Don Jon (2013) - Quotes

Life Beyond a Happy Ending

Taglines: There's more to life than a happy ending.

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The Universal Appeal of Happy Endings

Taglines: Everyone loves a happy ending.

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Uncertainty in Relationship Boundaries

Jon: What?

Barbara: I can't let you come inside just yet...

Jon: Why?

Jon: [keeps kissing her] Yeah...

Barbara: I think you should go back to school, baby...

Jon: Yeah...

Barbara: And our families meet... huh, yeah?

Jon: Yeah!

Jon: Yeah, oh!

Barbara: And after that, baby, are you gonna fuck me in my tight ass, baby? Please?

Barbara: And maybe come on my face? Huh, Jon? Do you wanna come at my face?

Jon: Oh, yes!

Barbara: Then come on, baby! Come for me! Cum! Cum! Cum...

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The Complexity of Relationships and Personal Agendas

Monica: [After Jon breaks the news to his parents about his break-up with Barbara] Well, maybe it's all for the better.

Angela: What are ya saying?

Monica: All I'm saying is, that girl, she has her own agenda. She doesn't care about Jonny, she doesn't know the first thing about him. She just wants a guy who's gonna do whatever she tells him to. It is a good thing that she broke up with you.

Jon: Thanks.

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Expressions of Love and Approval

Angela: [after meeting Barbara] I love her! I love her!

Jon Sr.: Pretty good, huh? Not bad at all!

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The Unsexiness of Household Chores

Barbara: Don't talk about vacuuming in front of me, come on!

Jon: Why, what's wrong?

Barbara: Why? Because it's not sexy, that's why!

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Uncomfortable Conversations About Preferences and Family

Danny: Listen, I don't like more than a handful of titty. No, no, no, no, no. No. A nice handful, I love it, but more than that, it's like, no! Shit starts to remind me of my mom or something.

Jon: Jesus Christ!

Bobby: Yeah, your mom do got some big-ass titties.

Danny: Don't talk about my mother.

Bobby: You brought up your mother.

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The Value of Awards in Film and Porn

Barbara: Movies and porno are different, Jon! They give awards for movies!

Jon: And they give awards for porn too.

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The Mutuality of Losing Oneself in Love

Esther: If you wanna lose yourself, you have to lose yourself to another person. And she has to lose herself to you. It's a two-way thing.

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Desire for Meaningful Connection and Intimacy

Barbara: [dry-humping Jon] Cause I don't know what that would mean, you know?... I don't wanna do anything unless it means something... Don't you think it's always better when it means something?...You'd be so sexy in a real job... so what'd ya say? You, me and our friends go out sometime?... And our families meet... huh, yeah?... And you take one class for me, baby? One little class? Huh? Yeah? Yeah?... and after that, are you gonna fuck me in my tight ass, baby? Please?...and maybe come in my face?... Huh, Jon? You wanna come at my face?... then come on baby, cum for me! Cum, cum, cum...

Connection Beyond Words

Don Jon: This fuckin lady! Now I don't usually like it when a girl looks me right in the eye, and this girl does that a lot. But I don't know what it is about her, when she does it, I don't mind. I just look right back at her, and pretty soon, I'm hard as a fuckin rock. It's like she knows what I'm thinkin', or I know what she's thinkin'. I don't know, it's a two-way thing. Fuckin love it! And I don't mean love like, oh I love her or wanna marry her, definitely not thinkin about all that shit. And she's not either... she can't. I guess I just mean love like, you know like... we're making love. And while we're doing it, all the bullshit does fade away, and it's just me and her right there, and yeah I do lose myself in her. And I can tell she's losing herself in me. And we're just fuckin'... lost together.

Real Love vs. Pornography Expectations

Don Jon: I'm in love with Barbara. I am. And tonight, I FINALLY got to fuck her. But I'm sorry to say, it's STILL not as good as porn. Tits-best ever. Ass-best ever. Blowjob-good luck. A girl that hot- she don't need to give head. For her, she just wants to go from kissing, to naked kissing, to fucking, you know, "making love." And, by "making love," I mean, "missionary fucking." No doggy, no cowboy...

Critique of Movie Romanticism and Reality

Don Jon: I don't watch too many movies. I used to watch them a lot when I was little kid, before I could get my hand on any porn. Cause back then, if I wanted to see a really hot girl, my best bet was to watch a movie. Now, I don't really see the point. I dunno, I must be missin out on somethin', because most people...eat that shit up. The pretty woman, the pretty man, love at first sight, the first kiss, the break-up, the make-up, the expensive wedding, and then they ride off into the sunset. And everyone knows it's fake, but they watch it like it's real, fuckin life!

Struggles with Expectations in Modern Relationships

Don Jon: Alright, I'll admit: there are some downsides. Like, there's some times you find a great clip with a hot chick, and right as you're startin to cum, it shows the guy. It's not much of a fault, really, but it still sucks, so... also, now adays, you got so much to choose from, so, finding the right clip takes a lot of time. And my time is precious to me. Yeah, I got shit to do, so...and, every once in a while, you find a clip that's so good, it's fuckin depressing. You think to yourself, "why can't real pussy be like THIS?" And, I smash new girls, all the fuckin time, always an 8, or better, and it's STILL never this good! What am I doin wrong? Maybe it's time to try somethin new, so...

Confession of Sins and Regret

Don Jon: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been one week since my last confession. Since last Sunday I had sexual relations out of wedlock two times. I also watched pornographic videos and masturbated seventeen times. For these, and all the sins in my life, I am sorry.

The Discrepancy Between Fantasy and Reality

Don Jon: [a clip of him having sex with a girl; a clip of his porn] See? This is what I'm sayin; real pussy is good, but, I'm sorry, it's not as good as porn. Tits? Great. Ass? Great. Blowjob? Sure, it's fuckin fantastic in person-if she'll do it. But in real life, if you wanna get head, you gotta give head. And I know, some guys love eating pussy, but the thing about those guys is THEY'RE FUCKIN CRAZY! Don't get me wrong, I like a good pussy eating clip, but from down here, there's nothing good about this. And if she finally does decide to do you the big favor...she's in a fuckin hurry. Now, when it comes to the actual fucking, first of all, condoms are terrible, they just are! But, you gotta wear one, cause, unlike porn, real pussy can kill you. Second of all, missionary is the worst position in all of fucking! The tits lie flat, you can't see her ass-you can't really touch her ass, cause she's lyin on her back. They don't want to do it from behind, cause they wanna look at you. Basically, it's all me doin all the work. Money shot? No, there is no real life Money shot! Real girls won't do that shit! You just cum through the fuckin condom! So, you tell me: which looks better? This? Or THIS?

The Don's Honest Confession About Pleasure

Don Jon: [as his computer chimes while turning on] Yeah. Not gonna lie. This sound - gets me hard as a fuckin rock. But I don't like to go too fast right off the bat. Yeah, I'd rather work my way into it, nice and easy. So I start off with some stills. Then, once I'm gettin into it, I start lookin for a video. I never actually touch my cock til I find the right clip. Then, once I do, goodbye. For the next few minutes, all the bullshit fades away and the only thing in the world is those tits, dat ass, the blowjob... the cowboy, the doggie, the money shot and that's it. I don't gotta say anything, I don't gotta do anything. I just fuckin lose myself. There's only a few things I really care about in life. My body. My pad. My ride. My family. My church. My boys. My girls. And my porn. I know, the last one sounds weird, but I'm just bein honest. Nothin else does it for me the same way, not even real pussy. And...why do you think my boys call me The Don'?