Deadpool (2016) - Quotes

Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool: Not often a dude ruins your face, skull-stomps your sanity, grabs your future baby mama, and personally sees to four of your five shittiest moments. Let's just say… it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool: [before the final battle with Ajax] Time to make the chimi-fuckin'-changas!

Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool: [[w:127 Hours|127 Hours; Saws his hand off to escape from being handcuffed to Colossus; '''Negasonic Teenage Warhead:''' [notices Wade cutting his arm off; disgusted; blood splats on Colossus' face; Colossus gags in disgust; looks at camera; [w:Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret|Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret; He finally finishes cutting off his hand, and jumps off into an oncoming dump truck below, leaving his severed hand on the handcuff, giving the middle finger to Colossus.] You ever see ]? Spoiler alert. Oh, my God. Nasty.] Oh, there's the money shot, baby. "]".

Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool: [[w:Tyrannosaurus rex|T-Rex; after breaking both of his wrists trying to punch Colossus, causing his hands to flop around and resemble T-Rex arms] All the dinosaurs feared the ]!

Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool: [to Colossus; [Heaven's Gate (religious group)|Heaven's Gate] Listen! The day I decide to become a crime-fighting shit-swizzler, who rooms with a bunch of other little whiners at the Neverland Mansion of some creepy, old, bald, ]-looking motherfucker, on THAT DAY... I'll send your shiny, happy ass a friend request! Till then, I'mma do what I came here to do. Either that, or slap the bitch outta you!

Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool: [after successfully killing a henchman and puts his katanas away] Now, if I were a 200 pound sack of assholes named Francis, where would I hide?

Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool: [after skewering and lifting a henchman with his katanas] You're probably thinking, "My boyfriend said this was a superhero movie, but that guy in the red suit just turned that other guy into a fucking kebab!" Well, I may be super, but I'm no hero. And yeah, technically this is a murder. But some of the best love stories start with a murder. And that's exactly what this is: a love story. And to tell it right, I gotta take you back to long before I squeezed this ass into red spandex…

Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool: [Points to a henchman] You may be wondering, "Why the red suit?" Well, that's so bad guys can't see me bleed. This guy's got the right idea! He wore the brown pants.

Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool: [puts a red-hot car cigarette lighter onto henchman's forehead, then shoves it into the henchman's mouth] I've never said this, but don't swallow.

Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool: [we see how slowly the Zamboni is moving; he's actually about half the rink away from his victim] TELL ME WHERE YOUR FUCKING BOSS IS, OR YOU'RE GONNA DIE! IN FIVE MINUTES!

Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool: [to a henchwoman; cocks his pistol] This is confusing! Is it sexist to hit you? Is it more sexist to not hit you? I mean, the line gets real blurry!

Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool: [when entering a taxi cab; scene fast-forwards VHS-like past the fighting scene, up to Wade Wilson on a bed, masturbating with a toy unicorn in his free hand; scene fast-forwards all the way to where the ''actual'' movie left off with Deadpool lying in a pile of garbage in a truck] And we all know how this turned out. Whoops! Heh, you weren't meant to see that! There. All caught up.

Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool: [[w:Ice_resurfacer|Zamboni] You're about to be killed... by a ]!

Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool: [to one of Francis' goons; cut to Wade stabbing his knife through the picture on the corkboard; pulls of mask] I'm not gonna ask twice; where is Francis? He made me ask twice. Is the mask muffling my voice?

Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool: [before a montage where he asks Ajax's hench-people where he is, and kills them when they don't answer] This shit's gonna have nuts in it!

Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool: [[Taken (film)|I kidnapped his daughter and he just wasn't having it. They made three of those movies.] I had another Liam Neeson nightmare. ] At some point you have to wonder if he's just a bad parent.

Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool: [to Vanessa; [w:Yakov Smirnoff|Yakov Smirnoff; [w:Spin Doctors|Spin Doctors; [w:Iowa State Fair|Iowa State Fair] Listen, we both know that cancer is a shitshow. Like a "] opening for the ] at the ]" shitshow. And under no circumstances will I take you to that show. I want you to remember me, not the Ghost of Christmas Me.

Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool: [Walks by Blind Al and farts] Hashtag, "#driveby.

Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool: [[w:Meta-reference|fourth wall break] A ] inside a fourth wall break. That's, like, sixteen walls!

Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool: [to a thug who has run out of ammo; shoots him] Someone's not counting. Six.

Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool: [Tries to shoot a motorcycle-riding goon, and fails; casually; shoots a wounded goon dead] Bad Deadpool. 7. Good Deadpool.

Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool: You're clowning... you're not clowning? I sense clowns.

Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool: [losing bullets] 10! Shit! 9! Fuck! 8! Shit-fuck!

Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool: [after a gunfight where he kills a bunch of henchmen with just 12 bullets, he brings the barrels to his nose and inhales the smell of gunpowder] Ahhhhhhhhh. I'm touching myself tonight.

Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool: [in the middle of a fight] Ssssshit. Did I leave the stove on?

Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool: Maximum effort!

Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool: [to Vanessa, who is grabbing the testicles of a man who made a pass at her; [The Lion King|Hakuna his tatas] Hey, hey! ].

Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool: I’m just a bad guy paid to fuck up worse guys.

Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool: [while fighting Francis' goons on the highway; snaps one's neck; in the front seat, he holds the crayon drawing from earlier; his head is grabbed and bashed against the radio, changing the stations] I'm looking for- Francis! Have you seen this man? Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool: [while singing along to [[w:Shoop (song)|Shoop; [w:Salt-N-Pepa|Salt-N-Pepa; [w:Wolverine (comics)|Polverine; In an Australian accent; [w:Hugh Jackman|he's got a nice pair of smooth criminals down under; normally] ] by ], he notices the camera] What–oh! Oh hello. I know, right? Whose balls did I have to fondle to get my very own movie? I can't tell you, but it does rhyme with "]." And let me tell you, ]. Anyway, I got places to be, a face to fix, and–oh! Bad guys to kill!