Beetlejuice (1988) - Quotes

Barbara: [about the whorehouse (Dante's Inferno) in the model] Adam, why did you build that?

Adam: I didn't.

Juno: [to the football players; to the Maitlands] Will you guys shut up and leave me alone? I've got all this paperwork to do. You two, come in. Sit down. Get in here, both of ya! The whorehouse was my idea. I want Beetlejuice out of the picture! You two have really screwed up! I received word that you allowed yourselves to be photographed, and you let Betelgeuse out and didn't put him back, and you let Otho get hold of the handbook!

Adam: When?

Juno: [rolls her eyes] Never trust the living! We cannot have a routine haunting like yours provide proof that there is existence beyond death.

Dumb Football Player: Coach? Coach, where's the men's room?

Juno: I'm not your coach! He survived.

Very Dumb Football Player: Wait, Coach. Let me get somethin’ straight. What's our curfew around here?

Juno: [to Adam and Barbara] Will you get outta here?! Go on, get downstairs! "Men's room" - are ya kidding? Can't you read signs? I’ll be right back.

Dumb Football Player: Coach?

Juno: What?

Dumb Football Player: I don't think we survived that crash.

Juno: How did ya guess?

Adam: For instance, uh, what are your qualifications?

Beetlejuice: [refined voice; [w:Black Death|Black Plague; getting progressively more demented; [w:The Exorcist (film)|The Exorcist; screams; quietly] Ah, well...I attended Juilliard...I'm a graduate of the Harvard Business School. I travel quite extensively. I lived through the ] and had a pretty good time during that. I've seen ] about 167 TIMES, AND IT KEEPS GETTIN FUNNIER EVERY... SINGLE...TIME I SEE IT! NOT TO MENTION THE FACT THAT YOU'RE TALKIN’ TO A DEAD GUY! NOW WHAT DO YOU THINK?! You think I'm qualified?

Adam: Uh, what I meant is, can you be scary?

Beetlejuice: [shows a hideous face to the Maitlands that only shows tentacles from the sides to audience; both Adam and Barbara scream; back to normal] Oh! I didn't know what you were askin me. Can I be scary? What do ya think of this? You like it?

Lydia: Are you the guys hiding out in the attic?

Adam: [under the bedsheets] We're ghosts!

Lydia: What do you look like under there?

Adam: Aren't you scared?

Lydia: I'm not scared of sheets. Are you gross under there? Are you Night of the Living Dead under there? Like all bloody veins and pus?

Adam: Night of the what?

Lydia: Living Dead. It's a movie.

Barbara: You know, if I had seen a ghost at your age I would have been scared outta my wits.

Lydia: Of course I can see you.

Adam: Well, how is it you see us and nobody else can?

Lydia: Well, I've read through that handbook for the recently deceased. It says: Live people ignore the strange and unusual'. I, myself, am strange and unusual.

Barbara: You look like a regular girl to me.

Adam: You've read our book?

Lydia: Yeah.

Adam: You can follow it?

Lydia: Yeah. Why were you guys creeping around in Delia's bedroom?

Adam: We were trying to scare your mother.

Lydia: Stepmother. Anyway, you can't scare her. She's sleeping with Prince Valium tonight.

Juno: What's wrong?

Barbara: We're very unhappy.

Juno: What did you expect? You're dead.

Charles: [kisses her and forces her out his study room] Pumpkin, sweetheart... Go help your mother.

Lydia: [leaves the room] Maybe you can relax in a haunted house, but I can't.

Lydia: [on the new house; sees a huge spider on a web] Delia hates it. I could live here.

Delia: I can't believe we're eating Cantonese. Is there no Szechuan up here?

Lydia: I plan to have a stroke from the amount of MSG that's in this food.

Delia: This is our first meal in this house, so why don't we all do our little private parts to make it a pleasant one?

Charles: Don't bait your mother, Pumpkin. As soon as we get settled, we'll build you a darkroom in the basement.

Lydia: My whole life is a darkroom. One. Big. Dark. Room.

Delia: [[New York City] So you were miserable in ], and now you're going to be miserable out here in the sticks. At least someone's life hasn't been upheaved.

Adam: Barbara, I don't think we survived that crash.

Barbara Maitland: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!

Adam Maitland: We're ghosts!

Otho Fenlock: [about Beryl] Don't mind her. She's still upset because someone dropped a house on her sister.

Delia Deetz: Charles, I will not stop living and breathing art just because you need to relax. I'm here with you. I will live with you in this hellhole, but I must express myself. If you don't let me gut out this house and make it my own, I WILL GO INSANE AND I WILL TAKE YOU WITH ME!!!

Lydia Deetz: [realizing that Adam and Barbara are ghosts] The funeral. God. You guys really are dead.

Lydia Deetz: [slowly, for effect] My whole life is a darkroom. One. Big. Dark. Room.

Betelgeuse/"Beetlejuice: [last lines; talking to a witch doctor; referring to Harry the Hunter; Distracting the witch doctor; witch doctor looks away, he switches his ticket with witch doctor's] Pardon me. Did you do that? Nice work. Lemme ask you somethin'. How do you get em so small? There goes Elvis! Yo, King! Well, looks like I'm next. Good thing, too. (

Betelgeuse/"Beetlejuice: [howls] I'll eat anything you want me to eat, I'll swallow anything you want me to swallow, so come on down and I'll...chew on a dog!

Betelgeuse/"Beetlejuice: [after his head spins] Don't you hate it when that happens?

Betelgeuse/"Beetlejuice: [calmly; [w:Black Death|Black Plague; getting aggressively more demented; [w:The Exorcist|The Exorcist; calmly] Ah, well, I attended Juilliard, I am a graduate of the Harvard Business School, I travel quite extensively, I lived through the ] and I had a pretty good time during that, I've seen ] about 167 TIMES, AND IT KEEPS GETTIN FUNNIER EVERY SINGLE TIME I SEE IT! NOT TO MENTION THE FACT THAT YOU'RE TALKIN TO A DEAD GUY! NOW WHAT DO YOU THINK?! You think I'm qualified?

Betelgeuse/"Beetlejuice: It's showtime!

Betelgeuse/"Beetlejuice: Nobody says the "B" word.

Betelgeuse/"Beetlejuice: We come for your daughter, Chuck.

Betelgeuse/"Beetlejuice: [to Otho; Kisses Otho on the cheek and laughs] Not so fast, round boy. We're gonna have some laughs!

Betelgeuse/"Beetlejuice: [sees the Maitlands; mimes a golf swing and the Maitlands fall onto the floor] Well...what do we got here tonight, kids? Oooo, well, we got the, uh, Maitlands. Uh, I think, uh, they've had enough "exorcise" for tonight.

Betelgeuse/"Beetlejuice: Thank you. Thank you. That, is why I won't do two shows a night anymore, babe, I won't.

Betelgeuse/"Beetlejuice: Attention, K-Mart shoppers!

Betelgeuse/"Beetlejuice: [kicks over a tree; quietly observes it for a moment; grabs his crotch and squeezes it twice with a bike horn sound] YOU BUNCHA LOSERS!!! YOU'RE WORKIN WITH A PROFESSIONAL HERE!!! NICE FUCKIN MODEL!!!!

Betelgeuse/"Beetlejuice: I'm the ghost with the most, babe.

Betelgeuse/"Beetlejuice: Hey, these aren't my rules! Come to think of it, I don't have any rules!

Betelgeuse/"Beetlejuice: Let's turn on the juice and see what shakes loose.https://doyouremember.com/43467/9-favorite-beetlejuice-quotes

Betelgeuse/"Beetlejuice: [reading obituary; laughs; more laughing] Ooh-la-la, what have we got here? The Maitlands. Cute couple. Look nice and stupid, too!