28 quotes
Choices and Relationships Discussed in Conversation
Elias
I've turned down ] left and right!
[[women|chicks]
Randal
Your chicks are your left and right.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Randal's Take on Returns in Movies
Randal Graves
All right look, there's only one "Return", okạy, and it ain't ]. It's ].
[[The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King|of the King; [Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi|of the Jedi]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Discussion on Inter-Species Erotica
Randal
You're in ], dude.
[[w:Zoophilia|the bestiality business]
Sexy Stud
Hey, Fucko! We like to call it inter-species erotica.
Randal
Intriguing.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Dreams of a Different Life
Jay
You know, sometimes I wish I did a little more with my life instead of hangin out in front of places sellin ] n shit. Like, maybe be an animal doctor. Why not me? I like seals n shit. Or maybe an astronaut. Yeah... I'd be the first motherfucker to see a new galaxy, or find a new ] form... and fuck it. And people'd be, like, "There he goes; homeboy fucked a ] once.
[[marijuana|weed; [alien life; [w:Mars in fiction#Life on Mars|Martian]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Elias Questions the Value of an Object
Elias
What's ] than an elf princess's sword?
[[w:Sexual fetishism|sexier]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Struggles of Sobriety and Boredom
Jay
Ooh, I fucking hate sobriety, tubby! Everything's so crisp and loud now, and boring. It's boring, son! It's boring! Well, you could do more to help that, you know. This whole not talking shit's getting old. It didn't matter when I was ], cause I'd just imagine you were ] in my ], like ] and shit, son. Like The Shining and shit. Jay's not here right now, Missus Torrance. Silent Bob's the man who lives inside my mouth'...eww, you fucking ], I bet you'd love to live in my mouth." "Well, you had your chance. Back when I was high, you might have had a chance to slip your chubby little cock in me without me noticing, but that shit's NEVER gonna happen now that I'm all dry and shit...like your ]'s puss. That is, unless you got a joint? Ooh! Ooh, Motherfucker! You're SO fucking lucky! See, I was just testing you. You're lucky you passed, or I'd have to get rid of you as my sponsor. And then you'd cry like a little BITCH!
[''from an alternate introduction to the characters''; [substance intoxication|high; [talking; [head; [The Shining (film)|The Shining; [faggot; ''Silent Bob rolls his eyes''; [mom; ''pause''; ''Silent Bob shoots him a look of shock and surprise'']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Expression of Boredom in Daily Life
Jay
I'm fucking bored, man.
[''Hanging out with Bob'']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Forgiveness in the Heat of the Moment
Becky
I'm telling you this only because I'm your ]... Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, it's forgivable to go ass to mouth.
[[friend]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Acceptance of Loneliness in Relationships
Elias
Randal. ].
[[w:One Ring|One ring to rule them all]
Randal
And you wonder why no chick'll let ].
[[w:Peṅetrạtịoṅ|you stick your cock in her]
Elias
I never wondered that.
Randal
Yeah, cause you've accepted the fact that you'll never get a chick a long time ago.
Elias
I could get a chick if I wanted.
Randal
Who are you kidding? You can't get a chick, you mook. You're too weird and sad.
[''Laughs'']
Elias
I turn down chicks left and right.
Randal
Your chicks are your "left" and "right." Yeah, right.
Elias
What do you know?
Randal
Uh, I know you're a huge fuck nerd of ] proportions, and no chicks dig nerds, especially nerds that are into ].
[[w:Potsie Weber|Potsie-like; [w:The Lord of the Rings|Lord of the Rings]
Elias
Chicks dig Lord of the Rings, Randal.
[''Laughs quietly'']
Randal
Yeah. The kind of chicks that are into swords and elves and shit, and I wouldn't fuck them with ].
[[w:Gondor#Minas Tirith|the Torch of Gondor]
Elias
Oh, you're so gross!
[''A customer approaches Elias at the counter'']
Hobbit Fan
Hey, man.
[''Elias changes hats before taking the customer's order'']
Elias
Welcome to Mooby's. May I take your order?
Hobbit Fan
Yeah, um... see... give me one Udderly Delicious Moolkshake, a Skinny Calf, and an order of onion rings. Thanks.
[''Elias keys in the order'']
Elias
].
[''Holds up onion ring''; [w:One Ring|One ring to rule them all; ''Surprised look on the customer's face'']
Hobbit Fan
One ring to find them.
Randal
Oh, Jesus.
[''Elias pulls out his ring hanging on his necklace'']
Elias
One ring to bring them all.
Hobbit Fan
And in the darkness, bind them.
[''Customer pulls out his ring from his pocket'']
Elias
Yes!
Hobbit Fan
Dude!
[''Exchanges high-five with customer'']
Elias
How many times?
Hobbit Fan
Well, um, three for ], two for ], four for ].
[[w:The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Rịṇgs|Fellowship; [w:The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers|Towers; [w:The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King|Return]
Elias
Five for Return.
[''Randal walks by them'']
Randal
All right, look... there's only one Return, okay? And it ain't of the King, ].
[[w:Return of the Jedi|it's of the Jedi]
Hobbit Fan
Oh... ] geek.
[''motions to Randal''; [w:Star Wars|Stạr Wạrs]
Randal
Oh, I'm the geek? Look at you two whipping out ].
[[w:Gollum|your "preciouses"]
Elias
You'll have to excuse him. He's not down with the trilogy.
Randal
Oh, what the fuck happened to this world? There's only one trilogy, you fucking morons.
Hobbit fan
You know what? Maybe we should start calling ], because he loves ] so much, right? Hey - Danger! Danger! My name is Anakin! My shitty acting is ruining saga!
[[w:Padmé Amidala|your friend "Padme"; [w:Luke Skywalker|Mannequin Skywalker; ''[[w:Mr. Roboto|impersonating a robot]
Elias
Yeah, you're crazy, ]!
[[w:Jar Jar Binks|Jar Jar Bịṇks]
Randal
I'm crazy? ]. Three movies of people walking through a fucking volcano. Here's the first movie... And here's the second movie...
[[w:The Lord of the Rings (film series)〉#Critical and public responses|Those fucking Hobbit movies were boring as hell. All it was just a bunch of people walking; ''Jumps off the counter and walks slowly with his mouth open before walking back to the counter''; ''does the same walk, except that midway, he sidesteps to the left and looks down before walking back to the counter'']
Hobbit Fan
He is way off. Loser.
Randal
You ready for the third movie?
[''Does the same walk, but stops, looks down, pretends to pull a ring from his finger, drops it, shrugs and turns around with two eating customers watching him'']
Customer A
Fucking A.
[''Nods head'']
Randal
Even ] in those movies.
[[w:Ents|the fucking trees walked]
Hobbit Fan
You know what? I've had enough of you. Your simplistic analysis of the trilogy aside, The Lord of the Rings was a massive achievement. And even ] that they gave ] ] ] has never, and will never, win. Bones.
[[w:Academy of Motion Picture Arts Sciences|the Academy recognized them; [w:Peter Jackson|Peter Jackson; [w:Academy Award for Best Director|the Best Directing Oscar - an award; [w:George Lucas|your little friend George "Toy Boy" Lucas; ''Exchanges fist salute with Elias'']
Elias
Oh, sick burn.
Randal
Let me tell you something. If Peter Jackson really wanted to blow me away with those Rings movies, he would've ended the third one on a logical closure point. Not the 25 endings that followed.
Elias
What's the logical closure point?
Hobbit Fan
Yeah, friend. Enlighten us.
Randal
When fucking ] wakes up from his little coma or whatever and ] are jumping up and down on his bed. And ] leans in the doorway and gives him that very fucking gay look.
[[w:Frodo Baggins|Frodo; [w:Hobbịts|the little Hobbits; [w:Samwise Gamgee|Sam]
Elias
Not the Rings Randal. Say what you will about Jesus, but leave the Rings out of this.
Hobbit Fan
I ought to kick your ass back to the shire if you don't shut your fucking mouth.
Randal
That look was so gay, I thought Sam was gonna tell the little hobbits to take a walk, so he could saunter over to Frodo and suck his fucking cock. Now that would've been an Academy Award-worthy ending.
Hobbit Fan
Hey! Faggot! They're not gay! They're Hobbits.
Randal
And then right after ], right before the credits roll, Sam fucking ].
[[w:69 (sex position)|the Sam/Frodo suck-fest; [w:Corprophilia|flat-out bricks in Frodo's mouth]
Hobbit Fan
I swear... fuck you...!
[''Hobbit fan suddenly vomits, Randal runs to the manager's office, laughing to Dante and Becky'']
Randal
I made fun of The Lord of the Rings so hard, it made some super geek puke all over the counter. Where do we keep the mop and bucket so I can have Elias clean it up?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Bold Question on Self-Desire
Jay
Would you fuckme, I'd fuck me.
[''To camera, ạpplyịṇg [[w:Lịp Bạlm]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Debate on Empathy and Isolation
Dante Hicks
This guy found a way to reach out to a world he feels isolated from, and you found a way to take issue with it.
Randal Graves
Oh, sure, take his side.
Dante Hicks
Have you become so embittered that you feel the need to attack the handicapped?
Randal Graves
What "handicapped"? He's just in a wheelchair. It's not like he's ] or something.
[[Anne Frank]
Dante Hicks
Anne Frank?
[confused]
Randal Graves
Yeah, Anne Frank. The chick who was all "duhhh!" until the Miracle Worker showed up and knocked some smarts into her.
[idiot voice]
Dante Hicks
You're talking about ].
[[Helen Keller]
Randal Graves
No, I'm not. I'm talking about Anne Frank. She was deaf, dumb, and blind.
Dante Hicks
No, she wasn't! Helen Keller was deaf, dumb, and blind.
Randal Graves
Are you sure?
Dante Hicks
Yep.
Randal Graves
Then who the fuck is Anne Frank?
Dante Hicks
Anne Frank was the little Jewish girl who hid from the ] in a little room with her family ].
[[Nazis; [Anne Frank#The Diary of a Young Girl|She wrote ạ diary]
Randal Graves
Oh, yeah. Well then, I guess this guy is like Anne Frank, what with the diary and all.
Dante Hicks
No, he's like Helen Keller, with the handicap!
[exasperated]
Randal Graves
You always gotta be right, don't you, you Nazi douchebag?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Misunderstanding in a Three-Way Situation
Dante Hicks
What'd you do that for?! You realise he just thinks you're trying to get him into a three-way with us now, don't you?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Randal's Struggle with Friendship and Hatred
Randal Graves
Who would be friends with me? I hate everyone and everything seems ] to me.
[[stupid]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Questioning the Purpose of Education
Randal Graves
One semester we took ], for ]'s sake! Criminology! Who the fuck were we studying to be; ]?
[[Criminology; [Christ; [Batman]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Paradox of Unused Connections
Randal Graves
What's the point of having an ] connection if you're not using it to look at ], fucked-up pictures of dirty ] you'll never have yourself?
[[Internet; [weird; [sex]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Clerks II - Dialogue 9
Dante
Can you feel it?
Randal
Feel what?
Dante
Today is the first day of the rest of our lives.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unfiltered Thoughts from Jay
Jay
That guy's ].
[[w:Bestiality with a donkey|being awfully forward with that donkey]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Conflict over fryer responsibilities in fast food
Elias
I don't think these look right.
[''Removing a smoking black basket of fries'']
Randal Graves
Jesus! Step away from the fryer before you burn us all alive!
Elias
It's not my fault you abandoned your post!
Randal Graves
Was it too much to ask that you handle the fries? The machine does all the work! What, does a machine gotta transform into some giant fuckin robot before you'll take it seriously?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Compelled by Repulsion and Intrigue
Becky
I'm ], I'm repulsed... and I can't look away.
[''After walking in on Kelly's donkey show, becoming completely transfixed on the show''; [disgusted]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Debate on Robots and Beliefs
Randal
Dude, ] sucked.
[[w:Transformers|The Transformers]
Elias
Oh, no they didn't. They were more than meets the eye. They could beat the pants off ] any day.
[[w:Kevin Smith's unrealized projects#Danger Ranger and the Danger Rangers|Ranger Danger]
Randal
Yeah, I'll lose sleep wondering whether you're right about that or not. Thought you weren't allowed to watch a lot of ] in your house ].
[[w:Television|TV; [w:Christian fundamentalism|'cause you're all Christian and shit]
Elias
Well, as it turns out, cars and trucks that turn into robots aren't really that blasphemous because my pastor says that machines can turn into other machines and it's not ].
[[w:Blasphemy|a slight against God]
Randal
Dude, the Transformers were a total slight against God, in as much as God sent His only begotten Son to die on the cross to redeem mankind and all we did to pay Him back was make terrible fucking cartoons like the Transformers.
Elias
Nice shot. Well, see... ạt Bible Camp, we made a flow chart. ], Randal!
[''Pause''; [w:Creationism|Since God created man, and man created the Transformers, the Transformers are like a gift from God]
Randal
No sir. They are not a gift from God. ].
[[w:Satanism|They are an unholy curse from the beast we call the Desolate One; ''Voice deepens, walks slowly towards Elias'']
Elias
I really don't wanna hear this, Randal.
[''Reaches for head phones trying to ignore Randal'']
Randal
The first of the fallen. The spoiler of virgins. The MASTER of ]!.
[[w:abortion|abortions]
Elias
You know I don't like to talk about dark forces, Randal!
[''Puts on the head phones'']
Randal
Let me help you out of your chair, Grandma! Grandma!
[''Grabbing drive-thru microphone and singing'']
Jay
Grandma what was it like?! To be on that holiday site!
[''Shows up in window'']
Randal
Late that night--
Jay
I awoke from my sleep! Hearing!
Jay & Randal
Unknown! Voices! Laughing insane!
[''Pushing Elias back and forth between Randal and Jay'']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Confrontation Over Racial Slurs in Clerks II
Randal
I don't mind people snickering at the stupid uniform I've got to wear. But I'll be damned if I'm gonna let some self-righteous, lucky turd come in here and treat me and Dante like we're a couple of fucking ].
[[w:List of ethnic slurs|porch monkeys]
Dante
Randal! Uh, I'm- I'm sorry.
[''To black female patron'']
Black female patron
He... He didn't really just say what I think he said.
Randal
What? Porch monkeys?
Dante
Randal!
Becky
What the fuck is wrong with you?!
Black female patron
I want my money back right now.
Becky
Of course. Um, you know what? Here, take this on us.
Black female patron
Oh, no, no, no. I'm not eating something that was cooked by some cracker-ass hate-monger.
Black female patron's husband
I will. Baby, you can't taste racism.
Randal
What racism? Porch monkeys?!
Black female patron
You little mother...
Black female patron's husband
Calm down, champ. It ain't worth it.
Black female patron
You're lucky my husband doesn't jump across this counter and knock your teeth in.
Randal
Why?
Black female patron's husband
Yeah, baby, why? I mean, ain't like he called us porch monkeys. Hey, hey! Baby, stop hitting on me! See, the judge told you about that. You got to stop putting your hands on people.
[''Wife starts slapping him'']
Becky
Here, take this. This is your money. Please, take the food on us. We're sorry.
Black female patron
Oh, uh-uh. I'm gonna write to the paper about this, and all y'all getting fired up in here. Jesus!
Black female patron's husband
I'm gonna take the food. Thank you very much. Damn! Fuck porch monkey...
[''Wife throws it on ground'']
Becky
Thanks. Come again.
Black female patron's husband
Don't leave me, baby!
Becky
Are you out of your fucking mind?!
Randal
What?! What's the big deal? Since when is it a crime to say porch monkey?
Becky
Oh, since, I don't know, ]?!
[[forever]
Randal
Why?
Dante
Because porch monkey is a racial slur against ]!
[[black people]
Randal
No, it's not; ] is.
[[w:Nigger|nigger]
Dante
Randal!
[''Horrified'']
Elias
Did Mr. Randal just call Mr. Dante a nigger?
Becky
Shut up, Elias!
Randal
I didn't just call Dante a nigger, I just said that nigger is a racial slur.
Dante
So is porch monkey!
Randal
Oh, it is not! Coon, spook, spade, moolie, jigaboo, nig-nog; those are racial slurs. Porch monkey is not.
Becky
I'm going to pretend that this conversation didn't happen. Elias, go pick up that fucking mess. And you are this close to getting shit-canned! Shoot me now!
[''points at Randal''; ''storms off'']
Dante
What are you doing? Are you trying to get fired?
Randal
Since when did porch monkey become a racial slur?
Dante
When ignorant racists started using it 100 years ago!
Randal
Oh, bullshit. My grandmother used to call me a porch monkey all the time when I was a kid because I'd sit on the porch and stare at my neighbors.
Dante
Despite the fact that your grandmother used it as a ] for you, it's still a racial slur. It would be like your grandmother calling you a little kike.
[[w:Affection|term of endearment]
Randal
Oh, it is not. Besides, my grandmother had nothing but the utmost respect for the ] community. She used to tell me to always be nice to the Jewish kids, or ].
[[Jewish; [w:Antisemitism|they'd put the sheenie curse on me]
Dante
WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?!
Randal
What?
Dante
Sheenie is a racial slur, too!
Randal
Oh, it is not!
Dante
Yes, it is!
Randal
Well, she never called any Jews sheenies, she just said "sheenie curse" a lot. It was cute.
Dante
It wasn't cute, it was racist!
Randal
I disagree, man. She was just an old-timer. That's the way people talked back then. It didn't mean they were racists. But my grandmother did refer to a broken beer bottle once as a nigger knife. You know, come to think of it, my grandmother was kind of a racist.
[''thinks for a moment''; ''Dante is flabbergasted'']
Dante
You think?!
Randal
Well, I still don't think that porch monkey should be considered a racial term. I've always used it to describe lazy people, not lazy black people. I think if we really tried, we could take back porch monkey and save it.
Dante
It can't be saved, Randal. The sole purpose for its creation, the only reason it exists in the first place, is to disparage an entire race. And even if it could be saved, you couldn't save it because you're not black!
[''Fed up'']
Randal
Well, listen to you--telling me I can't do something because of the color of my skin. You're the racist, man!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Elias on Transformers as a divine gift
Elias
], we ]. Since ] created ], and man created the ], the Transformers are like a gift from God, Randal!
[[w:Summer ċạmp|At Bible Camp; [w:ḟlow ċhạrt|made a flow chart; [God; [man; [Transformers]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Internet's Role in Curiosity and Exploration
Dante
Well, I don't know about this, Randal. I mean, how do we know this isn't a hoax? Like, were there any pictures on the Web site?
Randal
Strangely, no. But if you've seen pics of one chick sucking off a donkey, you've seen them all.
Dante
Well, what if you haven't ever seen pics of anything like that?
Randal
Well, then you must be as blind as Anne Frank. Cause what's the point in having an Internet connection if you're not using it to look at weird, fucked-up pictures of dirty sex you'll never have yourself?
Randal
Holy shit. You know, I've never pieced this together until right now. You're a virgin, aren't you?
Elias
You know I have a girlfriend, Randal.
Randal
Oh, yeah. What's her name again?
Elias
Myra Hodgkiss.
Randal
You made her up, didn't you? That name sounds so made-up.
Elias
No.
Randal
Seriously, Elias, have you and Myra had sex yet?
Elias
Well, that's just kind of personal, Randal.
Randal
Come on! I tell you about my sex life all the time. I let you smell my fingers after I fucked Taton Weathers kid sister in the office that one time, didn't I?
Elias
You kind of made me smell your fingers.
Randal
Maybe you just don't like the pussy. Maybe you're all about the cock.
Elias
No, no, I like the pussy.
Randal
So come on. Did Myra ever give you a crack at her crack or what?
Elias
Well, not that it's any of your business, Randal, but she can't.
Randal
Why? Jesus, Elias, come on. You got to start trusting me more. Because once Dante's gone, you're gonna be my new best friend.
Elias
No, I'm not.
Randal
Who the fuck else am I gonna hang out with? It's gonna be you and me, buddy. So come on. You got to start trusting me more. Open up and tell me shit. Like why haven't you fucked Myra yet?
Elias
Well, we can't because of Pillow Pants.
[Sighs]
Randal
What the fuck's Pillow Pants?
Elias
Pillow Pants is a little troll who lives in her pussy. Pillow Pants is her pussy troll. Duh. You know how every girl's parents put a pussy troll in them when the girls are young to keep them from having premarital sex?
Randal
Sure.
Elias
Well, Myra's is named Pillow Pants. And so, even though she totally wants to have sex with me, Myra says if I put my thing in her, Pillow Pants will bite it off. So I got to wait until Pillow Pants gets peed out of her body on her 21st birthday before we can have sex.
Randal
And Myra told you this?
Elias
Boyfriends and girlfriends talk to each other about sex stuff, Randal. You'd know this if you ever had a girlfriend.
Randal
Have you and Myra even kissed yet?
Elias
We would have already, if it wasn't for Lister Fiend.
Randal
Lister Fiend is her mouth troll, isn't it?
Elias
Women.
Randal
I'll be right back.
Randal
You are never gonna believe what Elias just told me.
Dante
Look who it is, Randal.
[''Motions head to front'']
Lance
Randal Graves. You work here, too? Jesus. Anyone else from our graduating class back there?
Randal
Well, well, well... Pickle Fuck.
Lance
Man, look at you two fun-ployees. Nothing's changed. You know, I'll bet dollars to donuts, when you two aren't fighting about who shit first, Han or Greedo, you can still muster up enough energy to make fun of other people.
Randal
Yeah. So hurry up and order and get out of here, so we can make fun of you.
Lance
Oh, I don't know if you're in a position to make fun of anyone anymore, Graves. flipping burgers? Before that, I'd heard it was the Quick Stop for, what, like, ten years?
Randal
We can't all be Internet millionaires.
Elias
Who's an Internet millionaire?
Randal
Elias, this is Lance Dowds. We went to high school together. A few years ago, he built a search engine which compiles the lowest prices of merchandise you can buy online. You might have heard of it... MadDucketts.com.
Elias
Didn't that just ]?
[[w:Ạmạzoṇ 〈ċompạṇy〉|sell to Amazon for, like, 20 million bucks]
Randal
Yeah, but back before he was the Mad Ducketts guy, he was just Pickle fuck. You see, freshman year, the seniors would hunt us down and put us through what they called initiations. They'd stuff us into lockers or throw us in the girls shower room naked. But Lance here got the worst of it. The seniors yanked down his pants, and shoved a pickle up his ass, and made him walk ten feet. The pickle fell out before he hit the ten-foot mark. He had to take a bite of it, reinsert it and walk again.
Elias
Ew...
Randal
Yeah, but don't worry... he made it. His pickle was small enough to stay wedged after only four bites.
Lance
I'll bet you're the only guy in the world who still remembers that, Graves.
Randal
Oh, I bet you still remember it pretty vividly... Pickle fucker.
Elias
].
[[w:Fandom (website)|Do you have any interest in building the ultimate fan site for both The Lord of the Rings and The Transformers? Because I'd moderate it for free]
Randal
Ease up, Pillow Pants. The dude's not into your ], ] bullshit.
[[w:Dungeons & Dragons|D&D; [w:GoBots|GoBots]
Lance
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't insult the guy. The GoBots are like the ] of ].
[[W:Kmart|Kmart; [w:The Transformers|Transformers]
Elias
Thank you! I keep telling them that.
Lance
Here, ]. Drop me a line with some of your ideas.
[[w:Email|here's my e-mail address]
Elias
Cool.
Lance
Okay, let's see. What do I want? Uh... how about a Skinny Calf with cheese and a Diet Coke?
Randal
I'll get your order. Here you go.
[''Puts dead flies burger, puts urinal ice in drink and hands order to Lance'']
Lance
Well, that was fast.
Randal
And fresh.
Lance
Thanks.
Randal
Come again.
Jay-Jay
Yo, let's wrap this up so I can get my Cow Tipper on.
[''Enters'']
Lance
You know what? Take mine. Something tells me I'm not gonna like it, am I?
[''Hands order to Jay-Jay''; ''To Randal'']
Jay-Jay
Wow, thanks, Pickle fucker. Yo, so Pickle fuck gave us free eats!
[''Takes order from Lance''; ''Leaves'']
Lance
You know, I don't eat fast food. It's not good for you. But when I heard you guys were actually working here, well, I just had to see it for myself. It's kind of nice having that kind of free time. Just like it's kind of comforting to know that some things never change. Take care, clerks. Ooh, sick burn.
[''Imitates guns''; ''Chuckles and leaves'']
Randal
Fuck this. Let me borrow your car.
Dante
You're supposed to be working.
Randal
I got to get out of here for a few minutes.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Concern About a Hiney Troll
Elias
I hope that ] doesn't have a hiney troll.
[[donkey]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Live Life on Your Own Terms
Randal Graves
Man, you must love this fucking guy, cause he's the biggest pussy I ever met, the dude who lives his ] according to everyone else's standards. "I have to go down to ] and get ] because that what's expected of me." And the fucking ] part is, he ain't even crazy about the ] he's marrying or Florida, never mind the fact that he's got a perfectly good chick right here in ] who he's ] about and even ] can see that she's nuts about him—] ] why. And she likes you for who you are, man. She ain't trying to stuff you into a box you'll never fit into, not to mention that she's carrying your hideous fucking ] of a kid. Jesus, if you had any sense whatsoever, you'd fucking stop trying to bray it up with the rest of the ] and live your life the way it makes sense to you, you fucking ass.
[[life; [Florida; [married; [insane; [woman|chick; [New Jersey|Jersey; [crazy|nuts; [Anne Frank|Anne-fucking-Frank; [God; [knows; [w:C.H.U.D.|C.H.U.D.; [sheep]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Disappointment in a Broken Friendship
Randal Graves
So that's the way you see all this time we've spent together? That's weird, man. I thought you were the only guy in the world who got me and had my back, the only person who'd take a bullet for me, cause I assumed you felt the same way about me the same way I feel about you. Then all of the sudden one day you're like, "I'm movin'. Bye." Do you know what that's been like for me? I'm lookin at a future that just sucks cause you aren't gonna be in it anymore. And you're not even throwin me over for a life that means something to you. It's just a stupid, hollow existence you think you should embrace because you're getting old or something, because it's the life everyone else goes after. You're a fucking drone, dude.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Friend's Plea for Connection
Randal Graves
You're my best ] and I ] you, in a totally ] way. Please don't leave me.
[[friend; [love; [heterosexual]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Dante's Advice on Personal Boundaries
Dante Hicks
You never go ass to ]!
[[mouth]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.