As Good as It Gets (1997) - Quotes

Melvin Udall: [Walks up to the couple he harassed earlier; Couple look at Melvin quizzically] How much more you got to eat? Appetites aren't as big as your noses, huh?

Woman at table: I said, "You love me the way you do your remote control as long as I switch every time you press one of my buttons.

Man at table: That's great! That's terrific--

Melvin Udall: [after the couple look at Melvin] People that talk in metaphors oughta shampoo my crotch. Eat up!

Melvin Udall: Oh, now I'm pissed! Now, I am REALLY PISSED!

Melvin Udall: OH! Don't touch! Don't touch!

Frank Sachs: Shh! Shh!

Melvin Udall: Don't touch!

Frank Sachs: Shut up! You think you can intimidate the whole world with your attitude, but you don't intimidate me. I grew up in hell, home boy! My grandmother had more attitude!

Melvin Udall: [calling] POLICE! DONUT-MUNCHING MORONS! HELP ME! HELP ME...!

Frank Sachs: Shh!

Melvin Udall: HELP ME!

Frank Sachs: [to Melvin Udall] Stop it! Shh!

Melvin Udall: [to Frank Sachs] Assault and battery! And you're black!

Frank Sachs: [suddenly loud; lowers his voice; running off] I like Simon! I like him enough to batter you unrecognizable if you verbally abuse him, or so much as touch that dog again! Meantime, I'm gonna think of some way that you can make it up to him. I HATE DOING THIS! I'M an art dealer...! Have a nice day. Okay! Party! Party!

Simon Bishop: Have you seen Verdell?

Melvin Udall: What does he look like?

Simon Bishop: My dog. You know, my dog with the adorable face? Don't you know what my dog looks like?

Melvin Udall: Oh, I got it. You were talking about your dog. I thought it was the name of that colored man I've been seeing in the halls.

Simon Bishop: Which color was that?

Melvin Udall: Uh . . . like thick molasses, with a broad nose. Perfect for smelling trouble and prison food.

Frank Sachs: I'm in a freefall here!

Frank Sachs: [to Melvin Udall] You wanna say no to me? You wanna say no to me? Cause I've never felt this crazy as I do right now. I almost want you to say no.

Simon Bishop: [to Carol Connelly] But you're beautiful, Carol. Your skin, your long neck, the back, the line of you. You're why caveman chiseled on walls.

Simon Bishop: [to Melvin Udall] Lucky for you, you're here for rock bottom. You absolute horror of a human being.

Simon Bishop: [to Melvin Udall] Is this fun for you? Hm? You lucky devil. It just keeps getting better and better, don't it? I'm losing my apartment, Melvin. And... and Frank, he wants me to beg my parents, who haven't called me for help. And I won't. And... I... I don't want to paint anymore. So, the life that I was trying for is over. The life that I had is gone, and I'm feeling so damn sorry for myself that it's difficult to breathe. It's high times for you, isn't it, Melvin?! The gay neighbor's terrified! TERRIFIED!

Simon Bishop: [to Melvin Udall] Rot in hell, Melvin.

Simon Bishop: [to Verdell; imitating Melvin] Do you miss the tough guy? Well here I am, sweetheart! Happy to see me, ya little piss-ant mop!? How bout another ride down the chute?!

Simon Bishop: [to Vincent Lopiano] Okay. Wh - What I do is I watch. You ever watch somebody who doesn't know that you're watching them? An old woman sitting on a bus or kids going to school or somebody just waiting, and you see this flash come over them, and you know immediately that it has nothing to do with anything external because that hasn't changed. And when you see it, they're just sort of realer, and they're more alive. I mean, you look at someone long enough, you discover their humanity.

Simon Bishop: [to Melvin Udall] You don't love anything, Mr. Udall.

Carol Connelly: [to Melvin Udall] When you first came into breakfast, when I first saw you, I thought you were handsome. Then, of course, you spoke.

Carol Connelly: [to Melvin Udall; She stops herself from saying "sexy" and regathers.] You look so s- . . . You look, uh, great. You look great.

Carol Connelly: [to Melvin Udall] I want your life for one minute where my biggest problem is someone offering me a free convertible so I can get outta this city.

Carol Connelly: [to Melvin Udall; raising her voice] If you ever mention my son again, you will never be able to eat here again. Do you understand? Give me some sign you understand, or leave now. Do you understand me, you crazy fuck?

Melvin Udall: [to the bartender] The next thing I know, she's sitting right there next to me. Well, it's not right to go into details. I got nervous. I screwed up. I said the wrong thing. Where if I hadn't, I... I could be in bed right now with a woman who, if you make her laugh, you got a life. Instead, I'm here with you. No offense, but a moron pushing the last legal drug.

Melvin Udall: [introducing Carol Connelly and Simon Bishop to each other] Carol, the waitress, Simon, the fag.

Melvin Udall: [about Carol Connelly's promise to never sleep with him] Never," she says. "Never," she says.

Melvin Udall: [to Simon Bishop] Quit worrying. You'll be back on your knees in no time.

Melvin Udall: [to Simon Bishop] Nelly, you're a disgrace to depression.

Melvin Udall: [to Brian] I'll be quiet. Just let me stay here. No problem. Go get Carol. Get her here. I'm not a - a prick. You are. I'm not judging. I'm a great customer. This day has been a disaster. I'm not sure if I can handle this, too.

Melvin Udall: [to patients in Dr. Green's waiting room] What if this is as good as it gets?

Melvin Udall: Worst sidewalk in New York. Look where they put it.

Melvin Udall: [to Verdell, affectionately] Yes, I hate the doggy! Yes, I hate the doggy!

Melvin Udall: [to Verdell; Verdell is avoiding the cracks in the sidewalk, just like Melvin does. Melvin slows and observes the dog mirroring his behavior. Verdell carefully places his paws again to avoid a crack in the sidewalk.; to Verdell; He laughs out loud.; He puts on plastic gloves.; He lifts Verdell to eye level.] I think it's a beautiful day for our walk today. Very nice. What? Huh? Hey! Hey! Look at that! Look at him! I've gotta give you something. I gotta give you something real good, too. Now, I'm gonna show it to you. Come on, buddy. Don't be like me, don't you be like me. You stay just the way you are cause you are a perfect man, and I'm gonna take you home and get you something to eat.

Melvin Udall: [to Simon Bishop] Well, I work all the time. So never, NEVER interrupt me, okay? Not if there's a fire. Not even if you hear the sound of a thud from my home, and one week later, there's a smell coming from there that can only be a decaying human body, and you have to hold a hanky to your face because the stench is so thick that you think you're gonna faint - even then, don't come knocking. Or, if it's election night, and you're excited and you wanna celebrate because some fudge-packer that you date has been elected the first queer president of the United States, and he's going to have you down to Camp David, and you want someone to share the moment with. Even then, don't knock. Not on this door. Not for ANY reason. Do you get me, sweetheart?

Melvin Udall: [trying to write; Simon Bishop knocks on his door] Love was..." Son of a BITCH! Pansy-ass stool pusher!

Melvin Udall: [to Simon Bishop] As long as you keep your work zipped up around me, I don't give a rat-crap when or where you shove your show. Are we done being neighbors for now?

Melvin Udall: [to Verdell, as he throws him down the garbage chute] This is New York. If you make it here, you can make it anywhere.