Phil HartmanQuotes

COL John Hall: Major, let me be frank. A negative report from you at this time would be the death knell for Fort Baxter. See, we've been in sort of a slump lately, and I-

MAJ Colin Thorn: Nine years without a single successful test? That's not a slump, Colonel, that's a tradition!

Hall: Look, Major- think for a minute. About the men; their careers! My career.

Thorn: Look, Colonel, you play the hand you're dealt. This isn't exactly the career I had in mind when I got out of OCS; shining a seat with my ass in D.C., visiting every dumpy little post- I thought I'd be a colonel by now, or maybe even a general. Sorry, Colonel; what I saw this morning was a dust cloud that cost $70 million. Good morning.

Hall: Ah, wait! You know, there's more to Fort Baxter than just R&D, Major. We have an award-winning, Hooah commissary!

CPT Moon: Try the chicken casserole!

Hall: And our softball team won the division title last year; Sergeant Bilko's platoon is in the Glee Club finals!

Thorn: [Visibly bored; boards the helicopter and an aircrewman shuts the door. His eyes open wide and he opens the door, calling out to Hall] I'll certainly keep that in mind. Did you say Bilko?!

Hall: Yes...?

Thorn: Is that Ernie Bilko?!

Hall: One and the same!

Thorn: [Gets back out of the helicopter] Maybe I will stay for lunch!

Hall: Hoo-ah, light up that chicken casserole, Captain Moon!

Moon: Yes sir!

Larry Benson: Great! All we need now is a nuclear warhead.

Stuart Abernathy: I'll check, but I don't think I have one in the junk drawer.

Phil Fimple: Nuclear warhead"? What are you talking about?

Larry Benson: It's the chips! They're not shielded against an electromagnetic pulse. A nuclear blast would wipe them out.

Irwin Wayfair: That's why the military never used them.

Stuart Abernathy: Well, what kind of moron would put military technology in toys?

Irwin Wayfair: [pointing at Larry] Oh, that would be "Gizmo" over here.

Phil Fimple: [[w:Gorgonzola|Gorgonzolas] Hi! I'm Phil Fimple. I'm here to negotiate the surrender of the, uh... ]. Now here's our proposal: take them!

Insaniac: [listening from inside; [w:Benedict Arnold|Arnold Benedict!] Hey! He's selling us down the river! The guy's a regular ]

Phil Fimple: [notices speakers covered by a net] I mean, switch em off, take em apart, steal their batteries, whatever it is you... people do. Hey... is that my JVC?!

Chip Hazard: There will be no surrender! There will be no mercy! All Gorgonite scum must die!

Link Static: Yeah! Bomb em all the way back to preschool!

Chip Hazard: Recon estimates Gorgonite scum strength at 16!

Christy Fimple: Sixteen? Where'd they get sixteen from?

Larry Benson: Seven Gorgonites and nine people.

Phil Fimple: [nervously] Well, you heard our proposal...

Stuart Abernathy: [opening the door] Phil, get in here! Hurry!

Chip Hazard: These negotiations are over!

Chip Hazard: We are the Commando Elite! Everything else... is just a toy!

Alan Abernathy: What are they doing?

Irene Abernathy: Psychological warfare.

Christy Fimple: [[w:Manuel Noriega|Noriega] The Marines did this against ].

Marion Fimple: Phil? Phil!

Phil Fimple: What?

Marion Fimple: I love this song!

Phil Fimple: [pointing at Archer; [w:Fairy with Turquoise Hair|Blue Fairy; [w:Talking Cricket|talking cricket?!] Is this entire household insane?! He says that toy is alive just because it can move a little? What's next, the ] drops by with a ]

Christy Fimple: Dad, he's telling the truth!

Phil Fimple: He's brainwashed you, hasn't he? Don't worry, honey. We'll get you the best deprogrammer money can buy.

Slamfist: [listening in from a shelf] You can't change programming.

Marion Fimple: [still intoxicated] Look! Another one...

Alan Abernathy: See? I told you they were hiding. It's what they do.

Phil Fimple: That's it. Come on, Christy. Timmy, Marion, we're out of here.

Stuart Abernathy: Hey, don't be a stranger, Phil.

Irwin Wayfair: Hi. Uh, yes, we're with Heartland Play Systems, Consumer Satisfaction. Is there an Alan Abernathy here?

Timmy Fimple: [points at Alan] That's Alan, right there.

Larry Benson: How you doing? We understand you acquired some of our fine products.

Irwin Wayfair: There's a chance they might be... defective.

Larry Benson: But there's no reason to think they could do any harm.

Stuart Abernathy: Oh, there's reasons!

Alan Abernathy: There is a problem with the Commandos.

Larry Benson: Really? What kind of problem? Bear in mind, you will be called into court to support your claim.

Stuart Abernathy: YOUR TOYS NEARLY KILLED MY SON!

Irene Abernathy: Stuart--

Stuart Abernathy: [to Phil] Don't say "calm down"! Calm was killing me. And you! You owe my son an apology!