Teri GarrQuotes

Bobbie Landers: [[God; [care; [religion]   Oh, ] "doesn't ] about ]"?

Jerry Landers:   Well, that's what He said.

Bobbie Landers: [[people; [blessed; [children] I went to empty the garbage and two ] ] me. And then one of them blessed the garbage. And then he asked me if our ] were conceived immaculately.

Alex: [about Ron's house] Wow, what a house!

Jack: Yeah, probably mortgaged to the eyeballs.

Caroline: Not this one, his great grandfather - Commander Richardson - built it.

Jack: Eh... hand me down.

Ron: Wow! What did you use? A .38?

Caroline: .38... .39, whatever it took.

Jack: My brain is like oatmeal. I yelled at Kenny today for coloring outside the lines! Megan and I are starting to watch the same TV shows, and I'm liking them! I'm losing it.

Caroline: Honey, I know what you're talking about. I've been there myself, alright?

Jack: Well, if you're so unhappy, why don't you say something about it?

Caroline: Because I wasn't unhappy! Look, maybe I was a little confused, maybe I was a little frustrated, but I knew what I was doing was important, because it means something to raise human beings. What saw me through was pride.

Caroline: I've pride in this house, I've pride with my kids, and I've pride being Mrs. Jack Butler! Where are you going?

Jack: [Eating pizza before going] I'm goin downstairs to sleep on the fat couch if I can get through the door.

Caroline: Yeah, well be sure to take pride in some of that FAT, Porky!

Caroline: Do you want to go over the list one more time?

Jack: No I don't want to go over the list! OK let's go over the list.

Sandy Lester: Well, good night, Michael. It was a wonderful party. My date left with someone else. I had a lot of fun. Do you have any Seconol?

Sandy Lester: There is nothing you can do for me. I just have to feel like this until I don't feel like this anymore and you're gonna have to know that you're the one that made me feel this way.

Dr. Frankenstein: Love is the only thing that can save this poor creature, and I am going to convince him that he is loved even at the cost of my own life. No matter what you hear in there, no matter how cruelly I beg you, no matter how terribly I may scream, do not open this door or you will undo everything I have worked for. Do you understand? Do not open this door!

Inga: Yes, Doctor.

Igor: [sarcastically] Nice workin with ya.

Dr. Frankenstein: [panicking, turns back to the door; turns to the Monster, then back to the door; sarcastically; begins pounding on the door; outside, Frau Blūcher stops Inga and Igor from trying to open the cell] Let me out. Let me out of here. Get me the hell out of here. What's the matter with you people? I WAS JOKING! Don't you know a joke when you hear one? HA HA HA! Jesus Christ, let me out of here! Open this goddamn door or I'll kick your rotten heads in! MOMMY!!!

Frau Blucher: [blocking the door as Inga and Igor again try to open the cell] Nein!

Dr. Frankenstein: [turns back to the Monster, deciding a different approach...; the Monster looks momentarily wrong-footed; the Monster starts to cry; he hugs him] Hello, handsome! You're a good looking fellow, do you know that? People laugh at you, people hate you, but why do they hate you? Because...they are JEALOUS! Look at that boyish face. Look at that sweet smile. Do you wanna talk about physical strength? Do you want to talk about sheer muscle? Do you want to talk about the Olympian ideal? You are a GOD! And listen to me, you are not evil. You...are...GOOD! This is a nice boy. This is a good boy. This is a mother's angel. And I want the world to know once and for all, and without any shame, that we love him! I'm going to teach you. I'm going to show you how to walk, how to speak, how to move, how to think. Together, you and I are going to make the greatest single contribution to science since the creation of fire!

Inga: [from outside] Dr. Fronkensteen! Are you all right?!

Dr. Frankenstein: MY NAME IS FRANKENSTEIN!!!

Dr. Frankenstein: [after failing to bring the creature to life] Nothing.

Inga: Oh, Doctor, I'm sorry.

Dr. Frankenstein: [begins walking away but then runs back and starts beating up the creature; furious] No. No. Be of good cheer. If science teaches us anything, it teaches us to accept our failures, as well as our successes, with quiet dignity and grace. SON OF A BITCH! BASTARD! I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS! WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?! WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?!

Inga: Stop it! Stop that! Stop it! You'll kill him!

Dr. Frankenstein: [pounds on the creatures chest in rage before being restrained; whimpers] I DON'T WANT TO LIVE! I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE!

Igor: [to the audience; [Hypocrisy|Quiet dignity and grace; rolls eyes] ].

Dr. Frankenstein: Oh...mama...

Dr. Frankenstein: [reading his grandfather's work] The minuteness of the parts formed a great hindrance to my speed. I resolved therefore to make the Creature of gigantic stature." Of course, that would simplify everything.

Inga: In other words...his veins, his feet, his hands, his organs vould all have to be increased in size.

Dr. Frankenstein: Precisely.

Inga: [her eyes get wide] He vould have an enormous schwanzschtücker.

Dr. Frankenstein: [ponders this a moment] That goes without saying.

Inga: Woof.

Igor: [to the audience] He's going to be very popular.

Dr. Frankenstein: What knockers.

Inga: Oh, thank you, doctor.

Inga: Werewolf!

Dr. Frankenstein: Werewolf?

Igor: There.

Dr. Frankenstein: What?

Igor: There, wolf. There, castle.

Dr. Frankenstein: Why are you talking that way?

Igor: I thought you wanted to.

Dr. Frankenstein: No, I don't want to.

Igor: [shrugs] Suit yourself. I'm easy.

Inga: [Dr. Frankenstein moans suggestively and approaches her in bed; gasping; emits several somewhat painful-sounding moans and grunts; singing] You know, there's something I've been meaning to ask you. In the transference, the monster got part of your wonderful brain. But what did you ever get from him? Oh my goodness, I don't believe... Oh, sweet mystery of life, at last I've found you! At last, I know the secret of it all!

Inga: [Dr. Frankenstein stutters; begins to roll in the hay] Hallo. Vould you like to have a roll in ze hay? It's fun. Roll, roll, roll in ze hay.

Testy True: [holding out her snake-bitten finger] Quick! Suck it before the venom reaches my heart.

Mike: WHAT heart?

Julie: I'm gonna give you a present.

Paul: Don't do that. That's really not necessary at all. I mean, I've only known you for, what, an hour.

Julie: No, no, no. You said that you were gonna come back and you did. In these days, that is something to be commended and rewarded. Do you know what this is?

Paul: No.

Julie: This is a Plaster of Paris bagel and cream cheese paperweight. I bought it from a local artist, Kiki Bridges. Did you ever hear of her?

Julie: Hey Paul, do you like my hairdo?

Paul: Yes... yes, I do.

Julie: Then why don't you touch it?