P

Phil Hartman Quotes

Actor

Memorable Quotes from Phil Hartman

4 quotes
Small Soldiers
Negotiation Turns Hostile in Small Soldiers Scene
Phil Fimple Hi! I'm Phil Fimple. I'm here to negotiate the surrender of the, uh... ]. Now here's our proposal: take them!
[[w:Gorgonzola|Gorgonzolas]
Insaniac Hey! He's selling us down the river! The guy's a regular ]
[listening from inside; [w:Benedict Arnold|Arnold Benedict!]
Phil Fimple I mean, switch em off, take em apart, steal their batteries, whatever it is you... people do. Hey... is that my JVC?!
[notices speakers covered by a net]
Chip Hazard There will be no surrender! There will be no mercy! All Gorgonite scum must die!
Link Static Yeah! Bomb em all the way back to preschool!
Chip Hazard Recon estimates Gorgonite scum strength at 16!
Christy Fimple Sixteen? Where'd they get sixteen from?
Larry Benson Seven Gorgonites and nine people.
Phil Fimple Well, you heard our proposal...
[nervously]
Stuart Abernathy Phil, get in here! Hurry!
[opening the door]
Chip Hazard These negotiations are over!
Chip Hazard We are the Commando Elite! Everything else... is just a toy!
Alan Abernathy What are they doing?
Irene Abernathy Psychological warfare.
Christy Fimple The Marines did this against ].
[[w:Manuel Noriega|Noriega]
Marion Fimple Phil? Phil!
Phil Fimple What?
Marion Fimple I love this song!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Sgt. Bilko
Military Careers and Challenges at Fort Baxter
COL John Hall Major, let me be frank. A negative report from you at this time would be the death knell for Fort Baxter. See, we've been in sort of a slump lately, and I-
MAJ Colin Thorn Nine years without a single successful test? That's not a slump, Colonel, that's a tradition!
Hall Look, Major- think for a minute. About the men; their careers! My career.
Thorn Look, Colonel, you play the hand you're dealt. This isn't exactly the career I had in mind when I got out of OCS; shining a seat with my ass in D.C., visiting every dumpy little post- I thought I'd be a colonel by now, or maybe even a general. Sorry, Colonel; what I saw this morning was a dust cloud that cost $70 million. Good morning.
Hall Ah, wait! You know, there's more to Fort Baxter than just R&D, Major. We have an award-winning, Hooah commissary!
CPT Moon Try the chicken casserole!
Hall And our softball team won the division title last year; Sergeant Bilko's platoon is in the Glee Club finals!
Thorn I'll certainly keep that in mind. Did you say Bilko?!
[Visibly bored; boards the helicopter and an aircrewman shuts the door. His eyes open wide and he opens the door, calling out to Hall]
Hall Yes...?
Thorn Is that Ernie Bilko?!
Hall One and the same!
Thorn Maybe I will stay for lunch!
[Gets back out of the helicopter]
Hall Hoo-ah, light up that chicken casserole, Captain Moon!
Moon Yes sir!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Small Soldiers
Debate on Reality of Living Toys
Phil Fimple Is this entire household insane?! He says that toy is alive just because it can move a little? What's next, the ] drops by with a ]
[pointing at Archer; [w:Fairy with Turquoise Hair|Blue Fairy; [w:Talking Cricket|talking cricket?!]
Christy Fimple Dad, he's telling the truth!
Phil Fimple He's brainwashed you, hasn't he? Don't worry, honey. We'll get you the best deprogrammer money can buy.
Slamfist You can't change programming.
[listening in from a shelf]
Marion Fimple Look! Another one...
[still intoxicated]
Alan Abernathy See? I told you they were hiding. It's what they do.
Phil Fimple That's it. Come on, Christy. Timmy, Marion, we're out of here.
Stuart Abernathy Hey, don't be a stranger, Phil.
Irwin Wayfair Hi. Uh, yes, we're with Heartland Play Systems, Consumer Satisfaction. Is there an Alan Abernathy here?
Timmy Fimple That's Alan, right there.
[points at Alan]
Larry Benson How you doing? We understand you acquired some of our fine products.
Irwin Wayfair There's a chance they might be... defective.
Larry Benson But there's no reason to think they could do any harm.
Stuart Abernathy Oh, there's reasons!
Alan Abernathy There is a problem with the Commandos.
Larry Benson Really? What kind of problem? Bear in mind, you will be called into court to support your claim.
Stuart Abernathy YOUR TOYS NEARLY KILLED MY SON!
Irene Abernathy Stuart--
Stuart Abernathy Don't say "calm down"! Calm was killing me. And you! You owe my son an apology!
[to Phil]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Small Soldiers
Concerns Over Chips and Electromagnetic Pulse
Larry Benson Great! All we need now is a nuclear warhead.
Stuart Abernathy I'll check, but I don't think I have one in the junk drawer.
Phil Fimple Nuclear warhead"? What are you talking about?
Larry Benson It's the chips! They're not shielded against an electromagnetic pulse. A nuclear blast would wipe them out.
Irwin Wayfair That's why the military never used them.
Stuart Abernathy Well, what kind of moron would put military technology in toys?
Irwin Wayfair Oh, that would be "Gizmo" over here.
[pointing at Larry]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.