Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant Quotes

Desmond Tiny That's enough, boys.

Larten Crepsley Nice room. Some excellent reading material you have here. Thought this was on the internet now.

Darren Look, I didn't mean to hurt anybody.

Steve Who cares what you meant to do? What you did was take my place. That was my dream.

Darren Steve, what are you doin with him?

Steve Who? Murlaugh? Come on, man, he's not as bad as he looks. For one thing, he didn't say I had bad blood, like Crepsley. And for another thing, they didn't lie to me. And you know what? They think I'm awesome! They say I have a destiny, or whatever. Look at you. Who wants to be a vampire anyways? Vampires suck. Vampeneze rule!

Murlaugh Juicy!

Steve First guy I killed, Mr. Kersey. Blood, just gets me goin', you know what I mean?

Darren I wouldn't know, I haven't been drinking any.

Steve I know you; always trying to look Mr. Goody Two-Shoes, all the time. I bet you'll resist drinking blood, and resist drinking it, and resist drinking it. And then at the last second, you'll become this total bloodhound! All right, man, here's the deal. See, the fact guy, he still wants you on the team. And despite everything else, you are still my best friend. So I tell you what, I'll make you a deal that might just save your ass. If you kill your family, I'll let the freak go. Wait, my bad, that's backwards. If you kill the freak, I'll let your family live.

Murlaugh What? Let the juicy one go?

Steve Hey. Look, man, it's part of the plan. Talk to Mr. Tiny. So whaddya say? Oh, you gotta drink her blood, too. You can do her in with this.

Mr. Tall Are you boys 21? Are you 21?... Say yes!

Darren Shan Yeah.

Steve Yes.

Mr. Tall Good, you don't have a tendency towards panic, sudden cardiac arrest, or crippling anxiety do you?... Say no!

Darren Shan No.

Steve Nope.

Mr. Tall Good, go right in, the show is about to start.

Tagline Meet Darren. He's sixteen going on immortal.

Larten Crepsley Now boys, vampires don't exist, but if one did, and he thought someone knew, he might smother them in their sleep.

Mr. Tiny Careful. The first step is a big one. Oh, I know. You miss- the one known as Darren. You feel betrayed, abandoned- you're a loyal friend. Unlike him.

Steve Darren was a loyal friend.

Mr. Tiny Oh, really? What if I told you he's still alive? He's taken your place, stealing your dreams! Oh, I know. You dream of killing people, drinking their blood! You dream of leading a great, bloodthirsty army!

Steve Who the hell are you?

Mr. Tiny I'm Mr. Tiny.

Steve Are you a vampire?

Mr. Tiny Oh, I'm not a vampire. I'm not a vampeneze. I'm... an aficionado. I want to see a marvelous war!

Steve What do you want from me, you freak?

Mr. Tiny Oh, I'm not a freak. I despise freaks! Can a freak travel back and forth between life and death? I think not. Can a freak create new life from rotting flesh and souls? Please! Can a freak bring about the Apocalypse, and rule the world? No. Sadly neither can I. Not without help.

Larten Crepsley Thank you ladies and gentlemen. I am so excited to be here in an anonymous small town that used to have character but is now just a bland suburb filled with chain stores and surrounded by slum. It really is a pleasure to be here. And I am SO honoured that bla bla bla and so on and so forth and excetera adnosium.

Larten Crepsley Now, are you mentally unfit? Didn't you hear me threaten you at the show?

Steve I did. It was awesome. You see, I want this. I want you to make me into a vampire. Vampires- they don't take crap from anybody. They live by their own set of rules.

Larten Crepsley It's true; they do have their own rules. We wrote some of them.

Gavner Purl And one of those rules is: "Children can't become vampires.

Steve Look- blood!

Larten Crepsley Blood! You see Gavner! Blood... Look. If you become a vampire, you have to leave your friends, and your family; it's deeply depressing. Trust me. Now get out of here!

Steve I haven't seen my dad in years. My mom's drunk all the time. I absolutely hate my life! I've never actually said it before, but it's the truth. This is what I was meant for.

Larten Crepsley What you were meant for? Well, if that's the case, let's test your blood.

Gavner Purl Larten...

Larten Crepsley Who sent you here? Your blood tastes of evil. You can never be a vampire.

Steve What, I have... bad blood? I'm never gonna forget this. One day, I promise you, I will hunt you down-

Larten Crepsley And what? Kill me? You know how easily I could kill you. I could do it tonight. I could knock you out, and lay you in front of a bus, and no one would ever know!

Gavner Purl Calm down; save that stuff for the enemy! He's just an idiot kid! Who should be leaving, right now, while he still can.

Larten Crepsley You want to stay alive? You haven't been drinking blood yet; I doubt you'd be much good in a fight.

Darren Shan Well, what if they hurt someone?

Larten Crepsley People can look out for themselves.

Darren Shan You've been looking out for me. Why?

Larten Crepsley Why? Because I'm an idiot, that's why. Only an idiot would spit in the eye of Mr. Tiny. Because he doesn't just kill people; he brings them back, as well. And when I finally die, I plan on staying dead. Life might be meaningless, but death I still have hope for.

Darren Shan Life isn't meaningless.

Larten Crepsley Tell me that after two hundred years of it, kid.