Spencer BreslinQuotes

Henry Davis: [Helen lights a cigarette] It's going to be hard to take care of us if you're dead, too.

Lucy: Uncle Scott!

Scott: Lucy, what's happened?

Curtis: I found her locked in a closet.

Scott: What's wrong?

Lucy: You've gotta see what Jack Frost did to my mom and dad.

Scott: It's gonna be okay.

Jack: Ow. Yeah, and?

Scott: [to Jack; sternly] Elficers, I have him. Jack, this isn't funny. Unfreeze the parents right now.

Jack: No way, Claus. I can't unfreeze them without unfreezing myself and that is something I'll never do.

Scott: Mother Nature, help me out here. Can you thaw him out?

Mother Nature: I'm sorry, Santa. Our powers don't work on other legendary figures.

Jack: [chuckles] Isn't that a shame?

Scott: [looks at Lucy and walks to her] What do you say, Luce?

Lucy: Do you think it'll work?

Scott: The question is, do you?

Jack: [Lucy hugs him; starts heating up; purrs; translation: Miguel, two plates of nachos, please?] Okay. This is what you're reduced to. Sending a little girl in to save the day? Whatcha gonna do, adorable-ize me? Sweet me into submission? Cute me to death? Make me change my WAY-?! Hey, I feel so strange. I feel so slushy inside. Do I smell suntan lotion? I feel so tropical. Miguel, dos platos de nachos, por favor? What's happening to me?!

Lucy: I'm warming your heart.

Jack: But they told me it couldn't be done.

Lucy: But they didn't know about magical hugs.

Jack: [smiles; sincerely] I think I like it.

Lucy: Mom, Dad!

Laura: Lucy!

Neil: [everyone joins in for a group hug] Group hug! Feel the love.

Laura: Yes.

Carol: [the baby is about to be born] Oh, Scott, I think it's time.

Scott: [checks his watch, not noticing] Oh, about 10:00.

Carol: I think it's time to deliver "the package".

Scott: [obliviously] Midnight as usual.

Carol: [Scott looks down at Carol's abdomen, then suddenly raises his head and widens his eyes in slightly alarmed realization] No, I think it's time to deliver "the package". Yeah.

Scott: [finally understanding what Carol meant; he and the elves pushed Carol on a sled to the hospital in full speed] IT'S TIME TO DELIVER THE PACKAAAAAAGE!! Baby's on the way!

Curtis: [taps on Scott's shoulder] Excuse me, sir.

Scott: [turns around; surprised] Curtis!

Curtis: Yes, sir. Can I offer you two tickets for a turn to build a toy with Santa's elves?

Scott: No.

Curtis: Plus, I'll throw in this year's commemorative pen.

Scott: What is that?

Curtis: [records his voice on the pen; plays back his recording] Which is voice-enhanced. Will that be cash or credit card, sir?

Recorded voice of Curtis: Will that be cash or credit card, sir?

Scott: That's silly.

Curtis: And if you're still not sure, I'll even throw in a pass for the nice list.

Scott: The nice list?

Curtis: Walk with me, won't you?

Scott: [sees the nice list kiosk] Curtis, it's me. Oh, for the love of candy canes. What have you done here?

Curtis: Well, sir, this is a nice list kiosk. The line ends over there by the reindeer petting zoo.

Scott: [stammering] Wait a minute? You mean parents pay to have their kids put on the nice list? That's not right. I better change things back the way they were. Who's your boss? Where's Frost? Curtis, where's Frost?!

Curtis: Security!

Scott: Bring Frost out here right now!

Jack: [offscreen; appears as Santa] I'll take care of him. Nice to see you, mon frère. I've been waiting. Has it been 12 years already?

Scott: Frost. What have you done?

Jack: Hey. Easy does it, Armani man. No "hello"? Love what you've done with the place?

Scott: Hey, Frost. Frost, what about the secret of Santa? How could you do this to the North Pole?

Jack: The whole thing is way too much work, way too much pressure. Besides, no one even thanks you for all the effort.

Scott: What do you mean no thank yous? What about all the plates of cookies and the milk?

Jack: [chuckles; deep breath] Please, I'm cleansing. So I stopped the whole toy delivery nonsense, and I brought anyone who could afford to pay right up here. Who needs magic? Who needs to be crawling on roofs and chimneys? I got everything I need right here.

Scott: Look around you. This is not how the North Pole is supposed to be. You know this is wrong.

Jack: [sighs and pulls out a commemorative pen] Why don't you chill out and enjoy the swag, huh?

Scott: [takes the pen] This junk is not what Christmas is about.

Jack: Hey. You're the one who gave it all up.

Scott: Because you tricked me.

Jack: Tricked you? Give me a break.

Scott: I didn't know you had my snow globe.

Jack: Maybe not, but who said, "I wish I'd never been Santa at all"?

Scott: [an idea came to him; surreptitiously turns on the commemorative pen] What?

Jack: [a trifle impatiently] I said, "Who said I wish I'd never been Santa at all'?" Rudolph? Rudolph's... mama?

Scott: Frost, switch back with me. Now's your chance.

Jack: [to the security guard] And this is your chance to enjoy the show. Security.

Security Guard: Yes, sir.

Jack: Take my guest to his seat, won't you? Thanks so much.

Security Guard: [to Scott] Come on, let's go.

Curtis: Sir! Sir!

Scott: Curtis, stop. If you're gonna tell me that the entire facility is ruined, and Christmas is tomorrow, and for the first time in history, all the kids in the world won't get their gifts because I failed them, stop it. I can't handle one more piece of bad news.

Curtis: Well, then, good news, sir.

Scott: What?

Curtis: Your pants are on fire.

Laura: [amazed] Magnificent.

Neil: It's amazing.

Lucy: Killer!

Curtis: [runs in after them] Now, please remember, you're welcome to observe, but don't touch anything or otherwise interfere with the toymaking process.

Neil: I'll make sure she doesn't get into anything.

Lucy: [runs down into the workshop] Look! Kobi the Magic Panda and accessories!

Neil: [chases her; stops himself; runs down into the workshop] Lucy! Lucy, come back here. Whoa! Trains.

Laura: [to Curtis; runs down into the workshop] I'm... I'm just gonna go to make a doll!

Scott: [having an idea] Hahaha-hohohoho! The answer is in the question. "How are we going to do this? My Dad thinks you're a toymaker in Canada.

Curtis: [confused] Canada?

Scott: Canada. It's north, in North America, eh? Vinegar on their French fries, they sit on their chesterfield to watch the hockey game. Shoot the puck, daddy-o! Come on, everybody! Elves, everybody listen up! Grab your hammers, the in-laws are coming!

Scott: BABY CLAUS IS ON THE WAY! Ladies, keep up! Please, hot water and hot ointments. You, think sugar plums. Do not panic! Do not panic! Curtis, the baby's coming!

Curtis: Cocoa, the baby's coming!

Cocoa: Mrs Claus, the baby's coming!

Carol: I KNOW!!!

Bernard: Okay, Chet. This is it. You ready to rock and roll?

Carol: Chet?

Bernard: Yeah. He's still in training.

Scott: How much flight time has he had?

Bernard: About a minute-and-a-half.

Curtis: Hey, but he's had a lot of crash time.

Scott: [sternly] Curtis.

Curtis: He's just a baby.

Curtis: The toy Santa's gone completely out of control. He's locked up the elves, shut down the workshop, he thinks everybody's naughty, and he's gonna give the whole world COAL!

Scott: Well, how come Bernard didn't come down and tell me this?

Curtis: He's under house arrest.

Scott: [shocked] Bernard?

Curtis: Yeah. You've gotta fly back with me to the North Pole to save Christmas!

Scott: [shows Curtis the watch, which the handle had gone down to zero] I can't. I have no magic left. I'm out of magic, look.

Curtis: [grunts angrily] I thought you had Comet.

Scott: Yeah, we--

Curtis: [smiling] Ah?

Scott: [realizing; cut outside to the backyard; sees Comet is lying on the ground, morbidly obese; Comet groans sickly; Comet grunts; Comet grunts] Yes! Come on! Hey, Comet. We just-- Comet? Comet? Look at me. Look at me. Comet. What are ya doin'? You're not supposed to eat sugar. It's bad for you. What do you mean, you didn't eat this? Who did?

Comet: [grunting] A squirrel.

Scott: A squirrel?

Comet: [grunting] Yeah.

Scott: Yeah, well, get this. You gotta fly both of us back to the North Pole.

Scott: [Comet groans; tries to lift Comet, but fails; Comet strains; notices something; to Curtis; Comet farts and sighs in relief; digusted] Yeah, tonight. Okay. I'll help you up. All right? Ready? You've got to help me a little here. Good. Good. Okay, we almost got it. That's okay. That's okay. Okay, now, help me here. Can ya move anything? Fire in the hole! Get away! Whoa! Eat some roughage, will you? All right. Ooh, well, what about the jet pack?

Curtis: It kinda burned up on reentry.

Lucy: Are you an elf?

Curtis: No, of course not. Why would you ask such a silly question?

Lucy: How come you have pointy ears?

Curtis: [leans closer] It's because I never ate my green vegetables. Do you eat your green vegetables?

Lucy: [feels her ears; worried] Uncle Scott!

Toy Santa: [wearing an admiral uniform; the elves stopped working] Can I have your attention? Stop the work, please. Everybody, stop the work. Merry Christmas! That's nice. I have a little announcement to make. From this moment forward, we're not gonna make any more toys.

Elves: [confused] What? Huh?

Toy Santa: The children of the world don't deserve these presents. They're running rampant with naughtiness. So, for this Christmas, we're gonna give these greedy, selfish little kids exactly what they deserve. A beautiful, high-quality, yet-low sulfur variety of coal!

Elves: [shocked] Coal?!

Toy Santa: Quiet!

Elf: [to the other elves] We can't give them coal.

Toy Santa: [an elf hands him a horn; chuckles; blows the horn to summon the human-sized wooden toy soldiers, surrounding the elves] We have to focus, all of us, on the goals ahead. And just to make sure that happens. Thank you, sweetie. I-- I hate to blow my own horn.

Bernard: Stay where you are! Don't be afraid!

Curtis: Back! Back, back, back!

Toy Santa: I was up late, couldn't sleep. Milk wouldn't do it, cocoa was a little sweet, so I decided to make my own army of toy soldiers. They don't have a good sense of humor like me. I would do what they ask you, which is pretty much what I'm going to tell you!

Bernard: [can't handle the lies] Don't listen to him! This guy's not Santa!

Elf: Not Santa?!

Bernard: [while being held hostage by the toy soldiers] He's a toy! He has a rubber face, and a plastic tushy! Ohh! Trust me! Don't let him ruin Christmas!

Toy Santa: [sarcastically; The coal tumbles on the conveyer belts] Thank you for those kind words, Bernard. Well, now that we all have an understanding...have a...a joyous and merry Christmas! Merry Christmas!

Curtis: Well, I think he's learning at an excellent rate.

Bernard: Oh, really?

Curtis: Yeah.

Bernard: This morning, he ate a bowl of waxed fruit.

Toy Santa: [while reading the contents of handbook of rules] Wait a minute. I need the naughty-and-nice list.

Bernard: No.

Toy Santa: Oh, yes, yes. It says I'm supposed to check it twice.

Bernard: Santa already checked it.

Toy Santa: No, I didn't.

Bernard: The real Santa.

Toy Santa: I am the real Santa.

Bernard: I'm sorry?

Toy Santa: I'm in charge here.

Bernard: What?

Toy Santa: I'm supposed check the list twice. That's the rule. I like the rules. I think you're aware of how I feel about that.

Bernard: I think you're misunderstanding something.

Toy Santa: No, no, I'm a rule maker. I like the rules. Santa likes the rules.

Scott: That's weird, isn't it?

Puppets: Uh-oh!

Scott: These fit yesterday, didn't they?

Abby: Hot cocoa for you, Santa.

Bernard: This is not a good time, Abby.

Abby: I sent Dasher down for some Brazilian cocoa beans.

Scott: What's the bad news?

Abby: [smiling] What do you mean?

Scott: [Abby's smile fades, and she gives him the naughty-and-nice list] Whenever you play the designer bean card, generally, you have bad news. What are you doin with the naughty-and-nice list?

Abby: [Scott opens the naughty-and-nice list] Just don't shoot the messenger. It's...Charlie.

Scott: [[w:Charlie Sheen|Sheen] ]? I thought he straightened out.

Abby: Not that Charlie.

Scott: [realizes] My Charlie? My son, Charlie? He's on the naughty list?

Puppets: [shocked; hide] AAAAAAH!!!!

Scott: This is - There's gotta be a mistake.

Abby: [leaves] We don't make mistakes. I'm sorry, Santa. Please excuse me.

Scott: Well, how could this happen? Is this what you and Curtis were trying to tell me?

Curtis: Great! You told him! Good! Let's get you dressed for that meeting.

Scott: I-I can't have the meeting here, I really can't. I'm gonna have to see Charlie.

Bernard: [to Curtis] Number two, tell him now.

Scott: Tell me what, guys? Come on. Come clean now.

Curtis: Santa, there's a clause.

Scott: Yeah, and that would be me.

Curtis: No, I mean there's another Santa clause.

Scott: Curtis, in case you haven't noticed, this time of year, the malls are filled with other "Santa Clauses".

Curtis: Yes, but there's another Santa clause. There was a first clause, but also a second clause.

Puppets: Get on with it!

Curtis: When the last Santa Claus fell off your roof and you put on his coat, you found this.

Scott: Right. "He who wears the coat takes on the responsibilities of Santa Claus..." Something like that, and of course, the rest would be history, right?

Bernard: But it seems our number two elf, the "keeper of the handbook", overlooked the single, MOST IMPORTANT DETAIL in the history of Christmas!

Curtis: Wow. One mistake in 900 years.

Bernard: Look.

Scott: I-I can't see that.

Bernard: Better now?

Scott: Uh--

Bernard: Or now?

Bernard: Better now?

Scott: It's gettin there.

Bernard: Or now?

Scott: [Bernard flips a big magnifying glass up; realizes] I can't see anything. I see. Good, good, good. I see it. Okay. Well, uh, "The card holder acknowledges a woman of his choosing. True Love...Not valid in," uh, "state of Utah. Holy... matrimony"?! I gotta get married!

Bernard: Yes, It's...the Mrs. Clause.

Scott: [starts getting thinner] What if I don't want to get married?

Curtis: Oh, dear. THE DE-SANTAFICATION PROCESS HAS BEGUN!

Scott: [sighs; worried about Christmas magic fading] The de-Santafication? Are you telling me that in that clause, it says that if I don't get married...I don't get to be Santa anymore? Wh-- What about the kids? Wh-- What about the elves? And w-- What about you guys?

Bernard: It's not completely hopeless, sir. You still have time to find a wife.

Scott: Right. Well, how much time do I have, Curtis?

Curtis: 28 days.

Scott: 28 days. So I've gotta find a wife by Christmas.

Curtis: Actually, Christmas Eve.

Scott: I guess it's over.

Curtis: [the puppets sigh sadly. Suddenly, Santa's beard shrinks, and the puppets shout in shock; surprised] No! You can't think that way! Please, don't give up hope. Cause if you do...then we have to. Whoa.

Scott: Christmas is getting very complicated.