Peter SellersQuotes

Michelle Monet: Oh, here's your hat.

Hrundi V. Bakshi: Oh, look... you keep it.

Michelle Monet: But you may need it.

Hrundi V. Bakshi: No, I'd like you to keep it.

Michelle Monet: All right. If you think that you should want it or need it sometimes...

Hrundi V. Bakshi: Well, if I need it... I could always come, perhaps, and pick it up.

Michelle Monet: That would be very nice.

Hrundi V. Bakshi: When would you be available for me to pick up my hat?

Michelle Monet: [laughs shyly] Well... maybe next week.

Hrundi V. Bakshi: I'll come and get it then.

Michelle Monet: OK.

Hrundi V. Bakshi: For I'd love to have my hat back.

Michelle Monet: Goodbye.

Hrundi V. Bakshi: Bye bye.

C. S. Divot: Just who do you think you are?

Hrundi V. Bakshi: In India, we don't think who we are. We know who we are.

Waiter: Would you care for some hors-d'oeuvres sir?

Hrundi V. Bakshi: [Takes his shoe] I am on a diet, but to hell with it!

C. S. Divot: You mashuga!

Hrundi V. Bakshi: I am not your sugar.

Hrundi V. Bakshi: Hrundi V. Bakshi.

Michelle Monet: Pardon?

Hrundi V. Bakshi: That is what my name is called.

Hrundi V. Bakshi: We have a saying in India...

Michelle Monet: Yes?

Hrundi V. Bakshi: Yes.

Michelle Monet: Well?

Hrundi V. Bakshi: Well what?

Director: You ready? Action!

Director: [jumps to his feet; very patiently] Cut, damn it! Cut! Mr. Bakshi.

Hrundi V. Bakshi: Yes, sir.

Director: Has it occurred to you...that the period of our picture is 1878?

Hrundi V. Bakshi: Yes, indeed, sir. I am well aware...that that is the period of the film.

Director: Mr. Bakshi, are you also aware...that in 1878 they weren't wearing underwater watches?

Hrundi V. Bakshi: Yes, sir. I know that. They had not even been invented.

Director: You got the time?

Hrundi V. Bakshi: [looks at his watch; freezes] Yes, it's... oh, my God.

Director: You.

Hrundi V. Bakshi: Me?

Director: Yes, you. Get off of my set, and out of my picture. Off, off! You're washed up, you're finished! I'll see to it that you never make another movie again!

Hrundi V. Bakshi: Does that include television, sir?

Hrundi V. Bakshi: Howdy partiner

Hrundi V. Bakshi: Wisdom is the province of the aged, but the heart of a child is pure.

Hrundi V. Bakshi: Thirty days have September, October, June and February, all the rest have 29, except my brother who got six months.

Hrundi V. Bakshi: Birdie Num Num

Jean Farlow: [about Charlotte] She was a wonderful person, Humbert. She was always so gay, wasn't she, John?

Jean Farlow: [to Humbert] Try to think of your poor little Lolita, all alone in the world. You must live for her sake.

Miss Lebone: [to Humbert] Well I think I ought to tell you that the neighbors are beginning to get a little curious about you and your little girl...You know how people talk.

Clare Quilty: [on the phone] Hello. Is this Professor Humbert?...How are you Professor?...I was just wondering if you've been enjoying your stay in our lovely little town...It doesn't matter what my name is. It's really obscure - an unremarkable name....my department, you see, is sorta concerned with the bizarre rumors that have been circulating about you and that lovely, remarkable girl you've been traveling around with...with all this traveling around you do, you don't get much time to see a psychiatrist regularly, is that right?...You are classified in our files, professor, you are classified in our files as a white widowed male. I wonder if you'd be prepared to give our investigator a report, Professor, on your, uh, current sex life, if any...!

Dick Schiller: An opportunity for a guy like me to get in on the ground floor where industry's opening up. And if we can scrape together enough money with, with maybe your help, well, we can go. We got a few back debts. We kinda over-extended ourselves. She's sure a swell kid, Professor Haze. She sure is, she's just nuts about dogs and kids. She's gonna make a swell mother too.

Sir Charles Lytton: He's either reloading, or he's out of ammunition.

Inspector Clouseau: E's out of his mind, that's what e's out of!

Inspector Clouseau: [to blind beggar] City Ordinance 132R prohibits the begging.

Blind beggar: How do you know so much about city ordinances?

Inspector Clouseau: What sort of stupid question is that? Are you blind?

Blind beggar: Yes!

Police Chief Lundallah: He pulled himself across the floor using this wire. How else could he have avoided our radar field?

Inspector Clouseau: He did? ... Yes, how else! Hmm. Of course he would have needed a very slippery floor to do that.

Police Chief Lundallah: Therefore the wax.

Inspector Clouseau: [Clouseau slips on the waxed floor and falls to the ground] The wax? ... AGHH!

Col. Sharki: Are you alright, Inspector?

Inspector Clouseau: [on his knees; sniffs the wax on the floor] Of course I'm alright. I'm... examining the wax. Have you taken a sample of this wax?

Police Chief Lundallah: Wax is wax!

Inspector Clouseau: See, this is where you are wrong. Wax is NOT just wax. In this case it is a clue. French wax, English wax, domestic wax...

Col. Sharki: Ah, the Inspector is right. Have the wax tested immediately.

Inspector Clouseau: [grabbing a mechanical arm from the jewel stand] It is my guess that you will find it is English wax.

Police Chief Lundallah: Why?

Inspector Clouseau: Because your thief is an Englishman.

Col. Sharki: How do you know that?

Inspector Clouseau: It is my business to know that. He is Sir Charles Phantom, the notorious Lytton.

Police Chief Lundallah: The Phantom?

Inspector Clouseau: Yes, one and the same.

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: The beggar was the lookout man for the gang.

Inspector Clouseau: That is impossible.

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: Why?

Inspector Clouseau: He was blind! How can a blind man be a lookout?

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: How can an idiot be a policeman? Answer me that!

Inspector Clouseau: It's very simple. All he has to do is enlist...

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: Shut up!

Inspector Clouseau: [answering the phone] This is Monsieur Gadbois - who is this speaking?

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: Don't you know? Hmmm? Hmmm? Can't you guess? I'll give you a clue - this is the man who hates you. This is the man who more than anything else in the world would like to see you dead and buried!

Inspector Clouseau: ...are you the headwaiter that works in the little bistro on the Rue de Bazaar?

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: No, this is Chief Inspector Dreyfus! Idiot!

Inspector Clouseau: You understand that anyone could ask for Monsieur Guy Gadbois and say that they were Chief Inspector Dreyfus. What is your code-name?

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: Code-name... CODE-NAME?! I've never had a code-name, lunatic!

Inspector Clouseau: Only the real Inspector Dreyfus would know that he did not have a code-name.

Inspector Clouseau: How long have you been a bellboy

Bellboy: Oh, too long, Monsieur.

Clouseau: Keep up the good work, and I shall see to it you become a bell-MAN.

Inspector Clouseau: I tell you, infamous powers are at work! The instant you assign me to a case, the Underworld hears about it and I am set upon! ... It is amazing that I am still alive.

Inspector Clouseau: Do I detect something in your voice that says I am in disfavor with you?

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: YES! I wish you were DEAD!

Inspector Clouseau: Well, of course, you are entitled to your opinion.

Inspector Clouseau: This is very strange. I do not ever recall receiving the fortune cookie in a Japanese restaurant.

Sgt. François Chevalier: What does yours say?

Inspector Clouseau: Beware of Japanese waitress bearing fortune cookies...

Inspector Clouseau: [at Lytton Manor in Nice, while working undercover as a telephone repairman, Clouseau has already annihilated the Lyttons' doorbell!] ... I am from the Nice Telephone Company; there is some trouble with your phone.

Mac: ...I don't think there's any trouble with the telephones here.

Inspector Clouseau: I know when there is a trouble, and when there is not a trouble, and you may rest assured that there is a trouble.

Mac: Since when?

Inspector Clouseau: Since it was reported.

Mac: By whom? And what sort of trouble is it?

Inspector Clouseau: If I knew that, I could simply call you up and tell you what the trouble with your telephone is!

Inspector Clouseau: I arrest you, Sir Charles Phantom, the notorious pink Lytton.

Inspector Clouseau: I did not know the bank was being robbed because I was engaged in my sworn duty as a police officer.

Inspector Clouseau: [to a taxi driver; driver gets out of the taxi and follows the car] : Follow that car!

Inspector Clouseau: [after inadvertently destroying much of the hotel he is in] : I must leave. Zis Hotel is deteriorating rapidly.

Inspector Clouseau: Valet, this is Inspector Clouseau. Please send up my... well, please send down my brown suit immediately. As quick as you can. Quicker, please!

Inspector Clouseau: I see you are familiar with the falling-down-on-the-floor ploy.

Inspector Clouseau: You fool! You raving Oriental idiot! There is a time and a place for everything, Cato! ...and this is it!!

Piper: Excuse me. Are you Richard Burton?

Evelyn Tremble: No, I'm Peter O'Toole!

Piper: Then you're the finest man that ever breathed.

Evelyn Tremble: [''To Miss Goodthighs''] Look, I think I better... freshen up a bit. Quick. I'll be back in five minutes. If I'm not, start without me.

Evelyn Tremble: [[w:Team Lotus|Lotus Formula Three] Grand Prix enthusiasts may be worried by the amount of time it has taken me to get into this Lotus Formula Three. What they don't realize is, although Le Chiffre thinks he has a faster car than me, I am faster in my ]. Hee, hee!

Morton Hull: Do you realize that more people will be watching you tonight, than all those who have seen theater plays in the last forty years?

Chance: Why?

Dennis Watson: You know, I've never met anyone like you in Washington before.

Chance: Yes, I've been here all my life.

Dennis Watson: Really? And uh, where have you been all MY life? … Ah, tell me, Mr. Gardner... have you ever had sex with a man?

Chance: No... I don't think so.

Dennis Watson: We could go upstairs right now.

Chance: Is there a TV upstairs? I like to watch.

Dennis Watson: You like to uh, watch?

Chance: Yes.

Dennis Watson: You wait right here. I'll go get Warren!

Ron Steigler: Mr. Gardner, uh, my editors and I have been wondering if you would consider writing a book for us, something about your um, political philosophy, what do you say?

Chance: I can't write.

Ron Steigler: Heh, heh, of course not, who can nowadays? Listen, I have trouble writing a postcard to my children. Look uhh, we can give you a six figure advance, I'll provide you with the very best ghost-writer, proof-readers...

Chance: I can't read.

Ron Steigler: Of course you can't! No one has the time! We, we glance at things, we watch television...

Chance: I like to watch TV.

Ron Steigler: Oh, oh, oh sure you do. No one reads!

President "Bobby: [[growth] Mr. Gardner, do you agree with Ben, or do you think that we can stimulate ] through temporary incentives?

Chance: [[garden] As long as the roots are not severed, all is well. And all will be well in the ].

President "Bobby: In the garden.

Chance: Yes. In the garden, growth has it seasons. First comes spring and summer, but then we have fall and winter. And then we get spring and summer again.

President "Bobby: Spring and summer.

Chance: Yes.

President "Bobby: Then fall and winter.

Chance: Yes.

Benjamin Rand: I think what our insightful young friend is saying is that we welcome the inevitable seasons of nature, but we're upset by the seasons of our economy.

Chance: Yes! There will be growth in the spring!

Benjamin Rand: Hmm!

Chance: Hmm!

President "Bobby: Hm. Well, Mr. Gardner, I must admit that is one of the most refreshing and optimistic statements I've heard in a very, very long time. … I admire your good, solid sense. That's precisely what we lack on Capitol Hill.

Abraz: Bullshit. Who sent you here, boy? Did that chickenshit asshole Raphael send you, boy?

Chance: No. Mr. Thomas Franklin told me I must leave the old man's house. He's dead, you know.

Abraz: Dead, my ass. You tell that asshole, if he got somethin to tell me, to get his ass down here himself! You got that, boy?

Chance: If I see Rafael, I will relay your message.

Louise: He's dead, Chance. The old man's dead.

Chance: [continues watching television] I see.