22 quotes
Misunderstanding the Santa Claus Line
Shopper
Young man! Hey, kid! Just where do you think you're going?!
Ralphie
Going up to see Santa Claus.
Shopper
The line ends here. It begins there.
[Points to the end of a very long line]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Desiring a Red Ryder BB gun for Christmas
Ralphie
What I want for Christmas. What I want is a Red Ryder BB gun with a compass in the stock... and this thing which tells time." Wow, that's great. "I think that everybody should have a Red Ryder BB gun. They're very good for Christmas. I don't think that a football's a very good Christmas present.
[reading his essay]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Surprising Discovery in the Sky
Randy
Wow! Whoopee! A zeppelin!
[opening his biggest gift]
Mr. Parker
A can of ]!
[Opening his gift, almost as happy; [w:Simoniz|Simoniz]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Ralphie's Disappointment with Commercialism
Ralphie
Be sure...to...drink...your...Ovaltine. Ovaltine? A crummy commercial? Son of a bitch!
[after cracking a secret code, reading it]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Father's Loyalty to Oldsmobile
Ralphie
Some men are Baptists, others Catholics; my father was an Oldsmobile man.
[as an adult, narrating]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Response to Santa's Gift Suggestion
Santa Claus
How about a nice, uh... football?
Ralphie
Football? What's a football? Without conscious will my voice squeaked out "football".
[As narrator]
Santa Claus
Okay, get him out of here.
Ralphie
A football!? Oh, no! What was I doing!? Wake up, stupid! Wake up!
[As narrator]
Ralphie
NO! No, no; I want an official Red Ryder carbine action 200-shot-range model air rifle!
[As child; climbs back up exit slide; smiles hopefully at Santa]
Santa Claus
You'll shoot your eye out, kid. Merry Christmas. Ho. Ho. Ho.
Ralphie
NOOOOOO!!
[smile fades to shock as Santa pushes Ralphie down the exit slide]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Hopeful Outlook for Future Peace
Taglines
Peace, Harmony, Comfort, And Joy... Maybe Next Year.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Family Reunion and Concern for Ralph
Mrs. Parker
Why, it's Ralph!
Mr. Parker
Well, come on in, Ralph. Where have you been?
Mrs. Parker
Why... he's carrying a cane!
Mr. Parker
What is it, Ralph? What happened?
Mrs. Parker
Why he's... blind!
Mr. Parker
Blind? Oh, my God!
Randy
Ralphie!
Mrs. Parker
Ralph, is this something WE did?
Mr. Parker
What brought you to this lowly state?
Mrs. Parker
Ralph, please tell us, no matter how it hurts. What did we DO?
Ralphie
Look, I can't.
Mrs. Parker
Oh, please, Ralph.
Mr. Parker
Please.
Mrs. Parker
I must know what we did. What brought you to this?!
Mr. Parker
Please.
Mrs. Parker
Please... Please?
Ralphie
It... it- it was...
Mrs. Parker
Yes? ...Yes?
Ralphie
Soap... poisoning!
[The Old Man repeats it to himself quietly.]
Mr. Parker
How could we do it?
Ralphie
Well, I'll manage to get along... somehow.
Mrs. Parker
I'll never forgive myself.
Ralphie
Thanks, Mom.
[She nods.]
Mr. Parker
I told you not to use Lifebuoy! Oh, I feel awful!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Child's Struggle with Winter Clothing
Mother
What is it?!
Randy
I can't put my arms down!
[wailing; continues bawling, as Mother tries unsuccessfully to put his arms down]
Mother
Well, put your arms down when you get to school.
[winds scarf around Randy's neck, as he starts wailing once more]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Family Disputes Over Holiday Traditions
Ralphie as Adult
Come on. I don't need that jazz about smugglers and pirates.
Ralpie
Red cabbage?
Mrs. Parker
No. That's for tomorrow night. You love red cabbage, Ralphie.
Ralphie as Adult
What happened next was a family controversy for years.
Mr. Parker
What was that? What happened? What broke?
Mrs. Parker
I don't know what happened. I was watering my plant, and I... broke your lamp.
Mr. Parker
Don't you touch that! You were always jealous of this lamp!
Mrs. Parker
Jealous of a plastic...?
Mr. Parker
Jealous! Jealous because I won.
Mrs. Parker
That's ridiculous! Jealous? Jealous of what? That is the ugliest lamp I have ever seen in my entire LIFE!!!
Ralphie as Adult
Now, it was out.
Mr. Parker
Get the glue.
Mrs. Parker
We're out of glue.
Mr. Parker
You used up all the glue on purpose!
[enraged]
Ralphie as Adult
The old man stood quivering with fury, stammering as he tried to come up with a real crusher. All he got out was...
Mr. Parker
Not a finger!
Ralphie (as an adult)
Later, that night, alone in the backyard, he burned it next to the garage.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Joy of Giving Over Receiving
Taglines
Tis Better To Give Than To Receive.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Misunderstanding the Meaning of Fragile
Mr. Parker
Thanks a lot, guys. Merry Christmas. Get the crowbar and a hammer, Ralphie. Go on. Uh, "fra-gee-lay." It must be Italian.
[mispronouncing]
Mrs. Parker
I think that says "fragile", honey.
Mr. Parker
Oh, yeah. Here we go.
Ralphie (as an adult)
Holy smokes, it was 6:45. Only one thing could've dragged me away from the soft glow of electric sex gleamed in the window.
Radio
Who's the little chatterbox the one with pretty auburn locks? Who do you see? It's little orphan Annie!
Ralphie (as an adult)
: Kids, it's Little Orphan Annie time. Brought to by rich, chocolatey ovaltine. I could still taste it.
[The song is heard from outside.]
Mr. Parker
Hey, you turned the light off!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Celebrating Traditional American Christmas Values
Taglines
A Tribute to the Original, Traditional, One-Hundred-Percent, Red-Blooded, Two-Fisted, All-American Christmas...
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Avoiding Responsibility During Holiday Cleanup
Mr. Parker
My gosh, would you look at that mess? Who's going to clean the papers up?
[admiring Randy sleeping in the mess of gift wrap]
Ralphie
Not me.
Mr. Parker
Oh, really? Randy did it last year.
Ralphie
Well, he can do it again.
Mr. Parker
You know, this wine ain't bad. You want a sip?
Ralphie
Yeah.
Mrs. Parker
No, you don't. Did you have a nice Christmas?
Ralphie
Yeah, pretty nice.
Mr. Parker
Yeah? Did you get everything you wanted?
Ralphie
Well, almost.
[thinking about not getting the BB gun]
Mr. Parker
Almost, huh? Well, that's life. Well, there's always next Christmas.
Ralphie
Yep.
Mr. Parker
Hey. That's funny. What's that over there behind the desk?
[feigns a surprised look]
Ralphie
Where?
Mr. Parker
Uh...behind the desk against the wall over there... Go check it out. Go on.
Mrs. Parker
What did we put over there, honey?
Mr. Parker
Uh, Santa Claus probably put it.
[stammers]
Ralphie
WOW!
[opens gift to see a Red Ryder BB gun]
Mr. Parker
Do you know how to load it?
[laughs]
Ralphie
Yeah.
[loads gun]
Mr. Parker
C-careful. They run all over. Close it up. Close it up.
Ralphie
Can I...Can I try it out, Ma? Can I?
[delighted]
Mr. Parker
Sure.
Mrs. Parker
Okay. But outside. Oh... I still say those things are dangerous. No, no! Put on your galoshes and your coat. It's cold out!
[reluctantly; Ralphie leaves; looks at Mr. Parker, not pleased]
Mr. Parker
But...I had one when I was eight years old.
Mrs. Parker
What if he hurts himself? Ralphie, your coat! Don't shoot any animals or birds.
Mr. Parker
Except the Bumpuses dogs!
Mrs. Parker
Oh, hush. Be careful, Ralphie!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Ralphie Confronts Challenges with Determination
Ralphie
Tough!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Discussion of Christmas Light Issues
Mr. Parker
That's fine. Now, wait a minute. All right. Pull her in!
Mrs. Parker
It is.
Mr. Parker
Well, the green string is out.
Mrs. Parker
No, the green is on.It's the blue that's out.
Mrs Parker
All right, boys. Upstairs.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Disappointment Over a C+ Grade
Ralphie as Adult
A "C+"?! Oh, no! It can't be!
[narrating]
Ralphie
C+"?
Miss Shields
C+! C+!
[as the Wicked Witch of the West from The Wizard of Oz; cackling]
Ralphie as Adult
Oh, no! "You'll shoot your eye out"?!
[narrating]
Ralphie
Oh, no.
Ralphie as Adult
My mother must've gotten to Miss Shields! There could be no other explanation!
Miss Shields and Mrs. Parker
You'll shoot your eye out! You'll shoot your eye out!
[sing-song; Mrs. Parker dressed as a jester; both laugh mockingly]
Ralphie as Adult
Was there no end to this conspiracy of irrational prejudice against Red Ryder and his Peacemaker?!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Consequences of a Holiday Wish
Ralphie
Ok, Black Bart now you get yours!
Ralphie (as an adult)
Oh, my God! I shot my eye out!
[narrating]
Santa Claus
You'll shoot your eye out, kid.
[in Ralphie's head]
Mrs. Parker and Miss Shields
You'll shoot your eye out! You'll shoot your eye out!
[in Ralphie's head with a sing-song]
Santa Claus
Ho ho ho!
[in Ralphie's head; at the same time]
Mrs. Parker
Ralphie, you be careful out there! Don't shoot your eye out!
[from the kitchen while she's working on the turkey]
Ralphie (as an adult)
She hadn't seen! She didn't know! My eye's all right. The BB must've hit my glasses. My glasses! Oh, no! Where are my glasses?! Few things brought such swift and terrible retribution on a kid as a pair of busted glasses.
[narrating; Removes his fingers and just sees blood.]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Bullying and Peer Pressure Among Children
Schwartz
Hey, smart ass. I asked my old man about sticking your tongue to a flagpole in the winter, and he says that it'll freeze right to the pole, just like I told ya.
Scut Farkus
Listen, jerk! When I tell you to come, you better come! What? Are you gonna cry now? Come on, crybaby, cry for me! Come on! CRY, HA HA!!!
[to Ralphie; Ralphie starts quivering; begins mock crying and laughing]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Father's Colorful Outburst During Winter Troubles
Mr. Parker
It's a clinker! That blasted, stupid funace.
Mr. Parker
Dadgummit! Damn skates! For Christ's sake, open up the damper, will you? Who the hell turned it all the way down again? Ah, blasted! You beast!
Ralphie (as an adult)
In the heat of battle, my father wove a tapestry of obscenity that, as far as we know, is still hanging in space over Lake Michigan.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Achievement in the Midst of Holiday Chaos
Old Man
There we got it!
[Laughs happily.]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Disasters Amid Holiday Joy
Ralphie (as an adult)
Life is like that. Sometimes, at the height of our revelries when, our joy is at it's zenith, when, all is most right with the world, the most unthinkable disasters descend upon us.
Mr. Parker
Oh, the turkey! Oh, my God! You sons of bitches! Bumpuses!
Ralphie (as an adult)
The heavenly aroma still hung heavy in the house, but, it was gone, all gone! No turkey, no turkey gravy, no turkey sandwiches, turkey hash, turkey a la king... or gallons of turkey soup! Gone! All gone!
Mr. Parker
All right. Everybody upstairs, get dressed. We are going out to eat.
Waiters in Chinese Restaurant
(singing) Deck the halls with boughs of horry, Fa ra ra ra ra ra ra ra ra! Tis the season to be jorry, Fa ra ra ra ra ra ra ra ra!
Lead Waiter
(To waiters) No, no, no! Not ra ra ra ra ra, la la la la la. Sing like this: (singing) Deck the halls with boughs of holly / Fa la la la la la la la la. (Speaking) Try again.
Waiters
(Singing) Deck the halls with boughs of horry...
Lead Waiter
No, no, no, stop! Sing something else.
Waiters
(Singing) Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way! Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sreigh!
Lead Waiter
No! Stop! Kitchen. Bring food. For customers.
Mr. Parker
Oh, yes, it's a beautiful duck. It's smiling at me.
Ralphie (as an adult)
That Christmas would live in our memories as the Christmas when we were introduced Chinese turkey. All was right with the world.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.