Memorable Quotes from Spencer Breslin
13 quotesToy Santa's Chaos and Bernard's Absence
Curtis
The toy Santa's gone completely out of control. He's locked up the elves, shut down the workshop, he thinks everybody's naughty, and he's gonna give the whole world COAL!
Scott
Well, how come Bernard didn't come down and tell me this?
Curtis
He's under house arrest.
Scott
Bernard?
[shocked]
Curtis
Yeah. You've gotta fly back with me to the North Pole to save Christmas!
Scott
I can't. I have no magic left. I'm out of magic, look.
[shows Curtis the watch, which the handle had gone down to zero]
Curtis
I thought you had Comet.
[grunts angrily]
Scott
Yeah, we--
Curtis
Ah?
[smiling]
Scott
Yes! Come on! Hey, Comet. We just-- Comet? Comet? Look at me. Look at me. Comet. What are ya doin'? You're not supposed to eat sugar. It's bad for you. What do you mean, you didn't eat this? Who did?
[realizing; cut outside to the backyard; sees Comet is lying on the ground, morbidly obese; Comet groans sickly; Comet grunts; Comet grunts]
Comet
A squirrel.
[grunting]
Scott
A squirrel?
Comet
Yeah.
[grunting]
Scott
Yeah, well, get this. You gotta fly both of us back to the North Pole.
Scott
Yeah, tonight. Okay. I'll help you up. All right? Ready? You've got to help me a little here. Good. Good. Okay, we almost got it. That's okay. That's okay. Okay, now, help me here. Can ya move anything? Fire in the hole! Get away! Whoa! Eat some roughage, will you? All right. Ooh, well, what about the jet pack?
[Comet groans; tries to lift Comet, but fails; Comet strains; notices something; to Curtis; Comet farts and sighs in relief; digusted]
Curtis
It kinda burned up on reentry.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Curious Child Questions Elf's Appearance
Lucy
Are you an elf?
Curtis
No, of course not. Why would you ask such a silly question?
Lucy
How come you have pointy ears?
Curtis
It's because I never ate my green vegetables. Do you eat your green vegetables?
[leans closer]
Lucy
Uncle Scott!
[feels her ears; worried]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Santa's Elves Prepare for Family Visit
Scott
Hahaha-hohohoho! The answer is in the question. "How are we going to do this? My Dad thinks you're a toymaker in Canada.
[having an idea]
Curtis
Canada?
[confused]
Scott
Canada. It's north, in North America, eh? Vinegar on their French fries, they sit on their chesterfield to watch the hockey game. Shoot the puck, daddy-o! Come on, everybody! Elves, everybody listen up! Grab your hammers, the in-laws are coming!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Toy Santa Declares No More Toys This Christmas
Toy Santa
Can I have your attention? Stop the work, please. Everybody, stop the work. Merry Christmas! That's nice. I have a little announcement to make. From this moment forward, we're not gonna make any more toys.
[wearing an admiral uniform; the elves stopped working]
Elves
What? Huh?
[confused]
Toy Santa
The children of the world don't deserve these presents. They're running rampant with naughtiness. So, for this Christmas, we're gonna give these greedy, selfish little kids exactly what they deserve. A beautiful, high-quality, yet-low sulfur variety of coal!
Elves
Coal?!
[shocked]
Toy Santa
Quiet!
Elf
We can't give them coal.
[to the other elves]
Toy Santa
We have to focus, all of us, on the goals ahead. And just to make sure that happens. Thank you, sweetie. I-- I hate to blow my own horn.
[an elf hands him a horn; chuckles; blows the horn to summon the human-sized wooden toy soldiers, surrounding the elves]
Bernard
Stay where you are! Don't be afraid!
Curtis
Back! Back, back, back!
Toy Santa
I was up late, couldn't sleep. Milk wouldn't do it, cocoa was a little sweet, so I decided to make my own army of toy soldiers. They don't have a good sense of humor like me. I would do what they ask you, which is pretty much what I'm going to tell you!
Bernard
Don't listen to him! This guy's not Santa!
[can't handle the lies]
Elf
Not Santa?!
Bernard
He's a toy! He has a rubber face, and a plastic tushy! Ohh! Trust me! Don't let him ruin Christmas!
[while being held hostage by the toy soldiers]
Toy Santa
Thank you for those kind words, Bernard. Well, now that we all have an understanding...have a...a joyous and merry Christmas! Merry Christmas!
[sarcastically; The coal tumbles on the conveyer belts]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Observing the Toymaking Process
Laura
Magnificent.
[amazed]
Neil
It's amazing.
Lucy
Killer!
Curtis
Now, please remember, you're welcome to observe, but don't touch anything or otherwise interfere with the toymaking process.
[runs in after them]
Neil
I'll make sure she doesn't get into anything.
Lucy
Look! Kobi the Magic Panda and accessories!
[runs down into the workshop]
Neil
Lucy! Lucy, come back here. Whoa! Trains.
[chases her; stops himself; runs down into the workshop]
Laura
I'm... I'm just gonna go to make a doll!
[to Curtis; runs down into the workshop]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Handling Bad News Amid Christmas Pressure
Curtis
Sir! Sir!
Scott
Curtis, stop. If you're gonna tell me that the entire facility is ruined, and Christmas is tomorrow, and for the first time in history, all the kids in the world won't get their gifts because I failed them, stop it. I can't handle one more piece of bad news.
Curtis
Well, then, good news, sir.
Scott
What?
Curtis
Your pants are on fire.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Learning Progress with Unusual Choices
Curtis
Well, I think he's learning at an excellent rate.
Bernard
Oh, really?
Curtis
Yeah.
Bernard
This morning, he ate a bowl of waxed fruit.
Toy Santa
Wait a minute. I need the naughty-and-nice list.
[while reading the contents of handbook of rules]
Bernard
No.
Toy Santa
Oh, yes, yes. It says I'm supposed to check it twice.
Bernard
Santa already checked it.
Toy Santa
No, I didn't.
Bernard
The real Santa.
Toy Santa
I am the real Santa.
Bernard
I'm sorry?
Toy Santa
I'm in charge here.
Bernard
What?
Toy Santa
I'm supposed check the list twice. That's the rule. I like the rules. I think you're aware of how I feel about that.
Bernard
I think you're misunderstanding something.
Toy Santa
No, no, I'm a rule maker. I like the rules. Santa likes the rules.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Moments in Santa's Workshop
Scott
That's weird, isn't it?
Puppets
Uh-oh!
Scott
These fit yesterday, didn't they?
Abby
Hot cocoa for you, Santa.
Bernard
This is not a good time, Abby.
Abby
I sent Dasher down for some Brazilian cocoa beans.
Scott
What's the bad news?
Abby
What do you mean?
[smiling]
Scott
Whenever you play the designer bean card, generally, you have bad news. What are you doin with the naughty-and-nice list?
[Abby's smile fades, and she gives him the naughty-and-nice list]
Abby
Just don't shoot the messenger. It's...Charlie.
[Scott opens the naughty-and-nice list]
Scott
]? I thought he straightened out.
[[w:Charlie Sheen|Sheen]
Abby
Not that Charlie.
Scott
My Charlie? My son, Charlie? He's on the naughty list?
[realizes]
Puppets
AAAAAAH!!!!
[shocked; hide]
Scott
This is - There's gotta be a mistake.
Abby
We don't make mistakes. I'm sorry, Santa. Please excuse me.
[leaves]
Scott
Well, how could this happen? Is this what you and Curtis were trying to tell me?
Curtis
Great! You told him! Good! Let's get you dressed for that meeting.
Scott
I-I can't have the meeting here, I really can't. I'm gonna have to see Charlie.
Bernard
Number two, tell him now.
[to Curtis]
Scott
Tell me what, guys? Come on. Come clean now.
Curtis
Santa, there's a clause.
Scott
Yeah, and that would be me.
Curtis
No, I mean there's another Santa clause.
Scott
Curtis, in case you haven't noticed, this time of year, the malls are filled with other "Santa Clauses".
Curtis
Yes, but there's another Santa clause. There was a first clause, but also a second clause.
Puppets
Get on with it!
Curtis
When the last Santa Claus fell off your roof and you put on his coat, you found this.
Scott
Right. "He who wears the coat takes on the responsibilities of Santa Claus..." Something like that, and of course, the rest would be history, right?
Bernard
But it seems our number two elf, the "keeper of the handbook", overlooked the single, MOST IMPORTANT DETAIL in the history of Christmas!
Curtis
Wow. One mistake in 900 years.
Bernard
Look.
Scott
I-I can't see that.
Bernard
Better now?
Scott
Uh--
Bernard
Or now?
Bernard
Better now?
Scott
It's gettin there.
Bernard
Or now?
Scott
I can't see anything. I see. Good, good, good. I see it. Okay. Well, uh, "The card holder acknowledges a woman of his choosing. True Love...Not valid in," uh, "state of Utah. Holy... matrimony"?! I gotta get married!
[Bernard flips a big magnifying glass up; realizes]
Bernard
Yes, It's...the Mrs. Clause.
Scott
What if I don't want to get married?
[starts getting thinner]
Curtis
Oh, dear. THE DE-SANTAFICATION PROCESS HAS BEGUN!
Scott
The de-Santafication? Are you telling me that in that clause, it says that if I don't get married...I don't get to be Santa anymore? Wh-- What about the kids? Wh-- What about the elves? And w-- What about you guys?
[sighs; worried about Christmas magic fading]
Bernard
It's not completely hopeless, sir. You still have time to find a wife.
Scott
Right. Well, how much time do I have, Curtis?
Curtis
28 days.
Scott
28 days. So I've gotta find a wife by Christmas.
Curtis
Actually, Christmas Eve.
Scott
I guess it's over.
Curtis
No! You can't think that way! Please, don't give up hope. Cause if you do...then we have to. Whoa.
[the puppets sigh sadly. Suddenly, Santa's beard shrinks, and the puppets shout in shock; surprised]
Scott
Christmas is getting very complicated.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Importance of Self-Care in Responsibility
Henry Davis
It's going to be hard to take care of us if you're dead, too.
[Helen lights a cigarette]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Excitement Builds for Baby Claus Arrival
Scott
BABY CLAUS IS ON THE WAY! Ladies, keep up! Please, hot water and hot ointments. You, think sugar plums. Do not panic! Do not panic! Curtis, the baby's coming!
Curtis
Cocoa, the baby's coming!
Cocoa
Mrs Claus, the baby's coming!
Carol
I KNOW!!!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Training for a New Role in Christmas
Bernard
Okay, Chet. This is it. You ready to rock and roll?
Carol
Chet?
Bernard
Yeah. He's still in training.
Scott
How much flight time has he had?
Bernard
About a minute-and-a-half.
Curtis
Hey, but he's had a lot of crash time.
Scott
Curtis.
[sternly]
Curtis
He's just a baby.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Disappointing Offer from Santa's Helper
Curtis
Excuse me, sir.
[taps on Scott's shoulder]
Scott
Curtis!
[turns around; surprised]
Curtis
Yes, sir. Can I offer you two tickets for a turn to build a toy with Santa's elves?
Scott
No.
Curtis
Plus, I'll throw in this year's commemorative pen.
Scott
What is that?
Curtis
Which is voice-enhanced. Will that be cash or credit card, sir?
[records his voice on the pen; plays back his recording]
Recorded voice of Curtis
Will that be cash or credit card, sir?
Scott
That's silly.
Curtis
And if you're still not sure, I'll even throw in a pass for the nice list.
Scott
The nice list?
Curtis
Walk with me, won't you?
Scott
Curtis, it's me. Oh, for the love of candy canes. What have you done here?
[sees the nice list kiosk]
Curtis
Well, sir, this is a nice list kiosk. The line ends over there by the reindeer petting zoo.
Scott
Wait a minute? You mean parents pay to have their kids put on the nice list? That's not right. I better change things back the way they were. Who's your boss? Where's Frost? Curtis, where's Frost?!
[stammering]
Curtis
Security!
Scott
Bring Frost out here right now!
Jack
I'll take care of him. Nice to see you, mon frère. I've been waiting. Has it been 12 years already?
[offscreen; appears as Santa]
Scott
Frost. What have you done?
Jack
Hey. Easy does it, Armani man. No "hello"? Love what you've done with the place?
Scott
Hey, Frost. Frost, what about the secret of Santa? How could you do this to the North Pole?
Jack
The whole thing is way too much work, way too much pressure. Besides, no one even thanks you for all the effort.
Scott
What do you mean no thank yous? What about all the plates of cookies and the milk?
Jack
Please, I'm cleansing. So I stopped the whole toy delivery nonsense, and I brought anyone who could afford to pay right up here. Who needs magic? Who needs to be crawling on roofs and chimneys? I got everything I need right here.
[chuckles; deep breath]
Scott
Look around you. This is not how the North Pole is supposed to be. You know this is wrong.
Jack
Why don't you chill out and enjoy the swag, huh?
[sighs and pulls out a commemorative pen]
Scott
This junk is not what Christmas is about.
[takes the pen]
Jack
Hey. You're the one who gave it all up.
Scott
Because you tricked me.
Jack
Tricked you? Give me a break.
Scott
I didn't know you had my snow globe.
Jack
Maybe not, but who said, "I wish I'd never been Santa at all"?
Scott
What?
[an idea came to him; surreptitiously turns on the commemorative pen]
Jack
I said, "Who said I wish I'd never been Santa at all'?" Rudolph? Rudolph's... mama?
[a trifle impatiently]
Scott
Frost, switch back with me. Now's your chance.
Jack
And this is your chance to enjoy the show. Security.
[to the security guard]
Security Guard
Yes, sir.
Jack
Take my guest to his seat, won't you? Thanks so much.
Security Guard
Come on, let's go.
[to Scott]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Family Crisis Unfolds in a Closet
Lucy
Uncle Scott!
Scott
Lucy, what's happened?
Curtis
I found her locked in a closet.
Scott
What's wrong?
Lucy
You've gotta see what Jack Frost did to my mom and dad.
Scott
It's gonna be okay.
Jack
Ow. Yeah, and?
Scott
Elficers, I have him. Jack, this isn't funny. Unfreeze the parents right now.
[to Jack; sternly]
Jack
No way, Claus. I can't unfreeze them without unfreezing myself and that is something I'll never do.
Scott
Mother Nature, help me out here. Can you thaw him out?
Mother Nature
I'm sorry, Santa. Our powers don't work on other legendary figures.
Jack
Isn't that a shame?
[chuckles]
Scott
What do you say, Luce?
[looks at Lucy and walks to her]
Lucy
Do you think it'll work?
Scott
The question is, do you?
Jack
Okay. This is what you're reduced to. Sending a little girl in to save the day? Whatcha gonna do, adorable-ize me? Sweet me into submission? Cute me to death? Make me change my WAY-?! Hey, I feel so strange. I feel so slushy inside. Do I smell suntan lotion? I feel so tropical. Miguel, dos platos de nachos, por favor? What's happening to me?!
[Lucy hugs him; starts heating up; purrs; translation: Miguel, two plates of nachos, please?]
Lucy
I'm warming your heart.
Jack
But they told me it couldn't be done.
Lucy
But they didn't know about magical hugs.
Jack
I think I like it.
[smiles; sincerely]
Lucy
Mom, Dad!
Laura
Lucy!
Neil
Group hug! Feel the love.
[everyone joins in for a group hug]
Laura
Yes.
Carol
Oh, Scott, I think it's time.
[the baby is about to be born]
Scott
Oh, about 10:00.
[checks his watch, not noticing]
Carol
I think it's time to deliver "the package".
Scott
Midnight as usual.
[obliviously]
Carol
No, I think it's time to deliver "the package". Yeah.
[Scott looks down at Carol's abdomen, then suddenly raises his head and widens his eyes in slightly alarmed realization]
Scott
IT'S TIME TO DELIVER THE PACKAAAAAAGE!! Baby's on the way!
[finally understanding what Carol meant; he and the elves pushed Carol on a sled to the hospital in full speed]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.