Airplane II: The Sequel (1982) - Quotes

Taglines: Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the departure lounge!

Taglines: For the ride of your life... All you need for Christmas are your two front seats!

Art Fleming: All right, Contestant #38.

Contestant #38: Art, I'll take Air Shuttle Disasters for $40.

Art Fleming: [The $40 display rotates to reveal the answer] The answer is... the Mayflower!

Ted Striker: We're going to have to blow the computer!

Elaine Dickinson: Blow ROC?

News 14 Buffalo Anchorman: Our top story tonight: Four alarm fire rages through Downtown Buffalo. Also in the news, Lunar Shuttle heads for the Sun, and certain disaster.

Tokyo 4 Anchorman: [on the screen behind the anchorman is a clip of Godzilla clenching a Lunar Shuttle in between his teeth] Our top story tonight: Four alarm fire rages through Downtown Tokyo. Also in the news, American lunar mission locked in death struggle.

Moscow Anchorman: [being held at gunpoint; a gunshot is heard as next scene cuts in] A four-alarm fire in Downtown Moscow clears way for a glorious new tractor factory. And on the lighter side of the news: Hundreds of Capitalists are soon to perish in Shuttle disaster.

Clerk: Do you swear on the Constitution of the United States to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?

Witness: [jive talk for "I do". slaps the clerk's book and the clerk uses his book to slap the witness's hand as if "giving fives" to each other] Ain't no thing.

Defense Attorney: [approaches the witness as he sits down in the witness stand] Would you describe in your own words, what happened that night?

Witness: ["Mr. Striker performed exceptionally. The passengers were very concerned. The pilots were incapacitated. So Mr. Striker took control and landed that plane safely. Golly!"] Yo! Check it, bleed. Bro... was on! Didn't trip. But the folks was freakin', man. Hey, and the pilots were laid to the bone, Home. So Blood hammered out and jammed jet ship. Tightened that bad sucker inside the runaway like a mother. Shit.

Jimmy Wilson: I sure am glad they let Scraps ride up here with us, Dad.

John Wilson: I bet Scraps is gonna love the moon.

Jimmy: Do you think things will be a lot different on the moon, Dad?

John: Oh, it's gonna be terrific! A whole new world. New kids to play with!

Jimmy: Does that mean no more headlines about the rape trial?

John: [angrily while wrapping his knuckles] Not many kids get the chance to live on another planet.

Jimmy: No more kids yelling, "Your old man's a psychopathic sex pervert"?

John: [angrily grabs Jimmy's jacket and pulls him close; lets go of Jimmy and sits back looking crazed] Look, a man can make an honest mistake! Anyway she was asking for it! They're all asking for it all the time!

Jimmy: [thought] Dad never slaps me around at home. It must be his coffee.

Alice Wilson: [thought] No, I've been serving Dad decaf. Hmm. Maybe he's just an asshole.

First Woman in Line: Where is the passenger processing lounge for the lunar shuttle?

Information Agent: Concourse lounge C, fourth level.

First Woman in Line: Thank you.

Information Agent: Next?

First Woman in Line: How long is my parking permit good for?

Information Agent: Two hours.

First Woman in Line: Thank you?

Information Agent: Yes, next.

Next Man: What's the fastest animal on Earth?

Information Agent: The cheetah. Next?

Female Passenger #3: Should I fake my orgasms?

Information Agent: Yes.

Female Passenger #3: Thank you.

Information Agent: Next?

Girl on Shuttle: [Repeated to different men throughout the movie] I don't mean to sound forward. I mean, I know I don't know you. But I don't think we're gonna live through this. And... I've never been with a man before.

Ted Striker: [to Elaine] We're not in the past or the present anymore, Elaine. This... is the FUTURE.

Opening Crawl: By the close of the twentieth century, construction of colonies on the lunar surface had begun and with this colonization came a new era in space travel. As our story opens, Mayflower 1, the first passenger shuttle to the moon, prepares for its maiden voyage--a voyage filled with hope, yet destined for disaster. Meanwhile, in a galaxy far, far away, Princess Amoura lay back in her bed as the handsome young knight entered the room. The princess slipped off her robe, revealing her silky white thighs. The knight embraced her roughly, and began to caress her soft, round…