Better Off Dead... (1985) - Quotes

Desire for Two Dollars

Taglines: I want my two dollars!

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Teenage Life: A Darkly Humorous Perspective

Taglines: Teenage life has never been darker...or funnier...

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Insanity Gallops in the Family

Taglines: Insanity doesn't run in the family, it gallops

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Embracing life's challenges and setbacks

Taglines: You've blown up your neighbor's mom. Your seven-year-old brother has better luck with women than you do. Your girlfriend has a new boyfriend. Relax, your never "better off dead".

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Holiday Hilarity and Dreaming Big

Charles De Mar: [starts to snort snow off his top hat] Wait, wait a minute... Oh. Oh! Ugh! Outrageous! I think I just froze the left half of my brain! Look! I can't move my right arm!

Lane Myer: This isn't funny, Charles! If I don't have a dream, I have nothing!

Charles De Mar: Ah, come on! It's Christmas Eve! I could be home right now, drinking this monster eggnog my brother makes with lighter fluid.

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The Fall of a Once-Great Champion

Yee Sook Ree: [imitating Howard Cosell] Truly a sight to behold. A man beaten. The once great champ, now, a study in mopishness. No longer the victory hungry stallion we've raced so many times before, but a pathetic, washed up, aged ex-champion.

Lane Myer: Alright let's go!

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Fear of Tools and Self-Doubt

Lane Myer: I have a great fear of tools. I once made a birdhouse in woodshop and the fair housing committee condemned it. I can't.

Monique Junot: I cannot do it" is your middle name.

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Miscommunication About Tentacles and Testicles

Monique Junot: I thought if Casanova and I in there had nothing to say to each other, he'd get bored -- go away. Instead he uses it as a chance to put his testicles all over me!

Lane Myer: Uh, his what?

Monique Junot: Uh, how you say... octopus... testicles.

Lane Myer: No, tentacles. N-T. Tentacles.

Monique Junot: Tentacles.

Lane Myer: There's a big difference.

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A Transaction for Services Rendered

Lane Myer: Johnny...

Johnny: Four weeks, twenty papers, that's two dollars. Plus tip.

Lane Myer: Gee Johnny, I don't have a dime.

Johnny: Didn't ask for a dime. Two dollars.

Lane Myer: Well... it's funny see... my mom, had to leave early to take my brother to school and my dad to work cuz...

Johnny: Two dollars... cash.

Lane Myer: See... the problem here is that... my little brother, this morning, got his arm caught in the microwave, and uh... my grandmother dropped acid and she freaked out, and hijacked a school bus full of... penguins, so it's kind of a family crisis... so come back later? Great.

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A Day of Mixed Emotions

Jenny Myer: How was your day?

Lane Myer: Beth just dumped me.

Jenny Myer: Oh, that's nice.

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Improvised Recipes and Awkward Encounters

Jenny Myer: [ladling an unidentifiable gelatinous substance onto dinner plates] I got the recipe from a magazine. The mail got wet in the rain, so some of the pages ran together, but what I couldn't read I just... improvised with my own little... creative ideas. It's got raisins in it. You like raisins.

Barney Rubble: [on TV; laughs] Hey there, Lane. I know this is a little awkward, me being a cartoon and all, I was just wondering how you'd feel if I took out Beth?

Tree Trimmer: [After Lane falls into a dump truck when trying to commit suicide off of a bridge] Man, that's a real shame when folks be throwin away a perfectly good white boy like that.

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The Taste of Success

Monique Junot: I think all you need is a small taste of success, and you will find it suits you.

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Practical advice for navigating obstacles

Charles de Mar: [giving skiing instructions] Go that way, really fast. If something gets in your way, turn.

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Snow's Street Value Inquiry

Charles de Mar: This is pure snow. It's everywhere! Have you any idea what the street value of this mountain is?

Impressive Skills Attract Attention From Girls

Charles de Mar: The K-12 dude. You make a gnarly run like that and girls will get sterile just looking at you.

The Ineffectiveness of Suicide as a Solution

Charles de Mar: Suicide is never the answer, little trooper.

Life in a Small Town

Charles de Mar: Greendale is a bodaciously small town, Lane. A fly speck on the map - a rest stop on the way to the ski slope. I can't even get real drugs here!

Long High School Experience and Insight

Charles de Mar: I've been going to this high school for seven and a half years. I'm no dummy. I know high school girls.

Language Proficiency and Its Implications

Lane Myer: [[w:Wide World of Sports (U.S. TV series)|The Wide World of Sports; [Howard Cosell] Two brothers... One speaks no English, the other learned English from watching ]. So you tell me... Which is better, speaking no English at all, or speaking ]?