T

Trevor Fehrman Quotes

Actor

Memorable Quotes from Trevor Fehrman

9 quotes
Clerks II
Choices and Relationships Discussed in Conversation
Elias I've turned down ] left and right!
[[women|chicks]
Randal Your chicks are your left and right.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Clerks II
Elias Questions the Value of an Object
Elias What's ] than an elf princess's sword?
[[w:Sexual fetishism|sexier]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Clerks II
Acceptance of Loneliness in Relationships
Elias Randal. ].
[[w:One Ring|One ring to rule them all]
Randal And you wonder why no chick'll let ].
[[w:Peṅetrạtịoṅ|you stick your cock in her]
Elias I never wondered that.
Randal Yeah, cause you've accepted the fact that you'll never get a chick a long time ago.
Elias I could get a chick if I wanted.
Randal Who are you kidding? You can't get a chick, you mook. You're too weird and sad.
[''Laughs'']
Elias I turn down chicks left and right.
Randal Your chicks are your "left" and "right." Yeah, right.
Elias What do you know?
Randal Uh, I know you're a huge fuck nerd of ] proportions, and no chicks dig nerds, especially nerds that are into ].
[[w:Potsie Weber|Potsie-like; [w:The Lord of the Rings|Lord of the Rings]
Elias Chicks dig Lord of the Rings, Randal.
[''Laughs quietly'']
Randal Yeah. The kind of chicks that are into swords and elves and shit, and I wouldn't fuck them with ].
[[w:Gondor#Minas Tirith|the Torch of Gondor]
Elias Oh, you're so gross!
[''A customer approaches Elias at the counter'']
Hobbit Fan Hey, man.
[''Elias changes hats before taking the customer's order'']
Elias Welcome to Mooby's. May I take your order?
Hobbit Fan Yeah, um... see... give me one Udderly Delicious Moolkshake, a Skinny Calf, and an order of onion rings. Thanks.
[''Elias keys in the order'']
Elias ].
[''Holds up onion ring''; [w:One Ring|One ring to rule them all; ''Surprised look on the customer's face'']
Hobbit Fan One ring to find them.
Randal Oh, Jesus.
[''Elias pulls out his ring hanging on his necklace'']
Elias One ring to bring them all.
Hobbit Fan And in the darkness, bind them.
[''Customer pulls out his ring from his pocket'']
Elias Yes!
Hobbit Fan Dude!
[''Exchanges high-five with customer'']
Elias How many times?
Hobbit Fan Well, um, three for ], two for ], four for ].
[[w:The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Rịṇgs|Fellowship; [w:The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers|Towers; [w:The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King|Return]
Elias Five for Return.
[''Randal walks by them'']
Randal All right, look... there's only one Return, okay? And it ain't of the King, ].
[[w:Return of the Jedi|it's of the Jedi]
Hobbit Fan Oh... ] geek.
[''motions to Randal''; [w:Star Wars|Stạr Wạrs]
Randal Oh, I'm the geek? Look at you two whipping out ].
[[w:Gollum|your "preciouses"]
Elias You'll have to excuse him. He's not down with the trilogy.
Randal Oh, what the fuck happened to this world? There's only one trilogy, you fucking morons.
Hobbit fan You know what? Maybe we should start calling ], because he loves ] so much, right? Hey - Danger! Danger! My name is Anakin! My shitty acting is ruining saga!
[[w:Padmé Amidala|your friend "Padme"; [w:Luke Skywalker|Mannequin Skywalker; ''[[w:Mr. Roboto|impersonating a robot]
Elias Yeah, you're crazy, ]!
[[w:Jar Jar Binks|Jar Jar Bịṇks]
Randal I'm crazy? ]. Three movies of people walking through a fucking volcano. Here's the first movie... And here's the second movie...
[[w:The Lord of the Rings (film series)〉#Critical and public responses|Those fucking Hobbit movies were boring as hell. All it was just a bunch of people walking; ''Jumps off the counter and walks slowly with his mouth open before walking back to the counter''; ''does the same walk, except that midway, he sidesteps to the left and looks down before walking back to the counter'']
Hobbit Fan He is way off. Loser.
Randal You ready for the third movie?
[''Does the same walk, but stops, looks down, pretends to pull a ring from his finger, drops it, shrugs and turns around with two eating customers watching him'']
Customer A Fucking A.
[''Nods head'']
Randal Even ] in those movies.
[[w:Ents|the fucking trees walked]
Hobbit Fan You know what? I've had enough of you. Your simplistic analysis of the trilogy aside, The Lord of the Rings was a massive achievement. And even ] that they gave ] ] ] has never, and will never, win. Bones.
[[w:Academy of Motion Picture Arts Sciences|the Academy recognized them; [w:Peter Jackson|Peter Jackson; [w:Academy Award for Best Director|the Best Directing Oscar - an award; [w:George Lucas|your little friend George "Toy Boy" Lucas; ''Exchanges fist salute with Elias'']
Elias Oh, sick burn.
Randal Let me tell you something. If Peter Jackson really wanted to blow me away with those Rings movies, he would've ended the third one on a logical closure point. Not the 25 endings that followed.
Elias What's the logical closure point?
Hobbit Fan Yeah, friend. Enlighten us.
Randal When fucking ] wakes up from his little coma or whatever and ] are jumping up and down on his bed. And ] leans in the doorway and gives him that very fucking gay look.
[[w:Frodo Baggins|Frodo; [w:Hobbịts|the little Hobbits; [w:Samwise Gamgee|Sam]
Elias Not the Rings Randal. Say what you will about Jesus, but leave the Rings out of this.
Hobbit Fan I ought to kick your ass back to the shire if you don't shut your fucking mouth.
Randal That look was so gay, I thought Sam was gonna tell the little hobbits to take a walk, so he could saunter over to Frodo and suck his fucking cock. Now that would've been an Academy Award-worthy ending.
Hobbit Fan Hey! Faggot! They're not gay! They're Hobbits.
Randal And then right after ], right before the credits roll, Sam fucking ].
[[w:69 (sex position)|the Sam/Frodo suck-fest; [w:Corprophilia|flat-out bricks in Frodo's mouth]
Hobbit Fan I swear... fuck you...!
[''Hobbit fan suddenly vomits, Randal runs to the manager's office, laughing to Dante and Becky'']
Randal I made fun of The Lord of the Rings so hard, it made some super geek puke all over the counter. Where do we keep the mop and bucket so I can have Elias clean it up?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Clerks II
Conflict over fryer responsibilities in fast food
Elias I don't think these look right.
[''Removing a smoking black basket of fries'']
Randal Graves Jesus! Step away from the fryer before you burn us all alive!
Elias It's not my fault you abandoned your post!
Randal Graves Was it too much to ask that you handle the fries? The machine does all the work! What, does a machine gotta transform into some giant fuckin robot before you'll take it seriously?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Clerks II
Debate on Robots and Beliefs
Randal Dude, ] sucked.
[[w:Transformers|The Transformers]
Elias Oh, no they didn't. They were more than meets the eye. They could beat the pants off ] any day.
[[w:Kevin Smith's unrealized projects#Danger Ranger and the Danger Rangers|Ranger Danger]
Randal Yeah, I'll lose sleep wondering whether you're right about that or not. Thought you weren't allowed to watch a lot of ] in your house ].
[[w:Television|TV; [w:Christian fundamentalism|'cause you're all Christian and shit]
Elias Well, as it turns out, cars and trucks that turn into robots aren't really that blasphemous because my pastor says that machines can turn into other machines and it's not ].
[[w:Blasphemy|a slight against God]
Randal Dude, the Transformers were a total slight against God, in as much as God sent His only begotten Son to die on the cross to redeem mankind and all we did to pay Him back was make terrible fucking cartoons like the Transformers.
Elias Nice shot. Well, see... ạt Bible Camp, we made a flow chart. ], Randal!
[''Pause''; [w:Creationism|Since God created man, and man created the Transformers, the Transformers are like a gift from God]
Randal No sir. They are not a gift from God. ].
[[w:Satanism|They are an unholy curse from the beast we call the Desolate One; ''Voice deepens, walks slowly towards Elias'']
Elias I really don't wanna hear this, Randal.
[''Reaches for head phones trying to ignore Randal'']
Randal The first of the fallen. The spoiler of virgins. The MASTER of ]!.
[[w:abortion|abortions]
Elias You know I don't like to talk about dark forces, Randal!
[''Puts on the head phones'']
Randal Let me help you out of your chair, Grandma! Grandma!
[''Grabbing drive-thru microphone and singing'']
Jay Grandma what was it like?! To be on that holiday site!
[''Shows up in window'']
Randal Late that night--
Jay I awoke from my sleep! Hearing!
Jay & Randal Unknown! Voices! Laughing insane!
[''Pushing Elias back and forth between Randal and Jay'']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Clerks II
Confrontation Over Racial Slurs in Clerks II
Randal I don't mind people snickering at the stupid uniform I've got to wear. But I'll be damned if I'm gonna let some self-righteous, lucky turd come in here and treat me and Dante like we're a couple of fucking ].
[[w:List of ethnic slurs|porch monkeys]
Dante Randal! Uh, I'm- I'm sorry.
[''To black female patron'']
Black female patron He... He didn't really just say what I think he said.
Randal What? Porch monkeys?
Dante Randal!
Becky What the fuck is wrong with you?!
Black female patron I want my money back right now.
Becky Of course. Um, you know what? Here, take this on us.
Black female patron Oh, no, no, no. I'm not eating something that was cooked by some cracker-ass hate-monger.
Black female patron's husband I will. Baby, you can't taste racism.
Randal What racism? Porch monkeys?!
Black female patron You little mother...
Black female patron's husband Calm down, champ. It ain't worth it.
Black female patron You're lucky my husband doesn't jump across this counter and knock your teeth in.
Randal Why?
Black female patron's husband Yeah, baby, why? I mean, ain't like he called us porch monkeys. Hey, hey! Baby, stop hitting on me! See, the judge told you about that. You got to stop putting your hands on people.
[''Wife starts slapping him'']
Becky Here, take this. This is your money. Please, take the food on us. We're sorry.
Black female patron Oh, uh-uh. I'm gonna write to the paper about this, and all y'all getting fired up in here. Jesus!
Black female patron's husband I'm gonna take the food. Thank you very much. Damn! Fuck porch monkey...
[''Wife throws it on ground'']
Becky Thanks. Come again.
Black female patron's husband Don't leave me, baby!
Becky Are you out of your fucking mind?!
Randal What?! What's the big deal? Since when is it a crime to say porch monkey?
Becky Oh, since, I don't know, ]?!
[[forever]
Randal Why?
Dante Because porch monkey is a racial slur against ]!
[[black people]
Randal No, it's not; ] is.
[[w:Nigger|nigger]
Dante Randal!
[''Horrified'']
Elias Did Mr. Randal just call Mr. Dante a nigger?
Becky Shut up, Elias!
Randal I didn't just call Dante a nigger, I just said that nigger is a racial slur.
Dante So is porch monkey!
Randal Oh, it is not! Coon, spook, spade, moolie, jigaboo, nig-nog; those are racial slurs. Porch monkey is not.
Becky I'm going to pretend that this conversation didn't happen. Elias, go pick up that fucking mess. And you are this close to getting shit-canned! Shoot me now!
[''points at Randal''; ''storms off'']
Dante What are you doing? Are you trying to get fired?
Randal Since when did porch monkey become a racial slur?
Dante When ignorant racists started using it 100 years ago!
Randal Oh, bullshit. My grandmother used to call me a porch monkey all the time when I was a kid because I'd sit on the porch and stare at my neighbors.
Dante Despite the fact that your grandmother used it as a ] for you, it's still a racial slur. It would be like your grandmother calling you a little kike.
[[w:Affection|term of endearment]
Randal Oh, it is not. Besides, my grandmother had nothing but the utmost respect for the ] community. She used to tell me to always be nice to the Jewish kids, or ].
[[Jewish; [w:Antisemitism|they'd put the sheenie curse on me]
Dante WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?!
Randal What?
Dante Sheenie is a racial slur, too!
Randal Oh, it is not!
Dante Yes, it is!
Randal Well, she never called any Jews sheenies, she just said "sheenie curse" a lot. It was cute.
Dante It wasn't cute, it was racist!
Randal I disagree, man. She was just an old-timer. That's the way people talked back then. It didn't mean they were racists. But my grandmother did refer to a broken beer bottle once as a nigger knife. You know, come to think of it, my grandmother was kind of a racist.
[''thinks for a moment''; ''Dante is flabbergasted'']
Dante You think?!
Randal Well, I still don't think that porch monkey should be considered a racial term. I've always used it to describe lazy people, not lazy black people. I think if we really tried, we could take back porch monkey and save it.
Dante It can't be saved, Randal. The sole purpose for its creation, the only reason it exists in the first place, is to disparage an entire race. And even if it could be saved, you couldn't save it because you're not black!
[''Fed up'']
Randal Well, listen to you--telling me I can't do something because of the color of my skin. You're the racist, man!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Clerks II
Elias on Transformers as a divine gift
Elias ], we ]. Since ] created ], and man created the ], the Transformers are like a gift from God, Randal!
[[w:Summer ċạmp|At Bible Camp; [w:ḟlow ċhạrt|made a flow chart; [God; [man; [Transformers]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Clerks II
The Internet's Role in Curiosity and Exploration
Dante Well, I don't know about this, Randal. I mean, how do we know this isn't a hoax? Like, were there any pictures on the Web site?
Randal Strangely, no. But if you've seen pics of one chick sucking off a donkey, you've seen them all.
Dante Well, what if you haven't ever seen pics of anything like that?
Randal Well, then you must be as blind as Anne Frank. Cause what's the point in having an Internet connection if you're not using it to look at weird, fucked-up pictures of dirty sex you'll never have yourself?
Randal Holy shit. You know, I've never pieced this together until right now. You're a virgin, aren't you?
Elias You know I have a girlfriend, Randal.
Randal Oh, yeah. What's her name again?
Elias Myra Hodgkiss.
Randal You made her up, didn't you? That name sounds so made-up.
Elias No.
Randal Seriously, Elias, have you and Myra had sex yet?
Elias Well, that's just kind of personal, Randal.
Randal Come on! I tell you about my sex life all the time. I let you smell my fingers after I fucked Taton Weathers kid sister in the office that one time, didn't I?
Elias You kind of made me smell your fingers.
Randal Maybe you just don't like the pussy. Maybe you're all about the cock.
Elias No, no, I like the pussy.
Randal So come on. Did Myra ever give you a crack at her crack or what?
Elias Well, not that it's any of your business, Randal, but she can't.
Randal Why? Jesus, Elias, come on. You got to start trusting me more. Because once Dante's gone, you're gonna be my new best friend.
Elias No, I'm not.
Randal Who the fuck else am I gonna hang out with? It's gonna be you and me, buddy. So come on. You got to start trusting me more. Open up and tell me shit. Like why haven't you fucked Myra yet?
Elias Well, we can't because of Pillow Pants.
[Sighs]
Randal What the fuck's Pillow Pants?
Elias Pillow Pants is a little troll who lives in her pussy. Pillow Pants is her pussy troll. Duh. You know how every girl's parents put a pussy troll in them when the girls are young to keep them from having premarital sex?
Randal Sure.
Elias Well, Myra's is named Pillow Pants. And so, even though she totally wants to have sex with me, Myra says if I put my thing in her, Pillow Pants will bite it off. So I got to wait until Pillow Pants gets peed out of her body on her 21st birthday before we can have sex.
Randal And Myra told you this?
Elias Boyfriends and girlfriends talk to each other about sex stuff, Randal. You'd know this if you ever had a girlfriend.
Randal Have you and Myra even kissed yet?
Elias We would have already, if it wasn't for Lister Fiend.
Randal Lister Fiend is her mouth troll, isn't it?
Elias Women.
Randal I'll be right back.
Randal You are never gonna believe what Elias just told me.
Dante Look who it is, Randal.
[''Motions head to front'']
Lance Randal Graves. You work here, too? Jesus. Anyone else from our graduating class back there?
Randal Well, well, well... Pickle Fuck.
Lance Man, look at you two fun-ployees. Nothing's changed. You know, I'll bet dollars to donuts, when you two aren't fighting about who shit first, Han or Greedo, you can still muster up enough energy to make fun of other people.
Randal Yeah. So hurry up and order and get out of here, so we can make fun of you.
Lance Oh, I don't know if you're in a position to make fun of anyone anymore, Graves. flipping burgers? Before that, I'd heard it was the Quick Stop for, what, like, ten years?
Randal We can't all be Internet millionaires.
Elias Who's an Internet millionaire?
Randal Elias, this is Lance Dowds. We went to high school together. A few years ago, he built a search engine which compiles the lowest prices of merchandise you can buy online. You might have heard of it... MadDucketts.com.
Elias Didn't that just ]?
[[w:Ạmạzoṇ 〈ċompạṇy〉|sell to Amazon for, like, 20 million bucks]
Randal Yeah, but back before he was the Mad Ducketts guy, he was just Pickle fuck. You see, freshman year, the seniors would hunt us down and put us through what they called initiations. They'd stuff us into lockers or throw us in the girls shower room naked. But Lance here got the worst of it. The seniors yanked down his pants, and shoved a pickle up his ass, and made him walk ten feet. The pickle fell out before he hit the ten-foot mark. He had to take a bite of it, reinsert it and walk again.
Elias Ew...
Randal Yeah, but don't worry... he made it. His pickle was small enough to stay wedged after only four bites.
Lance I'll bet you're the only guy in the world who still remembers that, Graves.
Randal Oh, I bet you still remember it pretty vividly... Pickle fucker.
Elias ].
[[w:Fandom (website)|Do you have any interest in building the ultimate fan site for both The Lord of the Rings and The Transformers? Because I'd moderate it for free]
Randal Ease up, Pillow Pants. The dude's not into your ], ] bullshit.
[[w:Dungeons & Dragons|D&D; [w:GoBots|GoBots]
Lance Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't insult the guy. The GoBots are like the ] of ].
[[W:Kmart|Kmart; [w:The Transformers|Transformers]
Elias Thank you! I keep telling them that.
Lance Here, ]. Drop me a line with some of your ideas.
[[w:Email|here's my e-mail address]
Elias Cool.
Lance Okay, let's see. What do I want? Uh... how about a Skinny Calf with cheese and a Diet Coke?
Randal I'll get your order. Here you go.
[''Puts dead flies burger, puts urinal ice in drink and hands order to Lance'']
Lance Well, that was fast.
Randal And fresh.
Lance Thanks.
Randal Come again.
Jay-Jay Yo, let's wrap this up so I can get my Cow Tipper on.
[''Enters'']
Lance You know what? Take mine. Something tells me I'm not gonna like it, am I?
[''Hands order to Jay-Jay''; ''To Randal'']
Jay-Jay Wow, thanks, Pickle fucker. Yo, so Pickle fuck gave us free eats!
[''Takes order from Lance''; ''Leaves'']
Lance You know, I don't eat fast food. It's not good for you. But when I heard you guys were actually working here, well, I just had to see it for myself. It's kind of nice having that kind of free time. Just like it's kind of comforting to know that some things never change. Take care, clerks. Ooh, sick burn.
[''Imitates guns''; ''Chuckles and leaves'']
Randal Fuck this. Let me borrow your car.
Dante You're supposed to be working.
Randal I got to get out of here for a few minutes.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Clerks II
Concern About a Hiney Troll
Elias I hope that ] doesn't have a hiney troll.
[[donkey]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.