Travis WesterQuotes

Chad: [tries to start his car but sees he has no gas left] Empty? I just put two bucks in this thing!

Scott: This is Mieke's apartment building. Wish me all sorts of luck, guys.

Jenny: You'll do great, Scotty.

Scott: Thanks.

Cooper: [''Grandmother greets door''] I came all this way. I'm not gonna miss this. Dude, Mieke's hideous! Run!

Scott: [''Mieke's father appears''] Stop. Hi, my name is Scott Thomas. I'm from America, and I'm here to see Mieke.

Mieke's father: I'm sorry, but Mieke's not here.

Scott: Do you know where she is?

Mieke's father: She's gone for the summer.

Mieke's father: My daughter had intended to spend the summer in America, looking at colleges and visiting some friends. But several days ago, she suddenly changed her mind. She would not tell me why.

Scott: I think I know why.

Mieke's father: This is Heinrich. He's Mieke's stepbrother. As I was saying, she packed up her bag and left. It was all very sudden.

Scott: Do you know where she is now?

Mieke's father: She's always been very interested in the classics, Greek and Roman literature, history, and she's always enjoyed the ocean, so she found a program that combines all her interests.

Scott: Do you know where she is?

Mieke's father: [[w:Rome|Rome] She enrolled in a summer at sea program, based in ].

Scott: Rome. Okay, then I guess we'll go to Rome, then.

Mieke's father: Unfortunately, Mieke's only in Rome for orientation. Tomorrow her group boards a boat and she'll be gone for the summer. She'll be quite unreachable.

Scott: Unreachable.

Mieke's father: Mieke's tour group goes to the Vatican tomorrow, then she gets on that boat and she's gone.

Scott: So, it's over?

Scott: Thanks for sticking with me through this, guys, but... you should probably call your parents, have them wire you some money and go home.

Jamie: What are you gonna do?

Scott: I'm going to Rome. I'll walk, I'll hitchhike, I'll swim if I have to, but I'll get to Mieke somehow.

Jamie: Maybe that'll help.

Scott: Where'd you get all that? Wait. Where's your Leica?

Jamie: Sold it.

Scott: What? You sold your Leica? But you loved that thing. What about your Europe photo tour, the chateaus?

Jamie: Chateaus have been there for 300 years. Mieke's gone in 12 hours. Let's go! Frommer's says check in three hours before international flights.

Scott: Come here, guidebook!

Jamie: Whoo! We're going to Rome. We're going to Rome!

Tour guide: All right, summer at sea group. Our tour begins in the Vatican museum. This way, please.

Scott: There it is.

Swiss guard: This entrance is for private tour groups only.

Jenny: [''Cooper struggles with his ice cream cone''] Oh... but we are a private tour group. We've come all the way from America. That guy in the orange jacket is mentally retarded.

Swiss guard: Si, I can tell. How very, very sad.

Jenny: Yes, it is.

Swiss guard: But if you are a tour, where is your guide?

Jenny: We've got a fantastic tour guide. Right here.

Jamie: [[w:Constantine the Great|Constantine the Great; [w:5th century|5th century A.D.] What? No... The Vatican has been used as a papal residence ever since the time of ] of the ]!

Swiss guard: Oh. Okay... um... if you'll all follow me, please. Have a very special day for a very special little man.

Cooper: Okay. I can't believe that guy let us in. What a retard!

Swiss guard: [''To Jamie''; ''Points to a tour group''] Scusate. One of our English-speaking tour guides has called in sick. Could you please take these peoples also?

Tourist 1: How big is Vatican City?

Jenny: We've got a fantastic tour guide. Right here.

Jamie: 0.5 square kilometers.

Tourist 2: Who built the colonnades?

Jamie: [[w:Gianlorenzo Bernini|Gianlorenzo Bernini; [w:1656|1656] ], ].

Tourist 3: Where are the bathrooms?

Jamie: [[w:College of Cardinals|the College of Cardinals] Floors 6 and 7. Next I'll take you to where ] elects a new pope. When this happens, white smoke is sent up from the Vatican. Here's a fun fact...

Scott: Mieke must be around here somewhere. Let's go.

Tour guide: [[w:Papal apartments|the appartamento papale] Behind me is ], or "papal apartment." We're obviously not permitted.

Mieke: Excuse me, miss. What is this?

Tour guide: [[w:Sistine Chapel|the Sistine Chapel] That is the bell of San Marco. When the pope dies, the Cardinal Vicar of Rome rings this bell to notify the people of Rome. Next we will view ]. Follow me, please.

Cooper: Come on. I think I hear them.

Scott: Which way did they go?

Cooper: That way. I'd stake my reputation on it.

Scott: Good enough for me.

Cooper: [''Pull's on bell rope''] Hey, check it out! I wonder what this does.

Scott: [''They walk into Papal Chambers''] It doesn't do anything, it's a rope. Come on, let's go.

Cooper: They got a lot of old stuff here.

St. Peter's square man: Dio mio! The bell of San Marco! The pope is dead!

Scott: Whoa. She's not in here. Let's go. We're definitely not supposed to be in here.

Cooper: [''Puts on a [[w:mitre|pope mitre] Hey, check this out! I'm the pope!

Scott: Cooper... take off the pope hat.

Cooper: Oh, no. It's okay. I'm catholic.

Scott: Take it off, goddamnit!

Cooper: Oh, you took the Lord's name in vain! Only I can forgive you now, my son.

Scott: Take that fudging thing off!

Cooper: [''Puts a mitre on Scott''] The pope breaks an open-field tackle. It's a Hail Mary, he catches at the forty...the thirty...the twenty...the ten...touchdown, Pope! The pope makes a two-point conversion. And oh, my Lord! It's the Pope, eight, and the heathens, nothing! How's you, sucka?

Scott: [''Points to Cooper's hat''] Cooper, the hat! The hat! The hat is on fire!

Cooper: [[w:The Roof Is on Fire|"We don't need no water let the m... "] ]

Scott: I'm not kidding! Look!

Cooper: Oh, holy shit!

Scott: [''Cooper throws hat into fireplace''] I don't want this! Fireplace! Fireplace! Go, go!

Cooper and Scott: Whoa!

St. Peter's square man: White smoke! They've elected the new pope!

Newscaster: I'm coming to you live from Vatican Square where the College of Cardinals, in a surprise move, has just elected a new pope. The crowd is very excited.

Jamie: This is so strange. Usually they wait 15 days to elect a new pope. We could be seeing history in the making!

Jenny: We could be seeing an arrest in the making.

Scott: [''Spots Mieke in the square from window''] There she is. Mieke! Hey! Stupid curtain! Let me out! Mieke!

St. Peter's square man: It's the new pope!

Scott: [''After he disguised as the pope, he leaps onto a banner curtain''] Mieke! Hold on!

St. Peter's square man: This is one crazy pope.

Swiss guard: You! Ferma! Stop! You! You... and your retarded friend, you're in big, big trouble.

Maynard: Oy! Take your mitts off them boys! They're with me! I've just about had enough of you fuckin ities!

Swiss guard: But I am Swiss!

Maynard: [''Puts arm on Scott's shoulders''] Them, too! Now, bud... you get in there, and you say what you got to say.

Scott: Mieke. I'm here. I made it.

Mieke: Who are you?

Bert: What a fucking loser! I'm gonna videotape this.

Scott: I'm Scott.

Mieke: From Ohio? Scott? Scott Thomas?

Scott: Yes.

Mieke: From Ohio? What are you doing in Rome?

Scott: I came here to be with you. Listen, I just traveled all the way across Europe. I got chased by naked men. I ate brownies with absolutely no drugs in them. I watched a brother and sister make out. I kicked a robot in the balls, but I did it all so that... so I could tell you one thing. I love you, Mieke.

Crowd: Aww...

Scott: We're perfect for each other. What do you think?

Mieke: I think...

Scott: Oh, Mike... Mieke!

Old woman confessor: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I have cheated on my husband. Do you think God will ever forgive me?

Mieke: Oh, yes!

Old woman confessor: Father?

Cooper: This sucks. I can't believe I'm the only one who didn't hook up while we were here. Europe is officially the worst country on Earth.

Jenny: I know. I thought I'd at least get to have some crazy European sex.

Cooper: What?

Mieke: Scott, I have to go.

Scott: Okay.

Mieke: My boat is leaving. I still can't believe you came all the way here, just for me.

Scott: What can I say? I'm very unpredictable.

Mieke: Keep writing to me, Scott, OK?

Scott: Yeah, I will.

Mieke: Go.

Scott: Bye. Yes! Yes! Yes! Whoo-hoo!

Scott: Hey, guys, I'm so glad we got to take this trip together. This was the best time of my life.

Arthur: Excuse me. You're the young man who gave me that tour of the Vatican, aren't you?

Jamie: Listen, I'm very sorry...

Arthur: I just wanted to thank you. You were the most knowledgeable, albeit idiosyncratic, tour guide I've ever had.

Jamie: Thanks. But I'm not actually a tour guide. I've just read Frommer's enough to have it memorized. Although I threw in a few things Frommer's didn't know about.

Arthur: How would you like to add them?

Jamie: Excuse me?

Arthur: [''Hands Jamie his [[w:business card|business card] That's my guidebook. I'm Arthur Frommer.

Jamie: It's amazing! Frommer's is going to pay me to see every museum and cathedral in Europe.

Jenny: That sounds so exciting... for you.

Scott: I figured, since you're going to be staying, you might need this. A disposable camera. That's right.

Jamie: Thanks, Scotty.

Scott: That's from both of us.

Cooper: [''Answers phone''] Hello, Mr. Walters. I see. Fired? Well, I... Well, if that's what you want, I understand. I just... goodbye, sir.

Scott: They had to catch you eventually, right?

Cooper: No, they fired Humphrey.

Scott: Shut up!

Cooper: I got his office and a raise.

Jenny: No!

PA Announcer: [[w:Cleveland|Cleveland] Flight from Rome to ]...

Jamie: That's you guys. Have a good flight, everybody.

Scott: [''They hug''] Come here.

Jamie: Be good. Oh! Okay... Cooper, have a good flight. Be good.

Cooper: Thanks. I'm on it.

Cooper: [''In the toilet''] This still counts as Europe, right?

Scott: [''Typing e-mail''; ''Answers phone''] Dear Mieke, Greece sounds incredible. I just moved into my dorm room today, but I can't wait to see you over Christmas break. This time I think I'll fly to Berlin direct." Hello?

Cooper: [''Walking across campus quad''] Hey, buddy, how's college?

Scott: I just got here. My roommate hasn't even showed up yet.

Cooper: [[w:Pre-medical|pre-med geeks] Do they room all you ] together?

Scott: I'm not sure I'm going pre-med. I'm thinking about majoring in German.

Cooper: German? I've got a better idea. Why don't you major in not being such a woman?

Scott: So, how's Jenny?

Cooper: [''Jenny slaps him on the head from off-camera and takes his phone''] Jenny... Jenny who? I know a lot of ladies named Jenny, they're all... ow!

Jenny: Hey, Scotty, what's up?

Scott: Hi, Jenny! How's Jamie doing with Frommer?

Cooper: [''Cooper has spotted a gold-colored busker performing a robot dance''] Oh, no. Hold on. Come here, robot!

Jenny: Cooper, not again!

Scott: [''Hears a knock on his dorm door''; ''Opens door to Mieke''] Hold on, this could be my new roommate.

Cooper: [''With the busker in a head-lock and Jenny holding up phone to him''] What's the freak look like? Is he a dork or is he cool? Better not be cooler than me. Is he bigger than me?

Mieke: I just got your last email.

Scott: What are you doing here?

Mieke: Going to college.

Scott: You're going to college here? What dorm?

Mieke: This one. Room 214.

Scott: How is this possible?

Mieke: I guess they thought I was a guy.

Scott: Now who would be dumb enough to make a mistake like that?

Cooper: Do I hear kissing? Are you making out with your new roommate, Scotty? Scotty?! Scotty?! Scotty!

Green Fairy hallucination: This happy ending is bullshit. When does the fairy get laid? I'm outta here.

Father: Catchy tune.

Bert: Fuckin'-a, man.

Amsterdam hostel concierge woman: Hello, and welcome to Amsterdam's finest and most luxurious youth hostel.

Scott: Sounds great.

Amsterdam hostel concierge woman: There is no bathroom, nor is there one nearby. Sorry. Get it?

Scott: She got it.

Amsterdam hostel concierge woman: If you do not wish to have your valuables stolen, I suggest destroying them or discarding them right now. You can also try hiding your valuables... in your anus.

Madame Vandersexxx: Drink? I'm gonna rip away his pants and look at his dick, Okay? Ready?

Cooper: Quit.

Madame Vandersexxx: Shut up. Sorry. I know I fucked it up. Yes! You take her hair... and one strand at a time, pull it out! Use her like a humping post!

Cooper: Jenny, this is Europe. They have orange juice ads with lesbians and dildos. Show them something they haven't seen.

Amsterdam hostel concierge woman: Should a fire occur, due to our faulty wiring, or the fireworks factory upstairs, you will be incinerated, along with the valuables you have hidden in your anus.

Jenny: [''Jumping up and down topless on highway shoulder with back to camera''] Hey! Check these out! I'm eighteen-years-old!

Candy: Is it off yet?

Cooper: No, keep rubbing it.

Cooper: Reading Mieke's old emails again?

Scott: Yeah. You know, she said I might be the one? That's huge. I've never been "the one" before. Thought I was "the one" with Fiona, but turns out I was, what?

Cooper: Look, you got nothing to worry about. You'll show up and sweep her off her German feet.

Scott: Thanks. Yeah. I will, won't I?

Mieke: I'm so sad and lonely. I'm so sad and lonely. I just wish someone would show up and sweep me off my German feet.

Scott: Mieke! I'm here.

Mieke: Scotty!

Scott: About that last email. I'm so sorry...

Mieke: The past is the past. You're here now. I've been saving myself for you. Let us make love for one whole month. Touch me, Scotty.

Scott: Okay.

Mieke: [''Scott wakes up and realizes Mieke is actually Italian man''] Oh, Scott...

Italian man: [''Scott starts screaming, with Italian man and other three joining in''] Mi bello... Mi scusi!

Song lyrics: Hot stuff baby this evening. Gotta have some hot stuff. Gotta have some love tonight. Hot stuff.

Scott: Guys, our train doesn't leave till morning. Where will we sleep?

Cooper: [''Holds up flyer''; ''They stare indifferently''] What do you mean, sleep? We can sleep on the train tomorrow. This is the best that could've happened. We're in Amsterdam! This is the drug and sex capital of Europe! Take a look at this. "Club Vandersexxx. The red light district's hottest sex club." We have to check it out. Who's with me? I'll go. Fine. Since no one else is willing to go, I'll just go myself.

Madame Vandersexxx: I see. You're waiting for me

Cooper: This is definitely where I parked my car!

Madame Vandersexxx: Hello there. Welcome to Club Vandersexxx... Amsterdam's most erotic club, where your every fantasy will be fulfilled.

Cooper: Also says I get a free T-shirt with flyer.

Madame Vandersexxx: He's American. How sad for you to grow up in a country founded by prudes. A country overrun with crime and illiteracy. A country where a man is forced to make sex to only one woman at a time, and one must learn the woman's name beforehand.

Cooper: It was horrible.

Madame Vandersexxx: I know. But you can come with me... and let the Vandersexxx begin.

Song lyrics: [[w:marijuana|Marijuana] ] in my soul. Your iguana in my hall...

Scott: I can't believe we're doing this!

Jenny: [[w:Cannabis edible|Hash brownies] Don't worry. ] are totally legal here.

Bakery server: [''Lays down plate of [[w:Chocolate brownie|brownies] You're gonna enjoy these, man. These are magical!

Song lyrics: I like to smoke marijuana...

Scott: You wanna do this?

Jenny: [''They dig in''] Yeah.

Jamie: Hi.

Camera store clerk: Hi.

Jamie: I need a new battery for my camera, and while you're at it, it could use a cleaning.

Camera store clerk: [[w:Leica M6|Leica M6] Wow. Is that a ]?

Jamie: [[w:Leica M7|an M7; [w:light meter|the built-in light meter] Actually, it's ]. It's got ].

Camera store clerk: It's so beautiful. So sleek, so powerful. How's the new lens system?

Jamie: [[w:Nikon|Nikon; [w:Disposable camera|a disposable] Makes the ] look like ].

Camera store clerk: You really know your cameras. And you're very cute.

Jamie: Me? Really?

Camera store clerk: I'm going on break. I was going to step out back and have a cigarette. Would you like to join me?

Jamie: I don't smoke.

Camera store clerk: Neither do I. Hold on, hold on. What is it? This is great! You're so innocent. Let's change that... shall we? What would you like me to do?

Jamie: [[w:Advanced Placement|advanced placement classes] Well... I don't really know... I guess I really haven't done that much. I haven't really found the time, with all my extracurriculars, and model U.N., ], after-school tutor... ing!

Jamie: Ah! Gosh, you really like cameras!

Madame Vandersexxx: [[w:Safeword|the safe word] Sometimes, we find our clients are so overwhelmed with the pleasure, that they sometimes scream out, "no," when really they mean, "yes." And this is why we have ].

Cooper: The "safe word"?

Madame Vandersexxx: If at any time the ecstasy gets too great, you just use the safe word. Until we hear the safe word, we will not stop.

Cooper: Yeah, right. Stop.

Madame Vandersexxx: All right. We're going to start slowly, teasing you with a little light erotic foreplay.

Cooper: [''Girls tie Cooper to table''] Whee! Oh, yes, ladies!

Madame Vandersexxx: [''Girls disappear, curtains automatically pull away, [[w:BDSM in culture and media|lighting changes to militaristic BDSM-style and she pulls away jacket to reveal leather dress; ''Two overweight leather-clad men come in''] On, on, vandersexxx! Hans! Gruber!

Cooper: Hi. So, are the girls coming back?

Madame Vandersexxx: Administer the testicle clamps!

Cooper: Huh? What? Hey! Safe word! What is that?! That's not a word, it's a... "Fluggen-kliggin-kien?" Fluggen!

Mugger: [''Appears holding a knife''] Okay, mister, don't move!

Jamie: Excuse me?!

Mugger: Shut the hell up!

Jamie: [''To Camera store clerk''] Oh, brother! Please don't hurt me. Oh, no... you're fine. That's good. You're fine.

Mugger: Give me cash?! You got cash?!

Jamie: Take it all, you dirty girl!

Mugger: [''Gives him wallet belt''] What?! Your wallet! Focus! Give it to me!

Jamie: Oh! Oh, I love you! I love you! I love you! I looove you!

Scott: [''Jenny bursts laughing''] What's so funny?!

Jenny: [[w:Effects of cannabis#Appetite|I think I've got the munchies] I'm really hungry. ]!

Scott: Excuse me?!

Jenny: Huh?

Scott: It's hot in here! You hot?! Cause I'm really hot!

Jenny: So good!

Scott: Okay, I can't breathe! God! I'm freaking out! I think we got a bad batch cause I'm freaking out. I can't... I can't do this. I saw a gay porno once! I didn't know until halfway in! The girls never came! The girls never came! I am freaking out!

Bakery server: [''Appears''] Everything all right with you?!

Scott: [[w:Rastafari|Rastafarian] No, nothing's all right! You sold us a bad batch of hash brownies! You're a bad ]!

Bakery server: [''Camera view becomes stoic''] These are not hash brownies!

Scott: Hmm?! What was that?!

Bakery server: We do not sell hash brownies! We're a simple Dutch bakery! Now put your clothes back on, white boy!

Cooper: Ow! Ow! Ow! "Fluggengegeholen!

Madame Vandersexxx: Did you say fluggegecheimen?!

Cooper: Yes! Yes! For the love of god, fluggengecheimen!

Madame Vandersexxx: Are you sure?!

Cooper: Yes, please!

Madame Vandersexxx: [''Two burly men bring out a cartoonishly complex sex machine with four dildos repurposed from a [[w:String trimmer|weedwacker] As you wish. Bring on the fluggegecheimen!

Cooper: [''They rev the machine''; ''They lean in aiming at Cooper's rear and he screams''] Wait... what? Uh-oh. No, no, no! I didn't say fluggegecheimen, I said, uh...

Scott: What'd you do last night?

Cooper: I don't want to talk about it. What did you guys do?

Scott: Don't want to talk about it. What is that?

Cooper: Free T-shirt.

Jamie: Hey, guys!

Cooper: What happened to you?

Jamie: I got robbed. It was awesome! Our money, passports, tickets... Everything, gone!

Cooper: [''Phone rings''; ''Truck pulls over and driver leans out speaking fast colloquial German''] How the hell could this happen? We all go to Amsterdam, and Jamie's the one who hooks up! For shame! Oh, that's me. Coop here. Sorry. Hello, Mr. Walters. You never got the Gutterman file? I told Humphrey to give it to you. That's hogwash. I handed it to him myself yesterday. I'll tell Humphrey to report to your office immediately. Bye. This job's killing me.

Scott: [''In German''] Uh... Let me handle this. I speak bad German. My Deutsch is ill, but I can understand on you if the speaking is slowly.

Truck driver: [''In German''; [w:Schnapps|Schnapps; [w:Benzedrine|Benzedrine; [w:Chocolate-coated peanut|those little chocolate covered peanuts] Deutsch! I have been driving for 14 hours straight and I haven't slept in 3 days! And I am wired on ], ], and ]!

Cooper: What did he say?

Scott: He said he's driving.

Jenny: Oh.

Scott: [''In German''] Something. Do you know where Berlin is?

Truck driver: [''In German''] Berlin? Yes, I know it well. I stabbed a woman in a bar in Berlin. But I am going nowhere near Berlin.

Scott: Berlin?

Truck driver: [''In German''; [w:sexual assault|I also sexually assaulted; [w:bestiality|a horse] Berlin! ] ] in Berlin.

Scott: He's going to Berlin!

Jamie: Awesome! All right!

Jenny: Berlin!

Truck driver: [''In German''] Come on, let's go! Next stop, Berlin! I'll drive this truck off a cliff before I ever go back to Berlin.

Scott: Beautiful! We made it to Berlin.

Truck driver: [''In German''] Jah. Berlin! No one will ever find me in Bratislava.

Scott: [[w:Bratislava|Bratislava] ]?

Truck driver: Yeah. Bratislava!

Cooper: Dear sweet mother of God. We're in Eastern Europe.

Jenny: Eww!

Scott: Excuse me. Do you speak any English?

Man: You are Americans? Yeah. I love America. We just get "Miami Vice" on television. "Miami Vice" is number one new show. Yeah.

Scott: Listen, we're trying to get to Berlin, Germany. Do you know if there's a train coming anytime soon?

Man: [[w:U Can't Touch This|Stop! Hammer time] Oh, yes, very soon. They are building it now. ]! Enjoy Bratislava! It's good you came in summer. In winter, it can get very depressing.

Scott: We gotta figure something out. How much money do we have?

Jamie: Frommer's travel tip.

Jenny: I don't have anything.

Cooper: [''Fishes out spare change''; [w:United States dollar|$1.83 American] What? I got noth... fine. ].

Scott: What are we gonna get with that?

Scott: Gotta love that exchange rate!

TV commercial announcer: Ta. Hapi Djus. Teraz bez drenei.

Cooper: Hmm. Now with less pulp.

Scott: Dinner is served.

Server: Would the masters care for anything else?

Scott: [''Tips him''] Think we're good. Thanks.

Server: [''To boss''; ''Slaps his boss''] Ah! A nickel! You see this? I quit! I open my own hotel!

Scott: So, we got 27 cents left. What is there to do in this town?

Scott: This song sounds familiar.

Cooper: Jenny, lemme check your coat.

Jenny: Hey!

Cooper: Jenny! That outfit is horrible! Just take it off... now!

Jenny: No, but I will let you buy me a drink.

Cristoph: Excuse me! You are the woman from the Paris train station, aren't you? My name is... Christoph.

Jenny: Yes. What are you doing here?

Cristoph: This is my place. My family owns many nightclubs in Europe. I'd be honored if you'd join me in my V.I.P.Room for a drink.

Jenny: Mmm-kay. Bye, Cooper.

Scott: What's that?

Jamie: It's absinthe. Frommer's says it's illegal in the States because it makes you hallucinate and go crazy. They call it "the green fairy.

Cristoph: [[w:Aegean seas|the Aegean] My family has a yacht in ]. Come with me, Jennifer. We will sail away together.

Jenny: Oh, my God!

Cristoph: [[w:dolphin|dolphins; [w:champagne|sip champagne] We will swim with ], and ] by moonlight.

Jenny: Oh, my God!

Cristoph: [[w:sangri|sangria] We will spend the day sunbathing, drinking wine. My wife makes the best ].

Jenny: Wait... what?

Jenny: Sangria.

Cristoph: You take a good Spanish Rioja, and you put in slices of orange, and...

Jenny: No, wait. You said you were married? You go around Europe sleeping with every woman you meet?

Cristoph: No, please, Jennifer. It is not like that. I also sleep with men.

Jamie: I gotta say, I'm not feeling anything.

Cooper: Me neither. Sober as a judge.

Scott: How bout you?

Green Fairy hallucination: I'm not feeling a goddamn thing. This absinthe is bullshit!

Scott: [''Fist bumps the fairy''] I hear you, my brother.

Green Fairy hallucination: I'm outta here. [He flies off

Jenny: [''She grabs absinthe bottle''] Excuse me.

Cooper: Hey, so where's Christoph?

Jenny: [''Starts chugging straight from bottle''] Shut up.

Collectively: Europe! Europe! Whoo! Europe!

Cooper: [''To Scott''] So, tomorrow, Berlin. Tomorrow, Mieke!

Scott: [''Referring to Jamie making out with a woman''] Check it out. No way!

Cooper: [''The couple turns sideways to reveal the woman is Jenny''] Jamie's hooking up with another girl? Goddamn it! It's just so unfair. I've been all over, looking for crazy European sex, and he's the one who ends up...

Scott and Cooper: Oh, my God!

Green Fairy hallucination: That is some pretty fucked-up shit. Can you say, "What the fuck did I do last night?

Scott: They really are the worst twins ever.

Cooper: That was a pretty wild night, eh? Yep. Pretty wild, pretty wild. I know I was out of control. How about you guys? Did you...?

Jenny: All right, look. We were really drunk, things got a little crazy, and Jamie... kissed me. Let's just forget about it, kay?

Cooper: Consider it forgotten. Never happened. Never happened. Fine. Let's just forget about it. It's not like you two had sex. Have you had sex?

Jamie: Shut up, Cooper!

Jenny: Jamie, relax. Cooper. Please?

Cooper: [''Jamie throws the book to Cooper''; ''Jamie lunges at Cooper and starts throttling him''] Okay, okay, fine. I'll give it a rest. Jamie, could I borrow your Frommer's? Oh, here it is. Bratislava. Hmm. Capital of Slovakia. Oh, here's a fun fact. You made out with your sister, man!

Jamie: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

Cooper: Like two dogs in heat.

Miami Vice fan man: [''Pulls up in an orange [[w:Ute (vehicle)|ute; [w:Panel van|panel van; [w:Wendy's|where is the beef] ] ] hybrid vehicle] My friends, ]? You go to Berlin? I'm your ride. Hop in.

Cooper: [[w:erection|boners] So, what's the etiquette on ]? Do I roll over and dig out a hole for it, or is it cool to just let my flag fly?

Scott: Wait, wait. Does "nude beach" mean we have to get naked, too?

Cooper: Of course. Do you think you can go an hour without your currency colostomy bag?

Jamie: As long as this thing has our money and passports in it, it's not coming off, and my trunks won't come off, either.

Cooper: [''They takes off pants''] Come on. You came all the way to Europe. Can't wimp out now. Okay. All right, on the count of three. Here we go. Look at Jamie's penis!

Jamie: Very funny. Very funny.

Cooper: [''They run to beach only to realize it's all men''] All right. Let the crazy European sex odyssey begin! Here we go. Really? Yes. Mm-hmm. Hello, ladies!

Beach visitors: Ladies? Bitches?

Cooper: Eww! What a rip! There's no nude girls here, just guys like us looking for nude girls. I don't understand!

Jamie: [''Turns over a page in Frommer's with a you-should-know-better face''] Crans Sur Mer has one of the best nude beaches on the continent. However, during the summer, the European women are chased away by gawking male tourists, so Europe's most nubile exhibitionists head to the deserted beach next to the Monument des Poissonieres.

Cooper: There's so many penises.

Jamie: Frommer's tried to tell you, but you just didn't listen.

Scott: This is the biggest sausage fest on earth. It's the international house of sausage.

Jenny: Hey! Thanks for waiting.

Cooper: You're not missing anything. It's all guys.

Jenny: [''Takes off sweater and hat, starts shaking hair''] At least the sun's out.

Cooper: Holy crap!

Jenny: What? I thought this was a nude beach.

Jamie: [''Slow-motion dramatized''; ''[[w:Action film|Throws himself past Jenny in the style of an action film cliché] No...!

Jenny: Huh?

Jamie: No.

Jenny: What?! What are you doing?!

Jamie: Jenny, you gotta cover up!

Beach visitors: [''[[w:Zombie film|They all start lumbering collectively on them zombie-style] Girl? Girl! Ooh, girl. Girl... girl. Girl... girl...

Jamie: Run! I'm not gonna make it. Go on without me.

Scott: All right. See ya.

Beach visitors: Chica! Chica! Chica! Chica!

Jamie: Crans Sur Mer. We change trains here.

Cooper: Well, we got a couple of hours to kill. What's there to see in this town?

Jamie: Hello? The Monument des Poissonieres. It's a monument to all the local fishermen who were lost at sea. Frommer's says it's supposed to be..."quite moving.

Cooper: [[w:C-3PO|C-3PO] What the hell is wrong with you, ]? We're here to see Europe, not some crappy statue. I'm taking a nap. Wake me up when the train gets here.

Jenny: [[w:nude beach|nude beach] Hmm. Says here this town has a famous ].

Cooper: All right, we can't all just lie around all day. We gotta experience the culture firsthand. Let's go exploring!

Cooper: What? You gotta admit, it's a really catchy tune.

Scott: You know, there are a lot of other empty compartments.

Italian man: [''Train goes through tunnel and emerges with the man got his hand on Jamie's knee who looks down at his hand who points to it with an open hand''; ''Jamie and Cooper rush to other seat side but Jamie is pushed away, man pats Jamie's seat spot''; ''Train goes through tunnel and emerges with man massaging Jamie's shoulders''] Huh? Ah! Si, si. Pardon me. Eh? Ohhh... Scusi. Mi scusi. Hi. Buongiorno.

Jamie: What the hell are you doing?!

Italian man: Mi scusi, mi scusi.

Jamie: No! No, no, no!

Scott: Uh-oh.

Jamie: What?!

Scott: Big tunnel!

Jamie: Who's touching me?! Scotty, is that you?! Who's touching me?! Scotty! Oh!

Italian man: [''Man is thrown out of compartment and his pants thrown out after who picks it up and walks away''] Mi Scusi. Buongiorno.

Jamie: [''Takes train tickets''; ''Puts it in [[w:money belt|money belt] Better let me hold on to those.

Cooper: What the hell is that?

Jamie: [[w:Frommer's|Frommer's] It's a traveler's money belt. ] says if you have one of these, no one can rob you of anything.

Cooper: Except your dignity.

Jamie: No, you just put that in your... wait, what?

Cooper: Come on, guidebook. Let's go.

Cooper: [''Becomes transfixed on woman bending over at vending machine''; ''Woman turns around and it's Jenny''] Check it out. European ass.

Jenny: What's up?

Cooper: Jesus, Jenny. I thought you were some... girl. Come on. Platform 4.

Jenny: Thanks.

Jenny: [''Can shoots out machine and rolls along floor''] Damn!

Christoph: [''He catches the can''] I believe this is yours. Pleased to meet you. My name is Christoph.

Cooper: Jenny, let's go! Move it!

Jenny: Those are my friends. We're supposed to go to Berlin...

Cooper: Jenny!

Jenny: I'm coming!

Christoph: So, it was really nice to meet you. The pleasure was all mine.

Jenny: Jennifer.

Scott: I'm never drinking again. Coop, wake up.

Cooper: Oh, man, that was a wild night.

Scott: You think?

Cooper: Scotty, where the hell are we going?

Scott: Don't worry. If anything bad happens, my parents will find us.

Scott's mother: Honey, where's Scotty?

Scott's father: Cooper said they were going camping.

Scott's mother: Oh, that's nice. And where's Bert?

Scott's father: Fuck if I know.

Mad Maynard: [[w:Geopolitics|given the current geopolitical climate; [w:European Parliament|all European countries should have a seat at the table] Hey! How are you, you scalawag! Look, ], ].

Cooper: Right.

Mad Maynard: [[w:Italian people|those fucking Ities] Except ]. I hate them Italian bastards. You know what I mean?

Scott: Excuse me.

Mad Maynard: Hello, boyo!

Scott: What the hell happened last night?

Mad Maynard: You got steamed up, pissed as a fart. Too much sauce, son! Don't worry. We come and got ya, so you wouldn't miss the trip.

Scott: What trip? Where are we going? What do you mean, where are we going?

Mad Maynard: [''All hooligans break out in cheers''] We're going to see the Mighty Reds do the frogs in Paris. Aren't we, boys? Yeah!

Cooper: [''To hooligan''] Why are you yelling at me?

Cecil: [''[[w:Manchester dialect|With heavy Mancunian accent] So I tell the swamp donkey to sock it before I give her a trunky in the tradesman's entrance and have her lick me yardballs!

Cooper: Wow. You guys are on a completely different level of swearing over here.

Scott: Coop? Cooper, we're going to Paris!

Cooper: I know. Cecil told me.

Scott: Mieke's in Berlin.

Cooper: We're not going to Berlin.

Scott: What are we gonna do? We need a plan.

Cooper: See what I'm talking about? This is predictable Scotty talking. Relax. Paris is practically a suburb of Berlin. It's a nothing commute.

Scott: [[w:French-German relations|That's why France and Germany have always been allies] ].

Hooligan: Aye, allies.

Scott: The twins. The twins are in Paris, right? We can call them. They could help. Let me see your phone.

Cooper: [''Scott snatches the phone''] Okay, but I'm only supposed to use this for business calls. Hey, don't...

Mad Maynard: [''Spots a supporter of the rival team''; ''All the hooligans charge after the man''] Hey, lads! That wanker's got a frog football shirt on! Let's give this nancy a fucking good kicking! Come on, lads, he's going off!

Scott: [''Spots them''] All right. Twins said they'd meet us here. Look at that! There they are. Come on. Jenny! Jamie! Hey! Come here!

Jenny: No, no. No, no, no! Scott, bienvenue a Paris!

Scott: Thank you.

Cooper: Is that a new camera?

Jamie: It isn't just a camera, this is a Leica M. Uber-sensitive exposure settings, legendary cloth shutter system.

Cooper: Let me see that thing.

Jamie: [[w:Lacrosse|I spent four years tutoring lacrosse players] No can do. ] to pay for it, so nobody touches my camera but me.

Cooper: [[w:Human penis|your wiener] It's like ].

Jamie: No, it's not... Jenny...

Jenny: Cooper, leave him alone. Wow, I can't believe you came all the way to Europe for a girl.

Cooper: Wait, not just any girl. Show her the picture, Scotty. She makes girls in our high school look like walruses.

Jenny: I'm a girl from your high school.

Cooper: No, I mean "girl" girls.

Scott: [[w:Louvre|the Louvre] Guys, we're wasting the whole day here. We're in Paris! Let's go to ]!

In unison: To the Louvre!

Cooper: [[w:Eiffel Tower|the Eiffel Tower] So, you guys wanna stay here, or should we check out the huge line at ]?

Jamie: [[w:Voltaire|Voltaire; [w:syphilis|syphilis] Here's a fun fact. ] contracted ] two blocks from here. Should we go?

Cooper: Can we please get out of here? This guy's really creeping me out.

Scott: Who, robot man? He's just trying to feed his robot family.

Cooper: I really don't like him.

Scott: Why? Because he's doing this?

Cooper: Okay, seriously, don't do that. Cooper. Do not hate me.

Scott: [''Robotman pushes him''] I am familiar with over 600 dance moves and I am programmed to get... freaky. You're just upset because people like me better. It's okay. Oh!

Jenny: Fight! Fight!

Cooper: Break the leg shot!

Scott: Ha! Ha! Ha!

Jamie: Don't look in his eyes, Scotty.

Scott's friends: Ohhh! That was not cool. Oh!

Scott: Guys, let's go. Come on.

Robotman: Error! Error! Error!

Scott: How cool is this? It's a shame we only get to spend one day together. Why don't you come to Berlin?

Jamie: Umm, no.

Scott: [[w:Denmark|Denmark] Jamie, come on. In a few months, we go to different colleges. This could be the last chance the four of us are together like this. Plus, we're in Europe. Huh? This should be the trip of a lifetime. There's no way we should split up. All right, this table is now Europe, Okay? Excuse me. We are right here, in Paris, and I have got to get to Mieke, who is over here, in Berlin. If you come with us, I'm sure there's a ton of great stuff to see along the way. We can go to ].

Jenny: I love Denmark.

Cooper: [[w:Amsterdam|Amsterdam] We gotta hit ].

Scott: Definitely.

Jamie: [[w:Camaret|the cathedral at Cameret] And ]!

Scott: Yeah... Maybe. We'll see.

Cooper: Whatever.

Scott: If there's time. Come on! I really want you to be there when I meet Mieke.

Cooper: Fine.

Scott: Excellent! All right! A toast!

Cooper: Yes!

Scott: To Mieke! To Europe!

In unison: To Europe! Merci. Berlin, here we come! All right.

Jenny: What's up, losers?

Scott: What's up, Jenny?

Jenny: What's up, dude? Sorry to hear about Fiona. She's a whore.

Scott: That's very sweet of you. Thanks.

Cooper: [[w:statutory rape|There's gotta be 100 drunk girls. We should try to have sex with every one of 'em] Enough Fiona talk. Look around. ].

Jenny: Hello? Mixed company?

Cooper: What?

Jenny: I'm a girl!

Cooper: No, you're not! You're just a cool guy with long hair! So, where's your evil twin brother?

Jamie: Jenny!

Cooper: There he is. Hey, Jamie. In fine form, I see.

Jenny: Why'd you get me gin and tonic? I hate gin.

Cooper: You do? You guys are the worst twins ever!

Scott: When are you guys taking off?

Jenny: Tomorrow morning.

Scott: [''To Wade tied up at a tree''] Hey, Wade! Great party, buddy!

Jenny: Man, I am so excited! A whole summer, backpacking around Europe. You should've come with us instead of working for Dr. Dad, Scotty! It's gonna be so awesome!

Jamie: Yeah. I planned every detail of the trip to maximize the fun!

Cooper: You brought a guidebook to a party?

Jamie: Do you wanna see my itinerary?

Cooper: [[w:exhibitionism|Do you wanna see my balls?] ]

Scott: You guys decide where you're gonna go first?

Jenny: [[w:Paris|Paris] ]! I can't wait.

Scott: So, have you guys decided where you wanna go first?

Jenny: [[w:Mediterranean sea|Mediterranean] Paris! I heard two years ago, Nicky Jager's sister, Debbie, met this wealthy French guy, and spent a month sailing the ] on his yacht. Isn't that just the most romantic thing you've ever heard?

Cooper: [[w:homophobia|That sounds a little gay] Stuck on a boat with a weird French guy? ].

Jenny: It's not gay. I'm a girl.

Scott: Kinda gay.

Cooper: A little gay. I gotta piss like a pregnant woman.