8 quotes
Family Dinner Tensions and Future Changes
Nora
I really love having a family dinner where all you can hear is forks hitting the plates. You know, this could be our last chance to be together and you're totally ruining it. I'm glad we're moving to Houston, and so is Iron Mike or Donna Baker Butkus McNulty.
Tom
Bulk up.
Tom
You're burning a hole in my face.
Kate
Tom, you've gotta stop this whole training camp thing.
Tom
This is not some little fence-line squabble, Kate. This is just an epic battle between two families.
Kate
No, no, no, honey. I think this is Tom vs. Jimmy. I'm sorry, General, but you're starting to lose the respect of your troops. And that's dangerous. Give the kids some space.
Tom
Are you asking me to back out of the competition?
Kate
No, honey. It's just that... Especially with Sarah. This is her first crush. Come on.
Tom
What, with Eliot?
Kate
Yes. She needs to know that we trust her. She couldn't come to me and tell me that she wanted to wear makeup. Is that the kind of relationship you want her to have with us?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Family Dynamics and Awkward Moments
Tom
So, Sarah, Eliot seems okay. I see why you like him.
Jake
Somebody's turning red.
Sarah
Shut up! You know, thanks a lot, Dad.
Tom
What did I say?
Kim
Men can be so clueless.
Kate
Honey, men are clueless. I'll go talk to her.
Lorraine
Mom, let me do this, okay? Trust me, I've got experience in the area of parental harassment. Hey, I totally know how you feel. How are you? Dad can be pretty hands-on, in-your-face sometimes, huh?
Sarah
Just leave me alone.
Lorraine
A, I'm never trying to help her again. And B, I cannot wait to move to New York.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Concern for Movie Appropriateness in Theater
Tom
What are you doing here?
Jimmy
Well, if you must know, I'm still here to make sure that this movie is appropriate for our children.
Tom
It's rated G.
Movie Goer
Sir, could you please sit down?
Jimmy
What are you doing here so early?
Tom
The father of the daughter always arrives early for pickup duty. Everybody knows that.
Theater Usher
Excuse me, is there a problem here?
Jimmy
Yes, this man is harassing me.
Tom
This man is guilty of overparenting.
Theater Usher
If you two can't keep it down, I'm gonna throw both of you out.
Tom
Oh, my God. Look at this.
Jimmy
What? He's stretching.
Tom
He's doing "the move".
Jimmy
What move?
Tom
You're sitting in the theater, you fake a yawn... Oh, boy, am I tired. The hand comes over. Then a little while later, the head comes over, giving you extra reach here, right?
Movie Goer
Mom, look at those two down there.
Tom
See what I mean?
Movie Goer
Oh, sweet Jesus.
Theater Usher
Warning number two.
Jimmy
He was showing me "the move". Do you mind?
Tom
You don't know the move?
Jimmy
No, I don't know the move, okay? And I wasn't a hormone-crazed Romeo when I was a kid. I had self-control. I had social sophistication, just like my son.
Movie Goer
Psst, be quiet down there!
Tom
Your son has raging hormones like every other male teenager.
Jimmy
Meaning what?
Tom
Meaning on the sophistication scale, he's one step above ape.
Jimmy
Are you calling my son an ape?
Tom
He's an ape like every other male teenager.
Jimmy
Take it back.
Tom
I'm not gonna take it back.
Jimmy
Take it... Take it back.
Tom
Were you gonna poke me?
Jimmy
No, I was not gonna poke you.
Tom
You were gonna poke me.
Jimmy
Because you were asking for it.
Tom
Well, if I'm asking for it, why don't you give it to me? Give me a poke.
Jimmy
Oh, you want a poke?
Movie Goer
What's going on down there?
Tom
You call that a poke?
Jimmy
I call that a practice.
Tom
Give me your best poke.
Jimmy
You don't want my best poke.
Tom
I want your best poke.
Jimmy
Oh, you're asking for it!
Tom
I do. Yeah.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Negotiating Parental Responsibilities Among Friends
Skippy
Okay, we're willing to let it slide this time if you promise to keep your kids under control.
Tom
I really appreciate that, and we'll take care of it. Thank you.
Jimmy
There you go. Thanks, Skippy.
Skippy
Thank you, Mr. Murtaugh.
Jimmy
You just gonna talk to her, Tom?
Tom
How I discipline my kids is none of your business.
Jimmy
You know, I've been trying to say this in a nice way, but, uh... well, there's a good reason your kids are screw-ups.
Tom
My kids screwed up. They are not screw-ups!
Jimmy
You're not strict enough. Parenting isn't a popularity contest, Tom, but I guess if you knew that, your kids wouldn't be so undisciplined.
Tom
The only problem with my kids is that they're hanging out with your kids!!!!
Jimmy
It wasn't my daughter who got caught stealing.
Tom
And it wasn't my son who trashed a tennis court!
Jimmy
Do you actually think I'm screwing up my kids, Baker?
Tom
Yeah. And one day, they're gonna crack.
Jimmy
Well, why don't we test that theory... on Labor Day!? Murtaughs vs. Bakers... for the cup!
Tom
You're on. We'll see you there.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Bigger Adventure for a Big Family
Taglines
Same Big Family... Even Bigger Adventure.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Christmas Warning to Be Aware
Taglines
This Christmas You Better Watch Out!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Holiday Warning Alert
Taglines
This Christmas, you better watch out!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Sibling Tensions and Parental Interference
Kate
Hey, honey, how'd it... go?
Sarah
Dad was totally spying on me! You ruined everything! There's no way that I'm competing for you in that stupid cup tomorrow!
Kim
I can't believe you did that.
Jessica
Really, Dad, that is so big brother.
Bud
Yeah, let's go.
Nora
Come on, Bud, let's put this baby to bed.
Jake
Not cool, Dad.
Henry
You know, you and Jimmy aren't so different, Dad. Different styles, yeah, but same result. Let's go, guys.
Kate
Oh, honey. Honey, we talked about this, didn't we? The tighter you hang on, the more they're going to pull away, right? I'll go talk to her.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.