31 quotes
Misunderstandings About Identity and Violence
Sanders
You punched me because I'm gay?
Jenko
What? No, I... oh, come on. I punched him and... he turned out to be gay afterwards.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Infiltration Strategy and Brotherhood Discussion
Captain Dickson
The mission is this: infiltrate the dealers, find the supplier.
Jenko
We get to be brothers?
Captain Dickson
Infiltrate the dealers, find the supplier!
[slams desk]
Jenko
But if you find the supplier first, we don't have to worry about the dealers.
Captain Dickson
Goddamn.
Captain Dickson
Infiltrate the dealers, find the supplier!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Confronting the Past in 21 Jump Street
Schmidt
I looks like I died in a car crash and you never got over me.
[referring to a wall in his parents' house displaying many photos of him as a youth]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Confrontational Statement in 21 Jump Street
Jenko
You have the right to...
Jenko
...suck my dick, motherfucker!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Korean Jesus and His Busy Schedule
Captain Dickson
Hey, hey! Stop fuckin with Korean Jesus. He ain't got time for yo problems, he's busy wit Korean shit!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected College Assignment for the Duo
Captain Dickson
New assignment. Since you two boys love to drink booze, smoke weed with kids, and fuck anything with a big ass in jeans with low self-esteem, I'm gonna send you to a place where all that shit is allowed.
Jenko
Oh, I love Disneyland!
Captain Dickson
You two sons of bitches are going to college!
Schmidt
Yes!
Jenko
No!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Reviving Outdated Ideas in Modern Policing
Deputy Chief Hardy
We're receiving a canceled undercover police program from the 80s and revamping it for modern times. You see the guys in charge of this stuff lack creativity and are completely out of ideas, so all they do now is recycle shit from the past and expect us all not to notice.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Keys to High School Coolness
Jenko
The three keys of coolness in high school, by Jenko.
Schmidt
Mmhmm.
Jenko
One, don't try hard at anything. Okay? Two, make fun of people wo do try. Three, be handsome. Four, if anyone steps you on the first day of school, you punch them directly in the face. Five, drive a kick-ass car.
Jenko
Shit.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Confrontation Among Characters in 21 Jump Street
Jenko
Fuck you, ]!
[[Glee (TV series)|Glee]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Age Perception in Youthful Appearances
Zack
You look really old. Were you held back?
Jenko
No. You look super young, were you held forward?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Expectations vs. Reality in Law Enforcement
Jenko
Are you ready for a lifetime of being absolutely badass motherfuckers?
Schmidt
Oh, I am.
Jenko
I really thought this job would have more car chases and explosions... and less homeless people doodooing everywhere.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Principal Dadier Addresses His Students
Principal Dadier
Alright, which one of you is Doug?
Principal Dadier
Alright, let's try that again and pretend you guys aren't weird.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Confusion Between Social Groups in High School
Jenko
Those are jocks, those are nerds...
[while passing different cliques]
Jenko
I don't know what those are...
Schmidt
What the fuck are those things?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Ms. Griggs Compares Characters to Hardy Boys
Ms. Griggs
Oh my God! You're like two Hardy Boys in one!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Understanding Inappropriate Humor in Conversations
Annie Schmidt
What kind of a sick animal draws an ejaculating penis into a 8-year-old's mouth?
Jenko
It's arguably, like, an airplane throwing up.
Annie Schmidt
You think I don't know that's a dick and balls? I know all about dick and balls! I partied with ] before he got sober, when he was really fucked up and a lot of fun!
[[Robert Downey Jr.]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Struggles of Identity and Pressure in School
Principal Dadier
I am one more black gay kid getting punched in the face away from a nervous breakdown.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Misunderstanding Legal Rights in Conversation
Jenko
Look, it obviously starts with... you have the right to remain silent...
[is asked if he knows the Miranda rights]
Schmidt
You have the right to an attorney.
[whispers]
Jenko
You have the right to remain... an attorney.
Deputy Chief Hardy
Did you just say you have the right to be an attorney?
Schmidt
You do have the right to be an attorney if you want to.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Direct Approach in Awkward Situation
Jenko
What are you doing, trying to find my g spot? Just stick it in. GO!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Consequences of Beauty in Prison
Eric Molson
You know what they do to handsome guy like me in prison. It rhymes with GRAPE. It rhymes with grape.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Science and Fiction Collide in Humor
Jenko
One particle of unobtainium has a nuclear reaction with the flux capacitor - carry the "2" - changing its atomic isotoner into a radioactive spider. Fuck you, science!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Professionalism and Boundaries in Law Enforcement
Captain Dickson
That's you, man. Don't do it. Keep that dirty dick inside your pants. Don't fuck no students, don't fuck no teachers...
[going over the rule of not having sexual relations with teachers or students; to Jenko]
Schmidt
Sir, I know we may look like a couple of lady-killers, but me and my partner will be super professional...
Captain Dickson
Clearly I wasn't talking to you, big-titties. You cherub-looking motherfucker. I was talking to your partner, fake-ass Handsome McGee here. When I'm talking to him, I'm talking to him. When I say, "shut the fuck up," I'm talking to you.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Jenko's Misunderstanding of Chemistry Concepts
Jenko
Chemistry's the one with the shapes and shit, right?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Reporting Instructions at Jump Street
Jenko
Where do we report to?
Deputy Chief Hardy
Down on Jump Street. 37 Jump Street... wait, that doesn't sound right.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Youthful Appearance and Underlying Realities
Captain Dickson
You are here simply because you look young. You some ], ]-lookin motherfuckers.
[[Justin Bieber; [Miley Cyrus]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Discussion of Racial Perspectives in Society
Captain Dickson
He's white, that means people actually give shit.
Schmidt
Um, I would just like to say that I would give a shit if he were black.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
DEA Officers Make Arrest in Action Scene
Tom Hanson
Goddamn it! Tom Hanson, DEA!
[pointing gun at Schmidt and Jenko]
Tom Hanson
On your knees now!
Officer Doug Penhall
Fuck! Doug Penhall, DEA! You're under arrest!
Domingo
What the...
Officer Doug Penhall
Put your guns on the ground!
Schmidt
Yes! Yes!
Tom Hanson
Shut the fuck up! You dweebs just ruined a five year investigation!
Schmidt
We had no idea, you're like, an amazing actor, man.
Domingo
You played saxophone at my sister's wedding, man!
Tom Hanson
Tough titty, I fucked her too!
Domingo
What?
Tom Hanson
You little turds. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to infiltrate a gang like this? You see this nose? This is a fake nose. You want to wear a fake nose on your fucking head? For, like, months on end!
Schmidt
There are worse things in the world.
Tom Hanson
We had to get fucking tattoos on our dicks, man!
Officer Doug Penhall
Actually, I just said that to mess with you.
Tom Hanson
What?
Officer Doug Penhall
It looks tough.
Jenko
Hey, man, look we know what it's like being undercover. Metro Police, Jump Street division.
Tom Hanson
You're with the Jump Street? That's funny, because we were actually Jump Street.
Jenko
What? That's crazy, man!
Tom Hanson
Yeah!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Challenging Proposition Between Friends
Jenko
Hey, you want me to beat your dick off?
Domingo
You want to beat my dick off?
[looks surprised]
Jenko
I'll beat your dick off with both hands, let's go!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Party Planning and Substance Choices
Jenko
Got a pound of coke.
[raiding the evidence locker for drugs to take to their party]
Schmidt
We are trying to show them a good time, not ruin their fucking lives.
Jenko
Pound of marijuana?
Schmidt
Best party ever!
Jenko
Booyah!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Misunderstanding the Miranda Rights
Deputy Chief Hardy
Do you even know the Miranda rights?
Jenko
It obviously starts with... you have the right to... remain an attorney...
Deputy Chief Hardy
Did you just say you have the right to be an attorney?
Schmidt
Well, you do have the right to be an attorney if you want to...
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Questioning Intelligence in a Challenging Situation
Captain Dickson
Who made this? Are you autistic?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Demanding Request for Cooperation
Eric Molson
Get in the fucking car now!
Jenko
Not until you ask nicely.
Eric Molson
Please get in the car.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.