22 quotes
Practical advice for navigating obstacles
Charles de Mar
Go that way, really fast. If something gets in your way, turn.
[giving skiing instructions]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Christmas Tree Emergency Response
Lane Myer
I gotta go, the Christmas tree is on fire.
[hangs up the phone.]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Insanity Gallops in the Family
Taglines
Insanity doesn't run in the family, it gallops
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Improvised Recipes and Awkward Encounters
Jenny Myer
I got the recipe from a magazine. The mail got wet in the rain, so some of the pages ran together, but what I couldn't read I just... improvised with my own little... creative ideas. It's got raisins in it. You like raisins.
[ladling an unidentifiable gelatinous substance onto dinner plates]
Barney Rubble
Hey there, Lane. I know this is a little awkward, me being a cartoon and all, I was just wondering how you'd feel if I took out Beth?
[on TV; laughs]
Tree Trimmer
Man, that's a real shame when folks be throwin away a perfectly good white boy like that.
[After Lane falls into a dump truck when trying to commit suicide off of a bridge]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Language Proficiency and Its Implications
Lane Myer
Two brothers... One speaks no English, the other learned English from watching ]. So you tell me... Which is better, speaking no English at all, or speaking ]?
[[w:Wide World of Sports (U.S. TV series)|The Wide World of Sports; [Howard Cosell]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Holiday Hilarity and Dreaming Big
Charles De Mar
Wait, wait a minute... Oh. Oh! Ugh! Outrageous! I think I just froze the left half of my brain! Look! I can't move my right arm!
[starts to snort snow off his top hat]
Lane Myer
This isn't funny, Charles! If I don't have a dream, I have nothing!
Charles De Mar
Ah, come on! It's Christmas Eve! I could be home right now, drinking this monster eggnog my brother makes with lighter fluid.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Transaction for Services Rendered
Lane Myer
Johnny...
Johnny
Four weeks, twenty papers, that's two dollars. Plus tip.
Lane Myer
Gee Johnny, I don't have a dime.
Johnny
Didn't ask for a dime. Two dollars.
Lane Myer
Well... it's funny see... my mom, had to leave early to take my brother to school and my dad to work cuz...
Johnny
Two dollars... cash.
Lane Myer
See... the problem here is that... my little brother, this morning, got his arm caught in the microwave, and uh... my grandmother dropped acid and she freaked out, and hijacked a school bus full of... penguins, so it's kind of a family crisis... so come back later? Great.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Life in a Small Town
Charles de Mar
Greendale is a bodaciously small town, Lane. A fly speck on the map - a rest stop on the way to the ski slope. I can't even get real drugs here!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Day of Mixed Emotions
Jenny Myer
How was your day?
Lane Myer
Beth just dumped me.
Jenny Myer
Oh, that's nice.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Impressive Skills Attract Attention From Girls
Charles de Mar
The K-12 dude. You make a gnarly run like that and girls will get sterile just looking at you.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Fall of a Once-Great Champion
Yee Sook Ree
Truly a sight to behold. A man beaten. The once great champ, now, a study in mopishness. No longer the victory hungry stallion we've raced so many times before, but a pathetic, washed up, aged ex-champion.
[imitating Howard Cosell]
Lane Myer
Alright let's go!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Taste of Success
Monique Junot
I think all you need is a small taste of success, and you will find it suits you.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Fear of Tools and Self-Doubt
Lane Myer
I have a great fear of tools. I once made a birdhouse in woodshop and the fair housing committee condemned it. I can't.
Monique Junot
I cannot do it" is your middle name.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Teenage Life: A Darkly Humorous Perspective
Taglines
Teenage life has never been darker...or funnier...
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Embracing life's challenges and setbacks
Taglines
You've blown up your neighbor's mom. Your seven-year-old brother has better luck with women than you do. Your girlfriend has a new boyfriend. Relax, your never "better off dead".
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Snow's Street Value Inquiry
Charles de Mar
This is pure snow. It's everywhere! Have you any idea what the street value of this mountain is?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Desire for Two Dollars
Taglines
I want my two dollars!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Miscommunication About Tentacles and Testicles
Monique Junot
I thought if Casanova and I in there had nothing to say to each other, he'd get bored -- go away. Instead he uses it as a chance to put his testicles all over me!
Lane Myer
Uh, his what?
Monique Junot
Uh, how you say... octopus... testicles.
Lane Myer
No, tentacles. N-T. Tentacles.
Monique Junot
Tentacles.
Lane Myer
There's a big difference.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Apologies in Crisis
Lane Myer
Gee, I'm really sorry your mom blew up, Ricky. Doctor says she'll be okay, but she won't be able to eat any spicy foods for awhile.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Language Barriers and Miscommunication
Lane Myer
She only speaks French, Roy. She doesn't speak imbecile.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Ineffectiveness of Suicide as a Solution
Charles de Mar
Suicide is never the answer, little trooper.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Long High School Experience and Insight
Charles de Mar
I've been going to this high school for seven and a half years. I'm no dummy. I know high school girls.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.