Memorable Quotes from Peter Sellers
38 quotesInspector Clouseau Requests His Brown Suit
Inspector Clouseau
Valet, this is Inspector Clouseau. Please send up my... well, please send down my brown suit immediately. As quick as you can. Quicker, please!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unusual Encounters in Washington Conversations
Dennis Watson
You know, I've never met anyone like you in Washington before.
Chance
Yes, I've been here all my life.
Dennis Watson
Really? And uh, where have you been all MY life? … Ah, tell me, Mr. Gardner... have you ever had sex with a man?
Chance
No... I don't think so.
Dennis Watson
We could go upstairs right now.
Chance
Is there a TV upstairs? I like to watch.
Dennis Watson
You like to uh, watch?
Chance
Yes.
Dennis Watson
You wait right here. I'll go get Warren!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Seasons of Growth and Political Debate
President "Bobby
Mr. Gardner, do you agree with Ben, or do you think that we can stimulate ] through temporary incentives?
[[growth]
Chance
As long as the roots are not severed, all is well. And all will be well in the ].
[[garden]
President "Bobby
In the garden.
Chance
Yes. In the garden, growth has it seasons. First comes spring and summer, but then we have fall and winter. And then we get spring and summer again.
President "Bobby
Spring and summer.
Chance
Yes.
President "Bobby
Then fall and winter.
Chance
Yes.
Benjamin Rand
I think what our insightful young friend is saying is that we welcome the inevitable seasons of nature, but we're upset by the seasons of our economy.
Chance
Yes! There will be growth in the spring!
Benjamin Rand
Hmm!
Chance
Hmm!
President "Bobby
Hm. Well, Mr. Gardner, I must admit that is one of the most refreshing and optimistic statements I've heard in a very, very long time. … I admire your good, solid sense. That's precisely what we lack on Capitol Hill.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Confrontation Over a Message Delivery
Abraz
Bullshit. Who sent you here, boy? Did that chickenshit asshole Raphael send you, boy?
Chance
No. Mr. Thomas Franklin told me I must leave the old man's house. He's dead, you know.
Abraz
Dead, my ass. You tell that asshole, if he got somethin to tell me, to get his ass down here himself! You got that, boy?
Chance
If I see Rafael, I will relay your message.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Humorous Exchange About Career Aspirations
Inspector Clouseau
How long have you been a bellboy
Bellboy
Oh, too long, Monsieur.
Clouseau
Keep up the good work, and I shall see to it you become a bell-MAN.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Slippery Floor Mystery Unfolds
Police Chief Lundallah
He pulled himself across the floor using this wire. How else could he have avoided our radar field?
Inspector Clouseau
He did? ... Yes, how else! Hmm. Of course he would have needed a very slippery floor to do that.
Police Chief Lundallah
Therefore the wax.
Inspector Clouseau
The wax? ... AGHH!
[Clouseau slips on the waxed floor and falls to the ground]
Col. Sharki
Are you alright, Inspector?
Inspector Clouseau
Of course I'm alright. I'm... examining the wax. Have you taken a sample of this wax?
[on his knees; sniffs the wax on the floor]
Police Chief Lundallah
Wax is wax!
Inspector Clouseau
See, this is where you are wrong. Wax is NOT just wax. In this case it is a clue. French wax, English wax, domestic wax...
Col. Sharki
Ah, the Inspector is right. Have the wax tested immediately.
Inspector Clouseau
It is my guess that you will find it is English wax.
[grabbing a mechanical arm from the jewel stand]
Police Chief Lundallah
Why?
Inspector Clouseau
Because your thief is an Englishman.
Col. Sharki
How do you know that?
Inspector Clouseau
It is my business to know that. He is Sir Charles Phantom, the notorious Lytton.
Police Chief Lundallah
The Phantom?
Inspector Clouseau
Yes, one and the same.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Career Decline and Uncertain Future
Director
You.
Hrundi V. Bakshi
Me?
Director
Yes, you. Get off of my set, and out of my picture. Off, off! You're washed up, you're finished! I'll see to it that you never make another movie again!
Hrundi V. Bakshi
Does that include television, sir?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Diet Compromised for Tempting Hors-d'oeuvres
Waiter
Would you care for some hors-d'oeuvres sir?
Hrundi V. Bakshi
I am on a diet, but to hell with it!
[Takes his shoe]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Misunderstanding Over Sugar and Madness
C. S. Divot
You mashuga!
Hrundi V. Bakshi
I am not your sugar.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Inspector Clouseau's Hotel Departure Statement
Inspector Clouseau
: I must leave. Zis Hotel is deteriorating rapidly.
[after inadvertently destroying much of the hotel he is in]
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A Discussion on Ammunition and Sanity
Sir Charles Lytton
He's either reloading, or he's out of ammunition.
Inspector Clouseau
E's out of his mind, that's what e's out of!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Inspector Clouseau Arrests Sir Charles Phantom
Inspector Clouseau
I arrest you, Sir Charles Phantom, the notorious pink Lytton.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Conversations Around a Troubling Relationship
Jean Farlow
She was a wonderful person, Humbert. She was always so gay, wasn't she, John?
[about Charlotte]
Jean Farlow
Try to think of your poor little Lolita, all alone in the world. You must live for her sake.
[to Humbert]
Miss Lebone
Well I think I ought to tell you that the neighbors are beginning to get a little curious about you and your little girl...You know how people talk.
[to Humbert]
Clare Quilty
Hello. Is this Professor Humbert?...How are you Professor?...I was just wondering if you've been enjoying your stay in our lovely little town...It doesn't matter what my name is. It's really obscure - an unremarkable name....my department, you see, is sorta concerned with the bizarre rumors that have been circulating about you and that lovely, remarkable girl you've been traveling around with...with all this traveling around you do, you don't get much time to see a psychiatrist regularly, is that right?...You are classified in our files, professor, you are classified in our files as a white widowed male. I wonder if you'd be prepared to give our investigator a report, Professor, on your, uh, current sex life, if any...!
[on the phone]
Dick Schiller
An opportunity for a guy like me to get in on the ground floor where industry's opening up. And if we can scrape together enough money with, with maybe your help, well, we can go. We got a few back debts. We kinda over-extended ourselves. She's sure a swell kid, Professor Haze. She sure is, she's just nuts about dogs and kids. She's gonna make a swell mother too.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Misunderstandings About Writing and Reading
Ron Steigler
Mr. Gardner, uh, my editors and I have been wondering if you would consider writing a book for us, something about your um, political philosophy, what do you say?
Chance
I can't write.
Ron Steigler
Heh, heh, of course not, who can nowadays? Listen, I have trouble writing a postcard to my children. Look uhh, we can give you a six figure advance, I'll provide you with the very best ghost-writer, proof-readers...
Chance
I can't read.
Ron Steigler
Of course you can't! No one has the time! We, we glance at things, we watch television...
Chance
I like to watch TV.
Ron Steigler
Oh, oh, oh sure you do. No one reads!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Wisdom and Purity in Life's Journey
Hrundi V. Bakshi
Wisdom is the province of the aged, but the heart of a child is pure.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Acceptance of Death in Conversation
Louise
He's dead, Chance. The old man's dead.
Chance
I see.
[continues watching television]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Cultural Exchange in Conversation
Hrundi V. Bakshi
We have a saying in India...
Michelle Monet
Yes?
Hrundi V. Bakshi
Yes.
Michelle Monet
Well?
Hrundi V. Bakshi
Well what?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Clouseau's Confusion in a Dangerous Encounter
Inspector Clouseau
This is Monsieur Gadbois - who is this speaking?
[answering the phone]
Chief Inspector Dreyfus
Don't you know? Hmmm? Hmmm? Can't you guess? I'll give you a clue - this is the man who hates you. This is the man who more than anything else in the world would like to see you dead and buried!
Inspector Clouseau
...are you the headwaiter that works in the little bistro on the Rue de Bazaar?
Chief Inspector Dreyfus
No, this is Chief Inspector Dreyfus! Idiot!
Inspector Clouseau
You understand that anyone could ask for Monsieur Guy Gadbois and say that they were Chief Inspector Dreyfus. What is your code-name?
Chief Inspector Dreyfus
Code-name... CODE-NAME?! I've never had a code-name, lunatic!
Inspector Clouseau
Only the real Inspector Dreyfus would know that he did not have a code-name.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Duty Over Distraction in Crime Investigation
Inspector Clouseau
I did not know the bank was being robbed because I was engaged in my sworn duty as a police officer.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Conflict Between Clouseau and Dreyfus
Inspector Clouseau
I tell you, infamous powers are at work! The instant you assign me to a case, the Underworld hears about it and I am set upon! ... It is amazing that I am still alive.
Inspector Clouseau
Do I detect something in your voice that says I am in disfavor with you?
Chief Inspector Dreyfus
YES! I wish you were DEAD!
Inspector Clouseau
Well, of course, you are entitled to your opinion.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Telephone Troubles in Nice
Inspector Clouseau
... I am from the Nice Telephone Company; there is some trouble with your phone.
[at Lytton Manor in Nice, while working undercover as a telephone repairman, Clouseau has already annihilated the Lyttons' doorbell!]
Mac
...I don't think there's any trouble with the telephones here.
Inspector Clouseau
I know when there is a trouble, and when there is not a trouble, and you may rest assured that there is a trouble.
Mac
Since when?
Inspector Clouseau
Since it was reported.
Mac
By whom? And what sort of trouble is it?
Inspector Clouseau
If I knew that, I could simply call you up and tell you what the trouble with your telephone is!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Inspector Clouseau on the Falling-Down Ploy
Inspector Clouseau
I see you are familiar with the falling-down-on-the-floor ploy.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Identity and Self-Perception in India
C. S. Divot
Just who do you think you are?
Hrundi V. Bakshi
In India, we don't think who we are. We know who we are.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Confidence in Competitive Racing Skills
Evelyn Tremble
Grand Prix enthusiasts may be worried by the amount of time it has taken me to get into this Lotus Formula Three. What they don't realize is, although Le Chiffre thinks he has a faster car than me, I am faster in my ]. Hee, hee!
[[w:Team Lotus|Lotus Formula Three]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Significance of Birdie Num Num
Hrundi V. Bakshi
Birdie Num Num
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Historical Context in Filmmaking
Director
You ready? Action!
Director
Cut, damn it! Cut! Mr. Bakshi.
[jumps to his feet; very patiently]
Hrundi V. Bakshi
Yes, sir.
Director
Has it occurred to you...that the period of our picture is 1878?
Hrundi V. Bakshi
Yes, indeed, sir. I am well aware...that that is the period of the film.
Director
Mr. Bakshi, are you also aware...that in 1878 they weren't wearing underwater watches?
Hrundi V. Bakshi
Yes, sir. I know that. They had not even been invented.
Director
You got the time?
Hrundi V. Bakshi
Yes, it's... oh, my God.
[looks at his watch; freezes]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Clarifying Identity in Conversation
Hrundi V. Bakshi
Hrundi V. Bakshi.
Michelle Monet
Pardon?
Hrundi V. Bakshi
That is what my name is called.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Humorous Take on Calendar Months
Hrundi V. Bakshi
Thirty days have September, October, June and February, all the rest have 29, except my brother who got six months.
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A Playful Exchange on Identity
Piper
Excuse me. Are you Richard Burton?
Evelyn Tremble
No, I'm Peter O'Toole!
Piper
Then you're the finest man that ever breathed.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Casual greeting from Hrundi V. Bakshi
Hrundi V. Bakshi
Howdy partiner
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Brief Pause for Freshening Up
Evelyn Tremble
Look, I think I better... freshen up a bit. Quick. I'll be back in five minutes. If I'm not, start without me.
[''To Miss Goodthighs'']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Conversation on City Ordinance and Blindness
Inspector Clouseau
City Ordinance 132R prohibits the begging.
[to blind beggar]
Blind beggar
How do you know so much about city ordinances?
Inspector Clouseau
What sort of stupid question is that? Are you blind?
Blind beggar
Yes!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Exchange of a Hat
Michelle Monet
Oh, here's your hat.
Hrundi V. Bakshi
Oh, look... you keep it.
Michelle Monet
But you may need it.
Hrundi V. Bakshi
No, I'd like you to keep it.
Michelle Monet
All right. If you think that you should want it or need it sometimes...
Hrundi V. Bakshi
Well, if I need it... I could always come, perhaps, and pick it up.
Michelle Monet
That would be very nice.
Hrundi V. Bakshi
When would you be available for me to pick up my hat?
Michelle Monet
Well... maybe next week.
[laughs shyly]
Hrundi V. Bakshi
I'll come and get it then.
Michelle Monet
OK.
Hrundi V. Bakshi
For I'd love to have my hat back.
Michelle Monet
Goodbye.
Hrundi V. Bakshi
Bye bye.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Blind Lookout: A Logical Dilemma
Chief Inspector Dreyfus
The beggar was the lookout man for the gang.
Inspector Clouseau
That is impossible.
Inspector Clouseau
He was blind! How can a blind man be a lookout?
Chief Inspector Dreyfus
How can an idiot be a policeman? Answer me that!
Inspector Clouseau
It's very simple. All he has to do is enlist...
Chief Inspector Dreyfus
Shut up!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Fortune Cookie Warnings in a Restaurant
Inspector Clouseau
This is very strange. I do not ever recall receiving the fortune cookie in a Japanese restaurant.
Sgt. François Chevalier
What does yours say?
Inspector Clouseau
Beware of Japanese waitress bearing fortune cookies...
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Impact of Media on Audience Perception
Morton Hull
Do you realize that more people will be watching you tonight, than all those who have seen theater plays in the last forty years?
Chance
Why?
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Inspector Clouseau's Moment of Frustration
Inspector Clouseau
You fool! You raving Oriental idiot! There is a time and a place for everything, Cato! ...and this is it!!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Pursuing the Target Vehicle
Inspector Clouseau
: Follow that car!
[to a taxi driver; driver gets out of the taxi and follows the car]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.