Dumb and Dumber To (2014) - Quotes

Lloyd: Oh crap! I ordered a vanilla shake and they give me a chocolate one!

Harry: Tell me about it! I ordered a chocolate shake, those jokes gave me a vanilla one!

Lloyd: [They throw both their shakes out without realizing they have each other's shakes; the milkshakes hit the front of a truck behind them and splatter all over the window] They do that a lot!

Familiar voice: [The driver turns out to be a much older Sea Bass] What the HELL!??!

Sea Bass Friend: Kick his ass Sea Bass!

Sea Bass: [He pushes the accelerator and pursues them for long-awaited revenge] Those dirty sons of bitches!!!

Harry: Whoa, Lloyd. Check out the hotties at 12:00.

Lloyd: That's three hours away. Why can't I check em out now?

Dr. Lewis Meldman: [dragging Harry by his arm] You're out of here. You're out.

Harry: [surprised] Mrs. P.! What are you doing here?

Dr. Barbara Walcott: Do you always call your wife Mrs. P.?

Harry: Oh, uh... How you doing, sugar tits? I missed you.

Adele: This man is a fraud. And that box belongs to my husband. He stole it from us.

Captain Lippincott: Hand it over, buddy.

Harry: Uh-uh. I swore I'd only give this box to Penny.

Captain Lippincott: Gimme the box!

Harry: Here you go.

Harry: You're hot for my daughter!

Lloyd: What?

Harry: Am I right?

Lloyd: What?

Harry: Am I right?

Lloyd: That's insane!

Harry: Don't deny it, Lloyd!

Lloyd: How much for a beer?

Bartender: It's gratis.

Lloyd: [misunderstanding what "gratis" means] Ooh. That sounds expensive. Can you give us a moment?

Harry: Lloyd, we blew our money on the graduation robes. Maybe we shouldn't drink.

Lloyd: [notices two men finishing their beers and gets a sneaky idea] No way! I need booze, man. If I meet your daughter without a buzz on, she'll think I'm an idiot. Hey, wait a minute! What about the ol Stinkeroo?

Harry: [thinks for a moment] Yeah! I'm in.

Lloyd: [to Ms. Sourpuss as she walks by] Scuse me, ma'am.

Ms. Sourpuss: Yes?

Lloyd: This beer smells funky. Could I have a new one, please?

Ms. Sourpuss: What do you mean funky?

Lloyd: [holds out the glass for Ms. Sourpuss to sniff] Go ahead. Take a sniff.

Ms. Sourpuss: [sniffs the glass; takes the glass] EWW! I'll get you a freshie.

Harry: [holds out the hand that he scratched his butt with, only for Lloyd to hit him on the arm, reminding him to hold the glass out. Harry does so] Mine's stinky, too.

Ms. Sourpuss: [sniffs Harry's glass, then gags in disgust; takes the glass] Yours smells even WORSE! I'll be right back.

Lloyd: Yours smells even worse!

Harry: Thanks. You're really good at that, Lloyd.

Lloyd: [looks up] Well, I learned from the best. Thanks, Mom.

Lloyd: I'm his associate, Dr. Christmas.

Dr. Lewis Meldman: Ah, Christmas, like the holiday?

Lloyd: No. Like the tree.

Harry: [giggles goofily as Lloyd glares in anger at him] Bush club! Bush club! Bush club! Bush club!

Lloyd: I feel really good, Har.

Harry: Me too!

Lloyd: Really good!

Lloyd: [panicking] You might wanna step on it, Har!

Harry: This is stupid Lloyd, I'm not gonna steal an old lady's hearing aid!

Lloyd: Relax we're just looking for a backup pair, there's gotta be some around here.

Mrs. Snergle: Mikey?

Lloyd: [pretending to be Mrs. Snergle's grandson] Yeah, Gran. It's Mikey.

Mrs. Snergle: Oh, thank God you're here. I've got the diamonds.

Harry: [loudly] Did she say diamonds?

Lloyd: Go ahead, Granny. Mikey's listening.

Mrs. Snergle: I want you to take all the diamonds with you when you go. I've been hiding them from those thieving lawyers.

Lloyd: That's good. Granny did a good thing! So, where are the rocks?

Mrs. Snergle: [pointing down] They're underneath me.

Lloyd: [about to look under bed] You mean, under the bed?

Mrs. Snergle: No, under the blanket.

Lloyd: Oh.

Lloyd: [chuckling] I'm not finding anything.

Mrs. Snergle: Go up more.

Lloyd: Up here?

Mrs. Snergle: Keep going.

Lloyd: Did you hide them inside this turkey?

Mrs. Snergle: [inhales seductively] Yeah, right.

Lloyd: [wiggling his arm] Wait. There's no diamonds here!

Mrs. Snergle: [sternly] And you're not my grandson!

Lloyd: [trying to pull out his arm] Harry, she's got me. She's really clamping down!

Harry: [shuddering] Lloyd? I think that was her gran-gina!

Mrs. Snergle: That's right! So you can cross that one off your bucket list!

Lloyd: [thinking Travis drove off on them] I can't believe that douchebag stole our hearse. I hope something really bad happens to him.

Harry: No, but I tried ostrich once.

Lloyd: [stops Harry; waves his hand over Harry's face] Harry, holy cow! I'm worried about you. You're as deaf as a bat.

Harry: That's not exactly how it happened, Lloyd. Your mother got into bed with me.

Travis: I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 3. Whoever guesses it gets to be king of the car.

Lloyd: 1!

Travis: Nope.

Harry: 3?

Travis: Nope.

Lloyd: Okay, what is it?

Travis: 2.

Lloyd: [groans] Oh, I swear I was gonna say that!

Lloyd: Hey, you guys wanna play "He Who Smelt It"?

Harry: Yeah.

Travis: What's that?

Lloyd: It's complicated, so pay attention. We put the windows up, first one who smells a fart gets a point. If you say who dealt it, double points.

Harry: But if you say you smelled a fart and nobody farted, like if we were just passing a slaughterhouse...

Lloyd: False fart!

Harry: ...you lose a point. And you can't smell your own farts, either.

Travis: What, are you guys kidding? No! No! I'm not gonna sit around sniffing your guys farts like some kinda truffle pig! Forget it.

Harry: Okay, fine. Lloyd and I will play one-on-one.

Lloyd: Yeah, head-to-head.

Travis: How can you play one-on-one? If you smell a fart and you didn't do it, isn't it obvious the other guy did?

Lloyd: I thought you said you never played before.

Harry: Yeah, sounds like he wrote the rule book.

Lloyd: I think we might have a hustler here Har.

Harry: Uh-huh.

Travis: What are you doing?

Lloyd: [pause] I forgot.

Lloyd: Hey, when is this KEN thing, anyway?

Travis: It actually starts today, but Penny doesn't give her speech until the night of May 2nd.

Harry: So that gives us...How many days are in April?

Lloyd: Thirty days have September, all the rest I can't remember.

Harry: Must be 31, because nothing rhymes with August.

Lloyd: No, I think it's 32, Har. April's a leap month.

Harry: 31.

Lloyd: 32.

Harry: 31.

Lloyd: 32.

Harry and Lloyd: [overlapping] 2, 2, 2! 31, 31, 1, 1, 1!

Travis: 30! There's 30!

Harry: Thank you.

Travis: You said 31.

Harry: Yeah, but I was closer.

Bernard: [after Harry shows him the letter; He dials her number and hands Harry his cellphone] But that was a couple years ago, and I'm sure she'll appreciate all the trouble you've gone to find her. Let's call her.

Harry: It's ringing!

Lloyd: [whispers] Whoever this is, we're in the middle of something really important. Can you call back later?

Harry: [oblivious Lloyd is speaking] No, I can't call back later. I have something to tell you and it might freak you out a little bit, but...this is your dad.

Lloyd: [to Adele and Bernard] What? Hold on. Hey, guys? I know this is weird timing, but I got to take this. It's my dead dad.

Harry: [to Adele and Bernard] She's got me on hold.

Lloyd: Dad, what did you do with all those penthouses? Did you throw them out?

Harry: No, they're under my mattress. Why?

Adele: [sighs; takes the phone] You idiot, that is Penny's phone!

Harry: Oh, crap! We've gotta get back to Providence!

Lloyd: What? Why?

Harry: Remember how I told you Ice Pick had to make that rock candy run down to Maine?

Lloyd: Yeah?

Harry: I forgot to get someone to feed Butthole.

Lloyd: [sighs] Relax. I took care of it.

Harry: You did?

Lloyd: Yeah! Billy in 4-C's gonna feed him.

Harry: [chuckles] Oh, great. Well, didja give him the key to our apartment?

Lloyd: [goes to bed] No! You think I want wheel marks all over the rug? I just wrote him a note, left some food and threw Butthole inside his place when we were leavin'.

Harry: But Lloyd, Billy has over 100 rare birds in there!

Lloyd: So? They're not gonna mess with a 30-pound alley cat! Sheesh.

Billy: [rolls in the door and puts his keys aside; his apartment is completely trashed and the corpses of his birds are scattered; Butthole farts out several bird feathers and hops off the couch] Hey, gang! I'm home! Guys? You sure are quiet. Speak to me, Siskel.

Siskel: [squawks] The horror. The horror.

Harry: Boy, I sure wish I could've been there for her (Penny) when she was little.

Lloyd: Whatever. That's all water under the fridge now, Har. Think of the bright side. You're finally getting to meet her, and you never had to change all those poopy diapers.

Harry: That's called being a parent, Lloyd. Besides, I changed your poopy diapers for 20 years.

Lloyd: [chuckling] I totally sucked you in. Half the time, it wasn't even my poop.

Lloyd: Wanna hear the second most annoying sound in the world?

Harry: [Lloyd constantly rings the doorbell] Sure. Yeah. That's pretty annoying.

Lloyd: No, not that.

Mrs. Stainer: [answering the door] WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING RINGING OUR DOORBELL LIKE THAT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT?!

Lloyd: That!

Harry's Dad: We love you, Harry.

Lloyd: Did you love him long time?

Lloyd: [Lloyd notices Harry has a meth dealer in their apartment] Who's the astronaut?

Harry: Oh that's my new room-mate.

Lloyd: [shocked and slightly disappointed] Roommate? You have a new roommate?

Harry: Well you know I had to get someone to pay your half of the rent while you were in hospital. How's it going, Ice Pick?

Ice Pick: Best day ever. Greatest day of my life, really.

Harry: Pick cooks up a rock candy that will make you dizzy. Folks come from all over the city to buy them.

Lloyd: It's burning my eyes! Must be Cajun style!

Lloyd: [picks up Harry's cat] Oh, yeah! Hey! Who's this?

Harry: That's Butthole. I found him out in the alley a couple years ago.

Lloyd: Why did you name him Butthole?

Harry: [shows the cat's anus] Cause of this.

Lloyd: Oh, yeah. Good name. Totally fits.

Lloyd: Why don't you roll me inside? We'll get the nurse to take the catheter outta me. I wanna see if my lizard's still spittin straight.

Harry: We don't need nurses for that. I know how to do it.

Lloyd: But don't you have to...

Harry: Anyway, you're in good hands here. So... take care, buddy.

Harry: [stops in his tracks] Lloyd, did you say something?

Lloyd: [barely audible] I got ya.

Harry: That's it, kid. You can do it. Come on! Come on, come on, come on! Spit it out!

Lloyd: [suddenly shouts in Harry's face; laughs] GOT YA!!!!

Harry: [stammers] What?

Lloyd: [gets up from his wheelchair] You should see the look on your face! I got you so good!!!

Harry: Wait a second! Are you telling me that you were faking for 20 years?!

Lloyd: Uh-huh.

Harry: So you mean that you just wasted the best years of your life...

Lloyd: [scoffs] Out the window.

Harry: And you let me come here every Wednesday for like, 1,000 weeks, and it was all just for a gag!?

Lloyd: Uh-huh!

Harry: That's... awesome!

Asylum Nurse #1: [talking about Harry] There he is again. Almost two decades and he still comes.

Harry Dunne: That's weird. The smell of peanuts makes my weenie cold.

Harry Dunne: [going through his extremely old mail left at his childhood home] Oh, look. An acceptance letter from Arizona State.

Lloyd Christmas: Hey, Billy! I hear you got a lot of flocking birds.

Lloyd Christmas: Crap on toast!