Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead (1991) - Quotes

Gus: Now are you gonna believe me or are you gonna believe some kid?

Rose: I'm gonna believe some kid, go to hell Gus.

Bruce: Hey, yo, Mad Dog. You wanna park the car?

Hellhound: We're on a break, dude.

Mole: Yeah, park it yourself, Metallica-breath.

Sue Ellen: [asking about her brothers and sister] Where are the kids?

Kenny: [Throws the can of [[w:Reckitt|Easy-Off] Zach's at Cynthia's, Melissa's upstairs, and Walter's asleep. ] into the oven and shuts the door]

Sue Ellen: What's wrong with you?

Kenny: [pulls the gloves off and throws them on the counter] Nothing is wrong with me.

Sue Ellen: [opens the fridge and takes out a can of [[w:Diet Coke|Diet Coke] Did you burn something?

Kenny: [annoyed] Yeah, well, maybe if you'd called and told me you were gonna be, like... three-and-a-half hours late, I could've planned my dinner better.

Sue Ellen: I had to work late, OK?

Kenny: You still shoulda called. I sat and I waited. I went ahead and I fed the kids. I worked all day on that casserole.

Sue Ellen: Sorry.

Kenny: You haven't even said how nice the house looks. You're off at the office all day doing interesting office things. I'm stuck here. Cooking and cleaning and mowing, helping Melissa with her fastball, being a role model for Zach, spending quality time with Walter, doin your party shit! You've got the car and you don't even take me anywhere anymore. And when was the last time we went out to dinner together, huh? Y'know what? I'm sick and tired of not bein appreciated.

Sue Ellen: I appreciate you.

Kenny: [storms into the living room and starts whisking the couch] Eat shit!

Sue Ellen: [[w:The Oprah Winfrey Show|Oprah Winfrey] I don't believe this! I get to get up at 5:30 every morning so I can beat rush hour traffic and go sit behind a desk for eight hours and miss ] every day on my summer vacation. And then, I get to drive home in gridlock in a VOLVO with no air conditioning just so I can take care of you guys and put food on the damn table! It's a rat race and it sucks, Kenny. So what do you want, a medal?... Oh come on, you don't have to do all this. I mean, I never asked you to whisk the couch.

Kenny: [stopping, wistfully] Well, it needed it.

Rose: Sue Ellen, have you ever had a 48 hour orgasm?

Sue Ellen: No, I've never been to Santa Barbara.

Sue Ellen: Did you turn the air conditioner on?

Kenny: Yeah, well I was hot.

Sue Ellen: Look I'm stuck with the bills, I would like to keep that thermostat at seventy-six, okay?

Kenny: Wow, you take these things so personally.

Bryan: I'd respect your privacy if you weren't so secretive.

Sue Ellen: Well, I'd tell you more if you didn't want to know so much.

Rose: Why don't you go on home, have a glass of wine and put some cucumber slices on your eyes, you'll feel much better.

Sue Ellen: Well, I'm all out of cucumbers.

Rose: Sue Ellen, every girl over twenty-five should have a cucumber in the house.

Gus: [casually hitting on Sue Ellen] By the end of lunch we'll probably be sharing our intimate histories, stories of our first time. Next thing you know we'll be sharing a cigarette in post-coital bliss.

Sue Ellen: Are you talking about us having sex?

Gus: Hey, hold on, slow down, you're moving too fast for me! But if that's an area you're interested in, it can be arranged. And if it doesn't, I was kidding.

Bryan: [[w:grunion|grunion] Anyway, the ] comes and lays her eggs in the sand and then the guy grunion, he comes and fertilizes them.

Sue Ellen: So they don't like do it together?

Bryan: No, not like us. I mean like humans.

Sue Ellen: Kenny, why don't you save your last three brain cells, you might need them.

Kenny: I won't!

Zach: Call the cops.

Sue Ellen: [[w:Liza Minnelli|Liza Minnelli] Oh yeah, what are we going to say, ] stole our Buick?

Carolyn: [to the person on the phone; takes another call; gives Sue Ellen an annoyed look; she stands up and glares at Sue Ellen] Hold. Reception. Well, I can't right now. I have to stay and redirect all the incompetents who are coming up here instead of going straight down to personnel like they are supposed to. All right, all right, all right, all right. You'll have about 12 seconds. I'll be right there. You... are supposed to go down... to personnel. That is on the first... floor. There's a great big sign that says... personnel. Do.. you... under... stand?

Sue Ellen: Yeah.

Rose: [walks up] Where's Carolyn? Mouse brown hair, gives ya a headache.

Sue Ellen: Talks like she's chewing her face?

Rose: That's her.

Sue Ellen: She'll be back in a few seconds.

Kenny: This place is a crock. We're never gonna make it through the summer. Man, I'm gonna hole up at Lizard's.

Sue Ellen: Oh, that's real brotherly of you, Kenny. Always taking the easy way out. Don't you have any pride?

Kenny: No.

Melissa: I got an idea. When our food runs out, we can eat Elvis.

Kenny: Sure she's gonna fit?

Sue Ellen: How should I know? I've never done this before.

Kenny: Well, neither have I.

Zach: I think we should measure her first.

Melissa: Let's hack off her head!

Walter: [in agreement with Melissa] Yeah!

Sue Ellen: Uh, alright, go get that, uh, metal tape measure thing out of the garage.

Kenny: Would you stop ordering us around, you're not the babysitter.

Sue Ellen: That's right Kenny, the babysitter is dead. Now just do it.

Zach: We told you to talk to her. We didn't want you to send her to the glue factory.

Sue Ellen: I didn't kill her, Zach. She died in her sleep.

Melissa: Probably choked on her whistle.

Walter: She doesn't look dead.

Zach: [[w: MacGyver (1985 TV series)|MacGyver] That's cause it just happened. So, you can't really tell, like on ].

Kenny: Um... what should we do with her body?

Sue Ellen: Call an ambulance, call the cops, I don't know. Well, I mean they're gonna come and get her and they're gonna ask us a lotta questions...

Kenny: They'll probably blame us.

Sue Ellen: They'll definitely call Mom.

Melissa: SHE'LL blame us.

Kenny: Yeah, she'll hop the next flight home and then she'll be in our faces.

Sue Ellen: I don't want Mom to come home.

Zach: I don't either.

Mrs. Sturak: Time for little boys to be in bed.

Zach: Can't you see I'm in the middle of a date?

Mrs. Sturak: [Opening the car door and tossing Cynthia out] And time for little trollops to go home!

Zach: I'll call you later, Cynthia.

Sue Ellen: Why are you guys wearing name tags?

Walter: She says she has trouble remembering things.

Melissa: We're supposed to wear them at all times, and she's getting us up at the butt crack of dawn to tidy up the garage.

Sue Ellen: I am going to have to let you go, Nicole.

Mom: Melissa, want to get down from there?

Melissa: No.

Mom: Get down from there.

Friend: Isn't your mom like leaving for months?

Kenny: Oh, you're right. BYE MOM, HAVE A BLAST!

Mom: She seems very nice, right? And she has lots of experience.

Sue Ellen: Of course she does. She's 200 years old.

Mom: Why did you leave your dishes in the sink, for me?

Sue Ellen: God, you take these things so personally.

Melissa: How come you gotta go?

Mom: Because, I've had a very rough 37 years and I need a break.

Melissa: You swore you'd sign me up for baseball.

Mom: Little League will still be there next year.

Melissa: So will Australia. I wish Dad were around.

Mom: No, you don't.

Mom: Zach. Put it back, right now. If you need money, ask me first.

Zach: Okay then. Can I have ten dollars?

Mom: Forget it.

Katrina: She's leaving you guys all alone? What about the kids?

Sue Ellen: Kenny'll watch Zach, Melissa'll watch Walter and I'll have Mom's car. I can go to the beach, I can stay out as late as I want to, anything! I'm a free woman.

Kenny Crandell: (after shooting the dishes) The dishes are DONE, man.

Zach Crandell: Cynthia, you're my moon goddess.

Rose Lindsey: Don't feel overwhelmed. Just do one thing at a time.

Kenny Crandell: [[w:Sno Balls|Sno Ball] Swell. Will you hurry up? Melissa and Zach are beating each other over the last ]. It's the last food we got.

Sue Ellen Crandell: [repeated line] I'm right on top of that Rose.

Sue Ellen Crandell: No-one'll hire a teenager to do anything that isn't disgusting.

Sue Ellen Crandell: [to Kenny; takes a box of frozen pizza and prepares to toss it in the air; [w: Celeste (frozen pizza)|Mama Celeste] Since we are the two oldest kids, one of us needs to earn money. We will settle it this way. ] face up, I go to work. Mama Celeste face down, you are selling carnations by the freeway off-ramp.

Sue Ellen Crandell: Relax Mom, everything's going to be great when you're gone.