Trevor FehrmanQuotes

Randal: [[w:List of ethnic slurs|porch monkeys] I don't mind people snickering at the stupid uniform I've got to wear. But I'll be damned if I'm gonna let some self-righteous, lucky turd come in here and treat me and Dante like we're a couple of fucking ].

Dante: [''To black female patron''] Randal! Uh, I'm- I'm sorry.

Black female patron: He... He didn't really just say what I think he said.

Randal: What? Porch monkeys?

Dante: Randal!

Becky: What the fuck is wrong with you?!

Black female patron: I want my money back right now.

Becky: Of course. Um, you know what? Here, take this on us.

Black female patron: Oh, no, no, no. I'm not eating something that was cooked by some cracker-ass hate-monger.

Black female patron's husband: I will. Baby, you can't taste racism.

Randal: What racism? Porch monkeys?!

Black female patron: You little mother...

Black female patron's husband: Calm down, champ. It ain't worth it.

Black female patron: You're lucky my husband doesn't jump across this counter and knock your teeth in.

Randal: Why?

Black female patron's husband: [''Wife starts slapping him''] Yeah, baby, why? I mean, ain't like he called us porch monkeys. Hey, hey! Baby, stop hitting on me! See, the judge told you about that. You got to stop putting your hands on people.

Becky: Here, take this. This is your money. Please, take the food on us. We're sorry.

Black female patron: Oh, uh-uh. I'm gonna write to the paper about this, and all y'all getting fired up in here. Jesus!

Black female patron's husband: [''Wife throws it on ground''] I'm gonna take the food. Thank you very much. Damn! Fuck porch monkey...

Becky: Thanks. Come again.

Black female patron's husband: Don't leave me, baby!

Becky: Are you out of your fucking mind?!

Randal: What?! What's the big deal? Since when is it a crime to say porch monkey?

Becky: [[forever] Oh, since, I don't know, ]?!

Randal: Why?

Dante: [[black people] Because porch monkey is a racial slur against ]!

Randal: [[w:Nigger|nigger] No, it's not; ] is.

Dante: [''Horrified''] Randal!

Elias: Did Mr. Randal just call Mr. Dante a nigger?

Becky: Shut up, Elias!

Randal: I didn't just call Dante a nigger, I just said that nigger is a racial slur.

Dante: So is porch monkey!

Randal: Oh, it is not! Coon, spook, spade, moolie, jigaboo, nig-nog; those are racial slurs. Porch monkey is not.

Becky: [''points at Randal''; ''storms off''] I'm going to pretend that this conversation didn't happen. Elias, go pick up that fucking mess. And you are this close to getting shit-canned! Shoot me now!

Dante: What are you doing? Are you trying to get fired?

Randal: Since when did porch monkey become a racial slur?

Dante: When ignorant racists started using it 100 years ago!

Randal: Oh, bullshit. My grandmother used to call me a porch monkey all the time when I was a kid because I'd sit on the porch and stare at my neighbors.

Dante: [[w:Affection|term of endearment] Despite the fact that your grandmother used it as a ] for you, it's still a racial slur. It would be like your grandmother calling you a little kike.

Randal: [[Jewish; [w:Antisemitism|they'd put the sheenie curse on me] Oh, it is not. Besides, my grandmother had nothing but the utmost respect for the ] community. She used to tell me to always be nice to the Jewish kids, or ].

Dante: WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?!

Randal: What?

Dante: Sheenie is a racial slur, too!

Randal: Oh, it is not!

Dante: Yes, it is!

Randal: Well, she never called any Jews sheenies, she just said "sheenie curse" a lot. It was cute.

Dante: It wasn't cute, it was racist!

Randal: [''thinks for a moment''; ''Dante is flabbergasted''] I disagree, man. She was just an old-timer. That's the way people talked back then. It didn't mean they were racists. But my grandmother did refer to a broken beer bottle once as a nigger knife. You know, come to think of it, my grandmother was kind of a racist.

Dante: You think?!

Randal: Well, I still don't think that porch monkey should be considered a racial term. I've always used it to describe lazy people, not lazy black people. I think if we really tried, we could take back porch monkey and save it.

Dante: [''Fed up''] It can't be saved, Randal. The sole purpose for its creation, the only reason it exists in the first place, is to disparage an entire race. And even if it could be saved, you couldn't save it because you're not black!

Randal: Well, listen to you--telling me I can't do something because of the color of my skin. You're the racist, man!

Elias: [''Removing a smoking black basket of fries''] I don't think these look right.

Randal Graves: Jesus! Step away from the fryer before you burn us all alive!

Elias: It's not my fault you abandoned your post!

Randal Graves: Was it too much to ask that you handle the fries? The machine does all the work! What, does a machine gotta transform into some giant fuckin robot before you'll take it seriously?

Dante: Well, I don't know about this, Randal. I mean, how do we know this isn't a hoax? Like, were there any pictures on the Web site?

Randal: Strangely, no. But if you've seen pics of one chick sucking off a donkey, you've seen them all.

Dante: Well, what if you haven't ever seen pics of anything like that?

Randal: Well, then you must be as blind as Anne Frank. Cause what's the point in having an Internet connection if you're not using it to look at weird, fucked-up pictures of dirty sex you'll never have yourself?

Randal: Holy shit. You know, I've never pieced this together until right now. You're a virgin, aren't you?

Elias: You know I have a girlfriend, Randal.

Randal: Oh, yeah. What's her name again?

Elias: Myra Hodgkiss.

Randal: You made her up, didn't you? That name sounds so made-up.

Elias: No.

Randal: Seriously, Elias, have you and Myra had sex yet?

Elias: Well, that's just kind of personal, Randal.

Randal: Come on! I tell you about my sex life all the time. I let you smell my fingers after I fucked Taton Weathers kid sister in the office that one time, didn't I?

Elias: You kind of made me smell your fingers.

Randal: Maybe you just don't like the pussy. Maybe you're all about the cock.

Elias: No, no, I like the pussy.

Randal: So come on. Did Myra ever give you a crack at her crack or what?

Elias: Well, not that it's any of your business, Randal, but she can't.

Randal: Why? Jesus, Elias, come on. You got to start trusting me more. Because once Dante's gone, you're gonna be my new best friend.

Elias: No, I'm not.

Randal: Who the fuck else am I gonna hang out with? It's gonna be you and me, buddy. So come on. You got to start trusting me more. Open up and tell me shit. Like why haven't you fucked Myra yet?

Elias: [Sighs] Well, we can't because of Pillow Pants.

Randal: What the fuck's Pillow Pants?

Elias: Pillow Pants is a little troll who lives in her pussy. Pillow Pants is her pussy troll. Duh. You know how every girl's parents put a pussy troll in them when the girls are young to keep them from having premarital sex?

Randal: Sure.

Elias: Well, Myra's is named Pillow Pants. And so, even though she totally wants to have sex with me, Myra says if I put my thing in her, Pillow Pants will bite it off. So I got to wait until Pillow Pants gets peed out of her body on her 21st birthday before we can have sex.

Randal: And Myra told you this?

Elias: Boyfriends and girlfriends talk to each other about sex stuff, Randal. You'd know this if you ever had a girlfriend.

Randal: Have you and Myra even kissed yet?

Elias: We would have already, if it wasn't for Lister Fiend.

Randal: Lister Fiend is her mouth troll, isn't it?

Elias: Women.

Randal: I'll be right back.

Randal: You are never gonna believe what Elias just told me.

Dante: [''Motions head to front''] Look who it is, Randal.

Lance: Randal Graves. You work here, too? Jesus. Anyone else from our graduating class back there?

Randal: Well, well, well... Pickle Fuck.

Lance: Man, look at you two fun-ployees. Nothing's changed. You know, I'll bet dollars to donuts, when you two aren't fighting about who shit first, Han or Greedo, you can still muster up enough energy to make fun of other people.

Randal: Yeah. So hurry up and order and get out of here, so we can make fun of you.

Lance: Oh, I don't know if you're in a position to make fun of anyone anymore, Graves. flipping burgers? Before that, I'd heard it was the Quick Stop for, what, like, ten years?

Randal: We can't all be Internet millionaires.

Elias: Who's an Internet millionaire?

Randal: Elias, this is Lance Dowds. We went to high school together. A few years ago, he built a search engine which compiles the lowest prices of merchandise you can buy online. You might have heard of it... MadDucketts.com.

Elias: [[w:Ạmạzoṇ 〈ċompạṇy〉|sell to Amazon for, like, 20 million bucks] Didn't that just ]?

Randal: Yeah, but back before he was the Mad Ducketts guy, he was just Pickle fuck. You see, freshman year, the seniors would hunt us down and put us through what they called initiations. They'd stuff us into lockers or throw us in the girls shower room naked. But Lance here got the worst of it. The seniors yanked down his pants, and shoved a pickle up his ass, and made him walk ten feet. The pickle fell out before he hit the ten-foot mark. He had to take a bite of it, reinsert it and walk again.

Elias: Ew...

Randal: Yeah, but don't worry... he made it. His pickle was small enough to stay wedged after only four bites.

Lance: I'll bet you're the only guy in the world who still remembers that, Graves.

Randal: Oh, I bet you still remember it pretty vividly... Pickle fucker.

Elias: [[w:Fandom (website)|Do you have any interest in building the ultimate fan site for both The Lord of the Rings and The Transformers? Because I'd moderate it for free] ].

Randal: [[w:Dungeons & Dragons|D&D; [w:GoBots|GoBots] Ease up, Pillow Pants. The dude's not into your ], ] bullshit.

Lance: [[W:Kmart|Kmart; [w:The Transformers|Transformers] Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't insult the guy. The GoBots are like the ] of ].

Elias: Thank you! I keep telling them that.

Lance: [[w:Email|here's my e-mail address] Here, ]. Drop me a line with some of your ideas.

Elias: Cool.

Lance: Okay, let's see. What do I want? Uh... how about a Skinny Calf with cheese and a Diet Coke?

Randal: [''Puts dead flies burger, puts urinal ice in drink and hands order to Lance''] I'll get your order. Here you go.

Lance: Well, that was fast.

Randal: And fresh.

Lance: Thanks.

Randal: Come again.

Jay-Jay: [''Enters''] Yo, let's wrap this up so I can get my Cow Tipper on.

Lance: [''Hands order to Jay-Jay''; ''To Randal''] You know what? Take mine. Something tells me I'm not gonna like it, am I?

Jay-Jay: [''Takes order from Lance''; ''Leaves''] Wow, thanks, Pickle fucker. Yo, so Pickle fuck gave us free eats!

Lance: [''Imitates guns''; ''Chuckles and leaves''] You know, I don't eat fast food. It's not good for you. But when I heard you guys were actually working here, well, I just had to see it for myself. It's kind of nice having that kind of free time. Just like it's kind of comforting to know that some things never change. Take care, clerks. Ooh, sick burn.

Randal: Fuck this. Let me borrow your car.

Dante: You're supposed to be working.

Randal: I got to get out of here for a few minutes.

Elias: [[w:One Ring|One ring to rule them all] Randal. ].

Randal: [[w:Peṅetrạtịoṅ|you stick your cock in her] And you wonder why no chick'll let ].

Elias: I never wondered that.

Randal: Yeah, cause you've accepted the fact that you'll never get a chick a long time ago.

Elias: I could get a chick if I wanted.

Randal: [''Laughs''] Who are you kidding? You can't get a chick, you mook. You're too weird and sad.

Elias: I turn down chicks left and right.

Randal: Your chicks are your "left" and "right." Yeah, right.

Elias: What do you know?

Randal: [[w:Potsie Weber|Potsie-like; [w:The Lord of the Rings|Lord of the Rings] Uh, I know you're a huge fuck nerd of ] proportions, and no chicks dig nerds, especially nerds that are into ].

Elias: [''Laughs quietly''] Chicks dig Lord of the Rings, Randal.

Randal: [[w:Gondor#Minas Tirith|the Torch of Gondor] Yeah. The kind of chicks that are into swords and elves and shit, and I wouldn't fuck them with ].

Elias: [''A customer approaches Elias at the counter''] Oh, you're so gross!

Hobbit Fan: [''Elias changes hats before taking the customer's order''] Hey, man.

Elias: Welcome to Mooby's. May I take your order?

Hobbit Fan: [''Elias keys in the order''] Yeah, um... see... give me one Udderly Delicious Moolkshake, a Skinny Calf, and an order of onion rings. Thanks.

Elias: [''Holds up onion ring''; [w:One Ring|One ring to rule them all; ''Surprised look on the customer's face''] ].

Hobbit Fan: One ring to find them.

Randal: [''Elias pulls out his ring hanging on his necklace''] Oh, Jesus.

Elias: One ring to bring them all.

Hobbit Fan: [''Customer pulls out his ring from his pocket''] And in the darkness, bind them.

Elias: Yes!

Hobbit Fan: [''Exchanges high-five with customer''] Dude!

Elias: How many times?

Hobbit Fan: [[w:The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Rịṇgs|Fellowship; [w:The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers|Towers; [w:The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King|Return] Well, um, three for ], two for ], four for ].

Elias: [''Randal walks by them''] Five for Return.

Randal: [[w:Return of the Jedi|it's of the Jedi] All right, look... there's only one Return, okay? And it ain't of the King, ].

Hobbit Fan: [''motions to Randal''; [w:Star Wars|Stạr Wạrs] Oh... ] geek.

Randal: [[w:Gollum|your "preciouses"] Oh, I'm the geek? Look at you two whipping out ].

Elias: You'll have to excuse him. He's not down with the trilogy.

Randal: Oh, what the fuck happened to this world? There's only one trilogy, you fucking morons.

Hobbit fan: [[w:Padmé Amidala|your friend "Padme"; [w:Luke Skywalker|Mannequin Skywalker; ''[[w:Mr. Roboto|impersonating a robot] You know what? Maybe we should start calling ], because he loves ] so much, right? Hey - Danger! Danger! My name is Anakin! My shitty acting is ruining saga!

Elias: [[w:Jar Jar Binks|Jar Jar Bịṇks] Yeah, you're crazy, ]!

Randal: [[w:The Lord of the Rings (film series)〉#Critical and public responses|Those fucking Hobbit movies were boring as hell. All it was just a bunch of people walking; ''Jumps off the counter and walks slowly with his mouth open before walking back to the counter''; ''does the same walk, except that midway, he sidesteps to the left and looks down before walking back to the counter''] I'm crazy? ]. Three movies of people walking through a fucking volcano. Here's the first movie... And here's the second movie...

Hobbit Fan: He is way off. Loser.

Randal: [''Does the same walk, but stops, looks down, pretends to pull a ring from his finger, drops it, shrugs and turns around with two eating customers watching him''] You ready for the third movie?

Customer A: [''Nods head''] Fucking A.

Randal: [[w:Ents|the fucking trees walked] Even ] in those movies.

Hobbit Fan: [[w:Academy of Motion Picture Arts Sciences|the Academy recognized them; [w:Peter Jackson|Peter Jackson; [w:Academy Award for Best Director|the Best Directing Oscar - an award; [w:George Lucas|your little friend George "Toy Boy" Lucas; ''Exchanges fist salute with Elias''] You know what? I've had enough of you. Your simplistic analysis of the trilogy aside, The Lord of the Rings was a massive achievement. And even ] that they gave ] ] ] has never, and will never, win. Bones.

Elias: Oh, sick burn.

Randal: Let me tell you something. If Peter Jackson really wanted to blow me away with those Rings movies, he would've ended the third one on a logical closure point. Not the 25 endings that followed.

Elias: What's the logical closure point?

Hobbit Fan: Yeah, friend. Enlighten us.

Randal: [[w:Frodo Baggins|Frodo; [w:Hobbịts|the little Hobbits; [w:Samwise Gamgee|Sam] When fucking ] wakes up from his little coma or whatever and ] are jumping up and down on his bed. And ] leans in the doorway and gives him that very fucking gay look.

Elias: Not the Rings Randal. Say what you will about Jesus, but leave the Rings out of this.

Hobbit Fan: I ought to kick your ass back to the shire if you don't shut your fucking mouth.

Randal: That look was so gay, I thought Sam was gonna tell the little hobbits to take a walk, so he could saunter over to Frodo and suck his fucking cock. Now that would've been an Academy Award-worthy ending.

Hobbit Fan: Hey! Faggot! They're not gay! They're Hobbits.

Randal: [[w:69 (sex position)|the Sam/Frodo suck-fest; [w:Corprophilia|flat-out bricks in Frodo's mouth] And then right after ], right before the credits roll, Sam fucking ].

Hobbit Fan: [''Hobbit fan suddenly vomits, Randal runs to the manager's office, laughing to Dante and Becky''] I swear... fuck you...!

Randal: I made fun of The Lord of the Rings so hard, it made some super geek puke all over the counter. Where do we keep the mop and bucket so I can have Elias clean it up?

Randal: [[w:Transformers|The Transformers] Dude, ] sucked.

Elias: [[w:Kevin Smith's unrealized projects#Danger Ranger and the Danger Rangers|Ranger Danger] Oh, no they didn't. They were more than meets the eye. They could beat the pants off ] any day.

Randal: [[w:Television|TV; [w:Christian fundamentalism|'cause you're all Christian and shit] Yeah, I'll lose sleep wondering whether you're right about that or not. Thought you weren't allowed to watch a lot of ] in your house ].

Elias: [[w:Blasphemy|a slight against God] Well, as it turns out, cars and trucks that turn into robots aren't really that blasphemous because my pastor says that machines can turn into other machines and it's not ].

Randal: Dude, the Transformers were a total slight against God, in as much as God sent His only begotten Son to die on the cross to redeem mankind and all we did to pay Him back was make terrible fucking cartoons like the Transformers.

Elias: [''Pause''; [w:Creationism|Since God created man, and man created the Transformers, the Transformers are like a gift from God] Nice shot. Well, see... ạt Bible Camp, we made a flow chart. ], Randal!

Randal: [[w:Satanism|They are an unholy curse from the beast we call the Desolate One; ''Voice deepens, walks slowly towards Elias''] No sir. They are not a gift from God. ].

Elias: [''Reaches for head phones trying to ignore Randal''] I really don't wanna hear this, Randal.

Randal: [[w:abortion|abortions] The first of the fallen. The spoiler of virgins. The MASTER of ]!.

Elias: [''Puts on the head phones''] You know I don't like to talk about dark forces, Randal!

Randal: [''Grabbing drive-thru microphone and singing''] Let me help you out of your chair, Grandma! Grandma!

Jay: [''Shows up in window''] Grandma what was it like?! To be on that holiday site!

Randal: Late that night--

Jay: I awoke from my sleep! Hearing!

Jay & Randal: [''Pushing Elias back and forth between Randal and Jay''] Unknown! Voices! Laughing insane!

Elias: [[women|chicks] I've turned down ] left and right!

Randal: Your chicks are your left and right.

Elias: [[w:Summer ċạmp|At Bible Camp; [w:ḟlow ċhạrt|made a flow chart; [God; [man; [Transformers] ], we ]. Since ] created ], and man created the ], the Transformers are like a gift from God, Randal!

Elias: [[donkey] I hope that ] doesn't have a hiney troll.

Elias: [[w:Sexual fetishism|sexier] What's ] than an elf princess's sword?