Dan in Real Life (2007) - Quotes

Unexpected Inquiry in Conversation

Marie: What was that?

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Aunt Questions Dan's Hidden Talent

Aunt 1: Dan, what's your talent?

Dan: Murderer of Love.

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The Nature of Love and Certainty

Marie: It's sweet.

Dan: What's sweet? How is that sweet?

Marie: To be so certain; to feel that much love...

Dan: Love. Love isn't a feeling.

Marie: No?

Dan: It's an ability.

Marie: Well, if that's true, you have one gifted daughter!

Cara: YOU ARE A MURDERER OF LOVE!

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Love as an Ability, Not Just a Feeling

Dan: Look, I'm not your parent, but I should warn you: love is a dangerous feeling.

Marty: No sir.

Dan: Are you arguing with me?

Marty: [speaks spanish] No, I'm....It's just that.... Love is not a feeling, it's an ability.

Dan: Who told you that?

Marty: I made it up Mr. Burns.

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The Complexity of Love and Understanding

Cara: What we have is true love. Just because you don't have it doesn't mean you have to punish us for it!

Dan: Infatuation is not love. Sexual attraction is not love.

Cara: you don't understand.

Dan: Ah, I don't understand.

Cara: You don't even understand that you don't understand!

Dan: What don't I understand, Cara? Please, help me out. What is it? Is it frustrating that you can't be with this person? That there's something keeping you apart, that there's something about this person that you really connect with? And when you're near this person, you don't know what to say, and you say everything in your mind and in your heart, and you know, that if you could just be together, that this person would help you become the best possible version of yourself?

Cara: So Marty can stay?

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Concerns About Relationships and Timing

Cara: You don't have to worry. When it comes to sex, Marty's the one who wants to wait.

Dan: What about that sentence is supposed to give me comfort?

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Misunderstandings About Flirting in Family Dynamics

Jane: Dad, Lily just asked me why you were flirting with Marie.

Dan: I wasn't flirting.

Jane: Don't worry, I covered for you. I told her it was nothing.

Dan: Because it was!

Jane: Dad, I'm Seventeen. You were so flirting. And besides, it's not like she's the least bit interested in you anyway.

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The Struggle Between Desire and Restraint

Mrs. Burns: Why you're persistent in acting like a 15 year-old is beyond me.

Dan: I'm filled with reckless desire.

Mrs. Burns: You ought to be filled with greater restraint.

Dan: What does that mean?

Mrs. Burns: I think you know what that means.

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Friendship and Misunderstandings in Relationships

Mitch: Dude I'm sorry, but any girl that moves like that...a guy has got to wonder.

Dan: [points to Marie] Hey!

Mitch: Oh, no, she's cool. Marie, you're cool right?

Marie: Of course! I'm cool. But I don't think Dan's interested in her.

Mitch: He's not?

Dan: I'm not?

Marie: [Dan gets up to go dance with Ruthy] I don't think you are. Are you?

Mitch: Oh, alright! I don't know, but it seems like something was holding him back before.

Marie: Not anymore.

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The Impact of Brief Connections

Mitch: So, Harvard Medical, Johns Hopkins, you're certainly doing well for yourself Ruthy.

Dan: Yeah, it's impressive.

Mitch: Must not leave enough time, though, for dating.

Ruthy: [starts to cry] Well, there was someone...um, he was very special in my life, but um... he was...lost in a...freak accident, I'm so sorry! What's weird is that we had only known each other three days, but you know how sometimes you just...know.

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Family Concerns About Dan's Behavior

Mrs Burns: Dan, hi.

Dan: Hey.

Mrs. Burns: Honey, you know we're worried about you. You know that.

Mr. Burns: And with your behavior last night and this morning, we are now officially worried.

Dan: Well, I'm touched but, but, I'm fine.

Mrs. Burns: We're having a discussion.

Dan: No, no, come on in.

Mrs. Burns: Dan, this is private, we'd like to talk to you.

Dan: Go ahead.

Mrs. Burns: You know, you do so much for your girls, you do so much for all of us. But what are you doing for yourself?

Dan: Come on in.

Aunt 2: Can we come in?

Dan: It's fine. Stay please.

Mrs. Burns: We'd like to speak to you privately.

Dan: Go ahead, mom.

Daughter: Grandma?

Mrs. Burns: Yes, dear?

Daughter: Is this because Uncle Dan's acting so weird?

Uncle 2: Yes, and you know, there's an explanation for all that weirdness.

Dan: Please, tell us!

All: Oh, come on!

Uncle 2: I talked to my neurologist about this!

Mr. Burns: That's enough!

Mrs. Burns: That's not what this is about!

Aunt 1: The one question that no one will ask is: will Dan ever find love again?

Uncle 1: No, he won't.

Mrs. Burns: Howard!

Uncle 1: No, I'm sorry, he won't. If you're open to it, love will find you.

Dan: [laughs] Oh, perfect.

Uncle 2: I don't know if I was being clear before, but you've got to unclog that drain.

Dan: Uh-huh.

Uncle: Unplug that bottle...I think I mixed the metaphor there.

Dan: So far what you've missed is; worried, love will find, unplug the drain. Well, thanks we are done!

Mrs. Burns: No, no. That is not it. We met Margo Draper's daughter at the farmer's market and she asked all about you.

Mr. Burns: You see Danny, you have to have a little fun.

Mrs. Burns: Which means she's going to pick you up, and you're going to have drinks! You're going on a date!

Dan: No mom!

Mrs. Burns: Yes, honey! It's TIME.

Mitch: Ruthy Pig-face Draper? Come on mom!

Mrs. Burns: She's not a Pig-face!

Uncle 2: Ruthy Pig-face Draper...come on that is downright cruel!

Dan: Mom, I don't even remember Ruthy Pig-face Draper. I don't wanna go! I don't want to go with...the...pig-face!

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Frustration Over Personal Boundaries

Dan: Stop reading my book, okay. Just stop.

Marie: Why?

Dan: And that salsa thing you do? You know, this thing? Can you just stop that? It would be very helpful to me. And another thing you can do is just not exist.

Marie: Oh, thank you.

Dan: Yeah, I said it. I didn't mean it, but I said it. And you know what else I'm going to do? I am going to make myself less attractive. So as to not encourage any inappropriate feelings!

Dan: okay, that's hilarious. You know what, fine. I'm going to stop thinking about you.

Marie: Good!

Dan: I will. And if I start thinking about you, which may happen in a moment of...

Marie: Weakness.

Dan: Weakness! I am going to focus all of my thoughts on your flaws.

Marie: My flaws?

Dan: Your flaws.

Marie: And they are?

Dan: I have no idea. But you can rest assured that I will find them!

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Longing for Familiarity and Connection

Cara: I miss your skin. I miss your smell. I miss...I miss your eyes.

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The Importance of Guidance in Darkness

Dan: you know why we have lighthouses?

Kid: Because they're neat?

Dan: That's right, yes. And also because they help when it's dark out. They uh, help keep boats safe, and they help us from crashing into rocks. Because, when you're out there, and you're being tossed back and forth by those big dark waves, and you think that you'll never feel land again, and that you could just split into a million pieces, and just sink down all the way down into the deep, it's the light that keeps us on course. It's the light.

Lily: Dad, are you okay?

Dan: Of course I'm okay...Honey.

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Family Fun Plans and Nostalgia

Dan: No no no. This was the place with all of the shells, and the paper-mache shark!

Lily: When I was 4.

Dan: Yeah, but...okay. Stick with me guys. Oh, I have an idea! Let's go bowling!

Kids: Yeah!

Dan: [outside the closed bowling alley] Alright! Sounds good! Life is full of disappointment. Big, and sometimes even bigger. So, what's it going to be? The lighthouse or the whaling museum? Your pick.

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Brotherly Support and Understanding

Dan: I'm sorry. I was way, way out of line.

Mitch: No. You're never out of line, you're my brother.

Dan: I think you'll understand when I--

Mitch: Look, bro, there's nothing you could say or do that could upset me.

Dan: The woman I met, at the book store--

Mitch: [raises his hand and Dan stops] When you were talking about the other girls, I realized what I feel for Marie is different. You know that feeling in um...your...

Dan: Your heart.

Mitch: Yeah, your heart. And your heart is...

Dan: It's pounding.

Mitch: yes.

Dan: Like it's right outside of your ribs.

Mitch: Yeah.

Dan: And it feels exposed and vulnerable, wonderful and awful, and heartsick, and alive all at the same time.

Mitch: Yes! What do you call that?

Dan: Love.

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Discussing Opportunities and Experiences in Life

Mr. Burns: So a little bird told me you're going to be syndicated.

Dan: Lily. They're looking at a bunch of columnists, it's a long shot at best.

Jane: She's amazing! Name a place and she's either lived there or visited. Tibet, Chile, Berlin when there was the walls, she's...gah!

Mr. Burns: Well, Mitch certainly made out.

Dan: Yup.

Mr. Burns: And what about you?

Dan: Oh, Dad...

Mr. Burns: Come on, you always say that with Suzanne you won the lottery and to try again would feel greedy...But it's been 4 years!

Dan: Can we just walk please?

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Reflections on a New Connection

Dan: Mitch is a great guy.

Marie: He is, he is. He's fun and uh, funny. He's complicated, but in a good way. Just what I need.

Dan: He's a great guy.

Marie: See, I just got out of a relationship, and Mitch was there.

Dan: He's a great guy.

Marie: You keep saying that.

Dan: Well, because he is. So good luck, to all of us.

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Family Opinions on Relationships and Consequences

Mitch: Dad, Mom, what do you think of...?

Mr. Burns: Mitch, it's just too soon to tell!

Mrs. Burns: That said...she's bright, lovely, adorable, and if you botch this up, we'll keep her and get rid of you.

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Miscommunication Between Characters

Mr. Burns: What's wrong?

Dan: Nobody! I mean nothing!

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A Conflicted Message About Communication

Dan: I would call you to say I'm not calling. Wow.

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Widower's Unexpected Reputation in Bookstores

Marie: So you're telling me you're one of those widowers with three daughters who preys on unsuspecting women in bookstores?

Dan: It seems that way, yeah.

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Muffin Confusion in Dan's Life

Dan: I bought a muffin...but I think they gave me a small planet.

Self-Identity in Conversation

Marie: You. Are. Smooth.

Dan: Actually, I'm not smooth. I'm, uh, Dan.

Searching for Meaningful Humor and Connection

Dan: What are you looking for?

Marie: Something funny might be nice. But not something necessarily big, hahaha, laugh out loud funny, and certainly not-make-fun-of-other-people funny, but certainly something human funny. And uh, if it could um, sneak up on you, surprise you, and at the same time make you think that what you thought was only right in a wrong kind of way, and when you're wrong, there's a certain rightness to your wrongness. Well, maybe, what I mean is, more importantly, I'm looking to be swept up. And, at the same time, not. Meaning I want to feel a deep connection to something. Or maybe, I don't know what I'm looking for.

Parenting Challenges and Perspectives on Success

Dan: My kids can't stand me.

Dad: Just means you're doing something right!

Balancing Fatherhood and Family Expectations

Dan: I think your sisters aren't very happy with me.

Lily: Duh.

Dan: Why do you think?

Lily: You're a good father, but sometimes bad dad.

Dan: Who told you to say that?

Lily: no one.

Dan: Was it Jane or Cara? You can tell me.

Lily: I made it up myself.

Dan: No, you didn't. Jane or Cara?

Lily: I made it up myself. I'm in the 4th grade. I can make things up for myself.

Dan: Jane or Cara?

Lily: I made it up myself! I can think for myself!

Dan: Jane or Cara?

Lily: Jane, Cara: She's in the 4th grade!

Grounded Conversations Among Family Members

Dan: Sorry to interrupt your "studies" with your "friend.

Cara: Well we can't all be monks like you.

Dan: And by the way, you're grounded.

Cara: Oh yeah? For how long?

Dan: For life.

Jane: Dad, come on.

Cara: Yeah, this is humiliating!

Dan: Alright, you're grounded for a month.

Cara: A month?! But that's worse than forever! Okay, dad, why?

Dan: You lied to me.

Cara: Well you can't handle the truth.

Dan: Maybe you should try me next time.

Cara: but but but but--

Dan: no no no no.

Cara: Okay, dad, I, I love Marty.

Dan: Oh please.

Cara: Dad, dad, dad! Stop, listen! I didn't know right away! It took me a while!

Dan: How long is a while?

Cara: Well, I, I, I've known him for three weeks but I knew in three days.

Dan: Three days?! You can't know in three days!

Cara: Yes you can!

Dan: No! No. But the feeling, it is not love. It is young--

Cara: But I love him dad!

Dan: --and reckless--

Cara: I love him I love him I love him!

Dan: --and not thought out--

Cara: I love him!

Dan: --and you may think it's love, but it's not!

The Balance of Safety and Learning to Drive

Dan: Look, you're a fine driver, but the other hundred million--

Jane: If you never let me, I'll never learn.

Dan: But if I let you, you may not live.

Acknowledging Impactful Writing on Parenting

Dan: Yes?

Marty: Very good column, sir. The last bit about curfew is very apt. May I also say that yesterday's column on boundary setting was excellent.

Dan: Who're you?

Marty: I'm Marty Burasco. Anyway, I would like to especially thank you for last friday's column. It really helped me understand my parents.

Dan: [laughs] Okay. Well, Marty, what else can I do for you?

Marty: I'd like to see your daughter, sir, if I could?

Dan: Ah. Jane!

Marty: Actually, I'm here for Cara.

Dan: Nice to meet you Marty, come back in two years.

Family Road Trip Planning Conversation

Dan: So, the plan.

Jane: The plan! Hey Cara, Dad's about to reveal the plan!

Dan: I'll pack up the car and pick you up after school, and then we'll drive straight through.

Lily: Sounds good.

Cara: [slams fridge] Does not!

Dan: What now?

Cara: Well, wasn't like, the whole point to go to school? And now you're forcing us to miss school when we should like, be in school. Right, I mean what about my studies? Why are you smiling?

Dan: I just never thought I'd hear you say "what about my studies?" It makes me, like, smile.