Tim McInnernyQuotes

Quartermain: This way. Haven't got all day. Don't! (too late; English presses "Enter" on a nearby laptop, firing a disc. The disc flies across the aisle and slices the entire head clean off of a dummy, which an agent catches) Would you stop meddling, English? (guides English over to a luxurious car) Here she is.

English: Ahh, the Rolls-Royce Phantom. Truly the Rolls-Royce of automobiles.

Quartermain: Armour plating, all the bells and whistles. Say "bonnet.

English: Bonnet.

Car's computer: Command accepted. (the bonnet opens)

Quartermain: Voice activation recognizes only you. Rolls has fitted one of their experimental engines, the nine-litre V16. Goes like the wind... only quieter.

English: Beautiful.

Quartermain: Keep up. (leads English to a table laid out with gadgets that all look completely innocent) Here's what you'll be taking to Hong Kong.

English: Ah, yes.

Quartermain: (holds up a socket extension) A satellite receiver, (holds up a comb) tracking device, (holds up a pack of gum) Semtex chewing gum... (English grabs a small digital camera) Ah! Now, what did I just say? (English clicks the shutter, firing a mini-dart out of the lens. The dart goes directly through the rump of a dummy and into the buttocks of an agent. The other agents laugh and English chuckles sheepishly) That's the new P2 digital dart gun.

Alonzo: [seeing Oddball] What's that puppy doing up there?

Chloe Simon: [alarmed] No, Oddball!

Kevin Shepherd: [alarmed] Oddball!

Chloe Simon: Oh, Oddball! Oh!

Kevin Shepherd: [chuckles] What have you been up to now?

Chloe Simon: What have you been doing?

Kevin Shepherd: Come here, come here. Hey! Hey.

Chloe Simon: [notices something; Kevin laughs; happily] Oh. Dirt. Kevin. Look. These won't come off. She's got her spots! Oddball's got her spots! Look!

Waddlesworth: S-P-O-T-S!

Cruella De Vil: Alonzo! Find the rat and kill it! Le Pelt and I will be on the Orient Express.

Alonzo: K-K-K-Kill?

Cruella De Vil: The last time I underestimated a puppy, I wound up in the pokey! Go!

Cruella de Vil: My Dalmatian puppy coat. The coat of my dreams. The ultimate fur coat, that was denied me by that canine cabal... for which I have lost, three years of my life! Alonso, we're going to make them pay.

Alonzo: Yes. How much?

Cruella de Vil: Dipstick, she called him. What fiendish justice! He escaped me, but I shall wreak my vengeance on the next generation.

Alonzo: Sounds wonderful.

Cruella De Vil: Alonzo, I need you.

Alonzo: I'm yours.

Cruella De Vil: [laughing evilly] Furnish yourself with a torch, a large sack and rubber soled shoes. Meanwhile, I need a furrier. And I know just where to find him.

Cruella De Vil: It’s smaller than I remember.

Alonzo: I k-kept everything just as you l-left it.

Cruella De Vil: [Fluffy growls; gasps, then starts tsking; she opens the door, suddenly screams, throwing Fluffy to Alonzo; starts panting] Oh, come, Fluffy. We’ll share a bath. An interminable soak scented with lavender and a drop of Sumatran… Never mind. I think I’ll enjoy doing a little dusting. Oh, Fluffy, a bath… Followed by a nap submerged in feather pillows and satin-- Alonzo! Fur! It's everywhere! Lock them away! Bury them beyond sight and memory!

Alonzo: Even the Mongolian pony skin trousers and the--

Cruella De Vil: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWW!!!!!

Cruella De Vil: And this!

Cruella De Vil: Is it safe?

Alonzo: Yes, it's safe.

William: So what do you think? Good move?

Honey: Good move. When all is said and done, she's nothing special. I saw her taking her trousers down and I definitely glimpsed some cellulite down there.

Bella: Good decision. All actresses are as mad as snakes.

William: Tony, what do you think?

Tony: Never met her, never want to.

William: Brilliant. Max?

Max: Absolutely. Never trust a vegetarian.

William: Great. Thanks. Brilliant.

Spike: I was called and I came. What's up?

Honey: William's just turned down Anna Scott.

Spike: [shocked] You daft prick!

Honey: No, no, no, no, it's actually quite sensible.

Bella: [looks at the painting of the Chagall that Anna gave William] That painting isn't the original, is it?

William: Umm, yeah, I think it might be.

Bernie: But she said she wanted to go out with you?

William: Yes...sort of...

Bernie: That's nice.

William: What?

Bernie: Well, you know, anyone saying they want to go out with you is...pretty great...isn't it?

William: [pause; Spike nods. Another pause] It was sort of sweet, actually- um, I mean, I know she's an actress and all that, so she can deliver a line, but she said she might be as famous as can be, but also...that she was just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her. Oh, sod a dog, I've made the wrong decision, haven't I? Max, how fast is your car?

Keziah: No, thanks, I'm a fruitarian.

Max: I didn't realize that.

William: And, ah, what exactly is a fruitarian?

Keziah: We believe that fruits and vegetables have feelings, so we think cooking is cruel. We only eat things that've actually fallen off a tree or bush- that are, in fact, dead already.

William: Right, right. Interesting stuff. So, uh these carrots...?

Keziah: Have been murdered, yes.

William: Murdered? Poor old carrots. How beastly!

Max: Let's face facts, this was always a no-win situation. Anna's a goddess; you know what happens to mortals who get involved with gods.

William: Buggered, is it?

Max: Every time.

Anna: Wait, what about me?

Max: Sorry, you think you deserve the brownie?

Anna: Well, a shot at it, at least, huh?

William: Well, you'll have to fight me for it- this is a very good brownie.

Anna: I've been on a diet every day since I was nineteen, which basically means I've been hungry for a decade. I've had a series of not-nice boyfriends, one of whom hit me. Ah, and every time I get my heart broken, the newspapers splash it about as though it's entertainment. And it's taken two rather painful operations to get me looking like this.

Honey: Really?

Anna: [indicates chin and nose] Really. And, one day, not long from now, my looks will go, they'll discover I can't act and I'll become some sad, middle-aged woman who looks a bit like someone who was famous for a while.

Max: [long pause; all laugh] Nah, nice try, gorgeous, but you don't fool anyone.

William: Pathetic effort to hog the brownie.

Max: You haven't slept with her, have you?

William: That is a cheap question and the answer is, of course, no comment.

Max: No comment" means "yes.

William: No, it doesn't.

Max: Do you ever masturbate?

William: DEFINITELY no comment.

Max: You see? It means "yes.

Max: [''Opens door.''] Hi.

Honey: [''Shows off her dress.''] Hi.

Max: Ah yes, Happy Birthday.

Honey: Thank you.

Max: Look, your brother's brought this girl ...

Honey: [''Walks into the house and turns a corner.''] Hi guys! Oh, holy fuck!

William: Hon, this is Anna. Anna, this is Honey. She is my baby sister.

Anna: Oh, hi.

Honey: Oh God! This is one of those key moments in life when it's possible you can be really genuinely cool and I ... I'm going to fail just a 100%. I ... I absolutely, totally, and utterly adore you, and I just think ... you are the most beautiful woman in the world. And more importantly, I genuinely believe, and I've believed for some time now, that ... that we could be best friends. So what do you think?

Anna: [''Offers present.''] Oh ... ha ha, uh, lucky me! Um ah well, Happy Birthday.

Honey: Oh, you gave me a present. We're best friends already then. ... Marry Will! He's a really nice guy. Then we can be sisters.

Anna: Well, I'll think about it.