22 Jump Street (2014) - Quotes

New Assignment Announcement by Captain Dickson

Captain Dickson: New assignment...

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Secret Ingredient Revealed in Culinary Encounter

Schmidt: There's a microchip in this dough.

Culinary School Villain: Old family receipt. Let's keep it a secret.

Culinary School Villain: [Jenko throws a knife at the Culinary School Villain's chest] Oh, shit!

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Undercover Operations Take a New Turn

Anna (30 Jump Street: Flight Academy): Undercover just got a whole lot sexier!

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Freshman Appearance Sparks Spectator Comment

Previously" Narrator: And a surprise start today for walk-on freshman, Brad McQuaid.

Football game spectator: Looks pretty old to be a freshman.

Previously" Narrator: It's the hormones in the milk, Bob.

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Concealing Praise for a Talented Player

Mcs Coach: [talking about Brad McQuaid] Holy shit, he's good. None of you tell McQuaid that he's good. Alright? If you do, he will leave this MC State program.

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Miscommunication Between Friends

Jenko: Let's do this, Schmidt!

Morton Schmidt: Yeah, just like we always do, Jenkins.

Jenko: [whispering] Dude, it's Jenko!

Morton Schmidt: Sorry.

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Late Arrival and Wakefulness Conflict

Mr. Walters: Eric! Eric, are you awake?

Eric Molson: No!

Mr. Walters: I'm late!

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Evolving Language and Social Sensitivity in 2014

Jenko: It's 2014, asshole. You can't use "faggot". "Gay" is okay. "Homosexual", maybe.

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Unexpected Revelations at an Apology

Schmidt: Mr. Walters, I should apologize for...

Mr. Walters: ...for shooting my penis off? Don't sweat it, brother. I'm liberated. Totally. You know they gave me a vagina. It's awesome. You guys wanna see it?

Jenko, Schmidt: No, no, no, no!

Mr. Walters: Eric's seen it. Eric's been all up in that shit. Ain't that right, Eric?

Eric Molson: You guys gotta get me the fuck out of here.

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Teamwork and Individual Accomplishments

Jenko: Did you get Mercedes?

Schmidt: Yes, all my myself!

Jenko: Really?

Schmidt: ...Mainly by myself!

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Exchange Students in Russia Adventure

Captain Dickson: This time, foreign exchange students!

Schmidt: Awesome!

Jenko: Yes!

Captain Dickson: In Russia!

Jenko: What?

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Unexpected Answer in History Class

History Professor: Mr. McQuaid?

Jenko: ...uh, Covalent Bonds.

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Familiar Strategies Lead to Satisfied Outcomes

Deputy Chief Hardy: Do the same thing as last time. Everyone's happy.

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Ownership and Identity in Relationships

Mr. Walters: Hey, guess what? I'm Eric's bitch!

Eric Molson: No, you're not.

Mr. Walters: Yes, I am! You own this ass!

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Jenko's Frustration with Doves

Jenko: Fuck you, doves!

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Relocation of Operations to 22 Jump Street

Deputy Chief Hardy: The Koreans bought the church back, so we had to move across the street... to 22 Jump Street.

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Misunderstanding in a Tense Situation

Schmidt: [while hanging from a helicopter] There's a grenade in my shorts, can you reach it? Go in from underneath!

Jenko: Oh, shit! Is that it?

Schmidt: No, that's my dick!

Jenko: What about that?

Schmidt: That's my dick also!

Jenko: Why is it hard?

Schmidt: I'm so full of adrenalin right now!

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Misinterpretation of Education and Identity

Schmidt: [about Jenko] He has one class in Human Sexuality, and now he's Harvey Milk.

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Misunderstandings and Tensions in the Team

Jenko: I'm really, really glad you're back, Schmidt.

Schmidt: What are you talking about? What contract dispute? I have been here the whole time.

Captain Dickson: Hey, shut the fuck up! How about a flight academy?

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Unexpected Timing of Action and Boredom

Mercedes: This is so boring. No one's getting shot.

Mercedes: [one of her bodyguards gets shot] Oh my God! Did you just get shot? Like, right after I fucking said that?

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Character Dynamics in a Comedic Exchange

Schmidt: [after Mr. Walters mimicked him mockingly] I don't sound like that.

Mr. Walters: Eric! Close your eyes and tell me who's talking!

Eric Molson: [eyes closed] Ugh, Schmidt bein a little bitch.

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Bizarre Conversations Among Friends and Authority

Schmidt: I just wanna say that it was bizarre not to share the fact that your daughter went to MC State...

Captain Dickson: I think it's bizarre that I haven't cut your motherfuckin nuts off.

Jenko: [to Schmidt] What if, Captain gets to punch you in the face, one time? Really, really, REALLY hard?

Captain Dickson: Nah, I've got something WAY better than that.

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A Call for Coolness in Action

Schmidt: Say something cool when you throw it!

Jenko: One, two, three!

Jenko: Something cool!

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Expressive Outburst in Slam Poetry

Schmidt: [[Runaway Bride (film)|Runaway Bride; [Julia Roberts] Slam... poetry. Yelling! Angry! Waving my hands a LOT! Specific point of view on THINGS! Cynthia! Cyn-thi-a! Jesus died for our sin-thi-as! Jesus cried, ]. ]. Julia Rob... hurts! Cynthia! Ooh, Cynthia. You're dead. Bop boop beep bop bop boop bop. You're dead. That's for Cynthia... who's dead.

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Tension Between Officers Escalates in Scene

Captain Dickson: Jenko, what are you doing, man?

Jenko: Fuck you, Schmidt!

Captain Dickson: Stop dicking around!

Jenko: Hey, captain!

Captain Dickson: Congratulations, you two. You managed to unfuck a situation you originally already fucked up!

Schmidt: Thanks!

Captain Dickson: [talking to Schmidt] I wish I could have you unfuck my daughter, but I'ma let that be the past.

Captain Dickson: [talking to Schmidt and Jenko] Now, for your next mission, you two sons of bitches going to medical school!

Jenko: What?

Unexpected Introductions in a Family Setting

Captain Dickson: [sees Schmidt dating his daughter Maya] How do you know this person?

Maya: Dad, this is Doug, he's a guy I'm dating.

Captain Dickson: What the fuck?

Addressing the Unspoken Issues

Captain Dickson: Gentlemen, you're not gonna sit here.

Captain Dickson: & pretend there's not a big-ass elephant in the room.

Jenko: [confused] What the fuck is going on?

Captain Dickson: [turns picture frame on desk around, revealing a photo of Maya] *This* is what the fuck is going on!

Jenko: [looks at the picture confused, looks at Schmidt, then back at the picture as he realizes] OH SHIT! Oh, shit!

Jenko: Oh, shit! No! That is not happening right now!

Jenko: No!

Jenko: Hey, y'all. He's fucking the captain's daughter! Yo! Oh my FUCK!

Captain Dickson: [as Jenko is laughing outside office, to Schmidt] Every time, he says that shit? That's another foot in your ass!

Jenko: [outside office] Schmidt! You clearly... yo, this is the best thing ever!

Jenko: Schmidt fucked the captain's daughter!

Jenko: Schmidt fucked the captain's daughter! Schmidt fucked the captain's daughter!

Jenko: [re-enters office] Shit! Fuck!

Jenko: You fucked the captain's daughter? Captain? What the fuck, you bragged to him to his face! To his actual face, the captain, do you understand that *this face?*

Jenko: right here! You bragged to that face!

Jenko: [to Captain Dickson] You actually high-fived Schmidt for fucking your daughter? Holy shit! Oh my God, this is...

Jenko: [composing himself] It's really not that funny.

Cultural Misunderstanding in Religious Context

Captain Dickson: Fuck a 21 Jump Street & *FUCK* a Korean Jesus!

Jenko: [pointing across the room to the statue of Jesus] Captain, Korean Jesus is right there!

Captain Dickson: That's Vietnamese Jesus now. See, this is a Vietnamese church, you racist sacrilegious sack of shit!

Captain Dickson: Yeah, Vietnamese Jesus is just droppin swag-goo!

Jump Street's Bold Approach to Law Enforcement

Captain Dickson: We Jump Street, and we bout to jump in yo ass.

Jenko: Mmmm-hmmm.

Schmidt: Right in the crack.

An Unconventional Meeting at a Party

Mrs. Dickson: So, how did you and Doug meet?

Maya: We met at a party and then he stalked me to my dorm room.

Captain Dickson: Stalked you? And then what happened?

Maya: Then, we hung out and watched a movie.

Maya: [pause for a second] Actually, we watched it a couple times.

Captain Dickson: This is bullshit! Waiter, can a black man get some water?

Schmidt: Someone get the fucking man some water. He's black, he's been through a lot!

Unexpected Identities and Humor Among Friends

Schmidt: Yo Sleepy, whassup, homie? Everyone saying at the barrio that "Sleepy, he like the Mexican Wolverine and shit!" My partner here wanna see that product.

Scarface: [pointing at Jenko] Why ain't he talking?

Jenko: [after a moment of silence; in a high-pitched voice] My name Jeff!