Steve ZahnQuotes

Hank Rafferty: [''A tall woman is holding Earl up with one hand''; ''Woman looks at him quizzically''] Okay, put him down. In a minute or, two. Don't hurry.

Hank Rafferty: I know baby. But I promise you. My life is already pretty much figured out.

Hank Rafferty: I had a partner! I would have taken a bullet for him! You I'm having a hard time not shooting!

Adam Penenberg: But there is one thing in this story that checks out.

Kambiz Foroohar: What's that?

Adam Penenberg: There does appear to be a state in the union named Nevada.

Bad Ape: [confused] What?

Bad Ape: [realizing; Maurice growls, causing Bad Ape to silence himself] Oh, no. Oh no! Oh No! No, no nonono- Okay.

Bad Ape: I see you look at her just now. Look sad. You have child?

Caesar: One. The other was killed by human.

Bad Ape: Soldier?

Bad Ape: I... had child.

Bad Ape: Oh no! Why so small?

Bad Ape: Human get sick. Ape get smart. Then human kill ape. But not me. I run.

Maurice "Snoopy" Miller: Glenn, I know you are supposed to be cool and everything but you don't got to give me no tone of voice. You don't like what I'm saying, you just bounce the fuck up out of this whip anywhere along up in here man.

Glenn Michaels: OK, I think we are forgetting this is my whip. I brought you up here.

Maurice "Snoopy" Miller: Shit, come on, Glenn, if I say this my car you know this my car, you just get yourself another one. If I say we in on this Ripley shit, we in on it, with or without your punk ass. If I say you gonna walk up in this house and do this motherfucker, so I can see if you got any balls or not, guess what else you gonna do. Tighten up your panties, boy.

Mr. Freeman: In here is a piece of paper and on that piece of paper is a word. You are gonna spend the rest of the year turning that object into art.

Ivy: Uh, Mr Freeman? When I was little I was really scared of clowns and I don't wanna relapse and have to go back into therapy.

Mr. Freeman: Oh yeah, well, fear is a great place to begin art.

Melinda: I learned how to draw a tree in like the 2nd grade.

Mr. Freeman: Oh really? Um. Well, do you wanna show me? It's OK. I won't grade you.

Mr. Freeman: That's a pretty good start. Yeah, let's see what it looks like at the end of the year.

Mr. Freeman: [holds up a smashed globe] Can anybody tell me what this is?

Ivy: A globe?

Mr. Freeman: A Globe? Gosh... What're you guys? 13? 14? You already let them beat the creativity outta you?... It's ok. I used to let my daughters kick this around my studio when it was too wet to play outside. And one day Jenny put her foot right through Texas and the entire United States crumbled into the sea. I mean, you could, you could paint a wet muzzled dog... chewing Alaska! The possibilities are endless. It's almost too much but you all are important enough to give it too.

Mr. Freeman: [describing a painting] It's night in Venice. This is the color of an accountant's soul - a love rejected. This, I once grew mold on an orange this color when I was living in Boston. And these are various members of the school board. You see, if something's eating at you, you gotta find a way to use it.

Mr. Freeman: You need to visit the mind of the great one. Picasso, who saw the truth. Who painted the truth. Who ripped it from the earth with two angry hands.

Mr. Freeman: Hi everybody! Welcome to Art. The only class that will teach you how to survive. This is where you can find your soul, if you dare. Don't ask me to show you how to draw a face. Ask me to help you find the wind.

Frank Heffley: You know what my grandpa always used to say? "A man who never made a mistake never made anything. The trick is to be responsible and to learn from your mistakes." And you can do that. You're a really great kid, Greg. And I'm not just saying that because we're a lot alike.

Frank Heffley: Hey, what is that? A store-bought s'mores maker? A TV?! Pre-tied knots?! Stan, you're a phony! So much for the big camper.

Mr. Broccoli: [claps twice; starts shouting and dancing while The Message by Grand-Master Flash plays] B-R-O-CC-O-L-I! I am the broccoli, and don't know why! C-A-RR-O and a T! Carrots are healthy for you and me! Go broccoli! It's yo birthday! Go broccoli! It's yo birthday! Go carrot! Go carrot! Go carrot...

Marvin: [timid] No, I don't wanna....

Mr. Broccoli: Hello, boys and girls! Zowie, do we have a special treat for you today!

Marvin: [reading off of flashcards that he's holding in his hand; drops the flashcards; tries to bend over to get his cards; falls over onto his face; struggling to get up off the floor] Hey! We have a brand-new cereal! You're the first kids- Help!

Mr. Broccoli: [decides to stand in for Marvin; pretends to blow smoke off the barrel of some finger guns] It's super yummy and LOADED... with all sorts of stuff that's good for you! And do you know what we call it? VEGGIE-OOOOOOOOOS!!!

Kid: THIS CEREAL SUCKS!!

Phil: They're turning on us...

Charlie: Give it a chance, let them get it in their mouths...They gotta taste it.

Kid: [throwing a bowl of Veggie-Os at the one-way mirror] TAKE THAT!

Marvin: HELP ME, CHARLIE!!!

Mr. Broccoli: Not in the Face! SAVE YOURSELF, CARROT!!!

Charlie: Call security now - OH, SH - OH! HEY! STOP THAT!

Charlie: What's going on?

Phil: Your worst nightmare.

Charlie: What?

Phil: Mr. Broccoli's a no-show.

Actor: He got a callback for a potato chip commercial.

Charlie: These snack foods are killing us!

Phil: Yeah, I know...

Charlie: [looks around for a replacement for Mr. Broccoli, his eyes land on Marvin, a nerdy outcast who's pilfering through the mail] Marvin!

Marvin: Yeah?

Phil: [to Charlie] Marvin? The guy who smells the mail?

Charlie: [quietly to Phil; loudly] Yes, look; we need a guy who can wear a broccoli suit, not a normal person. Marvin, my man! My friend Marvin! Hey man, what's going on today? Listen, we need a favor: We're having a little focus group in there and the guy who's supposed to wear the broccoli suit left, so you can put the suit on and cover for us.

Marvin: [notices the guy in the carrot suit] No...I just can't do the broccoli, cause it's just not me. Sorry... Hey, can I be the carrot, though?

Charlie: Yeah...Yeah, you can be the carrot! Let him try the carrot on!

Actor: No!

Charlie: You're gonna be the broccoli!

Actor: I don't wanna be the bush!

Charlie: It's not a bush, it's a stalk of broccoli! It's a strong stalk of broccoli!

Actor: [considering] I'm pretty strong...

Charlie: Yeah, you can make that work! Let's go in here and you go switch this suit on and get the broccoli! Trust me on this thing, let's go!

Marvin: [throws down his magazine] THIS STUFF - IS NOT FOR SALE!

Marvin: [after realizing that he has painted glue on his face instead of face paint; screams in horror along with Jamie] That's not paint! It's glue!

Marvin: [seeing Tony's discarded Flash costume on the floor] OH MY GOD, THEY VAPORIZED HIM!!!

Dr. Sevard: You don't know what the drugs are. He's got HIV...

Tucker: [surprised] Woodruff?

Ron Woodroof: AIDS... I got AIDS. Won't you come in, join the party.

Al Giordino: [laughing, to Dirk] I was thinking about the funny part. Here we are, oceanographers and we're gonna probably die in the desert, chained-chained to truck parts... So when they write our obituaries... that'll be the funny part.

Al Giordino: [about his tie] Hey, I can't remember how this works... something about a fox and a rabbit... it's really bugging me.

Al Giordino: [about Batine's sarcophagus] Hey Dirk, get your butt up here, so we could scrape some of the crap off this thing.

Al Giordino: [seeing the Confederate gold] Jefferson Davis had how many samples made?

Al Giordino: [in the stolen car, being chased by a chopper] It's Kazim! Hey, maybe he wants his car back?

Al Giordino: I am so tired of being shot at!

Al Giordino: [when Tuaregs surround him] Hi! How are ya?