Memorable Quotes from Tim McInnerny
12 quotesCruella's Nostalgia and Fur Obsession
Cruella De Vil
It’s smaller than I remember.
Alonzo
I k-kept everything just as you l-left it.
Cruella De Vil
Oh, come, Fluffy. We’ll share a bath. An interminable soak scented with lavender and a drop of Sumatran… Never mind. I think I’ll enjoy doing a little dusting. Oh, Fluffy, a bath… Followed by a nap submerged in feather pillows and satin-- Alonzo! Fur! It's everywhere! Lock them away! Bury them beyond sight and memory!
[Fluffy growls; gasps, then starts tsking; she opens the door, suddenly screams, throwing Fluffy to Alonzo; starts panting]
Alonzo
Even the Mongolian pony skin trousers and the--
Cruella De Vil
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWW!!!!!
Cruella De Vil
And this!
Cruella De Vil
Is it safe?
Alonzo
Yes, it's safe.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Cruella's Unconventional Request to Alonzo
Cruella De Vil
Alonzo, I need you.
Alonzo
I'm yours.
Cruella De Vil
Furnish yourself with a torch, a large sack and rubber soled shoes. Meanwhile, I need a furrier. And I know just where to find him.
[laughing evilly]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Perils of Loving the Unattainable
Max
Let's face facts, this was always a no-win situation. Anna's a goddess; you know what happens to mortals who get involved with gods.
William
Buggered, is it?
Max
Every time.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Judgments on Celebrity Relationships and Appearances
William
So what do you think? Good move?
Honey
Good move. When all is said and done, she's nothing special. I saw her taking her trousers down and I definitely glimpsed some cellulite down there.
Bella
Good decision. All actresses are as mad as snakes.
William
Tony, what do you think?
Tony
Never met her, never want to.
William
Brilliant. Max?
Max
Absolutely. Never trust a vegetarian.
William
Great. Thanks. Brilliant.
Spike
I was called and I came. What's up?
Honey
William's just turned down Anna Scott.
Spike
You daft prick!
[shocked]
Honey
No, no, no, no, it's actually quite sensible.
Bella
That painting isn't the original, is it?
[looks at the painting of the Chagall that Anna gave William]
William
Umm, yeah, I think it might be.
Bernie
But she said she wanted to go out with you?
William
Yes...sort of...
Bernie
That's nice.
William
What?
Bernie
Well, you know, anyone saying they want to go out with you is...pretty great...isn't it?
William
It was sort of sweet, actually- um, I mean, I know she's an actress and all that, so she can deliver a line, but she said she might be as famous as can be, but also...that she was just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her. Oh, sod a dog, I've made the wrong decision, haven't I? Max, how fast is your car?
[pause; Spike nods. Another pause]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Mishaps in a Luxury Car Introduction
Quartermain
This way. Haven't got all day. Don't! (too late; English presses "Enter" on a nearby laptop, firing a disc. The disc flies across the aisle and slices the entire head clean off of a dummy, which an agent catches) Would you stop meddling, English? (guides English over to a luxurious car) Here she is.
English
Ahh, the Rolls-Royce Phantom. Truly the Rolls-Royce of automobiles.
Quartermain
Armour plating, all the bells and whistles. Say "bonnet.
English
Bonnet.
Car's computer
Command accepted. (the bonnet opens)
Quartermain
Voice activation recognizes only you. Rolls has fitted one of their experimental engines, the nine-litre V16. Goes like the wind... only quieter.
English
Beautiful.
Quartermain
Keep up. (leads English to a table laid out with gadgets that all look completely innocent) Here's what you'll be taking to Hong Kong.
English
Ah, yes.
Quartermain
(holds up a socket extension) A satellite receiver, (holds up a comb) tracking device, (holds up a pack of gum) Semtex chewing gum... (English grabs a small digital camera) Ah! Now, what did I just say? (English clicks the shutter, firing a mini-dart out of the lens. The dart goes directly through the rump of a dummy and into the buttocks of an agent. The other agents laugh and English chuckles sheepishly) That's the new P2 digital dart gun.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Ethics of Eating as a Fruitarian
Keziah
No, thanks, I'm a fruitarian.
Max
I didn't realize that.
William
And, ah, what exactly is a fruitarian?
Keziah
We believe that fruits and vegetables have feelings, so we think cooking is cruel. We only eat things that've actually fallen off a tree or bush- that are, in fact, dead already.
William
Right, right. Interesting stuff. So, uh these carrots...?
Keziah
Have been murdered, yes.
William
Murdered? Poor old carrots. How beastly!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Simple Birthday Greetings Among Friends
Max
Hi.
[''Opens door.'']
Honey
Hi.
[''Shows off her dress.'']
Max
Ah yes, Happy Birthday.
Honey
Thank you.
Max
Look, your brother's brought this girl ...
Honey
Hi guys! Oh, holy fuck!
[''Walks into the house and turns a corner.'']
William
Hon, this is Anna. Anna, this is Honey. She is my baby sister.
Anna
Oh, hi.
Honey
Oh God! This is one of those key moments in life when it's possible you can be really genuinely cool and I ... I'm going to fail just a 100%. I ... I absolutely, totally, and utterly adore you, and I just think ... you are the most beautiful woman in the world. And more importantly, I genuinely believe, and I've believed for some time now, that ... that we could be best friends. So what do you think?
Anna
Oh ... ha ha, uh, lucky me! Um ah well, Happy Birthday.
[''Offers present.'']
Honey
Oh, you gave me a present. We're best friends already then. ... Marry Will! He's a really nice guy. Then we can be sisters.
Anna
Well, I'll think about it.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Miscommunication About Relationships and Intentions
Max
You haven't slept with her, have you?
William
That is a cheap question and the answer is, of course, no comment.
Max
No comment" means "yes.
William
No, it doesn't.
Max
Do you ever masturbate?
William
DEFINITELY no comment.
Max
You see? It means "yes.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Puppy Causes Concern Among Characters
Alonzo
What's that puppy doing up there?
[seeing Oddball]
Chloe Simon
No, Oddball!
[alarmed]
Kevin Shepherd
Oddball!
[alarmed]
Chloe Simon
Oh, Oddball! Oh!
Kevin Shepherd
What have you been up to now?
[chuckles]
Chloe Simon
What have you been doing?
Kevin Shepherd
Come here, come here. Hey! Hey.
Chloe Simon
Oh. Dirt. Kevin. Look. These won't come off. She's got her spots! Oddball's got her spots! Look!
[notices something; Kevin laughs; happily]
Waddlesworth
S-P-O-T-S!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Cruella's Command for Alonzo's Action
Cruella De Vil
Alonzo! Find the rat and kill it! Le Pelt and I will be on the Orient Express.
Alonzo
K-K-K-Kill?
Cruella De Vil
The last time I underestimated a puppy, I wound up in the pokey! Go!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Cruella's Revenge on Dalmatians
Cruella de Vil
My Dalmatian puppy coat. The coat of my dreams. The ultimate fur coat, that was denied me by that canine cabal... for which I have lost, three years of my life! Alonso, we're going to make them pay.
Alonzo
Yes. How much?
Cruella de Vil
Dipstick, she called him. What fiendish justice! He escaped me, but I shall wreak my vengeance on the next generation.
Alonzo
Sounds wonderful.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Playful Dispute Over a Brownie
Anna
Wait, what about me?
Max
Sorry, you think you deserve the brownie?
Anna
Well, a shot at it, at least, huh?
William
Well, you'll have to fight me for it- this is a very good brownie.
Anna
I've been on a diet every day since I was nineteen, which basically means I've been hungry for a decade. I've had a series of not-nice boyfriends, one of whom hit me. Ah, and every time I get my heart broken, the newspapers splash it about as though it's entertainment. And it's taken two rather painful operations to get me looking like this.
Honey
Really?
Anna
Really. And, one day, not long from now, my looks will go, they'll discover I can't act and I'll become some sad, middle-aged woman who looks a bit like someone who was famous for a while.
[indicates chin and nose]
Max
Nah, nice try, gorgeous, but you don't fool anyone.
[long pause; all laugh]
William
Pathetic effort to hog the brownie.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.