Memorable Quotes from Thomas Haden Church
14 quotesPerspective on Unusual Circumstances
Flint Marko / Sandman
A ]. Weird.
[[w:Peter Parker (Marvel Cinematic Universe)|different Peter]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Desperation in the Face of Danger
Lyle Van de Groot
It was horrible. An almost 400-pound white ape man. The White Ape has my girlfriend. I held him off as long as I could. There's blood everywhere. The White Ape got my girlfriend. He weighs 400-pounds! The White Ape got my girlfriend! The White Ape got...help! Help! Man needs help!
[''Practicing his made-up story about Ursula getting captured by the White Ape'']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Warning about product side effects
Jack
Consult your doctor before using this product. Side effects may include oily discharge, hives, loss of appetite, low blood pressure. If you have diabetes or a history of kidney trouble, you're dead, asshole!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Victory Through Mercenaries
Lyle Van de Groot
No hard feelings, Stonebelly. The best man won, that's all. Or, I should say, the guy who brought mercenaries won; that's all.
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Reflection on Past Sacrifices and Losses
Flint Marko / Sandman
They both died. Fighting ]. It was all over the news. ], ]. And a couple years later, you, ], ].
[[w:Peter Parker (Sam Raimi film series)|Spider-Man; [w:Norman Osborn (Sam Raimi film series)|Green Goblin; [Spider-Man (2002 film)|impaled by the glider he flew around on; [w:Otto Octavius (film character)|Doc Ock; [Spider-Man 2|drowned in the river with your machine]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Invitation to Wrestling School in North Carolina
Salt Water Redneck
Come to my wrestling school in Ayden, North Carolina. And become a disciple of Salt Water Redneck. You can become not only a badass, but the badass. You will learn.
[''Eleanor is watching tape'']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Friend's Loan Explained
Jay Wilkins
It's a loan from a friend to a friend.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Call for Recognition and Connection
Flint Marko / Sandman
Peter! It's me, Marko! ]
[[Spider-Man 3|Remember!?]
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Confrontation Between Billy and Doc
Billy Clanton
It's the drunk piano player. You're so drunk, you couldn't hit nothin. In fact, you're probably seeing double.
[to Holliday; ''draws a knife.'']
Doc
I have two guns; one for each of ya.
[draws a second gun]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Musical Misunderstandings in Tombstone
Billy Clanton
Is that "Old Dog Tray?" It sounds to me like "Old Dog Tray." You know, Stephen Foster. "Oh, Susannah," "Camptown Races." Stephen stinking Foster!
Doc
Ah, yes. Well, this happens to be a nocturne.
Billy Clanton
A which?
Doc
You know, Frederic fucking Chopin.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Understanding Personal Struggles in Sideways
Jack
You don't understand my plight.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
George of the Jungle - Lyle Van de Groot
Lyle Van de Groot
Pardon me, girls. I know you're feeling pretty hey sailor up here about now. But if you would just let me order a bowl of ] we can all have ] tomorrow morning.
[''Translating with [[w:Swahili language|a Swahili phrasebook; [w:fried clams|fried clams; [w:smallpox|smallpox]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Talking Monkey Surprises Characters in Jungle
Ape
Run, Shep! Run for your life!
Max
Did that monkey just speak?
Thor
That monkey just spoke.
Ursula Stanhope
I knew it.
Lyle
He talked.
Max
Shoot it now.
[to Thor]
Ape
Hmm?
[turns and notices Max and Thor]
Max
With the tranquilizer gun, idiot. The ape's worth a fortune.
[lowers Thor's rifle]
George
NOOOOOOOO!
[runs towards Ape]
Lyle Van de Groot
Stop, or I'll shoot!
[Aims his handgun at George; in slow motion, Lyle inaudibly yells, "I mean it!" before he shoots George]
Ape
NOOOOOOOO!
Lyle Van de Groot
NOOOOOOOO!
Ursula
GEOOOOOOOORGE!
[fade to white]
Narrator
Whew! Okay, kids, let's settle down and review the important information. Lyle is a big doofus. Poor George was really shot, but can't die because, let's face it, he's the ].
[[hero]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Casual Conversation Between Friends About Family
Jay Wilkins
How are you doing, buddy?
Todd Burpo
Good. How are you?
Jay Wilkins
How's that Colton doing today? Is he back to torturing his sister?
Todd Burpo
Yes. I need some advice, smart advice.
Jay Wilkins
Well, I am not smart, so you came to the right guy.
Todd Burpo
I know that.
Jay Wilkins
Nothing but clumsy, inaccurate advice available here. I've been expecting to see you a little sooner.
Todd Burpo
What do you mean?
Jay Wilkins
Well, I'm your banker.
Todd Burpo
I didn't come here for a loan.
Jay Wilkins
Not the bank's money, just from a friend to a friend. Let me help you out, okay? Nobody would have to know.
Todd Burpo
I'd know. I never wanted to be the guy who stands up there in the pulpit asking people to give to charity when all he does is take it.
Jay Wilkins
It's not charity. It's a loan from a friend to a friend. I know you need the help. It's what real people do.
Todd Burpo
I don't.
Jay Wilkins
Well, then you didn't come here for smart advice. I don't think the church has kept your salary in line with the new members that you've brought in. I think you deserve a raise. Let me talk to the board, see what I can do.
Todd Burpo
I didn't come here for a raise, either.
Jay Wilkins
All right, good. I didn't want to ask them. What can I do for you?
Todd Burpo
It's Colton. He's been talking about this, uh... We ask these kids to believe this stuff and I don't even know if I believe it myself, Jay.
Jay Wilkins
What?
[Todd's and Jay's cell phones both ring at once]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.