that.

David Langley That's fine. It doesn't matter! What I'm saying here is that Dr. Bean is a very remarkable man. Hey, for all you know, he could be very cute.

[to Jennifer; cuts to Bean standing in London raising his eyebrows at the camera and walking off. Cuts back to Jennifer]

Jennifer Langley Come on, the guy's gonna be a creep. All Englishmen are ugly. I just look at ] and weep.

[[Prince Charles]

David Langley Okay, so he's gonna look like Meat Loaf's butt.

Jennifer Langley Yeah, and that's if we get lucky.

David Langley Jennifer, no one is asking you to marry him!

Jennifer Langley I don't know why we have these family conferences if Dad's already made up his mind.

[Alison comes out of the kitchen]

Alison Langley Perceptive child.

Kevin Langley Hey, what's wrong with Meat Loaf's butt?

David Langley Oh, come on, everybody! It's gonna be great! Dr. Bean is a genius at the very highest order!

[stands up and shouts loudly across the room]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Bean

Cooking Expectations and Time Constraints

David Langley How could I forget?! What the hell are we going to give them?! Yes, I think they may be expecting something slightly more formal. Onion?! Just on its own?! No, no, don't be ridiculous! That's for Thanksgiving! Alison would kill me! No, there must be something else. Have you ever cooked one of these before?

[hurries into the kitchen; Bean pulls two hot dogs out of the fridge; Bean puts the hot dogs back and pulls out an onion; Bean puts the onion back and pulls out a Thanksgiving turkey; looks in the fridge]

Mr. Bean Oh, yes.

David Langley But, anyway, it would take, like, five hours, right?

Mr. Bean Not necessarily. What do you think, 20 minutes?

[cuts to Bean and David stuffing the turkey into the microwave; sets the timer]

David Langley I-I don't know. You're sure this is gonna work? Okay, you're the chef. Just put on some vegetables and come and say hello.

[Bean nods]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Sophie's Choice

The Paradox of Words and Actions

Stingo Leslie Lapidus could say fuck, but she could not do it.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Dragonslayer

Galen's Declaration of Responsibility and Power

Galen My lord Ulrich is no longer. All that you asked of him, you may now expect of me. The ] he would face, I will now conquer. The task he would undertake, I will now fulfill. I'm Galen Brandwarden, inheritor of Ulrich's ] and ], and I am the sorcerer you seek.

[[dangers; [Witchcraft|craft; [knowledge]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Bean

Celebrity Knowledge in Art Contexts

Bernice Schimmel I genuinely believe that we could get Jon Bon Jovi.

David Langley Jon Bon Jovi? To unveil, "Whistler's Mother"?

Bernice Schimmel Yes.

David Langley I've got nothing against Jon Bon Jovi. The man has had two great hairstyles in the last ten years, which is an achievement not to be sniffed at. But so far as I know, Mr Jovi knows absolutely nothing about 19th-century Impressionism. At least he has not mentioned it in any of his recent songs.

[pause a little]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Dracula: Dead and Loving It

Concern for the Furniture's Well-Being

Thomas Renfield My God! What are you doing to the furniture?

[upon seeing two voluptuous brides of Dracula - one rubbing a table seductively, the other rubbing the bedpost seductively]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Baby Geniuses

Revelation of a Twin Brother

Carrie Danger!

Dan What?

Robin What?

Carrie Whit has a twin brother called Sly, he's the one that's been here the last two days.

Dan What?

Robin What "what"?

Carrie Sly and Whit got switched at the mall, and Dr. Kinder kept Whit in her secret lab to experiment on.

Dan Oh my God!

Robin What?

Dan She says Elana's got a secret lab. I don't believe this, Whit and Sly got switched at mall!

Robin What? Who's Sly?

Carrie She's getting rid of the lab, and moving the babies to Liechtenstein.

Dan Leichtenstein? Oh my God!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Housesitter

A Dilemma of Credit and Recognition

Newton So, what do you think, can you show this to Moseby?

Marty Ah... you'd better do it.

Newton Why? He likes you.

Marty Davis, if I take that in there and Moseby starts carrying on about how brilliant it is... I'm going to take the credit.

Newton What?

Marty Mmm hmm.

Newton You're my friend, where are your ethics?

Marty My ethics are that I know this about myself, so I'm not going to take this in there and screw you over.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Bean

Perceptions of Genius and Responsibility

David Langley Incredible! you set?

[after riding at the Ride of Doom for the first time; David wakes up Bean who was sleeping throughout the ride and gets startled]

Lieutenant Brutus He's a genius, huh?

David Langley That's what they tell me.

Lieutenant Brutus Well, he looks like a fruitcake to me. Are you willing to take responsibility for his actions?

Mr. Bean BOO!

David Langley Ohh!

Lieutenant Brutus Well, you're a braver man than me, and I single-handedly take on gangs armed with AK-47s. Get him outta here. Tell him his is a butt I would dearly love to kick. And the next time, I will.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Baby Geniuses

Identity Confusion Among Characters

Sly They've got Whit.

Dan Who's got Whit? Wait, you're Whit.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Sophie's Choice

Morning Reflections in Sophie's Choice

Stingo This was not ] — only ]. Morning: excellent and ].

[[judgement day; [morning; [fair]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Sophie's Choice

A Moment of Lightness Amidst Tension

Sophie Stingo, you look... you look very nice, you're wearing your cocksucker.

Stingo That's my "].

[[w:Seersucker|seersucker]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Bean

Misunderstanding During Doctor's Visit

Alison Langley Hello, Doctor.

Mr. Bean Hello.

David Langley No, no, no, no, Doctor, that is not for the TV, that's for the--

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Dragonslayer

A Tense Exchange Over Gold and Trust

Galen What have you got there?

Hodge None of your business.

Galen A little gold, eh? Shall I change it into lead?

Hodge Save your jokes for someone else. I do not care for braggarts, or frauds.

Galen I'm no fraud.

Hodge Fool, then. Upstart. Whatever pleases you.

Dracula: Dead and Loving It

Renfield's Devotion to His Master

Thomas Renfield Yesss... MASSSTER!

Dragonslayer

Legacy of Kings and the Burden of Valor

Casiodorus Rex Did you ever hear of King Gaiseric? Oh no, of course not, you weren't even born. He was my brother, a great King and a valiant man-at-arms. When he ascended the throne, the dragon was unbridled. No one knew where it might strike next. So, he brought forth his ], assembled his best company of fighters and went out to do battle. He was never seen again. But his attack provoked the most terrible reprisals: whole villages incinerated, entire crops burnt, ], famine... horrible. How did you arrogate to yourself the role of "savior"?

[[Sword|broadsword; [death]

Galen I was invited.

Casiodorus Rex Not by me! I think you're nothing but a boy … an apprentice! Have you ever considered the ] of ]?

[rips the amulet from around Galen's neck; [consequences; [failure]

Galen What failure? What are you saying, do you want the ] back?

[[dragon]

Casiodorus Rex You came here and toyed with the monster! Who are you, to risk our people? Our villages?

Galen But your ] were dying!

[[children]

Casiodorus Rex Only a few, does that sound ]? It is better that they should ] that others might live. I created the lottery! Me! And from the moment it began, the dragon was tamed! The kingdom has prospered!

[[cruel; [die]

Galen At what price? You can't make a shameful "]" with dragons. You must kill them as I have done.

[[peace]

Casiodorus Rex Then the beast is dead?

Galen Yes, it's dead.

Casiodorus Rex We shall see.

Housesitter

A Question of Sanity and Bold Responses

Marty What are you, insane? Why didn't you just kick him in the balls and tell him he has ugly children?

Dracula: Dead and Loving It

Conflicting Perceptions of Reality

Thomas Renfield I didn't see anything! I didn't see anything I saw everything!

[guard locks door; cackles]

Dracula: Dead and Loving It

Renfield's Reluctance to Medical Procedures

Thomas Renfield No! No! Not another enema!

[upon hearing Dr. Seward's instruction to the guard'': "Take him back to his cell and give him a you-know-what!"]

Sophie's Choice

Desire for Freedom Amidst Suffering

Stingo Don't you see? We are dying. I longed desperately to escape, to pack my bags and free, but I did not.

Bean

A Conversation About Drinking Preferences

David Langley Hey, do you drink, Bean?

Mr. Bean No.

David Langley Good, neither do I.

Bean

Honesty and Suspicions in Unlikely Conversations

David Langley Bean? I think we need to be honest with each other. I cannot deny that over the last days, some suspicions have begun to gather in my mind, and I would just like to ask you some direct questions. Ok? Number one - are you a doctor?

[clears throat]

Mr. Bean No.

[shakes head]

David Langley Number two: do you know anything about art?

Mr. Bean Well...

David Langley Oh, just for instance here, uh... was Leonardo Da Vinci an American basketball player?

[laughs]

Mr. Bean ...Yes.

Memorable Quotes from Peter MacNicol