Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls Quotes

Ace Ventura Think! Someone wants these two tribes to destroy each other. There must be something valuable in this equation. Perhaps we should meditate upon it, Spike. For it is said that when seeking answers, one must quiet the soul in order to hear them. What is it the Wachatis possess that is of great value to other men - besides the princess with the amazing rack? All righty, then.

Abbot Oh Ace. You're back?

Ace You can dispense with the smallpox, all-knowing one. I'm here on business, and ] is of the essence.

Abbot Very well. What answer do you seek?

Ace I need to know what it is the Wachatis possess that is of great value to civilized man.

Abbot The medallion will lead you to the answer. You do still have the medallion, don't you?

Ace Medallion? Why... surely! I left it back, uhh, with my body.

Abbot Your aura is weakening.

Ace OKAY, I THREW IT IN A CAVE! What do you want from me?! What are you? Mr. Perfect?! You wanna know where it is? It's probably lying in a BIG PILE of... Guano! They have GUANO!

Taglines The great plains of Africa, the cradle of civilization. A place where there exists a balance between nature and man. So ancient, so sacred, no man would dare to disturb it. No man but Ace Ventura.

Ace Ventura Tell them what I'm saying. I come in peace!

Ouda White Devil say, "I will harm you.

Ace I couldn't help but notice the "equinsu ocha" part. Did you just refer to me as "White Devil"?

Ouda This is how they know you.

Ace Leave that part out from now on! I represent the princess!

Ouda I am a Princess.

Ace War is hell. The last thing we want... is a fight!

Ouda I want to fight, so go to hell." The chief said, "If you pass all Wachootoo tests, you do not die.

Ace Kooky!

Fulton Greenwall Let my introduce myself - my name is Fulton Greenwall, and I'm sent here to employ your services in the retrieval of a lost animal. Now, can you help us?

Ace Ventura Your request is not unlike your lower intestine: stinky, and loaded with danger!

Taglines New Animals. New Adventures. Same Hair.

Ace Ventura Quite an auspicious dwelling for a filthy flying weasel.

Fulton Greenwall Please, Mr. Ventura! That is sacred ground! I'm sorry, but only the Wachati are allowed to step there.

Ace Ventura Hey... take it easy! I'm the loogie guy, remember?

Fulton Greenwall Er, yes, yes, Chief, thank you. Thank you. The Chief says that unless the Sacred Bat is returned before the marriage of the princess, the entire Wachati tribe will meet their death!

Ace Ventura What type of bat are we talking about here?

Fulton Greenwall The great white bat, of course.

Ace Ventura Crepuscular chiroptera?!

Fulton Greenwall Yes. But to the natives... Shikaka.

Ace Ventura Shikaka? Shikaka! Shikasha! Ahhh! Sssssshhhhhhhish-kebab. Sssssshhhh- "Shawshank Redemption". CHI-CA-GO! You're outta there! Go on, you're gone, go on.

Taglines Most people wouldn't last one minute in the real wild nature. Ace Ventura, not even a second.

Ace Ventura Mmm, this fruit paste is delicious, and the pottery is lovely.

Ouda It's made from guano.

Ace Ventura Guano. Sounds so familiar.

Fulton Greenwall Bat droppings.

Fulton Greenwall Guano is their chief resource, they use it to make many things in the village.

Ace Ventura ... Yummy!

Ace Ventura That's a lovely wrap you're wearing! Perhaps I could buy you some fluffy new slippers, made from the heads of innocent and defenseless baby seals!

McGuire Who is this ghastly man?

Ace Ace Ventura, Pet Detective. And you must be the Monopoly guy! Hey... thanks for the free parking.

Pompous woman Another activist, McGuire.

McGuire Activist, yes...

Ace Activist, yes, mhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhm!

Pompous Woman Mr. Ventura, there's nothing wrong with enjoying the fruits of nature. You should try it sometime.

Ace Alrighty then! You know something? You're right! Do not pass Go! Do not collect 200 dollars! It's lovely, but I fancy myself an autumn.

Vincent Cadby Tell me, Mr. Ventura - just how good are you?

Ace Ventura You're an extreme workaholic. You recently returned from a short trip to Gotan in Northern Africa, and upon your return, you more than likely took a spill because of some... shoddy masonry work!

Vincent Cadby Very impressive. Might one ask how?

Ace Ventura Surely! The abrasion on the palm of your left hand is the type one sustains breaking a fall of three to five feet; the small remnants of plaster on the tip of your shoe pointed to a careless mason being the culprit; your new watch, a quality forgery of a Cartier, was most likely purchased through the North African black market known to reside in GOTAN!

Vincent Cadby And my work habits?

Ace Ventura Yes, a workaholic. The urine stain on your pants would signify that you're a "single shake" man - far too busy for the follow-up jiggle!

Fulton Greenwall Brilliant, Mr. Ventura! Simply brilliant!

Ace Ventura Spank you, Greenwall! Spank you very much.

Ace Ventura What about my medallion of spiritual accomplishment?

Abbot Oh, here, take mine.

Ace Ventura This took you eighty years to achieve!!!

Abbot That's okay, I don't like it anymore. Really.

Ace Ventura In light of this personal ] you've made... I have no ]... but to take the case.

Abbot Great! I'll go tell the others.

Ace Ventura Master! ... Break it to them gently.

Ace Ventura I've never seen them act like that before. Denial can be an ugly thing.

Fulton Greenwall They will now consummate the marriage in the witness of the tribe. Well done, Ace. You must be extremely proud.

Ace Ventura ] is an abomination. One must forego the self to attain total spiritual creaminess, and avoid the chewy chunks of degradation. What's that he's saying?

Fulton Greenwall I think he's saying she's not a virgin.

Ace Ventura ... They can tell that?!

Ace Ventura I'll meet you at the bottom. There's still one more thing I must do before I go...

Ace Ventura Isn't this incredible?! It's gonna be some kind of a record! Everyone loves a Slinky! You gotta get a Slinky! Slinky, Slinky! Go, Slinky, go! AAAAWWWWWWW, MAN! Can you believe it?! It was right there! Can I do it one more time?

Fulton Greenwall Forgive me, Mr. Ventura, but if we don't hurry now, we might miss the plane.

Ace Ventura Of course. How selfish of me. Let's do all the things that you wanna do.

Vincent Cadby Hello, Ace. You want your ]?

Ace Ventura Wrong again, Sweeney Toad! I've come for the sacred bat. Where is it?!

Vincent Cadby Wait - whatever can you mean?

Ace Ventura Guano? Hello?! Does "poop" ring a bell? "Guano: mined as a source of nitrate, producing 84% of the world's supply of fertilizer, a 1.4 billion dollar industry." THAT'S what this war is all about! You can't legally take possession of the caves as long as the Wachatis inhabit the area, and you want that dookie so bad, you can taste it!

Fulton Greenwall But sir, I thought that--

Vincent Cadby Yes, thank you, Fulton. That's a fine theory, Mr. Ventura... What has it got to do with me?

Ace Ventura I thought you'd never ask! The day I met you, there was a white substance on your shoe that I mistook for plaster; yesterday I saw the same white substance outside the hut where the bat was kept, and suddenly it hit me: the great white bat has great white guano! That's what you stepped in, that's what was on your shoe, and that explains the abrasion on your palm! ...Let me run that back for ya! That's what you stepped in, that's what was on your shoe, AND THAT EXPLAINS THE ABRATION ON YOUR PALM! DAMN, I'M GOOD! Can you feel that?! Huh?! Can you feel it, Captain Compost?! THE DAY OF REDEMPTION IS AT HAND! REPENT... and thou shall be saved!