Memorable Quotes from Tom Arnold
11 quotesFlight Cancellation and Alternative Arrangement Offered
Worldwide Airlines Ticket Agent
OK, Mr. Hunkee, I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that your flight 114 to JFK has been cancelled.
Barbara
Oh, for the love of...
Worldwide Airlines Ticket Agent
But, the good news is that we have found another airline that can accommodate you this evening. Would you be interested in flying another airline?
[in background]
Mr. Hunkee
No problem.
Worldwide Airlines Ticket Agent
OK, four tickets for flight... 069, on NWA. What you gonna wanna do is go to gate 1, uh, that's Terminal X, and we'll send your luggage on down for you.
Mr. Hunkee
Thank you.
Worldwide Airlines Ticket Agent
Good luck!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Teenage Party Confessions and Parental Concerns
Heather Hunkee
Fine. For a couple more hours. I am 17 and then I'll be 18. Then I can party and have sex.
Mr. Hunkee
Sex?! No, no.
Heather Hunkee
Yeah, sex. Missionary, doggie-style, rocking the baby, getting tea-bagged, playing the trombone while I'm tossing a salad, hand jobs, ear jobs, blow jobs. Getting a pearl necklace, riding the bologna pony... sucking--
Mr. Hunkee
That's enough!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Decade Away from Driving
Albert Gibson
Harry, do you realize it has been, in fact, ten years since you've been behind the wheel of one of these things?
Harry Tasker
If I break it, they can take it outta my pay.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Celebrating a Milestone and Preparing for Release
Mr. Hunkee
Alright, congratulations everybody! You guys have been ]! There's cameras everywhere, right son?
[[w:Punk'd|punk'd]
Billy Hunkee
We'll be back in like five minutes with the release forms! Come on!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Dinner Invitation Amidst Uncertainty
Mrs. Lewis
I...I am really sorry, Ashley. I just didn't know he had a girlfriend.
Mr. Lewis
Say, would you like to stay for dinner tonight?
Deacon
Oh, no, no. Ashley has this, this...
Ashley
...Okay.
Mr. Lewis
Great, I'm Art.
[presents his hand for a handshake]
Mrs. Lewis
Oh, stop.
[quickly slaps his hand away before Ashley removes her hands from covering her breasts]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Introduction of Naomi to Mrs. Lewis
Mrs. Lewis
Deacon? Who is it?
[from the dinner table]
Naomi
Hi, Mrs. Lewis, I'm Naomi.
[walks in to the dinner table]
Deacon
Christ...this is Naomi and she's my...my good...
Naomi
...Girlfriend.
Mrs. Lewis
His...his girlfriend?
Max (K)
Deacon has TWO girlfriends?!
Deacon
I'm gonna break your arm around, Max.
[whispering]
Naomi
What do you mean?
[to Max]
Max (K)
Deacon's OTHER girlfriend is having dinner with us.
[points at her]
Deacon
Oh, God. I can explain.
Mr. Lewis
Naomi, this is Deacon's other girlfriend, Ashley.
[Casually]
Ashley
Hi.
Naomi
Oh my God. How old are you, you slut?
Ashley
Eighteen.
Naomi
I thought you were a nice guy.
[looking at Deacon; leaves Deacon's house]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Family Disappointment and the Need for Explanation
Mrs. Lewis
We just want you to know how deeply disappointed we are in you.
Deacon
I can explain.
Mr. Lewis
You can explain?! Well, explain it to me, son, explain it!
Deacon
Believe me, if you just give me a chance...
Mr. Lewis
How in the hell can you ever explain this?!
[presents Deacon's mail sent diploma]
Mrs. Lewis
How did you manage to get a C in biology?
Mr. Lewis
You are a straight A student, boy!
Mrs. Lewis
I knew we shouldn't have let him have a girlfriend.
Mr. Lewis
Let alone two...
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Betrayal and Misunderstanding in Relationships
Albert Gibson
Same thing happened to me with wife number two, remember? I had no idea nothing was going on. I come home, and the house is empty. I mean, completely empty. She even took the ice cube trays out of the freezer. What kind of a sick bitch takes the ice cube trays out of the freezer?
Harry Tasker
It's not Helen.
Gibson
Helen still loves you. She just wants to bang this guy for a while. It's nothing serious. You'll get used to it soon...
Tasker
STOP--cheering me UP!!!!
[slams Albert against a post]
Gibson
What'd you expect? Helen's a flesh-and-blood woman, and you're never there. It was just a matter of time. I say we concentrate on work. That's what I do every time my life turns to dog shit. I concentrate on work, and that gets me by. Right, buddy? It's gonna be great. We're gonna catch some terrorists. We're gonna beat the crap out of them. You're going to feel a hell of a lot better. Watch your head. Women: Can't live with em; Can't kill em.
[pause; serious; ushers him back to car; gets into the car]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Age and Perception in Conversation
Ashley
Johnson sounds like a complete moron.
Mr. Lewis
Exacly!
[holds her palm tightly with his own palm in excitement]
Mrs. Lewis
Ashley...I have a personal question for you. Exactly how old are you?
Ashley
Oh, well, I'm nineteen. But I, ah, I tell people I'm eighteen, right?
Deacon
Eighteen...I, it's just...isn't that funny?
[joins his father in laughter]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Missing Page Causes Confusion in Dialogue
Albert Gibson
My turn to drive?
Harry Tasker
Give me the page.
Gibson
What are you talking about?
Harry
This jumps from page 9 to page 11. Where's page 10?
Gibson
It's gotta be a typo.
[looks at paper]
Harry
Give me the goddamn page!
[shouts; smashes the passenger side of the window with his bare fist.]
Gibson
OK.
[Gibson looks at the window, then stares blankly at Harry; Quickly grabs page 10 from coat]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Secrets and Betrayals Among Friends
Harry Tasker
You tell on me, I'll tell on you.
Albert Gibson
What are you talking about? I'm as clean as a preacher's sheets. I'm clean as...
Tasker
What about the time you blew a six-week operation because you were too busy getting a blow job?
Gibson
You knew about that?
Tasker
Uh-huh.
Gibson
Let's take Franklin, it's quicker.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.