Thomas Haden ChurchQuotes

Jack: Consult your doctor before using this product. Side effects may include oily discharge, hives, loss of appetite, low blood pressure. If you have diabetes or a history of kidney trouble, you're dead, asshole!

Jack: You don't understand my plight.

Jay Wilkins: How are you doing, buddy?

Todd Burpo: Good. How are you?

Jay Wilkins: How's that Colton doing today? Is he back to torturing his sister?

Todd Burpo: Yes. I need some advice, smart advice.

Jay Wilkins: Well, I am not smart, so you came to the right guy.

Todd Burpo: I know that.

Jay Wilkins: Nothing but clumsy, inaccurate advice available here. I've been expecting to see you a little sooner.

Todd Burpo: What do you mean?

Jay Wilkins: Well, I'm your banker.

Todd Burpo: I didn't come here for a loan.

Jay Wilkins: Not the bank's money, just from a friend to a friend. Let me help you out, okay? Nobody would have to know.

Todd Burpo: I'd know. I never wanted to be the guy who stands up there in the pulpit asking people to give to charity when all he does is take it.

Jay Wilkins: It's not charity. It's a loan from a friend to a friend. I know you need the help. It's what real people do.

Todd Burpo: I don't.

Jay Wilkins: Well, then you didn't come here for smart advice. I don't think the church has kept your salary in line with the new members that you've brought in. I think you deserve a raise. Let me talk to the board, see what I can do.

Todd Burpo: I didn't come here for a raise, either.

Jay Wilkins: All right, good. I didn't want to ask them. What can I do for you?

Todd Burpo: It's Colton. He's been talking about this, uh... We ask these kids to believe this stuff and I don't even know if I believe it myself, Jay.

Jay Wilkins: [Todd's and Jay's cell phones both ring at once] What?

Jay Wilkins: It's a loan from a friend to a friend.

Salt Water Redneck: [''Eleanor is watching tape''] Come to my wrestling school in Ayden, North Carolina. And become a disciple of Salt Water Redneck. You can become not only a badass, but the badass. You will learn.

Ape: Run, Shep! Run for your life!

Max: Did that monkey just speak?

Thor: That monkey just spoke.

Ursula Stanhope: I knew it.

Lyle: He talked.

Max: [to Thor] Shoot it now.

Ape: [turns and notices Max and Thor] Hmm?

Max: [lowers Thor's rifle] With the tranquilizer gun, idiot. The ape's worth a fortune.

George: [runs towards Ape] NOOOOOOOO!

Lyle Van de Groot: [Aims his handgun at George; in slow motion, Lyle inaudibly yells, "I mean it!" before he shoots George] Stop, or I'll shoot!

Ape: NOOOOOOOO!

Lyle Van de Groot: NOOOOOOOO!

Ursula: [fade to white] GEOOOOOOOORGE!

Narrator: [[hero] Whew! Okay, kids, let's settle down and review the important information. Lyle is a big doofus. Poor George was really shot, but can't die because, let's face it, he's the ].

Lyle Van de Groot: No hard feelings, Stonebelly. The best man won, that's all. Or, I should say, the guy who brought mercenaries won; that's all.

Lyle Van de Groot: [''Translating with [[w:Swahili language|a Swahili phrasebook; [w:fried clams|fried clams; [w:smallpox|smallpox] Pardon me, girls. I know you're feeling pretty hey sailor up here about now. But if you would just let me order a bowl of ] we can all have ] tomorrow morning.

Lyle Van de Groot: [''Practicing his made-up story about Ursula getting captured by the White Ape''] It was horrible. An almost 400-pound white ape man. The White Ape has my girlfriend. I held him off as long as I could. There's blood everywhere. The White Ape got my girlfriend. He weighs 400-pounds! The White Ape got my girlfriend! The White Ape got...help! Help! Man needs help!

Billy Clanton: [to Holliday; ''draws a knife.''] It's the drunk piano player. You're so drunk, you couldn't hit nothin. In fact, you're probably seeing double.

Doc: [draws a second gun] I have two guns; one for each of ya.

Billy Clanton: Is that "Old Dog Tray?" It sounds to me like "Old Dog Tray." You know, Stephen Foster. "Oh, Susannah," "Camptown Races." Stephen stinking Foster!

Doc: Ah, yes. Well, this happens to be a nocturne.

Billy Clanton: A which?

Doc: You know, Frederic fucking Chopin.

Flint Marko / Sandman: [[w:Peter Parker (Sam Raimi film series)|Spider-Man; [w:Norman Osborn (Sam Raimi film series)|Green Goblin; [Spider-Man (2002 film)|impaled by the glider he flew around on; [w:Otto Octavius (film character)|Doc Ock; [Spider-Man 2|drowned in the river with your machine] They both died. Fighting ]. It was all over the news. ], ]. And a couple years later, you, ], ].

Flint Marko / Sandman: [[w:Peter Parker (Marvel Cinematic Universe)|different Peter] A ]. Weird.

Flint Marko / Sandman: [[Spider-Man 3|Remember!?] Peter! It's me, Marko! ]