Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me (1999) - Quotes

Johnson: [notices Dr. Evil's spaceship on radar] Colonel, you better take a look at this radar.

General: Sir, are you suggesting that we blow up the moon?

President: [to the other generals] Would you miss it? Would you miss it?

Austin: According to this map, the entire island is crawling with Dr. Evil's guards.

Felicity: I want to make sure the explosives didn't get wet, but I can't find them.

Austin: Look in the bottom.

Felicity: [from the view outside their tent, their silhouettes make it look like she's removing items from his rear end] Okay, I'll dig a little deeper. Wow, this bag is really full.

Austin: Just keep digging, darling.

Felicity: [taking a rope out of the bag] I'll just feel around for them. Good Lord, Austin. What sort of things do you keep in here?

Austin: Oh, anything that catches my fancy, you know. Give it a good tug.

Felicity: [taking out an umbrella] Oh, do we really need this?

Austin: I'll ask you not to open that inside, thank you very much. Okay.

Felicity: Sorry.

Private Army Soldier: [in disgust] Oh, my God.

Felicity: [something gaseous goes off] Oops, it went off.

Austin: Yes, it does that from time to time.

Felicity: [coughing from the contents of a smoke bomb] Ugh.

Austin: Yes.

Felicity: Yuck.

Austin: Yeah, that's nasty. Yeah, sorry about that.

Felicity: [trying to waft away the odor] Smelly.

Private Army Soldier: [in disgust] Oh, these people make me sick.

Austin: [Felicity opens one and takes a drink, then shrieks] Can you snap me a beer? What is it?

Felicity: It's a gerbil. How did that get in your bag?

Austin: I...I don't know.

Dr. Evil: [shows a clip of a UFO from ''[[w:Independence Day (1996 film)|Independence Day] Mr. President, allow me to demonstrate the awesome lethality of the Alan Parsons Project. Fire the laser! ] blowing up the White House]

President: [freaks out and ducks under the desk] Damage report! Damage report!

General: It's okay. It's all right. Come on.

Dr. Evil: Well, actually, that was just footage from the movie Independence Day, but the real laser would be a lot like that. Yeah. Scary.

General: Ahem! Now, Dr. Evil...

Dr. Evil: [interrupts him] Talk to the hand cause the face don't want to hear it anymore.

Austin: [looks through binoculars around neck] Dr. Evil's headquarters is just over that next ridge.

Felicity: [pulls binoculars, with Austin, across] Let me look.

Austin: AAAGH!

Felicity: [pulls binoculars down] Damn it! How do we get in?

Austin: [stuck in Felicity's chest] Hello, Mummy. Mummy, can I have some chocolate? I want some Mars bars!

Felicity: Austin?

Austin: Don't smack my bottom, mummy!

Felicity: Austin?

Austin: [pulls himself up] Sorry, love. I got stuck in your dirty pillows.

Felicity: [drags Austin by the binoculars and heads into the tent] Let's look at the map.

Austin: Oh, God!

Dr. Evil: The key to this project is the giant laser, which was invented by the noted Cambridge physicist, Dr. Parsons. Therefore, we shall call it: "The Alan Parsons Project".

Scott: [snickers] Oh my god".

Dr. Evil: What now?

Scott: The Alan Parsons Project is a progressive rock band in 1982. Why don't you just call it Operation Wang Chung, ass?

Dr. Evil: What...what should we...

Scott: Nothing! I'm sure Operation Bananarama will be huge!

Dr. Evil: What're you saying?

Dr. Evil: [about his new "laser"; Scott snickers] You see, I've turned the moon into what I like to call a "Death Star". What?

Scott: Oh, nothin', Darth.

Dr. Evil: What did you call me?

Scott: [sneezes] Oh, nothin'. Rip-off!

Dr. Evil: Bless you.

Young Basil: Hello, everybody!

Austin: Hello, Basil!

Young Basil: The results are in. We've discovered trace elements of a rare vegetable found only on one island, here, in the Caribbean.

Austin: Whoop-de-doo! What does it all mean, Basil?

Young Basil: It means that this is the location of Dr. Evil's lair!

Austin: [sniffs his "coffee", then frowns] Smashing, Basil. Cor! This coffee smells like shit!

Young Basil: [looks at Fat Bastard's stool sample, from which Austin has inadvertently poured into his mug] It is shit, Austin.

Austin: [drinks the sample and smacks his lips] Oh, good. Then it's not just me. It's a bit nutty.

Frau: You know I will never love another man.

Dr. Evil: Well, yes. That's true.

Fat Bastard: Would you like some chicken? I've got more.

Felicity: No, thanks.

Basil: [voiceover, via Felicity's memory] Remember, by any means necessary.

Fat Bastard: [rolls on top of her] OOH! Frisky are we? Give it up!

Austin: [visiting his frozen past self] Look at yourself. You used to be so virile. You were a swinger, man. And now you're nothing. But at least it can't get any worse.

Basil: [in the video call] Hello, Agent Shagwell. Where's Austin?

Felicity: I must have said something wrong, so he just left all of a sudden.

Basil: Listen, Felicity, I don't want you getting too close to Austin. It's not meant to be.

Felicity: I don't get too close to anybody, Basil. My interest in this case is purely professional.

Basil: Good. Then you won't mind tracking down Fat Bastard tonight.

Felicity: No problem.

Basil: We need you to plant this homing device on him by any means necessary.

Felicity: No problem.

Basil: Keep up the good work. Remember, by any means necessary.

Austin: Those are skin tight. How do you get into those pants, baby?

Felicity: You can start by buying me a drink.

Austin: [as Mini-Me shoots a tranquilizer dart onto Mustafa's neck] If you're preaching to the converted, then why are you being so slavish to the three question form? It's my question. You're not even looking at me, man. You're just being rude, you know that? You're not listening, man.

Austin: Who sent you?!

Mustafa: You'll have to kill me.

Austin: Who sent you?!

Mustafa: Kiss my ass, Powers!

Austin: Who sent you?!

Mustafa: Dr. Evil!

Felicity: That was easy.

Austin: That was easy.

Felicity: Why did you tell us?

Mustafa: I can't stand to be asked the same question 3 times. It just irritates me.

Austin: Where is Dr. Evil hiding?

Mustafa: Why would he tell me? I'm just one of his low-level functionaries.

Austin: Where is Dr. Evil hiding?

Mustafa: You'll have to torture me. I'll never tell you.

Austin: [quickly] Where's Dr. Evil hiding?!

Mustafa: Damn! 3 times! He's hiding in the secret volcano lair.

Austin: Where's Dr. Evil's secret volcano lair?

Mustafa: [spits] I spit at the question.

Austin: Do I really have to ask you 2 more times?

Mustafa: Go to hell, Powers.

Austin: [slowly] Fine. Where is Dr. Evil's secret...volcano...lair?

Mustafa: I will take it to the grave with me.

Felicity: Aha! You have to answer. He asked you 3 times.

Mustafa: No, no, no! No. The second question was: "Do I really have to ask you 2 more times?". So that would be the first question in a new line of questioning, and wouldn't count in the other line of questioning.

Austin: He's right.

Swallows: [her accomplice fires a machine gun, and Austin uses her as a human shield until it clicks empty; he drops her to the floor] Prepare to die, Powers! Use the machine gun! Say goodbye, Powers! Use the bazooka!

Austin: [uses Robin as a shield again] No! No!

Swallows: [Austin moves her in front of him to break his fall; they land hard on the sidewalk; still alive] The fall will kill us both, Powers! You can't win, Powers.

Austin: Why won't you die?!

Felicity: Austin Powers, I presume.

Austin: Powers by name, powers by reputation.

Felicity: Felicity Shagwell, CIA. Shagwell by name, shag-very-well by reputation.

Austin: Oh, be-have.

Felicity: Not if I can help it.

Swallows: My name is Robin Swallows.

Austin: Swallows. That's an interesting name.

Swallows: Maiden name's Spitz.

Austin: Well, which is it, baby? Spitz or Swallows?

Austin: [about to travel back to 1969; cross-eyed] Wait a tick. Basil, if I travel back to 1969, and I was frozen in 1967, presumably, I could go visit my frozen self. But, if I'm still frozen in 1967, how could I have been unthawed in the 90's and traveled back to... Oh, no. I've gone cross-eyed.

Basil: [to the home audience] I suggest you don't worry about this sort of thing, and just enjoy yourself. That goes for you all, too.

Austin: [to the home audience] Yes.

Ivana: Austin? What's wrong?

Austin: Crickey! I lost my mojo!

Austin: Let me ask you a question. And be honest. Do I make you horny, baby? Do I? Do I make you randy?

Ivana: [gets up from the table; pause; Austin rips his shirt open] No more games. Dr. Evil sent me here to kill you, but I find you so... sexy! Just make love to me. Now, Austin Powervich! Hurry! Oh, you are hairy like animal!

Austin: Grr, baby! Very grr!

Ivana: Make love to me, monkey man!

Dr. Evil: [running up a ramp, he hits the Time Portal and rolls back down; getting to his feet] As you know, Austin Powers was frozen in 1967. Therefore, I will travel to 1969, two years after he was frozen. He'll be helpless. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm about to travel through time. I bid you adieu. I'm okay. I'm okay. Okay. Not turned on, I suppose.

Number Two: Why not use your knowledge of the future to play the stock market? We could make trillions.

Dr. Evil: [zoom up, play evil sound bite, and pause; grins] Why make trillions when we could make... Billions?

Scott: A trillion is more than a billion, numb-nuts.

Dr. Evil: All right. Zip it.

Scott: You - You can't even-

Dr. Evil: Zip it! Zip.

Scott: Look, all I'm-

Dr. Evil: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, ex-zip-it A.

Scott: Number Two, would you please back me up?

Dr. Evil: Look! I'm "Zippy" Longstocking!

Scott: Ugh. I can't-

Dr. Evil: [to the tune of Devo's "Whip It"; imitates whip] When a problem comes along, you must zip it! Zip it good!

Scott: Frau, would you please-?

Dr. Evil: [speaks Japanese; Subtitle: "Zip it".] Damare.

Scott: I'm just trying to-

Dr. Evil: Zip! Would you like to have a suckle of my "zipple"?

Scott: I want-

Dr. Evil: Sh!

Scott: [Dr. Evil speaks gibberish; Dr. Evil speaks more gibberish; again; again; again; again; again] Stop. All you- You- You're like a child! Talkin'- If you just- Just- One time-

Dr. Evil: Zip it. Unveil the Time Portal.

Dr. Evil: [Translation: How are you?] Frau Farbissina, Wie geht es Ihnen?

Frau: [Very good, Doctor.] Sehr gut, Herr Doctor.

Dr. Evil: How are things?

Frau: [reveals said female] I have come to embrace the love that dare not speak its name. To my right is my lover. We met at the LPGA Tour. Her name is Unibrau.

Dr. Evil: Right on. Welcome, Unibrau.

Frau: [looks at the coffee cream on Dr. Evil's nose; points to the nose] Dr. Evil, you, uh-

Dr. Evil: What? What?

Frau: You've got a little milk...nose...mustache.

Dr. Evil: [looks at himself in his mirror; wipes his nose] I know. I know. I meant to. That's how we drink it in Belgium. It's called a Belgian Dip.

Ivana: Do you know how we keep warm in Russia?

Austin: I can guess, baby.

Ivana: We play chess.

Austin: I guessed wrong.

Ivana: It takes a keen intellect to play chess, Mr. Powers. I assume you know how to play.

Austin: Of course, baby.

Austin: [shooting photos; gives away a camera] Okay, you're an animal! Yes, there we go. You're a tiger! You're Tony the Tiger! You're grrreat! Very good. Loving it. Now you're a lemur. Running as a pack. We go left. We go right. There's a predator out of the jungle. What's going on? Burrow! That's right, you're a lemur. That's all you've got. You don't have sharp teeth capable of biting. Make an interconnected series of tunnels like the Viet Cong. And look. I'm not even shooting you. It's crazy. And I'm spent.

Austin: Who are you, baby?

Ivana: Ivana. Ivana Humpalot.

Austin: Excuse me?

Ivana: Ivana Humpalot.

Austin: [laughs] And I vanna toilet made out of solid gold, but its just not in the cards now, is it?

Austin: [answering a video call while driving] Hello, Basil.

Basil: Hello, Austin. How was your honeymoon?

Austin: It turns out that Vanessa was a fembot.

Basil: [then, without pausing for a moment] Yes. We knew all along, sadly. Anyway, I have a new assignment for you.

Dr. Evil: Hello, Scott. Daddy's back.

Scott: [incredulously] How could you do this to me?! On national television?!

Dr. Evil: Well, throw me a frickin bone here, Scott.

Scott: Why'd you run out on me?

Dr. Evil: [audience starts groaning; to Scott; [w:Diet Coke|Diet Coke] Because you're not quite evil enough. Well, it's true. You're quasi-evil. You're semi-evil. You're the margarine of evil. You're the ] of evil. Just 1 calorie. Not evil enough.

White-Hooded Man: What are you? Some kinda freak?!

Scott: [stands up; bleep] Shut up, you er!

Dr. Evil: Okay, come on!

Hooded Man: [stands up, too; bleep] I'll kick your , punk!

Scott: [bleep] Bring it on, you skanky !

Dr. Evil: [to the hooded man; bleep; stands up and attacks the hooded man. The audience goes wild, as well as numerous bleeps, Jerry's bodyguards try to stop the fight; bleep] No one talks to my son like that. It's okay, Scott. You mother'er! You were born in your mother's !

Audience: [chanting] Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

Austin: [pushes the play button] Vanessa, what's going on?

Vanessa: [walks up to him in normal speed; her sentence is muted when Austin pushes the mute button; he pushes the same button again; Austin pushes the SAP button; in Spanish] I don't know what you mean, Austin. I'm the same Vane- You must be- -Tu imaginación está jugando con ti, querido.

Austin: [in the state of shock; Vanessa strangles him by the neck; he rips her face off and sees the face of a machine in its place] OH, MY GOD! Vanessa! You're a fembot!

Vanessa: [throws Austin aside and releases machine guns from her breasts] No shit, Sherlock!

Austin: Machine gun jubblies? How did I miss those, baby?

Vanessa: Perhaps next time you should try foreplay.

Austin: [to himself] Right. Oh, my God!

Dr. Evil's voice: [countdown reaches zero; "Vanessa's" head explodes, destroying bits of the hotel room] Here's your wedding present, Mr. Powers. A kamikaze bride from me: Dr. Evil.

Austin: [unharmed, checks to see if his crotch is intact; picks up "Vanessa"'s robotic left hand with the wedding ring on it; to the camera; realizes; smiles; laughs as he claps his hand with the robotic hand before tossing it away] Oh, thank God. I can't believe Vanessa, my bride, my one true love, the woman who taught me the beauty of monogamy, was a fembot all along. Wait a tick. That means I'm single again! Oh behave! Yeah!

Narrator: Austin Powers, International Man of Mystery, was frozen in 1967 and defrosted in the Nineties to battle his nemesis, Dr. Evil. After foiling his archenemy's plan to send a nuclear warhead to the center of the earth, Austin banished Dr. Evil to the cold recesses of space and settled down with his new wife, Vanessa, to live happily ever after. Or so he thought...

Astronaut: [''voice only, in helmet''; ''he sees a giant Big Boy statue in space from the first film''] Houston, this is Condor. We are doing an EVA of the payload, we are about Presenting with Module with... What the... oh, my Gentle Jesus! Houston, we have a problem!