American Pie (1999) - Quotes

The Cycle of Teenage Romance

Taglines: Boy gets girl. Boy loses girl. Boy gets pie.

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A Humorous Invitation to Return

Taglines: Come again!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

The Significance of First Experiences

Taglines: There's something about your first piece.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Advice on Performance in Intimate Situations

Michelle: Now, I have two rubbers. Wear them both. It will desensitize you. I don't want you cumming so damn early this time.

Jim: What makes you think that I would cum early?

Michelle: Come on, I saw you on the net. Why do you think I accepted this date? You're a sure thing.

Jim: Yes I am.

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Unexpected Confessions at Band Camp

Michelle: Oh! And this one time at band camp, I stuck a flute in my pussy.

Jim: [''taking a drink then realizes what she said and spits it out''] Excuse me?

Michelle: What? You think I don't know how to get myself off? Hell, that's what half of band camp is: sex-ed. So are we gonna screw soon? Cause I'm getting kind of antsy.

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A Bold Proposal Over Drinks

Finch: So, ah, would you object if I said you were quite striking?

Stifler's Mom: Mister Finch, are you trying to seduce me?

Finch: Yes ma'am, I am.

Finch: You have anything to drink?

Stifler's Mom: I believe the kegs are upstairs.

Finch: That is what the cretins drink. I'm talking about alcohol, liquor...the good stuff.

Stifler's Mom: I've got some Scotch.

Finch: Single malt?

Stifler's Mom: Aged 18 years. The way I like it.

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Unexpected Encounters at the Gathering

Stifler: Vicky, Jessica, great to see you. Glad you could make it. Ha ha, bitches. Sherman!

Sherman: Hey!

Stifler: What the fuck are you doing here?

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Exploring Sexual Experiences and Curiosity

Jessica: You've never had an orgasm? Not even manually?

Vicky: I've never tried it.

Jessica: You've never double-clicked your mouse?

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The Nature of Challenging Conversations

Jim's Dad: [''about sex''] It's like playing a tennis ball against a brick wall, which can be fun. It can be fun, but it's not a game.

Jim: Right.

Jim's Dad: It's not a game.

Jim: No.

Jim's Dad: What you want is a partner to return the ball. You want a partner, don't you, son?

Jim: Oh yeah, Dad. I wan-I want a partner.

Jim's Dad: Good. Good. That's very good.

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Unexpected Assistance and Misunderstanding

Jim: [tries to make a move on a half-naked Nadia] Looks like you could use an extra hand.

Nadia: Jim!

Jim: Well, uh...oh!

Nadia: [puts on a shirt to cover herself] Shame on you!

Jim: Yes, shame on me. I'll just go.

Nadia: Well...you have seen me. Now it is my turn to see you...strip.

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Debating the Ethics of Broadcasting Private Moments

Stifler: Fuck me! There's gonna be an Eastern European chick naked in your house, and you're not going to do anything about it?

Jim: What am I supposed to do, Stifler? Broadcast her over the internet?

Stifler: Yeah!

Kevin: You can do that?

Jim: No, I can't do that to her.

Stifler: Jim, get some fucking balls. If you can't bring yourself to photograph a naked chick, how the hell are you ever gonna sleep with one?

Finch: I don't like the kid, but he's got a point, Jim.

Stifler: See? Even Shit Break knows you should do it.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

The Effort of Genuine Communication

Oz: [on being sensitive to women] All you got to do is to ask them questions, and listen to what they have to say and shit.

Stifler: I dunno man, that...sounds like a lot of work.

Unexpected Reactions Among Friends

Stifler: [at choir practice] What did you cocks do to him?

Oz: You came to see me in action?

Jim: Yeah, man, I thought you sounded really good!

Stifler: Yeah, man, I think you need your balls reattached!

Curious Inquiry About Third Base Experience

Jim: Guys, uh, what exactly does third base feel like?

Kevin: You want to take this one?

Oz: [[w:apple pie|apple pie] Like warm ].

Jim: Yeah?

Oz: Yeah.

Jim: Apple pie, huh?

Oz: Uh huh.

Jim: [[McDonald's] ] or homemade?

A Call to Action for Unfulfilled Desire

Kevin Myers: No longer will our penises remain flaccid and unused! From now on, we fight for every man out there who isn't getting laid when he should be! This is our day! This is our time! And by God, we're not gonna let history condemn us to celibacy! We will make a stand! We will succeed! We will get laid!

Humorous Confessions of Youthful Experiences

Jim's Dad: [[masturbating; pause] I have to admit, you know, I did the fair bit of...] when I was a little younger. I used to call it "stroking the salami". Yeah, you know, "pounding the old pud". I never did it with baked goods, but you know your uncle Mort, he "pets the one-eyed snake" 5-6 times a day.