Cats & Dogs (2001) - Quotes

Sophie: [Entering the house...] That's right, Mr. Tinkles, you have been a very bad kitty! I'm just going to have to teach you how to behave. Now, you'll just have to live with me... ...and my sisters!

Mr. Tinkles: [Closing line] This can't be happening.

Mr. Tinkles: In just hours, every human in the world will be allergic to dogs! But such a mammoth plot requires brothers-in-arms - and this is where my genius truly comes to pass. For I have chosen a comrade that can invade every home in the world... because it is already in every home in the world! MICE!

Butch: Son of my mom!

Mr. Tinkles: Mice! The unlikeliest of allies! Thousands of you, covered in concentrated dog allergy! I'm sure you're all asking, "How can he possibly spread the allergy to the world?" So if you'll open your World Domination pamphlets to page three, I'll tell you.

Mr. Tinkles: [clears throat] You are to enter into the sewers and, using the maps provided in Appendix B, you will make your way across the nation. Half of you will infiltrate homes, infecting every human in sight, while the other half... err, turn the page.

Mr. Tinkes: [[w:Monterey Jack|MONTEREY JACK] ...will stow away on planes, boats and dirigibles to infect every corner of the world! And with the dogs out of the way, cats will overthrow the humans, and you will be given your much deserved reward: SIXTEEN POUNDS OF ], AND THE CONTINENT OF AUSTRALIA!

Mr. Tinkles: [Reaches into a box on the desk, and pulls out cork gun; angrily] As for you, Brody herd, I have a very, very, special... gift! WHAT?!?

Scott: Whoa!

Mr. Tinkles: I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO BUY A REAL GUN!

Calico: Yeah, that's what I was thinking...

Mr. Tinkles: [Throws the cork gun, firing the cork, breaking things and setting the room on fire; Starts to leave; to Calico] Ohh! What possible use could I have for THIS?! Hey, I'm so clever. You know, this is... yeah, this is just plain fun, yeah. I want you to stay here.

Mr. Tinkles: [over the phone, in a taunting "nyah nyah" sing-song] Meow-meow-me-meow-meow! How many dogs does it take to overthrow mankind? Just one stupid puppy.

Lou: Where is my family?!

Mr. Tinkles: Oh, they're alive... for now. But it won't matter. You see, I've--

Mr. Tinkles: [clears throat] THIS ISN'T NASCAR, YOU IDIOT! I have seized the professor's formula, and in a mere hour I will reverse it, giving me the power to make all humans allergic to dogs!

Butch: What?!

Mr. Tinkles: [clears throat again; laughs evilly] HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GLOAT GLEEFULLY WHEN YOU'RE DRIVING LIKE A CHIMPANZEE?!? I MEAN, REALLY! Now I will make all of humanity violently allergic to your wretched kind, and when you are all hated and despised by those you protect, you will be CAST OUT, leaving me to lead all of cat-kind in a glorious revolution to conquer the world!

Lou: What will we do?

Butch: We"? You just handed the world back to the cats and doomed the human race forever! There's nothing left to do.

Ivy: [approaches wearing high-tech equipment] You always give up too easily, Butch.

Butch: Is that what I think it is?

Lou: What, Butch?

Ivy: Yep, it's the Cat Tracker 2000.

Mr. Tinkles: [chuckles] Those fleabags must be running for the hills!

Calico: Yeah, I... yeah, that's what I was thinking.

Lou: [After Mrs. Brody brings home a Russian Blue kitten] I'm onto you kitty, and you're in big trouble.

Russian Blue: [Deep, male Russian voice] I think not, baby puppy. It is you who is in trouble.

Lou: Ugh, yuck!

Russian Blue: From Russia with love...

Lou: Uh-oh...

Russian Blue: ...stealth poop.

Mrs. Brody: I don't have time for this. Bad dog!

Ivy: [leaps into the skip and tosses out a roast chicken] Hey, can I show you something terrific? The Brodys have the best garbage on the block! Go on, take a bite!

Lou: [tasting the chicken] Oh my... whoa! You mean this is what they get to eat? What a gyp!

Ivy: Mmm, glad I'm not the only one excited about the chicken. I was beginning to think I've been a stray too long.

Lou: [chuckles nervously] Stray? Cool... I've never met a stray.

Ivy: Actually, I prefer "domestically challenged.

Lou: [trying to sound tough] Well, Miss Challenged, I'm sorry, but I think you gotta leave! My orders are clear! I am not gonna permit--

Ivy: [jumps down in front of him] Orders?

Lou: That's right! I'm a secret agent!

Ivy: [amused] An agent? Why, you're a little small for an agent. Shouldn't you be busy having fun?

Lou: I don't have time for fun!

Ivy: [she tickles his neck and belly, making him roll over in pleasure; starts to leave] Ooh, tough guy... Stop with the agent stuff, okay? You have your very own kid to play with. Don't take it for granted.

Lou: Whoa... Hey, where you going? Could you do that again?

Ivy: Next time the boy talks to you, just tilt your head and perk up your ears. You'll see what I'm talking about. And do me a favour - tell Butch Ivy's back in town.

Mr. Tinkles: When I rule the Earth, you will be the first on my list!

Calico: [chuckles, hiding behind a toilet] You should keep your hair like that, it's very slimming.

Mr. Tinkles: There's plenty of room on that list for you.

Calico: [emerging] No, I mean it.

Mr. Tinkes: [growls] We only have a few days to succeed, and although playing pet for that sick old man upstairs is key to my ingenious scheme, I cannot stand this humiliation any longer! Am I clear?!

Mr. Tinkles: [to Calico] So tell me, one of you - is the dog out of the way? Did the puppy fall for my clever trap, hmm? None of you have a tale to tell, hmm? A little story for me, perhaps? You! Tell me! Is the game afoot?

Calico: Err... yes?

Mr. Tinkles: [lightning flashes] WHY IS THE GAME AFOOT?!

Calico: I-I mean-- I mean, no!

Mr. Tinkles: Ah, excellent. So the puppy is dead. Now we can move onto--

Calico: Wait, wait, err... can I change my answer?

Mr. Tinkles: Is the puppy alive or not?!

Calico: Well, a-another dog told him it was a bomb.

Mr. Tinkles: Another dog?

Calico: [silence; the other cats at the meeting voice their agreement] Anyway, I'm sure we'll get into the basement lab just fine. Right, guys? Guys! See? Project Dark Cloud should go down without a hitch--

Mr. Tinkles: Dark Cloud"? Is that what I'm calling my plan?! "Dark Cloud"?!

Calico: Not that I know of! Err, what were you calling it...?

Cat: [from offscreen] Dark Storm"!

Calico: Storm"!

Mr. Tinkles: Dark Storm," yes, yes. Because like a powerful dark storm, I will make my presence known to the world! Like a seeping mist, I will creep into the dogs centre of power, and make them quake in fear AT THE VERY MENTION OF MY NAME!

Sophie the Maid: [entering the room] Oh, Mr. Tinkles?

Mr. Tinkles: [the other cats retreat under the table] AAAH! Hide!

Butch: How could this have happened?!

Control: It was an accident. He slipped through.

Butch: You promised me a professional! And what do I get?! A puppy! I mean, he's still got his you-know-whats, for crying out loud!

Control: There's no time, Butch. The puppy stays. End of discussion. Out.