25 quotes
Hope for College Popularity
Girl 1
I hope we're just as popular in college as we were in high school.
Girl 2
We will be.
Girl 1
I know.
Girl 2
Who ]?
[[w:Chablis wine|needs more Chablis]
Girl 1
Candy, wanna come with?
Candy
No, I'll stay here.
Cooper
Well, ]. Whoops! Holy cow! Oh, this isn't where I parked my car!
[[w:R rating|there's your R-rating right there; ''He jumps into hot-tub'']
Donny
I can't believe He's so trusting! While I'm right behind you thrusting!
Candy
Cooper Harris, ]
[[w:chauvinism|you're a pig!]
Cooper
]
[[w:gaslighting|Uh... Candy, you should clean that off before you go.]
Candy
Clean what off?
Cooper
You got a little something on you.
Candy
Where?
Cooper
Right there. It's like a smudge, or something.
Candy
Where?
Cooper
It's like dirt, or something. Just go like this.
Candy
Is it off?
Cooper
No, keep rubbing it.
Donny
I did it with her on his birthday.
Cooper
Mmm-hmm... mmm-hmm... No, it's just not coming off.
Candy
What is it?
Cooper
Maybe tree sap or something. Try pinching it. No, it's just not coming off. I'll tell you what. Lick your fingers, get some saliva going.
Candy
Like this?
Cooper
Yeah. Again, not enough saliva.
Candy
Is it off yet?
Cooper
Fine, I'll do it. Come here.
Girl 1
Oh, my God! Candy! Cooper!
Cooper
Hey... This isn't where I parked my car. Hey. This band rocks! Yeah!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Navigating Personal Etiquette Abroad
Cooper
So, what's the etiquette on ]? Do I roll over and dig out a hole for it, or is it cool to just let my flag fly?
[[w:erection|boners]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Call to Action Among Friends
Mad Maynard
Hey lads, that wanker's ], let's give ] ] Come on lads, it's goin off!
[''Spots a rival football fan in [[w:Paris|Paris; [w:Paris FC|got a frog football shirt on; [w:Effeminacy|this Nancy; [w:Swarming (military)|a fucking good kickin'!; ''Hooligans all chase the French football fan'']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Misunderstandings in a Digital Love Letter
Scott
Hey, Mieke. "Dear Scott, I was very sad to hear about your lady woman Fiona dumping you. Since you no longer have a girlfriend, maybe I could come to America "and we could get to know each other better. Perhaps we could... "zussamen." What the fuck is "zussamen"? "Arrange a meeting." No, no, no! Come on! Cooper was right! This guy wants to have sex with me. Listen, Mieke... I don't want to arrange any meetings with you, ]. So please keep your hands off my genitals, and never write to me again, and don't come to America. Goodbye." Oww. I'm never drinking again.
[''Turns attention to computer''; ''Reads e-mail aloud''; ''Looks up dictionary''; ''Starts typing''; [w:Armin Meiwes|you sick, German freak; ''Falls off chair''; ''He wakes up in bed and sees Bert at his computer'']
Bert
Oh, that's nice.
Scott
Bert, what are you doing?
Bert
Reading your email.
Scott
Don't do that. Why are you wearing my bathrobe?
Bert
Oh, I'm sorry... but somebody pissed all over mine last night. Wow. I can't believe this German chick wants to come here and hook up with you.
Scott
I don't think so, buddy. Mieke's a guy.
Bert
No, it says right here, "trauriges madchen." "I was a sad girl to hear about Fiona." Fuckin A, Scott. I'm taking ], and even I know that.
[[w:German language|"Intro to German"]
Scott
Come here. He sent me a picture, retardo. See? That's a picture of Mieke and his cute cousin, Jan.
Bert
No, retardo. That's Jan, a man's name, and that's not "Mike," it's "Mieke," a common German girl's name, similar to our Michelle. I hope you wrote her back and told her to come visit! You didn't?! You thought she was a guy! I'm getting the video camera! Ha! What an asshole!
[''Points to photo''; ''Scott's eyes widen in revelation'']
Scott
No! No! No! "Address blocked"?! "Email not delivered!" No... come on!
[''At computer'']
Cooper
Hey, Mom made ]! What's going on?
[''Bounding into room''; [w:waffle|waffles]
Scott
I'm in love with my penpal! I'm in love with Mieke!
Cooper
Okay, okay, you know what? I was actually expecting this, and frankly, no, listen, I'm flattered that you picked me to come out to first. And don't worry about telling your folks, cause I think they already know.
[''Starts rubbing Scott's back'']
Scott
No, you idiot. Mieke's a girl.
Cooper
No, no, no, I get it, yeah. He's the girl, then you're the girl. Sometimes you're both the girl. Right? Right? That's hot. But whatever works for you. I'm not gonna judge it.
[''Pause'']
Scott
Will you stop? Look, come here. Look at this picture.
Cooper
Wow. Who's the hot chick?
Scott
That's "Mike." I mean, Mieke.
Cooper
That's who you've been writing to all this time?
Scott
Until last night, when I took your advice and told her to keep her "hands off my genitals.
Cooper
Given what we know now, that seems like the exact opposite of what you want.
Scott
This is a total disaster.
Cooper
Oh, come on. It's not that bad. Though she is really hot.
Scott
You're not listening. I don't even care what she looks like. Mieke and I had this incredible bond. I told her things I couldn't even tell you.
Cooper
Like what?
Scott
Nothing. It's a figure of speech.
Cooper
No, seriously. What?
Scott
Nothing. The point...
Cooper
You like me better, right?
Scott
This girl is not only smart and funny, and stunningly beautiful, but until I screwed up, she wanted to come all the way to America, just to be with me.
Cooper
So do something about it.
Scott
What can I do? She blocked her email account, her phone number's not listed. The only thing I know is she lives in ].
[[w:Berlin|Berlin]
Cooper
So go to Berlin.
Scott
I can't just go to Berlin, Coop.
Cooper
Why not?
Scott
Because... I just can't, Okay? I'm supposed to work for my dad this summer. It looks good on my med school application.
Cooper
Oh, Jesus, Scotty! Man, Fiona was right. You're so predictable.
Scott
I'm going to ].
[''Face lights up in revelation''; [w:Germany|Germany]
Cooper
No... WE'RE going to Germany!
Scott
How are we going to get to Germany?!
Cooper
Don't worry. I've got it covered.
Scott
We're going to be couriers?
Cooper
Best way to get a cheap flight. We just have to carry their packages, then drop them off when we get there. My cousin did it going to ].
[[w:India|India]
Scott
Yeah?
Cooper
Of course, he ended up using a public restroom in ] and they had to ]. You know... but he got there cheap, is what I'm saying.
[[w:New Delhi|New Delhi; [w:amputation|cut off his leg]
Airline desk attendant
Okay, I don't have anything to Germany for a week. But I can get you both to ] today for $118. Anything else?
[[w:London|London]
Cooper
Europe is the size of ]. We can walk to Berlin from there.
[[w:Eastwood Mall|the Eastwood Mall]
Scott
Cooper, ] ].
[[w:England|England's; [w:British Isles|an island]
Cooper
Okay, swim. Whatever. We'll take it.
Scott
Hey. Thanks for coming with me. I know you had that internship at the law firm this summer.
Cooper
Well, forget about the law firm. And don't thank me. I should be thanking you. This trip is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for me to broaden my sexual horizons.
Scott
What are you talking about?
Cooper
I'm talking about crazy European sex.
Scott
Ah.
Cooper
]. Prudes who left Europe, because they hated all the kinky, steamy European sex that was going on. And now I, Cooper Harris, will return to the land of my perverted forefathers and claim my birthright, which is a series of erotic and sexually challenging adventures.
[[w:Puritans|You know America was founded by prudes]
Scott
You've really thought a lot about this, haven't you?
Cooper
It's my passion.
Scott
Come on, come on! The adventure begins. Welcome to jolly old England.
Cooper
Yeah, breathe that sweet, sexy, European air. Oh.
[''Takes out cellphone'']
Scott
What is that?
Cooper
It's the phone they gave me at the law firm. Yeah, it's pretty neat, huh? Works anywhere. Yeah? Excuse me. Cooper here. Hello, Mr. Walters. Yes, sir, I'm down in file storage. Um, hang on one second. No, sir, I can't find the Gutterman file anywhere. Yes, sir, I'll keep looking. I don't rest until I find it.
[''He picks at teeth and eats it'']
Scott
Didn't tell your boss you were leaving the country?
Cooper
They would've stopped paying me. It seemed easier. So, where to?
Scott
I don't know. First bus to Berlin doesn't leave till tomorrow. What do you wanna do?
Cooper
Got ] there's ].
[[w:Tower of London|the Tower of London...; [w:Buckingham Palace|Buckingham Palace]
Scott
Uh... There's no drinking age.
Cooper
There you go! Come on. Hey! "The Fiesty Goat.
[''They walk off'']
Scott
All right! What do you wanna... Soccer Hooligans!
[''Turns around to study bar patrons who all go silent, turn around and stare with one hooligan stubbing out a cigarette on his arm'']
Cooper
Hey... This isn't where I parked my car.
[''They turn to walk out and are thwarted by Maynard'']
Mad Maynard
Oye, Who the bloody hell are you? This is private members bar exclusively for the supporters of the greatest football team in the world... ]. Now please enlighten me... who the fuck are you?!
[[w:Manchester United F.C.|Manchester United]
Cooper
That is a good question and... Scotty?
Scott
We're the Manchester United Fan Club... from Ohio.
Mad Maynard
If you are the Manchester United Supporters, then sing the Manchester United song!
Scott
Excuse me, I'm sorry I'm not much of a singer.
Mad Maynard
OI... SING!
[''He grabs a bottle and smashes it on the floor'']
Scott
] The Manchester United Football team! the best freakin team in all the land woohoo!
[[w:9 to 5 (Sheena Easton song)|My baby takes the morning train, he works from 9 to 5 and then, he takes another home again, to find me watching...; ''pausees'']
Mad Maynard
Pretty good... pretty damn good lads, right!
[''All bar patrons faces light up in approval'']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Friendship and Support in Awkward Moments
Scott
This is Mieke's apartment building. Wish me all sorts of luck, guys.
Jenny
You'll do great, Scotty.
Scott
Thanks.
Cooper
I came all this way. I'm not gonna miss this. Dude, Mieke's hideous! Run!
[''Grandmother greets door'']
Scott
Stop. Hi, my name is Scott Thomas. I'm from America, and I'm here to see Mieke.
[''Mieke's father appears'']
Mieke's father
I'm sorry, but Mieke's not here.
Scott
Do you know where she is?
Mieke's father
She's gone for the summer.
Mieke's father
My daughter had intended to spend the summer in America, looking at colleges and visiting some friends. But several days ago, she suddenly changed her mind. She would not tell me why.
Scott
I think I know why.
Mieke's father
This is Heinrich. He's Mieke's stepbrother. As I was saying, she packed up her bag and left. It was all very sudden.
Scott
Do you know where she is now?
Mieke's father
She's always been very interested in the classics, Greek and Roman literature, history, and she's always enjoyed the ocean, so she found a program that combines all her interests.
Scott
Do you know where she is?
Mieke's father
She enrolled in a summer at sea program, based in ].
[[w:Rome|Rome]
Scott
Rome. Okay, then I guess we'll go to Rome, then.
Mieke's father
Unfortunately, Mieke's only in Rome for orientation. Tomorrow her group boards a boat and she'll be gone for the summer. She'll be quite unreachable.
Scott
Unreachable.
Mieke's father
Mieke's tour group goes to the Vatican tomorrow, then she gets on that boat and she's gone.
Scott
So, it's over?
Scott
Thanks for sticking with me through this, guys, but... you should probably call your parents, have them wire you some money and go home.
Jamie
What are you gonna do?
Scott
I'm going to Rome. I'll walk, I'll hitchhike, I'll swim if I have to, but I'll get to Mieke somehow.
Jamie
Maybe that'll help.
Scott
Where'd you get all that? Wait. Where's your Leica?
Jamie
Sold it.
Scott
What? You sold your Leica? But you loved that thing. What about your Europe photo tour, the chateaus?
Jamie
Chateaus have been there for 300 years. Mieke's gone in 12 hours. Let's go! Frommer's says check in three hours before international flights.
Scott
Come here, guidebook!
Jamie
Whoo! We're going to Rome. We're going to Rome!
Tour guide
All right, summer at sea group. Our tour begins in the Vatican museum. This way, please.
Scott
There it is.
Swiss guard
This entrance is for private tour groups only.
Jenny
Oh... but we are a private tour group. We've come all the way from America. That guy in the orange jacket is mentally retarded.
[''Cooper struggles with his ice cream cone'']
Swiss guard
Si, I can tell. How very, very sad.
Jenny
Yes, it is.
Swiss guard
But if you are a tour, where is your guide?
Jenny
We've got a fantastic tour guide. Right here.
Jamie
What? No... The Vatican has been used as a papal residence ever since the time of ] of the ]!
[[w:Constantine the Great|Constantine the Great; [w:5th century|5th century A.D.]
Swiss guard
Oh. Okay... um... if you'll all follow me, please. Have a very special day for a very special little man.
Cooper
Okay. I can't believe that guy let us in. What a retard!
Swiss guard
Scusate. One of our English-speaking tour guides has called in sick. Could you please take these peoples also?
[''To Jamie''; ''Points to a tour group'']
Tourist 1
How big is Vatican City?
Jenny
We've got a fantastic tour guide. Right here.
Jamie
0.5 square kilometers.
Tourist 2
Who built the colonnades?
Jamie
], ].
[[w:Gianlorenzo Bernini|Gianlorenzo Bernini; [w:1656|1656]
Tourist 3
Where are the bathrooms?
Jamie
Floors 6 and 7. Next I'll take you to where ] elects a new pope. When this happens, white smoke is sent up from the Vatican. Here's a fun fact...
[[w:College of Cardinals|the College of Cardinals]
Scott
Mieke must be around here somewhere. Let's go.
Tour guide
Behind me is ], or "papal apartment." We're obviously not permitted.
[[w:Papal apartments|the appartamento papale]
Mieke
Excuse me, miss. What is this?
Tour guide
That is the bell of San Marco. When the pope dies, the Cardinal Vicar of Rome rings this bell to notify the people of Rome. Next we will view ]. Follow me, please.
[[w:Sistine Chapel|the Sistine Chapel]
Cooper
Come on. I think I hear them.
Scott
Which way did they go?
Cooper
That way. I'd stake my reputation on it.
Scott
Good enough for me.
Cooper
Hey, check it out! I wonder what this does.
[''Pull's on bell rope'']
Scott
It doesn't do anything, it's a rope. Come on, let's go.
[''They walk into Papal Chambers'']
Cooper
They got a lot of old stuff here.
St. Peter's square man
Dio mio! The bell of San Marco! The pope is dead!
Scott
Whoa. She's not in here. Let's go. We're definitely not supposed to be in here.
Cooper
Hey, check this out! I'm the pope!
[''Puts on a [[w:mitre|pope mitre]
Scott
Cooper... take off the pope hat.
Cooper
Oh, no. It's okay. I'm catholic.
Scott
Take it off, goddamnit!
Cooper
Oh, you took the Lord's name in vain! Only I can forgive you now, my son.
Scott
Take that fudging thing off!
Cooper
The pope breaks an open-field tackle. It's a Hail Mary, he catches at the forty...the thirty...the twenty...the ten...touchdown, Pope! The pope makes a two-point conversion. And oh, my Lord! It's the Pope, eight, and the heathens, nothing! How's you, sucka?
[''Puts a mitre on Scott'']
Scott
Cooper, the hat! The hat! The hat is on fire!
[''Points to Cooper's hat'']
Cooper
]
[[w:The Roof Is on Fire|"We don't need no water let the m... "]
Scott
I'm not kidding! Look!
Cooper
Oh, holy shit!
Scott
I don't want this! Fireplace! Fireplace! Go, go!
[''Cooper throws hat into fireplace'']
Cooper and Scott
Whoa!
St. Peter's square man
White smoke! They've elected the new pope!
Newscaster
I'm coming to you live from Vatican Square where the College of Cardinals, in a surprise move, has just elected a new pope. The crowd is very excited.
Jamie
This is so strange. Usually they wait 15 days to elect a new pope. We could be seeing history in the making!
Jenny
We could be seeing an arrest in the making.
Scott
There she is. Mieke! Hey! Stupid curtain! Let me out! Mieke!
[''Spots Mieke in the square from window'']
St. Peter's square man
It's the new pope!
Scott
Mieke! Hold on!
[''After he disguised as the pope, he leaps onto a banner curtain'']
St. Peter's square man
This is one crazy pope.
Swiss guard
You! Ferma! Stop! You! You... and your retarded friend, you're in big, big trouble.
Maynard
Oy! Take your mitts off them boys! They're with me! I've just about had enough of you fuckin ities!
Swiss guard
But I am Swiss!
Maynard
Them, too! Now, bud... you get in there, and you say what you got to say.
[''Puts arm on Scott's shoulders'']
Scott
Mieke. I'm here. I made it.
Mieke
Who are you?
Bert
What a fucking loser! I'm gonna videotape this.
Scott
I'm Scott.
Mieke
From Ohio? Scott? Scott Thomas?
Scott
Yes.
Mieke
From Ohio? What are you doing in Rome?
Scott
I came here to be with you. Listen, I just traveled all the way across Europe. I got chased by naked men. I ate brownies with absolutely no drugs in them. I watched a brother and sister make out. I kicked a robot in the balls, but I did it all so that... so I could tell you one thing. I love you, Mieke.
Crowd
Aww...
Scott
We're perfect for each other. What do you think?
Mieke
I think...
Scott
Oh, Mike... Mieke!
Old woman confessor
Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I have cheated on my husband. Do you think God will ever forgive me?
Mieke
Oh, yes!
Old woman confessor
Father?
Cooper
This sucks. I can't believe I'm the only one who didn't hook up while we were here. Europe is officially the worst country on Earth.
Jenny
I know. I thought I'd at least get to have some crazy European sex.
Cooper
What?
Mieke
Scott, I have to go.
Scott
Okay.
Mieke
My boat is leaving. I still can't believe you came all the way here, just for me.
Scott
What can I say? I'm very unpredictable.
Mieke
Keep writing to me, Scott, OK?
Scott
Yeah, I will.
Mieke
Go.
Scott
Bye. Yes! Yes! Yes! Whoo-hoo!
Scott
Hey, guys, I'm so glad we got to take this trip together. This was the best time of my life.
Arthur
Excuse me. You're the young man who gave me that tour of the Vatican, aren't you?
Jamie
Listen, I'm very sorry...
Arthur
I just wanted to thank you. You were the most knowledgeable, albeit idiosyncratic, tour guide I've ever had.
Jamie
Thanks. But I'm not actually a tour guide. I've just read Frommer's enough to have it memorized. Although I threw in a few things Frommer's didn't know about.
Arthur
How would you like to add them?
Jamie
Excuse me?
Arthur
That's my guidebook. I'm Arthur Frommer.
[''Hands Jamie his [[w:business card|business card]
Jamie
It's amazing! Frommer's is going to pay me to see every museum and cathedral in Europe.
Jenny
That sounds so exciting... for you.
Scott
I figured, since you're going to be staying, you might need this. A disposable camera. That's right.
Jamie
Thanks, Scotty.
Scott
That's from both of us.
Cooper
Hello, Mr. Walters. I see. Fired? Well, I... Well, if that's what you want, I understand. I just... goodbye, sir.
[''Answers phone'']
Scott
They had to catch you eventually, right?
Cooper
No, they fired Humphrey.
Scott
Shut up!
Cooper
I got his office and a raise.
Jenny
No!
PA Announcer
Flight from Rome to ]...
[[w:Cleveland|Cleveland]
Jamie
That's you guys. Have a good flight, everybody.
Scott
Come here.
[''They hug'']
Jamie
Be good. Oh! Okay... Cooper, have a good flight. Be good.
Cooper
Thanks. I'm on it.
Cooper
This still counts as Europe, right?
[''In the toilet'']
Scott
Dear Mieke, Greece sounds incredible. I just moved into my dorm room today, but I can't wait to see you over Christmas break. This time I think I'll fly to Berlin direct." Hello?
[''Typing e-mail''; ''Answers phone'']
Cooper
Hey, buddy, how's college?
[''Walking across campus quad'']
Scott
I just got here. My roommate hasn't even showed up yet.
Cooper
Do they room all you ] together?
[[w:Pre-medical|pre-med geeks]
Scott
I'm not sure I'm going pre-med. I'm thinking about majoring in German.
Cooper
German? I've got a better idea. Why don't you major in not being such a woman?
Scott
So, how's Jenny?
Cooper
Jenny... Jenny who? I know a lot of ladies named Jenny, they're all... ow!
[''Jenny slaps him on the head from off-camera and takes his phone'']
Jenny
Hey, Scotty, what's up?
Scott
Hi, Jenny! How's Jamie doing with Frommer?
Cooper
Oh, no. Hold on. Come here, robot!
[''Cooper has spotted a gold-colored busker performing a robot dance'']
Jenny
Cooper, not again!
Scott
Hold on, this could be my new roommate.
[''Hears a knock on his dorm door''; ''Opens door to Mieke'']
Cooper
What's the freak look like? Is he a dork or is he cool? Better not be cooler than me. Is he bigger than me?
[''With the busker in a head-lock and Jenny holding up phone to him'']
Mieke
I just got your last email.
Scott
What are you doing here?
Mieke
Going to college.
Scott
You're going to college here? What dorm?
Mieke
This one. Room 214.
Scott
How is this possible?
Mieke
I guess they thought I was a guy.
Scott
Now who would be dumb enough to make a mistake like that?
Cooper
Do I hear kissing? Are you making out with your new roommate, Scotty? Scotty?! Scotty?! Scotty!
Green Fairy hallucination
This happy ending is bullshit. When does the fairy get laid? I'm outta here.
Father
Catchy tune.
Bert
Fuckin'-a, man.
Amsterdam hostel concierge woman
Hello, and welcome to Amsterdam's finest and most luxurious youth hostel.
Scott
Sounds great.
Amsterdam hostel concierge woman
There is no bathroom, nor is there one nearby. Sorry. Get it?
Scott
She got it.
Amsterdam hostel concierge woman
If you do not wish to have your valuables stolen, I suggest destroying them or discarding them right now. You can also try hiding your valuables... in your anus.
Madame Vandersexxx
Drink? I'm gonna rip away his pants and look at his dick, Okay? Ready?
Cooper
Quit.
Madame Vandersexxx
Shut up. Sorry. I know I fucked it up. Yes! You take her hair... and one strand at a time, pull it out! Use her like a humping post!
Cooper
Jenny, this is Europe. They have orange juice ads with lesbians and dildos. Show them something they haven't seen.
Amsterdam hostel concierge woman
Should a fire occur, due to our faulty wiring, or the fireworks factory upstairs, you will be incinerated, along with the valuables you have hidden in your anus.
Jenny
Hey! Check these out! I'm eighteen-years-old!
[''Jumping up and down topless on highway shoulder with back to camera'']
Candy
Is it off yet?
Cooper
No, keep rubbing it.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Identity and Belonging in EuroTrip
Scott
We're from the ] ] from... ]...
[[w:Manchester United|Manchester United; [w:football hooliganism|fan club; ''anxiously gulps''; [w:Ohio|Ohio]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Reunion in Europe
Voiceover
Congratulations, ]
[[w:Hudson High School (Ohio)|Hudson High Class of 2004!]
Scott
There she is. Fiona! Hey.
Fiona
Hey!
Scott
Hey, you.
Fiona
Congratulations, graduate.
[''They hug'']
Scott
Thanks, baby.
Fiona
And congratulations to you, Cooper.F
Cooper
Aww. Thanks, baby!
[''Lean in to hug her'']
Fiona
].
[''She pushes Cooper back''; [w:misandry|Nice try]
Cooper
All right. See you at Wade's party tonight?
Scott
See you then. So, it's just you and me for the entire summer. Next year you graduate, join me at college. Just like we planned.
Fiona
Scott, we need to talk.
Scott
Yeah? About what?
Fiona
About me dumping you.
Scott
Huh?
Scott's father
There he is! The graduate and his beautiful girlfriend.
Scott's mother
Okay? Smile, you two! Action!
[''Shooting camcorder'']
Scott
Dad, Mom, Grandma... Uncle Moke... uh... I'm gonna need a minute here, okay? What do you mean, you're dumping me?
[''To Fiona'']
Fiona
I just can't take all the lying and cheating on each other anymore.
Scott
What are you talking about? Sweetie, I never cheated on you.
Fiona
I know. That's what makes this so hard.
Scott's father
You're looking good, you guys.
Fiona
Scotty, it's not you. It's me. There I go, lying again. No, it was you. You're just so... predictable.
Scott's mother
Smile!
Fiona
So, that's it. Here's your letter jacket back. Goodbye.
Scott
This isn't mine!
Scott's father
She's a keeper, huh?
Scott
Oh, wow. Oh, my God. Fiona!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Cultural Misunderstanding About European Attitudes
Cooper
Hot European Sex!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Commitment to Sobriety
Scott
I'm never drinking again.
[''Repeated line'']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Cooper's Humorous Observation of Jamie
Cooper
Ha, ha, look at Jamie's penis!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Miscommunication Amidst a Catchy Tune
Cooper
What? You gotta admit, it's a really catchy tune.
Scott
You know, there are a lot of other empty compartments.
Italian man
Huh? Ah! Si, si. Pardon me. Eh? Ohhh... Scusi. Mi scusi. Hi. Buongiorno.
[''Train goes through tunnel and emerges with the man got his hand on Jamie's knee who looks down at his hand who points to it with an open hand''; ''Jamie and Cooper rush to other seat side but Jamie is pushed away, man pats Jamie's seat spot''; ''Train goes through tunnel and emerges with man massaging Jamie's shoulders'']
Jamie
What the hell are you doing?!
Italian man
Mi scusi, mi scusi.
Jamie
No! No, no, no!
Scott
Uh-oh.
Jamie
What?!
Scott
Big tunnel!
Jamie
Who's touching me?! Scotty, is that you?! Who's touching me?! Scotty! Oh!
Italian man
Mi Scusi. Buongiorno.
[''Man is thrown out of compartment and his pants thrown out after who picks it up and walks away'']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Mancs and Non-Mancs: A Divisive Statement
Mad Maynard
If you're not a Manc, you're a wank!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Relationship Decisions and Unrequited Affections
Mieke's boyfriend
I've unblocked your email address, but this Scott is not responding.
Mieke's
He was the one. I was going to give myself to him.
Mieke's boyfriend
Perhaps you should give yourself to someone else... fraulein.
[''He sweeps books off desk and picks up Mieke laying her on it kissing her passionately'']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Revelations Among Friends
Cooper
Oh, here it is. ]. Hmm. ]. Oh, here's a fun fact! You made out with your sister, man!
[[w:Bratislava|Bratislava; [w:Slovakia|Capital of Slovakia; ''Points to [[w:Frommer's|Frommer's guidebook; ''Jamie looks up, interested''; ''Jamie lunges at Cooper'']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Misplaced Vehicle Confusion
Cooper
This isn't where I parked my car.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Casual Conversation Among Friends
Jenny
What's up, losers?
Scott
What's up, Jenny?
Jenny
What's up, dude? Sorry to hear about Fiona. She's a whore.
Scott
That's very sweet of you. Thanks.
Cooper
Enough Fiona talk. Look around. ].
[[w:statutory rape|There's gotta be 100 drunk girls. We should try to have sex with every one of 'em]
Jenny
Hello? Mixed company?
Cooper
What?
Jenny
I'm a girl!
Cooper
No, you're not! You're just a cool guy with long hair! So, where's your evil twin brother?
Jamie
Jenny!
Cooper
There he is. Hey, Jamie. In fine form, I see.
Jenny
Why'd you get me gin and tonic? I hate gin.
Cooper
You do? You guys are the worst twins ever!
Scott
When are you guys taking off?
Jenny
Tomorrow morning.
Scott
Hey, Wade! Great party, buddy!
[''To Wade tied up at a tree'']
Jenny
Man, I am so excited! A whole summer, backpacking around Europe. You should've come with us instead of working for Dr. Dad, Scotty! It's gonna be so awesome!
Jamie
Yeah. I planned every detail of the trip to maximize the fun!
Cooper
You brought a guidebook to a party?
Jamie
Do you wanna see my itinerary?
Cooper
]
[[w:exhibitionism|Do you wanna see my balls?]
Scott
You guys decide where you're gonna go first?
Jenny
]! I can't wait.
[[w:Paris|Paris]
Scott
So, have you guys decided where you wanna go first?
Jenny
Paris! I heard two years ago, Nicky Jager's sister, Debbie, met this wealthy French guy, and spent a month sailing the ] on his yacht. Isn't that just the most romantic thing you've ever heard?
[[w:Mediterranean sea|Mediterranean]
Cooper
Stuck on a boat with a weird French guy? ].
[[w:homophobia|That sounds a little gay]
Jenny
It's not gay. I'm a girl.
Scott
Kinda gay.
Cooper
A little gay. I gotta piss like a pregnant woman.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Rewatching a Brutal Moment in EuroTrip
Cooper
Let's see that again.
[''Watching on computer'']
Video Scott
Fiona!
Cooper
This is just so brutal. And yet I can't look away. Bert, play it again. Come on.
Video Scott
Fiona!
Scott
Bert, get out of here!
Cooper
All right. ], bro.
[[w:White guilt|Stay black; ''[[w:Fist bump|Fist bumps him]
Bert
Okay. See you. "Fiona!
[''Walking in hallway'']
Computer
Mail, motherfucker!
Scott
Hey, I got one from Mieke. "Happy Herzlichen.
Cooper
Still writing that guy? I thought that was for ].
[[w:Deutsch|German class]
Scott
Yeah at first, but we're actually becoming good friends. He's a really cool guy. "Dear Mieke, greetings from your American pen pal.
Cooper
Scotty, ] have pen pals. Listen to yourself, all right? You met a "cool guy" on the "internet." ]. Next thing you know, ]. Come on, let's go to Wade's.
[[w:Girl Guides|Girl Scouts; ''does air quotes''; [w:Sexual predator|This is how these sexual predators work; [w:serial killer|he'll want to "arrange a meeting" where he will gas you, stuff you in the back of his van, and make a wind chime out of your genitals]
Scott
All right. Screw it. Let's go. I'm not gonna let Fiona ruin my graduation night. Auf wiedersehen, Mieke.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Nude Beach Etiquette and Currency Concerns
Cooper
So, what's the etiquette on ]? Do I roll over and dig out a hole for it, or is it cool to just let my flag fly?
[[w:erection|boners]
Scott
Wait, wait. Does "nude beach" mean we have to get naked, too?
Cooper
Of course. Do you think you can go an hour without your currency colostomy bag?
Jamie
As long as this thing has our money and passports in it, it's not coming off, and my trunks won't come off, either.
Cooper
Come on. You came all the way to Europe. Can't wimp out now. Okay. All right, on the count of three. Here we go. Look at Jamie's penis!
[''They takes off pants'']
Jamie
Very funny. Very funny.
Cooper
All right. Let the crazy European sex odyssey begin! Here we go. Really? Yes. Mm-hmm. Hello, ladies!
[''They run to beach only to realize it's all men'']
Beach visitors
Ladies? Bitches?
Cooper
Eww! What a rip! There's no nude girls here, just guys like us looking for nude girls. I don't understand!
Jamie
Crans Sur Mer has one of the best nude beaches on the continent. However, during the summer, the European women are chased away by gawking male tourists, so Europe's most nubile exhibitionists head to the deserted beach next to the Monument des Poissonieres.
[''Turns over a page in Frommer's with a you-should-know-better face'']
Cooper
There's so many penises.
Jamie
Frommer's tried to tell you, but you just didn't listen.
Scott
This is the biggest sausage fest on earth. It's the international house of sausage.
Jenny
Hey! Thanks for waiting.
Cooper
You're not missing anything. It's all guys.
Jenny
At least the sun's out.
[''Takes off sweater and hat, starts shaking hair'']
Cooper
Holy crap!
Jenny
What? I thought this was a nude beach.
Jamie
No...!
[''Slow-motion dramatized''; ''[[w:Action film|Throws himself past Jenny in the style of an action film cliché]
Jenny
Huh?
Jamie
No.
Jenny
What?! What are you doing?!
Jamie
Jenny, you gotta cover up!
Beach visitors
Girl? Girl! Ooh, girl. Girl... girl. Girl... girl...
[''[[w:Zombie film|They all start lumbering collectively on them zombie-style]
Jamie
Run! I'm not gonna make it. Go on without me.
Scott
All right. See ya.
Beach visitors
Chica! Chica! Chica! Chica!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Value of a Money Belt
Jamie
Better let me hold on to those.
[''Takes train tickets''; ''Puts it in [[w:money belt|money belt]
Cooper
What the hell is that?
Jamie
It's a traveler's money belt. ] says if you have one of these, no one can rob you of anything.
[[w:Frommer's|Frommer's]
Cooper
Except your dignity.
Jamie
No, you just put that in your... wait, what?
Cooper
Come on, guidebook. Let's go.
Cooper
Check it out. European ass.
[''Becomes transfixed on woman bending over at vending machine''; ''Woman turns around and it's Jenny'']
Jenny
What's up?
Cooper
Jesus, Jenny. I thought you were some... girl. Come on. Platform 4.
Jenny
Thanks.
Jenny
Damn!
[''Can shoots out machine and rolls along floor'']
Christoph
I believe this is yours. Pleased to meet you. My name is Christoph.
[''He catches the can'']
Cooper
Jenny, let's go! Move it!
Jenny
Those are my friends. We're supposed to go to Berlin...
Cooper
Jenny!
Jenny
I'm coming!
Christoph
So, it was really nice to meet you. The pleasure was all mine.
Jenny
Jennifer.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Disagreement on Sightseeing in Crans Sur Mer
Jamie
Crans Sur Mer. We change trains here.
Cooper
Well, we got a couple of hours to kill. What's there to see in this town?
Jamie
Hello? The Monument des Poissonieres. It's a monument to all the local fishermen who were lost at sea. Frommer's says it's supposed to be..."quite moving.
Cooper
What the hell is wrong with you, ]? We're here to see Europe, not some crappy statue. I'm taking a nap. Wake me up when the train gets here.
[[w:C-3PO|C-3PO]
Jenny
Hmm. Says here this town has a famous ].
[[w:nude beach|nude beach]
Cooper
All right, we can't all just lie around all day. We gotta experience the culture firsthand. Let's go exploring!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Cultural Commentary on Relationships and Norms
Weird Italian Guy
Mi Scusi!
[''On train'']
Donny
Scotty doesn't know that Fiona and me do it in my van every Sunday.
PC Mail Notification
Beep-beep! Mail Motherfucker!
Madame Vandersexxx
]. How sad for you to grow up in a country founded by prudes. A country overrun with crime and illiteracy. A country where a man is forced to make sex to only one woman at a time, and one must learn the woman's name beforehand.
[[w:American people|He's American]
Frontman Donny of rock band Lustra
Hey, listen up, everybody. Gotta a little special thing I'd like to do tonight. Going to play a little song for you about ] Fiona. This one's for you, baby. Happy anniversary. Scotty doesn't know, that Fiona and me, ]. She tells him she's in church. But she doesn't go. Still she's on her knees, and Scotty doesn't know... Oh, Scotty doesn't know... So don't tell Scotty, Scotty doesn't know...
[''Taps on microphone to get attention of the party''; [w:nymphomania|the nastiest, freakiest little sex puppet I know...; ''Fiona bursts out from crowd and jumps on stage''; ''Band starts playing''; [w:sex addicition|do it in my van every Sunday; ''Scott watches unimpressed'']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Casual Farewell from Cooper
Cooper
Later Bert, ], bro!
[[w:White guilt|stay black]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Scott's Confidence in Love and Relationships
Cooper
Reading Mieke's old emails again?
Scott
Yeah. You know, she said I might be the one? That's huge. I've never been "the one" before. Thought I was "the one" with Fiona, but turns out I was, what?
Cooper
Look, you got nothing to worry about. You'll show up and sweep her off her German feet.
Scott
Thanks. Yeah. I will, won't I?
Mieke
I'm so sad and lonely. I'm so sad and lonely. I just wish someone would show up and sweep me off my German feet.
Scott
Mieke! I'm here.
Mieke
Scotty!
Scott
About that last email. I'm so sorry...
Mieke
The past is the past. You're here now. I've been saving myself for you. Let us make love for one whole month. Touch me, Scotty.
Scott
Okay.
Mieke
Oh, Scott...
[''Scott wakes up and realizes Mieke is actually Italian man'']
Italian man
Mi bello... Mi scusi!
[''Scott starts screaming, with Italian man and other three joining in'']
Song lyrics
Hot stuff baby this evening. Gotta have some hot stuff. Gotta have some love tonight. Hot stuff.
Scott
Guys, our train doesn't leave till morning. Where will we sleep?
Cooper
What do you mean, sleep? We can sleep on the train tomorrow. This is the best that could've happened. We're in Amsterdam! This is the drug and sex capital of Europe! Take a look at this. "Club Vandersexxx. The red light district's hottest sex club." We have to check it out. Who's with me? I'll go. Fine. Since no one else is willing to go, I'll just go myself.
[''Holds up flyer''; ''They stare indifferently'']
Madame Vandersexxx
I see. You're waiting for me
Cooper
This is definitely where I parked my car!
Madame Vandersexxx
Hello there. Welcome to Club Vandersexxx... Amsterdam's most erotic club, where your every fantasy will be fulfilled.
Cooper
Also says I get a free T-shirt with flyer.
Madame Vandersexxx
He's American. How sad for you to grow up in a country founded by prudes. A country overrun with crime and illiteracy. A country where a man is forced to make sex to only one woman at a time, and one must learn the woman's name beforehand.
Cooper
It was horrible.
Madame Vandersexxx
I know. But you can come with me... and let the Vandersexxx begin.
Song lyrics
] in my soul. Your iguana in my hall...
[[w:marijuana|Marijuana]
Scott
I can't believe we're doing this!
Jenny
Don't worry. ] are totally legal here.
[[w:Cannabis edible|Hash brownies]
Bakery server
You're gonna enjoy these, man. These are magical!
[''Lays down plate of [[w:Chocolate brownie|brownies]
Song lyrics
I like to smoke marijuana...
Scott
You wanna do this?
Jenny
Yeah.
[''They dig in'']
Jamie
Hi.
Camera store clerk
Hi.
Jamie
I need a new battery for my camera, and while you're at it, it could use a cleaning.
Camera store clerk
Wow. Is that a ]?
[[w:Leica M6|Leica M6]
Jamie
Actually, it's ]. It's got ].
[[w:Leica M7|an M7; [w:light meter|the built-in light meter]
Camera store clerk
It's so beautiful. So sleek, so powerful. How's the new lens system?
Jamie
Makes the ] look like ].
[[w:Nikon|Nikon; [w:Disposable camera|a disposable]
Camera store clerk
You really know your cameras. And you're very cute.
Jamie
Me? Really?
Camera store clerk
I'm going on break. I was going to step out back and have a cigarette. Would you like to join me?
Jamie
I don't smoke.
Camera store clerk
Neither do I. Hold on, hold on. What is it? This is great! You're so innocent. Let's change that... shall we? What would you like me to do?
Jamie
Well... I don't really know... I guess I really haven't done that much. I haven't really found the time, with all my extracurriculars, and model U.N., ], after-school tutor... ing!
[[w:Advanced Placement|advanced placement classes]
Jamie
Ah! Gosh, you really like cameras!
Madame Vandersexxx
Sometimes, we find our clients are so overwhelmed with the pleasure, that they sometimes scream out, "no," when really they mean, "yes." And this is why we have ].
[[w:Safeword|the safe word]
Cooper
The "safe word"?
Madame Vandersexxx
If at any time the ecstasy gets too great, you just use the safe word. Until we hear the safe word, we will not stop.
Cooper
Yeah, right. Stop.
Madame Vandersexxx
All right. We're going to start slowly, teasing you with a little light erotic foreplay.
Cooper
Whee! Oh, yes, ladies!
[''Girls tie Cooper to table'']
Madame Vandersexxx
On, on, vandersexxx! Hans! Gruber!
[''Girls disappear, curtains automatically pull away, [[w:BDSM in culture and media|lighting changes to militaristic BDSM-style and she pulls away jacket to reveal leather dress; ''Two overweight leather-clad men come in'']
Cooper
Hi. So, are the girls coming back?
Madame Vandersexxx
Administer the testicle clamps!
Cooper
Huh? What? Hey! Safe word! What is that?! That's not a word, it's a... "Fluggen-kliggin-kien?" Fluggen!
Mugger
Okay, mister, don't move!
[''Appears holding a knife'']
Jamie
Excuse me?!
Mugger
Shut the hell up!
Jamie
Oh, brother! Please don't hurt me. Oh, no... you're fine. That's good. You're fine.
[''To Camera store clerk'']
Mugger
Give me cash?! You got cash?!
Jamie
Take it all, you dirty girl!
Mugger
What?! Your wallet! Focus! Give it to me!
[''Gives him wallet belt'']
Jamie
Oh! Oh, I love you! I love you! I love you! I looove you!
Scott
What's so funny?!
[''Jenny bursts laughing'']
Jenny
I'm really hungry. ]!
[[w:Effects of cannabis#Appetite|I think I've got the munchies]
Scott
Excuse me?!
Jenny
Huh?
Scott
It's hot in here! You hot?! Cause I'm really hot!
Jenny
So good!
Scott
Okay, I can't breathe! God! I'm freaking out! I think we got a bad batch cause I'm freaking out. I can't... I can't do this. I saw a gay porno once! I didn't know until halfway in! The girls never came! The girls never came! I am freaking out!
Bakery server
Everything all right with you?!
[''Appears'']
Scott
No, nothing's all right! You sold us a bad batch of hash brownies! You're a bad ]!
[[w:Rastafari|Rastafarian]
Bakery server
These are not hash brownies!
[''Camera view becomes stoic'']
Scott
Hmm?! What was that?!
Bakery server
We do not sell hash brownies! We're a simple Dutch bakery! Now put your clothes back on, white boy!
Cooper
Ow! Ow! Ow! "Fluggengegeholen!
Madame Vandersexxx
Did you say fluggegecheimen?!
Cooper
Yes! Yes! For the love of god, fluggengecheimen!
Madame Vandersexxx
Are you sure?!
Cooper
Yes, please!
Madame Vandersexxx
As you wish. Bring on the fluggegecheimen!
[''Two burly men bring out a cartoonishly complex sex machine with four dildos repurposed from a [[w:String trimmer|weedwacker]
Cooper
Wait... what? Uh-oh. No, no, no! I didn't say fluggegecheimen, I said, uh...
[''They rev the machine''; ''They lean in aiming at Cooper's rear and he screams'']
Scott
What'd you do last night?
Cooper
I don't want to talk about it. What did you guys do?
Scott
Don't want to talk about it. What is that?
Cooper
Free T-shirt.
Jamie
Hey, guys!
Cooper
What happened to you?
Jamie
I got robbed. It was awesome! Our money, passports, tickets... Everything, gone!
Cooper
How the hell could this happen? We all go to Amsterdam, and Jamie's the one who hooks up! For shame! Oh, that's me. Coop here. Sorry. Hello, Mr. Walters. You never got the Gutterman file? I told Humphrey to give it to you. That's hogwash. I handed it to him myself yesterday. I'll tell Humphrey to report to your office immediately. Bye. This job's killing me.
[''Phone rings''; ''Truck pulls over and driver leans out speaking fast colloquial German'']
Scott
Uh... Let me handle this. I speak bad German. My Deutsch is ill, but I can understand on you if the speaking is slowly.
[''In German'']
Truck driver
Deutsch! I have been driving for 14 hours straight and I haven't slept in 3 days! And I am wired on ], ], and ]!
[''In German''; [w:Schnapps|Schnapps; [w:Benzedrine|Benzedrine; [w:Chocolate-coated peanut|those little chocolate covered peanuts]
Cooper
What did he say?
Scott
He said he's driving.
Jenny
Oh.
Scott
Something. Do you know where Berlin is?
[''In German'']
Truck driver
Berlin? Yes, I know it well. I stabbed a woman in a bar in Berlin. But I am going nowhere near Berlin.
[''In German'']
Scott
Berlin?
Truck driver
Berlin! ] ] in Berlin.
[''In German''; [w:sexual assault|I also sexually assaulted; [w:bestiality|a horse]
Scott
He's going to Berlin!
Jamie
Awesome! All right!
Jenny
Berlin!
Truck driver
Come on, let's go! Next stop, Berlin! I'll drive this truck off a cliff before I ever go back to Berlin.
[''In German'']
Scott
Beautiful! We made it to Berlin.
Truck driver
Jah. Berlin! No one will ever find me in Bratislava.
[''In German'']
Scott
]?
[[w:Bratislava|Bratislava]
Truck driver
Yeah. Bratislava!
Cooper
Dear sweet mother of God. We're in Eastern Europe.
Jenny
Eww!
Scott
Excuse me. Do you speak any English?
Man
You are Americans? Yeah. I love America. We just get "Miami Vice" on television. "Miami Vice" is number one new show. Yeah.
Scott
Listen, we're trying to get to Berlin, Germany. Do you know if there's a train coming anytime soon?
Man
Oh, yes, very soon. They are building it now. ]! Enjoy Bratislava! It's good you came in summer. In winter, it can get very depressing.
[[w:U Can't Touch This|Stop! Hammer time]
Scott
We gotta figure something out. How much money do we have?
Jamie
Frommer's travel tip.
Jenny
I don't have anything.
Cooper
What? I got noth... fine. ].
[''Fishes out spare change''; [w:United States dollar|$1.83 American]
Scott
What are we gonna get with that?
Scott
Gotta love that exchange rate!
TV commercial announcer
Ta. Hapi Djus. Teraz bez drenei.
Cooper
Hmm. Now with less pulp.
Scott
Dinner is served.
Server
Would the masters care for anything else?
Scott
Think we're good. Thanks.
[''Tips him'']
Server
Ah! A nickel! You see this? I quit! I open my own hotel!
[''To boss''; ''Slaps his boss'']
Scott
So, we got 27 cents left. What is there to do in this town?
Scott
This song sounds familiar.
Cooper
Jenny, lemme check your coat.
Jenny
Hey!
Cooper
Jenny! That outfit is horrible! Just take it off... now!
Jenny
No, but I will let you buy me a drink.
Cristoph
Excuse me! You are the woman from the Paris train station, aren't you? My name is... Christoph.
Jenny
Yes. What are you doing here?
Cristoph
This is my place. My family owns many nightclubs in Europe. I'd be honored if you'd join me in my V.I.P.Room for a drink.
Jenny
Mmm-kay. Bye, Cooper.
Scott
What's that?
Jamie
It's absinthe. Frommer's says it's illegal in the States because it makes you hallucinate and go crazy. They call it "the green fairy.
Cristoph
My family has a yacht in ]. Come with me, Jennifer. We will sail away together.
[[w:Aegean seas|the Aegean]
Jenny
Oh, my God!
Cristoph
We will swim with ], and ] by moonlight.
[[w:dolphin|dolphins; [w:champagne|sip champagne]
Jenny
Oh, my God!
Cristoph
We will spend the day sunbathing, drinking wine. My wife makes the best ].
[[w:sangri|sangria]
Jenny
Wait... what?
Jenny
Sangria.
Cristoph
You take a good Spanish Rioja, and you put in slices of orange, and...
Jenny
No, wait. You said you were married? You go around Europe sleeping with every woman you meet?
Cristoph
No, please, Jennifer. It is not like that. I also sleep with men.
Jamie
I gotta say, I'm not feeling anything.
Cooper
Me neither. Sober as a judge.
Scott
How bout you?
Green Fairy hallucination
I'm not feeling a goddamn thing. This absinthe is bullshit!
Scott
I hear you, my brother.
[''Fist bumps the fairy'']
Green Fairy hallucination
I'm outta here. [He flies off
Jenny
Excuse me.
[''She grabs absinthe bottle'']
Cooper
Hey, so where's Christoph?
Jenny
Shut up.
[''Starts chugging straight from bottle'']
Collectively
Europe! Europe! Whoo! Europe!
Cooper
So, tomorrow, Berlin. Tomorrow, Mieke!
[''To Scott'']
Scott
Check it out. No way!
[''Referring to Jamie making out with a woman'']
Cooper
Jamie's hooking up with another girl? Goddamn it! It's just so unfair. I've been all over, looking for crazy European sex, and he's the one who ends up...
[''The couple turns sideways to reveal the woman is Jenny'']
Scott and Cooper
Oh, my God!
Green Fairy hallucination
That is some pretty fucked-up shit. Can you say, "What the fuck did I do last night?
Scott
They really are the worst twins ever.
Cooper
That was a pretty wild night, eh? Yep. Pretty wild, pretty wild. I know I was out of control. How about you guys? Did you...?
Jenny
All right, look. We were really drunk, things got a little crazy, and Jamie... kissed me. Let's just forget about it, kay?
Cooper
Consider it forgotten. Never happened. Never happened. Fine. Let's just forget about it. It's not like you two had sex. Have you had sex?
Jamie
Shut up, Cooper!
Jenny
Jamie, relax. Cooper. Please?
Cooper
Okay, okay, fine. I'll give it a rest. Jamie, could I borrow your Frommer's? Oh, here it is. Bratislava. Hmm. Capital of Slovakia. Oh, here's a fun fact. You made out with your sister, man!
[''Jamie throws the book to Cooper''; ''Jamie lunges at Cooper and starts throttling him'']
Jamie
Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
Cooper
Like two dogs in heat.
Miami Vice fan man
] ] hybrid vehicle] My friends, ]? You go to Berlin? I'm your ride. Hop in.
[''Pulls up in an orange [[w:Ute (vehicle)|ute; [w:Panel van|panel van; [w:Wendy's|where is the beef]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Realizations About Expectations
Scott
I saw ] once. I didn't know until halfway in. The girls never came. The girls never came!
[[w:Gay pornography|a gay porno]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Morning After a Wild Night
Scott
I'm never drinking again. Coop, wake up.
Cooper
Oh, man, that was a wild night.
Scott
You think?
Cooper
Scotty, where the hell are we going?
Scott
Don't worry. If anything bad happens, my parents will find us.
Scott's mother
Honey, where's Scotty?
Scott's father
Cooper said they were going camping.
Scott's mother
Oh, that's nice. And where's Bert?
Scott's father
Fuck if I know.
Mad Maynard
Hey! How are you, you scalawag! Look, ], ].
[[w:Geopolitics|given the current geopolitical climate; [w:European Parliament|all European countries should have a seat at the table]
Cooper
Right.
Mad Maynard
Except ]. I hate them Italian bastards. You know what I mean?
[[w:Italian people|those fucking Ities]
Scott
Excuse me.
Mad Maynard
Hello, boyo!
Scott
What the hell happened last night?
Mad Maynard
You got steamed up, pissed as a fart. Too much sauce, son! Don't worry. We come and got ya, so you wouldn't miss the trip.
Scott
What trip? Where are we going? What do you mean, where are we going?
Mad Maynard
We're going to see the Mighty Reds do the frogs in Paris. Aren't we, boys? Yeah!
[''All hooligans break out in cheers'']
Cooper
Why are you yelling at me?
[''To hooligan'']
Cecil
So I tell the swamp donkey to sock it before I give her a trunky in the tradesman's entrance and have her lick me yardballs!
[''[[w:Manchester dialect|With heavy Mancunian accent]
Cooper
Wow. You guys are on a completely different level of swearing over here.
Scott
Coop? Cooper, we're going to Paris!
Cooper
I know. Cecil told me.
Scott
Mieke's in Berlin.
Cooper
We're not going to Berlin.
Scott
What are we gonna do? We need a plan.
Cooper
See what I'm talking about? This is predictable Scotty talking. Relax. Paris is practically a suburb of Berlin. It's a nothing commute.
Scott
].
[[w:French-German relations|That's why France and Germany have always been allies]
Hooligan
Aye, allies.
Scott
The twins. The twins are in Paris, right? We can call them. They could help. Let me see your phone.
Cooper
Okay, but I'm only supposed to use this for business calls. Hey, don't...
[''Scott snatches the phone'']
Mad Maynard
Hey, lads! That wanker's got a frog football shirt on! Let's give this nancy a fucking good kicking! Come on, lads, he's going off!
[''Spots a supporter of the rival team''; ''All the hooligans charge after the man'']
Scott
All right. Twins said they'd meet us here. Look at that! There they are. Come on. Jenny! Jamie! Hey! Come here!
[''Spots them'']
Jenny
No, no. No, no, no! Scott, bienvenue a Paris!
Scott
Thank you.
Cooper
Is that a new camera?
Jamie
It isn't just a camera, this is a Leica M. Uber-sensitive exposure settings, legendary cloth shutter system.
Cooper
Let me see that thing.
Jamie
No can do. ] to pay for it, so nobody touches my camera but me.
[[w:Lacrosse|I spent four years tutoring lacrosse players]
Cooper
It's like ].
[[w:Human penis|your wiener]
Jamie
No, it's not... Jenny...
Jenny
Cooper, leave him alone. Wow, I can't believe you came all the way to Europe for a girl.
Cooper
Wait, not just any girl. Show her the picture, Scotty. She makes girls in our high school look like walruses.
Jenny
I'm a girl from your high school.
Cooper
No, I mean "girl" girls.
Scott
Guys, we're wasting the whole day here. We're in Paris! Let's go to ]!
[[w:Louvre|the Louvre]
In unison
To the Louvre!
Cooper
So, you guys wanna stay here, or should we check out the huge line at ]?
[[w:Eiffel Tower|the Eiffel Tower]
Jamie
Here's a fun fact. ] contracted ] two blocks from here. Should we go?
[[w:Voltaire|Voltaire; [w:syphilis|syphilis]
Cooper
Can we please get out of here? This guy's really creeping me out.
Scott
Who, robot man? He's just trying to feed his robot family.
Cooper
I really don't like him.
Scott
Why? Because he's doing this?
Cooper
Okay, seriously, don't do that. Cooper. Do not hate me.
Scott
I am familiar with over 600 dance moves and I am programmed to get... freaky. You're just upset because people like me better. It's okay. Oh!
[''Robotman pushes him'']
Jenny
Fight! Fight!
Cooper
Break the leg shot!
Scott
Ha! Ha! Ha!
Jamie
Don't look in his eyes, Scotty.
Scott's friends
Ohhh! That was not cool. Oh!
Scott
Guys, let's go. Come on.
Robotman
Error! Error! Error!
Scott
How cool is this? It's a shame we only get to spend one day together. Why don't you come to Berlin?
Jamie
Umm, no.
Scott
Jamie, come on. In a few months, we go to different colleges. This could be the last chance the four of us are together like this. Plus, we're in Europe. Huh? This should be the trip of a lifetime. There's no way we should split up. All right, this table is now Europe, Okay? Excuse me. We are right here, in Paris, and I have got to get to Mieke, who is over here, in Berlin. If you come with us, I'm sure there's a ton of great stuff to see along the way. We can go to ].
[[w:Denmark|Denmark]
Jenny
I love Denmark.
Cooper
We gotta hit ].
[[w:Amsterdam|Amsterdam]
Scott
Definitely.
Jamie
And ]!
[[w:Camaret|the cathedral at Cameret]
Scott
Yeah... Maybe. We'll see.
Cooper
Whatever.
Scott
If there's time. Come on! I really want you to be there when I meet Mieke.
Cooper
Fine.
Scott
Excellent! All right! A toast!
Cooper
Yes!
Scott
To Mieke! To Europe!
In unison
To Europe! Merci. Berlin, here we come! All right.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.