Eight Crazy Nights (2002) - Quotes

Whitey: [''In bathroom shaving''] Shaving the chest.

Prank caller: Hello? Hi, is Ophelia there?

Eleanor: Ophelia who?

Prank caller: Ophelia hiney.

Eleanor: [''Hangs up and Davey enters the house''] Oh, feel my hiney?! You hoodlums better bring my wig back! I know it was you! It's a home-invasion robbery! Take whatever you want, but please don't chop my legs off!

Whitey: It's okay, Eleanor, it's okay!

Eleanor: Whitey, thank God you're here! We're being robbed by a lunatic! Mister, if you're going to kill us, take off your wet shoes. They're soaking the carpet!

Whitey: Eleanor, that's Davey Stone, my new partner.

Eleanor: The criminal?! Did he force you to bring him here so he could molest you?!

Whitey: His home just went up in flames. So I invited him to stay with us for a while.

Eleanor: Okay, but I'm making an inventory... of every single item in this house!

Davey: Fascinating.

Eleanor: Look! He already stole something. He's hiding it in his jacket.

Davey: I didn't steal this. It's a card my parents gave me.

Eleanor: So why don't you go stay with them?

Davey: They died.

Eleanor: My bad.

Davey: [''Takes out a flask''] Here's to you guys for letting me crash over.

Eleanor: Alcohol in our house? This is never going to work.

Whitey: It will. We just need to set some rules so Davey knows how we do things here.

Eleanor: I'm scared.

Whitey: Look. You gotta understand it's just been me and Eleanor for 67 years... so she gets nervous around strangers.

Davey: [''Referring to side table photo of Whitey and Eleanor as children''] I wouldn't show that picture to anyone... or they may try to take you two back to the laboratory.

Whitey: Listen. We got rules in this house... And you better follow them or you'll find yourself out of here.

Davey: This might be harder than I thought.

Whitey: [''Starts singing''; ''does air quotes''] If you're coming from the street with dirty shoes on your feet that's a technical foul if you switch the radio to some "modern" music show, that's a technical foul. If you don't shut the door after using the frigerator, that's (x2) a technical foul... if you touch the thermostat

Eleanor: you'll get hit with a bat....

Whitey: ...'cause that's a technical foul...

Eleanor: ...you will feel my wrath...

Whitey: If your hair clogs the drain...

Eleanor: [''swings around num-chuks''] ...you'll know the meaning of pain...

Whitey: ...'cause that's a technical foul...

Eleanor: [''Splits a board with head''] I'll show you no mercy!

Davey: Ho, this is such bullshit!

Whitey: In this house, we say "bullspit" or...

Whitey and Eleanor: ...it's (x2) a technical foul...

Davey: Let me get this straight. You expect me to change my lifestyle in one night... Because you guys are a couple of psychotic control freaks?

Whitey: [[w:Yankee Doodle|Yankee doodle] You got it, bub. Or you can go rot in the gutter. It's up to you, ].

Davey: [[w:Lysol|Lysol] I don't want to do that... but let me run a few questions by you so I don't screw up accidentally. If I don't spray ] after moving a bowel?

Davey: [[w:Monogram|monogrammed towel] That's a technical foul if I decide to wash my ass with your ]?

Whitey: That's a technical foul...

Eleanor: [''in ordinary voice''] Please, say "hiney.

Davey: [''Points to Eleanor's feet''; ''motions to Eleanor''; [w:Diabetes|Miss Diabetes?] If I make fun of your crazy feeties or give sugar cookies to ]

Whitey: [''in hushed voice''; [w:homicide|a homicide...] That's not only a technical foul... but possibly ]

Davey: Can I sleep past three?!

Whitey: If you do, you'll get a "T"!

Davey: [[w:urination|Take a whiz in those flowers?!] ]

Whitey: I'll say, "hit the showers

Davey: [''Slides down stair railings with a [[w:trombone|trombone] ] with Whitey snatching it from him] Use this horn as a bong?!

Whitey: [[w:Tommy Chong|Tommy Chong] Adios, ]!

Davey: [[w:Long-distance calling|Make some long-distance calls] ]?!

Whitey: [[w:Groin attack|You'll get a kick in the balls] ], oops!

Davey: [[w:Nocturnal penile tumescence|my morning erection?] Can I walk around with ]

Whitey: If you want an automatic ejection, cause that's a technical foul...

Eleanor: [''Waves a hand down with Davey making a face of revulsion''; ''[[w:Eyebrow flash|Flashes eyebrows] But I'd like to see it anyway... ...just kidding.

Davey: There are certain rules which apply in one's life with your sister, friends or imaginary wife, I can't believe I haven't killed myself here with wigs McGee and the furry elf they took my wig. I remember the look in their eyes, I guess I'll have to deal with your demands but please don't touch me with your alien hands, I got no right to growl the whistle, she's on the prowl...

Eleanor: Without my wig, I look like an owl, hoo-hoo!

Whitey: Oh, my God. Don't laugh at her. Or it's (x3) a technical foul...

Narrator: I guess Davey will have to make the best of this.

Davey: I guess I got to make the best of this.

Narrator: See. I told you. But that shouldn't be too hard for him. Even loners need company sometimes.

Benjamin: Eat that nutstrap, BI-YATCH!

Jennifer: Benjamin!

Davey: Thumbelina, there's no kids playing. Why'd you tell me to come?

Whitey: I thought you could use a refresher course on b-ball rules and regulations.

Davey: You're nuts. I'm going to go pound a few.

Whitey: First of all, you booze, you lose. And secondly, if you don't turn around... Officer Sherman over there'll know of the infamous peanut brittle incident.

Davey: [''Referring to Benjamin''] What's with the dunkin munchkin?

Whitey: His mom had to do a double shift so I'm watching him till she can get here. Now, both of you cop a squat next to me and let's observe.

Whitey: That’s what happens when you hit the bottle pal, you go to sleep in Dukesberry you wake up in Pukesberry. Hehe, Pukesberry.

Whitey: [''Walking out''] The worst has happened... I'm covered in human feces...

Davey: [''Dementedly sprays Whitey with a hose freezing him''; [w:Popsicle|Poopsicle; ''Laughs evilly and walks away''] That's a good look for you, but how about is that I should probably spray you off? Smell You Later, ].

Whitey: You're a fricking degenerate.

Davey: I know I am.

Whitey: [''Deer start licking him''] A little help, please. Your tongues tickle. They tickle.

Davey: [''Eating [[w:Brittle (food)|Peanut Brittle] ] while riding with Whitey]

Whitey: How are those peanut brittle?

Davey: Crunchy and delicious.

Whitey: Funny, I don't remember Jessie or Denise ringing you up a purchase.

Davey: [''Whitey gets pissed and has a panic attack, which causes him to swerve the car''] I guess that means I stole it, doesn't it? Easy seizure boy!

Whitey: [''Enragedly''] That's it! I'm calling the judge!

Davey: [''Getting annoyed''; [w:Prison|prison] Go ahead, I'll be on the first bus out of here. I ain't spending ten years in ].

Whitey: Maybe I'll take you in myself. Don't think you can intimidate me because of my size.

Davey: [''Sarcastically''] What? You're smaller than me? I didn't know that.

Whitey: [''Gets Davey's hands off him and points to the car door''] Put me down! Put me down! And get out of my car right now!

Davey: [''Sarcastically''] Oh no! You're gonna make walk ten feet out there? Because that's where I live you idiot!

Whitey: Oh!

Davey: [''Exits vehicle''; ''Closes the door''] Thanks for the ride Patchy! It was great patching with you, I guess I'll patch you later!

Whitey: [[w:Slammer|it's slammin time!; [w:Halite|rock salt; [w:Traction (mechanics)|I need to get some traction] I'm letting this one go, Stone! But the next screw up, ] Hmh! Got any sand or ] in there? ].

Davey: [''Angrily mocks Whitey''; ''Davey goes into his trailer''] Got any sand or rock salt in there? Cause I need to get some..." Oh, shut up!

Whitey: He could've at least given me a push or something.

TV anchor: [''Davey in his trailer''; [w:Borscht Belt|its Jewish viewers...] Closing, channel 36 would like to wish all of ] the very happiest of Hanukkahs.

Davey: [''Unplugs TV''] Boo!

Davey: [''To Jennifer walking away''] Your girlfriend's backyard isn't sugar-free. That baby looks sweet.

Whitey: [''furiously Grabs a [[w:French fry|french fry] ] and angrily throws it on floor] Technical foul! Technical foul! That's a lady, and you will not speak about her that way!

Davey: Easy.

Whitey: She's going through a tough time now. Last spring, her husband of 13 years ups and leaves her... For a woman he met on the computer. She had the courage to move back a month ago to try and raise her boy alone.

Davey: So she's available?

Whitey: You wish, Mac. You blew your shot with her 20 years ago.

Davey: Twenty years? Was that Jennifer Friedman?

Whitey: I'm surprised you have enough brain cells left to remember.

Young Davey: [''Flashback to early teens''; [w:Dukes of Hazzard|Dukes of Hazzard] Hey, Jennifer, you still coming over to watch ] after the game?

Young Jennifer: [''Flashes a thumbs-up''; [w:FIPS 10-4|That's a big 10-4] ], Davey.

Whitey: [[w:Etch a Sketch|an etch a sketch] Wow, Benjamin, ]. Not too shabby.

Davey: [[w:Game boy|a game boy] That's ], you idiot.

Whitey: Sorry, I'm not up on modern technology.

Whitey: [''Drops fries on tray and arranges them to spell out; "Bite Me"''] Now, I'd like to make this work out. But in order to do so, you're going to have to learn... that youth basketball ain't about you and your lack of respect for others. It's about the kids and teaching them responsibility and teamwork. I've been doing my part for 35 years. Are you ready to join me, big guy? Joke's on you, tough guy. I can't read.

Jennifer: [[w:List of doughnut varieties|sugar-free doughnuts] Special delivery for Whitey duvall, ].

Whitey: [[w:diabetes|a diabetic...] Every day she does this for me. Jennifer, you're too much. My fraternal twin sister's ] And out of respect for her and her disease, I don't eat sugar products.

Jennifer: There's a surprise in there you'll like.

Whitey: [[w:Boston cream pie#Variations|it's bavarian cream-filled; ''Takes a bite''] Don't tell me ]. It is bavarian cream-filled! Hubba-bubba! These babies make my taste buds do double daffies, for gosh sakes.

Davey: Why the hell are we at the mall?

Whitey: You need to clean your brain out. And to me, the mall is the best place to do that.

Davey: What's good about this place?

Whitey: [[w:Foot Locker|Mr. Foot Locker; [w:Sharper Image|Sharper Image; [w:Body Shop|The Body Shop; [w:Tie Rack|the Tie Rack; [w:GNC (company)|GNC; [w:Radioshack|RadioShack; [w:Petland|Petland; [w:Spencer Gifts|Spencer's Gifts; [w:Sbarro's|Sbarro's; [w:Dunkin' Donuts|Dunkin' Donuts; [w:Orange chicken|the orange chicken; [w:Panda Express|Panda Express] What's good about it? Everything. You want a pair of socks? My buddy, ], will warm your feet. You need a fancy doodad? Hello, ]. Thanks for the combination pogo stick clock radio. I mean, ], ]... ], ]... ] for a cat or two, ] for some fake dog doo... ], ], they're simply the best. And don't forget ] at ]. But if you're short of cash like little old me... The window shopping's always free.

Davey: [''After a song''] Did you prepare that or did you rhyme that many times in a row by accident?

Whitey: Yeah, that was weird, wasn't it?

Davey: [[w:leprechaun|a leprechaun] Maybe you are ].

Davey: [''To obese kid''] Foul on this kid for eating everything in sight. Jelly jugs, next time you come on my court, you better wear a bra. Okay?

Whitey: He was just kidding, son. You've got very nice boobs.

Audience: Jerk! Idiot!

Davey: You don't like that?! How about you throw something at me! I dare you!

Man: With pleasure!

Whitey: They're scratching up my floor! Here comes a seizure! This will pass in a second, kids. Don't be scared.

Kid: Is he break dancing?

Davey: Okay, that's it. Game over. Nobody wants to see an old man die. Fatty's team loses because I want to see him cry again.

Whitey: I want to talk to you in my office.

Judge: Stone, what the heck are we going to do with you? In the past twenty years, I’ve sent you to reform school, the drunk tank, the local psychiatric ward. Not one of those places has made you change an ounce for the better. ‘Cause you used to be a good kid, playing ball for the Jewish Community Center, with the best jump shot this town’s ever seen.

Davey: [''Opens the flask''; ''Takes a drink of whiskey, and then jumps very quickly, and not very far''] Your honor, I still got a pretty good jump shot. Let me show you. I’d hit a three-pointer, except I’d have to drop my pants and pop a thumb up my boo-boo.

Judge: Stone, you leave me no choice. I’m gonna really have to crack down hard this time.

Whitey: [''Chiming in, with his fore head seen a little in the seating area''] Your honor, if it pleases the court, I’d like to interject for a moment.

Mr. Chang: What the hell was that? Did anybody else hear a parakeet, or am I going crazy?

Whitey: [''Shows himself by stepping out into the aisle with his Cain''; [w:Hanukkah|Chanukah] No, Mr. Chang. It’s me, Whitey Duvall. And a happy first night of ] to you.

Mr. Chang: I’m not Jewish.

Whitey: Neither am I, but that don’t stop me from enjoying a holiday.

Judge: Whitey, we went over this two months ago. It’s your last year of reffing the youth league basketball. You’re turning 70 years old and our insurance company says they won’t cover you anymore.

Whitey: Ha, ha. No, no, no. My interjection pertains to the case currently under adjudication. You see, I knew this young man years ago when his moral fiber was still intact.

Judge: Whitey, what are you getting at?

Whitey: Why not sentence him to be a referee-in-training for the youth league basketball? I’ve seen some pretty rowdy kids turn into perfect gentlemen after spending time on my court.

Judge: If that happened with Stone, it would be a miracle.

Whitey: Well, it is the holidays and those kinda things have been known to happen this time of year.

Judge: Whitey, if you want to work with this punk, then God bless you. But Mr. Stone, what Whitey says goes. And if I hear that you break one law, I will send you to the state penitentiary for no less than 10 years.

Davey: Huh?

Judge: [''Pounds his gavel, adjourning the trial''] Happy holidays.

Davey: Oh, God.

Police officer: [''Davey walks out intoxicated to his vehicle with his keys out''] Hope you're not planning on driving tonight, Stone.

Davey: [''To vehicle''; ''Starts humping vehicle''] No, officer. I'm just going to say good night to my car, then walk home and enjoy the holiday decorations. Listen, sweetheart. I have to leave you here alone tonight... But don't you worry, I'll be back first thing in the morning. Now, behave yourself, and don't stay up too late. Nighty-night. All right, baby. But let's make this quick. Oh, mama! You like it when I hold you like this?! Because I'll do it all night long! So sweet! Yes, so precious! I love you, car!

Mr. Chang: [''Bursts out restaurant''] He dine and dash me! He chew and screw me! He sip and skip me!

Police officer: What?

Mr. Chang: [''Davey flees''] He no pay for his four scorpion bowl!

Davey: Oh, boy.

Police officer: Get him!

Man: Come back here, you jerk!

Police officer: Somebody stop that guy!

Davey: [''Grabs a trashcan lid and slides down stair railings and surfs through alleys and streets''; [w:latke|potato latkes; [w:[Breast fetishism|squeezes a woman at chest level viewed from behind; ''woman turns around to reveal [[w:Watermelons|actual melons; [w:dreidel|a dreidel; [w:Egging|throw an egg; [w:Charley horse|I'll Charley horse your leg; ''to [[w:Carol (music)|carolers; [w:mooning|whipping out my big, white, scary moon; [w:flatulence|blowing a beef your way; [w:Santa Claus's reindeer|reindeer; ''throws snowballs at deer with a couple and son glaring annoyed''; ''goes into a garage and drives a snowmobile out''; [w:Nunchaku|nun-chucks; ''destroys snowmen along a street''; [w:Santa|believing in Santa's; ''Drives snowmobile crashing into [[w:Ice sculpture|ice statue] I'm the kind of guy who can't stand a holiday so I drink them all away, that's me, I don't decorate no trees and I won't eat no ] but ’ I'll give this old lady's melons a squeeze that's just who I am, well, I'll never spin ], but I'll always ] and ] for laughs, while you're singing your holiday tunes, I'm acting like the town buffoon, ] and ], I hate folks who think ] are cute, to me they're just something to shoot, I hate love, I hate you, I hate me, well, I'm a snowmobile-stealing no tis-the-season-feeling kind of guy, this time of year sucks, so I take my ] and make sure every snowman dies, ] all wrong, and Hanukkah's eight nights too long, I hate love, I hate you, I hate me...

Police officer: [''Jostling through crowd on a frozen lake''] Coming through.

Davey: I hate love, I hate you, I hate me...

Crowd: Davey Stone, you're nothing but a delinquent!

Mr. Chang: [[w:Scorpion bowl|scorpion bowls] 4 ] in 5 minutes? That's got to be a restaurant record.

Davey: Well, right now, I'm gonna go for another restaurant record, longest burp.

Mr. Chang: [''Sarcastically''] Congratulations! Now, please excuse me while I go take shower.

Women's undergarment mall outlet staffer: [''To obese boy trying on a bra''; ''Obese boy runs out sobbing''] Aren't you a boy?

Mr. Chang: [''When recognition ceremony banquet guests recount abusing Whitey''; [w:crack cocaine|crack] How could you all be so mean to Whitey? Sound to me like you are all on ]!

Eleanor: [''Thinks Davey is holding their house up''] Mister, if you're gonna kill us, will you take off your wet shoes? You're soaking the carpet.

Whitey Duvall: [''When Davey obnoxiously burps in his face''] Your horn works, try the lights!

Whitey Duvall: [''In a seizure at the end of the film''] This is the happiest seizure of my life.

Whitey Duvall: [''To Davey who rejects living with Whitey after his trailer is ablaze''; [w:Rockefeller family|Rockefeller] What other options do you got, ]?!

Whitey Duvall: Technical foul! Technical foul!

Davey Stone: [[w:Spencer Gifts|Spencer's gifts; [w:Fursuit|furry underwear!] Good night, mayor! And the answer to your question is ]. They definitely have ]

Davey Stone: [''To the mayor sarcastically thanking him for destroying the ice sculpture''; ''Does air plank lifting gestures''; ''Women walking by respond incredulously''] I didn't do it for you. I did it for the ladies.

Davey Stone: [''To Whitey''; [w:Embroidered patch|a patch] You actually give a crap about winning ]?

Davey Stone: [''Referring to obese boy on basketball court''] Foul on this kid, for eating everything in sight. Jelly-jugs, the next time you come onto my court, you better wear a bra, okay?

Davey Stone: [''Opens a flask in before courtroom judge''; ''He takes a drink of [[w:whiskey|whiskey] Your honor, I still got a pretty good jump shot. Let me show you. ], and then jumps very quickly, and not very far, then court spectators all disapprovingly shake their heads] I’d hit a three-pointer, except I’d have to drop my pants and pop a thumb up my boo-boo.

Davey Stone: JENNIFER! JENNIFER! What's the matter with the way I live my life?! Huh, Jennifer?! Where are you?! At home, reading your baby boy a bedtime story, while he sucks his thumb and goes pee-pee on his blanket?! AW, HORSESHIT!

Davey Stone: [''Davey comes over to see a disgusting sight: Whitey’s butt cheeks are covered with white, furry hair as Whitey puts a jock strap on''; [w:Persian cat|Persian cats; ''sustains a burp''] Ugh! Jeezum crow! Did I just see two ] on your ass? I think I’m gonna BA...RF...!

Davey Stone: [''To Whitey, after his trailer has been destroyed''; [w:s'more|stick you on a twig and ''roast'' you!] I should ]

Davey Stone: [''To Whitey after toppling the [[w:Portable toilet|port-a-pottie; [w:popsicle|poopsicle] ] with him in it down a hill] Smell ya later, ].

Narrator: [''Referring to Christmas/Hanukkah holidays''; [w:gluttony|you can eat like a pig; [w:gift|people give you stuff; [w:Ebenezer Scrooge|the head honcho of holiday humbug...; [w:Jewish-American|Jewish guy...] It ain't a better time of year. You got no school, ], and ]. Kind of makes you feel all tingly inside, doesn't it? But you know what? There are some buffoons out there who actually can't stand the holiday season. And seeing other people enjoy the festivities... gets them even more disgusted. In fact, ] lives right here in little old dukesberry. His name's Davey Stone. That fool's in the China dragon... coming up with his own way of feeling tingly all over. At one time, Davey was a super student, super athlete... super sweet, super kid and the apple of his parents eye. Now, he's just a 33-year-old, crazy ] who lives for making this town as miserable as he is... especially on the first night of Hanukkah. How'd he end up this way? Let's save that for later... because right now, Davey's about to get himself into some serious trouble.