31 quotes
Dreams and Realities of Life in Your 50s
Pat Farrell
Alan, did you ever imagine what life would be like in your 50s?
Alan Partridge
I had hopes and dreams. I think we all did.
Pat Farrell
Penny for them.
Alan Partridge
Keep the penny, you've got a gun. But, yeah, I used to dream that one day I'd drive a brand-new Range Rover towing a speed boat.
Pat Farrell
I used to dream about growing old with someone I love.
Alan Partridge
Hm. Both valid.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Loss of Scent in a Changed World
Alan Partridge
It's the near future. An unprovoked chemical attack from France, or possibly China, has left us without a sense of smell. In a whiff-free world, what smell would you miss the most?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Reflecting on Past Struggles and Triumphs
Dave Clifton
Do you know what I really like? I like waking up in the morning, breathing in the air and er... actually realizing I've made it through the night and I haven't wet the bed. No, I am joking, obviously, but er... they were, of course, very, very dark days indeed.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Alan Partridge's Take on Musical Royalty
Alan Partridge
That was a majestic voice. You can keep Jesus. As far as I'm concerned, Neil Diamond will always be King of the Jews.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Jingle Genocide in Alan Partridge's World
Sidekick Simon
It was jingle genocide.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unfortunate Incident In A Box
Michael the Geordie
I'm really sorry. I done a shit in the box.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Alan Partridge's Encounter with a Seagull
Alan Partridge
Oh. Hello, Mister Seagull. Have you come to take my spirit away? Go, gull! Gull... gull... gull.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Lending My Soul for Cash
Alan Partridge
I'm not going to sell my soul, Lynn. I want to, if you like, lend my soul to Goredale Media on a long-term basis for cash. It's a very different thing.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Alan Partridge's Unique Self-Description
Alan Partridge
I am siege face.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Alan Partridge's Unconventional Response to Pressure
Alan Partridge
I'm not retreating, Pat's tugging me off.
[pulled back into the building by a rope]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Apology Amidst a Nostalgic Tune
Alan Partridge
Oh, shit. This is the theme from Ski Sunday. Sorry for swearing.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Hygiene Debate of Fist Bumps
Alan Partridge
Some people say it's more hygienic than a handshake. But who's to say you can't get shit on your fist?
[about fistbumps]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Search for Scissors
Sidekick Simon
Have you got any scissors? Have you got any scissors?
[frantically, to police]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Conversation About a Sun-Tanned Child
Alan Partridge
I would've taken it off sooner but I was having a fascinating conversation with the proud father of Norfolk's most sun-tanned child. Just passed his details on to the Social Services.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Panic Attack in a Car Wash
Alan Partridge
Do I look like I suffer from panic attacks? I've had one panic attack in a car wash. It was a perfect storm of no sleep, no wife, and angry brushes whirring towards me. By the time the giant hair dryer came on, I was in the footwell.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Alan Partridge's Unconventional Comparison of Michael
Alan Partridge
Michael. You look like some sort of big Geordie Anne Frank.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Uncertainty in a Simple Exchange
Jason Cresswell
So, are you on your way out?
Pat Farrell
You tell me.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Business Wisdom and Personal Conflict
Jason Cresswell
Never take your eye off the ball, Pat. First rule of business. Second rule of business, always be prepared for an opportunity when it arises, like I was just then. Yeah. Course I wouldn't expect you to understand that. It's Darwinian. You're a runt.
Pat Farrell
Is that what you think, Alan?
Alan Partridge
I wouldn't quite, you know, use those words. Well, I think... I think... The sort of the gist of what, you know...
Pat Farrell
I just don't like bullies.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Confidence in Unconventional Situations
Jason Cresswell
All I need to know is can you handle it?
Alan Partridge
Well, er... Would you ask that of a man who'd gone paintballing, realized he'd left his goggles at reception but carried on anyway?
Jason Cresswell
Why?
Alan Partridge
You're looking at him.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Angels and Their Unexpected Arrivals
Pat Farrell
A year after that was taken, the angels took her.
Sidekick Simon
Must have been a few of them...
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Defiance in the Face of Authority
Michael the Geordie
Right, coppers, I've got nae tax, nae insurance and I'm not wearing a seatbelt. What are you going to do about it this time?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Comparing the Worst Mongers in Society
Alan Partridge
Which is the worst monger? Fish, iron, rumour or war? Pretty clear, that one.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Criticism and Its Limits
Alan Partridge
Never, never criticize ]! Only ]. And ], a little bit.
[[Muslim|Muslims; [Christianity|Christians; [Judaism|Jews]
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A Memorable Encounter and Personal Reflection
Jason Cresswell
Seriously, did you give her one?
Alan Partridge
Well, I... I gave her a ruddy big kiss she won't forget in a hurry. Hand on the outside of the bra. Er... you know, reconnaissance. And then I just held her in my arms because told me she never knew her mother, and I said, "Well, my mother raised me and lived to a ripe old age. But guess what? I never really knew her." Erm... and... To get back on track, erm...
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Understanding the Audience of Ordinary Workers
Pat Farrell
These are my listeners, Alan, ordinary working people.
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Theft of Toilet Paper Revealed in Conversation
Alan Partridge
Michael's just sent a text saying he hasn't bought toilet paper in 18 months.
Lynn Benfield
How does he...
Alan Partridge
He steals it from a pub.
Lynn Benfield
Oh.
Alan Partridge
That's a relief. Shared a bag of salty popcorn with him last week.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Struggles with Addiction and Consequences
Dave Clifton
Cocaine - that was a trigger. Cocaine, prostitutes. Bit of a cycle. Puking up the old er... luminous green bile.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Consequences of Misunderstood Actions
Alan Partridge
No-one's getting sacked. It's like Bobby Brushes, the caretaker, when the swimming pool allegations came out.
Pat Farrell
He was in bits!
Alan Partridge
Yeah. It turned out he was just helping those lads towel off. He was being nice. He didn't even know them.
Pat Farrell
Yeah, but where is he now?
Angela Ashbourne
He runs his own business.
Alan Partridge
There. He's back on his feet.
Angela Ashbourne
Rents out bouncy castles.
Alan Partridge
For adults, yeah?
[turning, concerned]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Facing Change with Humor and Confidence
Jason Cresswell
Change is healthy, you shouldn't fear it.
Alan Partridge
I'm not scared of anything. Not even an elephant, which is interesting, because there's one in this room.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Alan's Unconventional Workplace Standards
Alan Partridge
Lynn, get rid of her. She's a drunk racist. I'll tolerate one, but not both.
[about a one-night stand]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Reflections on Parenting and Happiness
Alan Partridge
I've gotta say, Pat, kids don't make you happy. Some of the unhappiest times of my life have been with my kids. I remember... a holiday on the beach in Prestatyn. The kids came over to me and said, "Papa, Papa! Follow me," and... you know... I followed them about 200 yards across the sand dunes. When I got there, finally, all they'd done was dug a big hole. Miserable.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.