Name: Get Him to the Greek
Genre: Adventure, Comedy, Music
Released: 2010-06-04
Duration: 109 min
Rating: 6
Cast: Jonah Hill, Russell Brand, Rose Byrne, Elisabeth Moss, Tyler McKinney

25 quotes

Get Him to the Greek

Choosing a Song for the Today Show

Aaron Hey, so, Aldous, for the Today Show, they want to know what song you want to play.

Aldous Say it was up to you, Aaron, what would you have me do?

Aaron That's your call. You're the artist, you know, whatever you feel like playing. I'd be really interested, cause you're, like, a legitimate enthusiast. I'd like to know what you'd be into doing. If I had to choose, all-time favorite would be The Clap. That's a classic. You know, that's... That's, like, my childhood right there, you know.

Aldous Okay. Well, I suppose the obvious choice is African Child, right?

Aaron Yeah. Great tune. Yeah, I love African Child. The song's awesome. I brush my teeth to it, you know? I think maybe we should run to the airport right now, cause we're getting close.

Aldous Change it to the next one. Should we get out of this bourgeois shithole?

Bandmate I disagree with what you're saying!

Aldous Bollocks! I disagree highly!

Aaron Oh, no.

Aldous Hey, move into... Make Aaron famous. Aldous, here!

Aaron Hey, look, the car service is here, with all the bags.

Aldous Yeah, yeah, yeah. Change it to the next one.

Aaron So we're going on the next one?

Aldous This is why we delay flights. For this!

[''They walk into nightclub'']

Aaron ] of What's up, man? Hey. I’m at a table in the back with Aldous Snow.

[''Walks up to [[w:Tom Felton|Tom Felton; [w:Harry Potter|Harry Potter fame]

Tom Felton Great.

[''Unimpressed]

Aaron Feel free to bring ]. We’ll play some late night ].

[[w:Severus Snape|Professor Snape; pause; [w:Quidditch|Quidditch]

Tom Felton Just...leave it.

[''He walks away]

Aaron Right? Not everyone cares. Excuse me. Aldous. Hey. Sorry. Excuse me. Sorry. Excuse me.

[''Spots Aldous making out with a woman''; ''Uses hands to separate woman's face from Aldous' face'']

Aldous What? What are you doing?

Aaron I'm so sorry. Excuse me.

Aldous What's this?

Aaron Listen, hey, listen. It's just getting super close to that 12:00 a.m. Flight.

Aldous Aaron. I don't... See them two girls? Just there? I want to fuck them two girls. Do you?

Aaron Yeah, they seem awesome. They seem, like, cool. Sure. Why not? I don't want to think about that right now, man. That's cool. I just want to leave here, please.

Aldous You're in a long-term relationship, right?

Aaron No, just ended, actually. See, my...

Aldous Brilliant! So, doesn't it make sense that we would stay here and have possibly the time of your life?

Aaron Fuck!

Aldous Okay. What'd you prefer, blonde or brunette? Blonde or brunette?

Aaron I don't know.

Aldous What was your ex?

Aaron Brunette.

Aldous Blonde it is.

Aaron Here we go!

Aldous Thank you. Cheers. Do you want to go to the loo for a minute?

Aaron Why?

Aaron Oh, yes! Oh, God. My butt's getting wet! My butt's getting wet! I'm falling in the toilet! I'm falling in the toilet! That was great. Awesome.

[''A hooker is hyper-vigorously riding Aaron in a washroom stall while repeatedly yanking the flush chain'']

Aldous Chase me! It's better than Christmas!

[''They run down hallway''; ''Aldous jiggles hooker's breasts in a taxi-cab'']

Jackie No, shut up.

Aldous Go on, Aaron, give her both barrels!

Aaron All right. Can you give me the key, please?

Aldous I love you. We've seen not much of that today. Toss it! And there it goes. The hoop goes wide. Oh, no.

Aaron We're fine. We got 35 minutes to catch an international flight.

Aldous I wouldn't worry about it. Your mouth is smiling, but your eyes look all sad. Why?

Aaron Do you mind driving faster, please?

Limo Driver in London Would you like me to take the ] through ] and ]?

[[w:Chiswick|Chiswick roundabout; [w:Hounslow|Hounslow; [w:Staines-upon-Thames|Staines]

Aaron What is this, fucking ]? Just take us to the airport, okay?

[[w:Middle-earth|Middle Earth]

Aldous Come on!

Aaron All right, sir.

Aldous Run! Run! Run! Run! Just, try and keep up.

PA announcer Final boarding call... Just keep up.

Aldous Aaron. Aaron. Aaron, you're sleeping. Stop sleep. Aaron, you're asleep. You're asleep. You're asleep, Aaron. Here's your drink.

Aaron My leg.

Aldous Don't sleep so often. Cheers, mate.

Aaron Thank you for waking me up.

Aldous Why do you think people keep saying my music's shit?

Aaron I don't think that's the case. Is it? Is that the case?

Aldous Yeah, a lot of negativity. Lot of sniping and snidey remarks. People are, " Yeah, he's shit, he's a has-been, he's over, "he's in his greatest hits era." Don't listen to that shit.

Aaron I love all your albums.

Aldous Do you love the album African Child?

Aaron Yeah, of course. I love African Child. It's awesome.

Aldous Aaron. ] said that African Child was the most detrimental thing to happen to black culture since ].

[[w:NME|NME; [w:1992 Los Angeles riots|the Rodney King beatings]

Aaron Are you serious? Yeah.

Aldous I read in Rolling Stone that African Child came third behind famine and war as the thing that had been most damaging to African life.

Aaron I find that hard to believe, but they say any press is good press, right? I mean...

Aldous Come on, mate. You know, open up.

Aaron It seems as if on your last album you kind of went in the studio and just did whatever the producer asked you to do.

Aldous Right. Yeah, no, that's exactly... This is good.

Aaron Aldous Snow needs to be two guitars, a bass and a drum kit and his incredible voice.

Aldous Vocals, yes! Yes. And that's it. And that's what we want to hear. That's what I love.

Aaron That's what all your fans love. It's just every artist has this one album that's just not good, and that's it. Honestly, I listen to that and I'm just like, "What is this piece of shit I'm listening to? Do I even know this artist? "What the fuck was he thinking?

Aldous Don't fucking talk to me like that, you little prick.

Aaron I'm so sorry.

Aldous In future, if someone asks you to give them a critique of their work, don't rip out their fucking gizzards and hold it in front of their face. What are you? What do you know?

Aaron I'm sorry. Look, I don't know what I'm talking about.

Aldous Yeah, what you did was very spiteful. But it was also very brave and very honest, and I respect you for doing that, but the content of what you said has made me hate you. So there's a layer of respect, admittedly, for your truthfulness, peppered with hate. Hateful respect.

Aaron I'm sorry.

Aldous It's over.

In-flight movie doctor played by Sarah Marshall Scalpel! Now! But, Doctor!

Aldous Hey, I think I used to have sex with her. Yeah, yeah. No, I did, I did.

Song lyrics Love is blind Love is blind, love is blind

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Get Him to the Greek

Aldous Snow's Unique Self-Perception

Aldous Snow I'm like an African white space Jesus. That's not for me to say though.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Get Him to the Greek

Aldous Snow's Turbulent Concert Reunion Announcement

TV announcer Coming up later... The 10-year anniversary of Aldous Snow's seminal concert at the Greek. Live in Los Angeles. But now, Bill Maher, Red, White and Spew. "Where the fuck are you? I am gonna kill you. Smiley face.

[''Aaron reads phone text message from Sergio in his voice'']

Aaron Fuck him.

[''Puts down phone'']

TV announcer Broadcasting live from the Greek, your Uncle Joe. The crowd is amped! Aldous Snow, the most self-destructive man in rock and roll, not yet in the building. Well, there'll be a lot of Infant Sorrow...

Aldous Aaron? It's me. I really need to apologize and to tell you that I'm gonna jump off the roof of ] now.

[''From answering machine''; [w:Superior Oil Company Building|the Standard Hotel]

Aaron Fuck him.

Aldous If you're not busy...

Aaron Shit! Shit, shit, shit, shit.

[''He is driving erratically at high speed'']

Aldous Hello, Los Angeles! Should I jump into the pool? Or how about into the street?

Aaron Hey, Aldous, it's Aaron! Get down! I'm here! I'm here, get down from there! Hey, Aldous, I'm here! Hey! Hey, Aldous, don't jump!

Aldous Hi, Aaron!

Aaron Just come down and we'll talk about it! You made it! No, stop!

Partygoer He's gonna jump!

Aaron Don't do it! No, stop! No, no, no! No, no, no! Aldous! Aldous!

[''Aldous jumps into pool hitting shoulder on pool edge'']

Aldous My arm. Aaron.

Aaron Are you okay, man? You...

Aldous Aaron, it was wrong of me to have sex with you and your girlfriend, Daphne. That wasn't fair.

Aaron No, no, that's okay.

Aldous We don't have to talk about it. I done it for me. I done it for my selfish reasons.

Aaron I know, but fine. Whatever. Just... I don't wanna... Are you okay?

Aldous I'm lonely, mate. I'm really lonely. And I'm sad. And I ain't got no one, except my mum. And she's an idiot. And now I'm crying in front of you, and you thought I was cool, didn't you, for a while, and now I'm crying. I'm embarrassed. Embarrassed.

Aaron You try so hard, man.

Aldous But you're fine.

Aaron You're Aldous Snow, man. You make people happy by doing what you love to do. You make people happy by doing what you love to do. And that's fucking awesome. There's thousands of people in a room right now just standing, waiting to see your face. And they like you. I liked you before I met you.

Aldous Don't you like me no more?

Aaron Aldous, I came here. I'm here.

Aldous Right. I want to do the gig. I'm gonna... I'll do the gig. I'm gonna do it.

Aldous No, I didn't mean that. I don't think that we... Let's go.

Aaron We shouldn't go.

Aldous No, we should do it. Let's go. Let's do it. I don't want to let people down who love me.

Aaron Not tonight.

Aldous Let's go. Let's do it.

Aaron I'm pretty sure if you don't go to a hospital, you're going to die.

Aldous I want to go to the Greek Theatre and I want to save your job, and I want to perform for my fans and do something that ain't selfish, cause this is not working for me as a lifestyle choice.

Aaron You sure you're okay? Cause it looks like Jaws just bit your ass off.

Aldous Yeah. Little bit of blood makes a really big cloud.

Aaron This is a bad idea. We should not be doing this.

Aldous Yes, we should. This is a good idea. Although, my arm is hurting a little bit. I sustained an injury.

Aaron Oh, my God! Oh, my God! That's bone. I'm taking you to the hospital, Aldous. I'm taking you to the hospital, all right, man?

Aldous Not tonight. This is rock and roll. Touch it.

Aaron That is so fucking...

['' He projectile vomits onto windshield'']

Aldous Don't overreact.

Aaron I fucking threw up.

Aldous I told you don't freak out.

Aaron Get that fucking arm out of my face! I fucking threw up!

Sergio Yes, yes, yes! I knew you would make it. I love you!

Aldous Sergio.

[''Holds up wounded arm'']

Sergio Shit!

Kali No! We should take him to the hospital.

Sergio No. Come on, let's get him into wardrobe. Don't worry about it. Let's get him out to the audience there. The audience is getting restless, but you're here. You are here.

Aaron Hey, look, we should talk.

Sergio What's up?

Aaron He's like, really, really hurt.

Sergio What are you talking about? He's here. He's all right. It's just a little scratch. There's a teeny-weeny bone sticking out!

Aaron He can't go on.

Sergio What the fuck? Hold on. We have something for that. Give him two of these. He'll be singing like ].

[[w:Aretha Franklin|Aretha Franklin]

Aaron I can't do this anymore.

Sergio What the fuck you talking about, you can't do it anymore? You, you got him here! You've done it!

Aaron He doesn't need to be pushed on the stage right now. I...

Sergio Sometimes we gotta sacrifice one lamb, baby. It's gonna be all right. He's not gonna die!

Aaron You keep feeding him drugs and lies. He's a sad guy. He needs help.

Sergio He's gonna live a long time. Trust me. British motherfuckers don't die. You ever heard of a fucking... A British rock and roll star dying? No, none of them die. ]. ]. Those ]... Them motherfuckers old as fuck! Fucking ]'s gonna outlive ]!

Aaron I quit.

Sergio Hey, come on! Why do you even have me feeling like this? This is supposed to be fun!

Aaron I fucking quit.

Sergio Aaron, get back here!

Aaron Aldous! You don't have to go out there. You don't have to do this anymore!

Aldous I don't know what all the fuss was about. I love doing this!

Aaron You don't have to do this.

Aldous I do, Aaron. They're all here to see me. I feel nervous. It's good to feel something. I love this! It's all I've got. And you. I owe you one, mate. See you on the other side. Like water through a drain I'm spinning down, down, down Down, down, down Like the needle in my vein You're bringing me down, down, down Down, down, down Like a dog who's gone insane You're putting me down, down, down, down, down, down. And those of you who doubted me You're going down, down, down Down, down, down. And the record man who never called can you hear what's going on? I'm coming up, I'm coming up, I'm coming up, I'm coming up. And this world ain't gonna catch me going down. Another night, you're on my mind I'm hypnotized but I cannot find the signs. The signs for the Tube to come home. I need the Tube to get home. Another night I'm here alone. My eyes so tired from staring at this phone. Why won't you call and come home? Please, call and come home. And I know that you won't come. Just for the cash. But will you come for ]. My ]? Another night in ]. My wrists so tired. From working with my hands. Why has the world gone so still? The world is so still I feel that my next meal might be my last. Will you come for my bangers My beans and mash? Come for my bangers My beans and mash.

[''Singing''; [w:sausages|my bangers; [w:Mashed potato|beans and mash; [w:Soho Grand Hotel|Soho Grand]

Daphne Aaron?

Aaron Listen... Don't say anything.

Daphne Oh, my God. We slept for, like, 14 hours.

Aaron Wow. I feel so much better now.

Daphne Me, too.

Aaron Do you want to get some brunch? We should probably burn these sheets, huh?

Daphne Yeah. I can get some bleach from the hospital.

Aaron Maybe just torch the whole apartment. You got it?

Daphne Yeah.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Get Him to the Greek

Urgent Need for Revenue in Music Industry

Sergio We gotta thicken our revenue stream! We gotta thicken our fucking stream! We gotta thicken the fuck out of that stream right now! Shit is serious out here! The music business is failing! The bubble done pop! Whose phone is that?

[''Someone's phone rings and everyone looks around and Aaron looks at the Jazz producer's to get him to admit it'']

Jazz producer It's my phone, man.

Sergio That's your phone?

Jazz producer It's mine, yeah.

Sergio Answer it.

Jazz producer Definitely. What's up, bro? Yeah. No, I can't talk right now. Yeah, he's actually staring at me, he's really pissed right now. Swear to God, I'm not joking, man. Yeah, 6:30. I gotta go right now, though. Bye. I apologize about that.

[''Answers phone'']

Sergio Throw that phone out of my office!

Jazz producer Please don't make me do that.

Sergio Throw that fucking phone out of my office!

Jazz producer Right on.

[''He complies'']

Sergio Y'all think this meeting is for me. No. No, this meeting is not for me. It's for y'all! See, see, I'm gonna be all right. I'm straight. I got villas in ], ], ], ]. Sergio gonna be fine! Fuck ]. I own 20 ]!

Kali Twenty-one, sir.

Sergio I own 21 Koo Koo Roos. Y'all don't own one Koo Koo Roo. Not one. Not one. Y'all are fucked!

Bodyguard You all are fucked!

[''in a high pitch'']

Sergio He's not wrong. ]. I'm doing fine. Please, people, help me help you. Who's first?

[[w:Chicken as food|Everyone loves chicken]

Matty Me first, Sergio. There's this Taiwanese phone company, TEC, it's got great valuation, it's a steal, dude. We buy that shit, we're not just ], we're selling the fucking hardware, bitch.

[[w:ringtone|selling the ring tones]

Sergio Does this look like a telephone company to you? We make records here. This is not Cingular Wireless. Anybody here know anything about ], any of that fucking phone shit?

[[w:AT&T Mobility#Cingular Wireless|Cingular's wireless broadband]

Matty No.

Sergio Well, you know something, you should. Don't be proud of your ignorance. Now tell me something good.

Matty I just discovered the next ]. I swear to God above, I can vouch for her.

[[w:Alicia Keys|Alicia Keys]

Sergio The next Alicia Keys.

Matty Yeah.

Sergio What was your last discovery?

Matty Chocolate Daddy.

Sergio I couldn't hear you. What'd you say?

Matty Chocolate Daddy.

Sergio Yeah, Chocolate motherfucking Daddy. He discovered Chocolate Daddy. How much did Chocolate Daddy sell?

Matty Fifteen thousand units.

Sergio Fifteen thousand units. I'm proud of every unit. I'm proud of those units.

Matty I'm telling you, this girl is...

Sergio Shut the fuck up.

Matty This girl...

Sergio Don't talk.

Matty She got a...

Sergio Shut the fuck up, man. Please.

Matty I'm not gonna talk anymore.

[''Kevin mouths "Don't talk to him, please'']

Sergio Shut the fuck up! Fifteen thousand units! You made me vouch for Chocolate Daddy! Fifteen thousand units! I got six fucking kids! You know how much money that is to put them through school? You know how many ]s six black kids wear? I'm sorry for my outburst. I'm having a panic attack right now. You. What you so quiet for?

[[w:Air Jordan|Air Jordan; ''Motions to Aaron'']

Aaron Just thinking of ideas.

Sergio That's what we need. We need ideas. Share. Share with the group.

Aaron Okay. Next month is the 10-year anniversary of Aldous Snow Live at the Greek Theatre, which is one of the highest selling ] of all time. And if we did some sort of anniversary concert, I did the figures, and it can generate millions of dollars in revenue.

[[w:Album#Liv|live albums]

Sergio So you think one show is gonna change our game.

Aaron Well, we simulcast on ], ]. We charge them each a million bucks to co-sponsor the event. And that'll jump-start sales of his back catalog, which we can re-release, re-master, with additional tracks and ].

[[w:HBo|HBO; [w:Facebook|Facebook; [w:Concert film|a live DVD of the concert]

Sergio Come on. We need a game changer. And Aldous Snow is not it.

Aaron Aldous Snow is one of the last remaining rock stars.

Sergio With all due respect, maybe a game changer's not what we need.

Aaron He's a real musician, and we have a chance to make real music, and that's how we can succeed. And personally, I think it would kick ass to see him play live again. That's why we're all in this business, right? To... Cause we're fans?

Sergio That's really nice. Now I need y'all to listen to something that's a game changer. Play that shit. This is a game changer right here.

[''Starts playing Infant Sorrow rap song with vulgar lyrics and all staff starts dancing in seats'']

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Get Him to the Greek

Questioning the Reality of War

Aldous Snow I was watching the news one day and I saw footage about, uh, war, and I think it was in ], or ], or ], or one of em, and I thought, this isn't right, is it? And I made some phone calls and it turns out, it isn't.

[[w:Darfur|Darfur; [w:Rwanda|Rwanda; [w:Zimbabwe|Zimbabwe]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Get Him to the Greek

A Casual Exchange Between Friends

Aaron Hey.

Daphne Hi.

Aaron Hi.

Daphne I'm so tired. Oh, my God.

Aaron You look pretty.

Daphne Thank you! It was such a crazy day. I can't wait to watch, like, a hundred hours of ].

[[w:Gossip Girl|Gossip Girl]

Aaron Me, too.

Daphne Yay!

Aaron Or instead of that, we could go see The Pixies and The Mars Volta play a show.

Daphne I don't think I can do it tonight. I have to be back at the hospital at, like, 6:00 a.m. And who's Mars Volta, again?

Aaron Oh.

Daphne I don't think it's worth me being tired over. Just stay and watch Gossip Girl with me.

Aaron Okay, well, then if you fall asleep, then I get to go to the concert?

Daphne If you stay, I'll have sex with you.

Aaron I feel like you're blackmailing me with your genitals. That's not fair.

Daphne Well, then do it to me.

Aaron Listen, if you don't go to that concert, you don't get any of my penis tonight.

Daphne I think I'm gonna stay home. Doesn't work with the penis.

Aaron No, it's not fair. Blackmail does not work with the penis. It doesn't work.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Get Him to the Greek

Awkward Morning Encounter Among Friends

Aldous Good morning, beautiful. Fancy an orgasm? Cause I knock them out, like, for free.

Jackie I told you not to come here.

Aldous It just happened.

Jackie Get in here, Aldous.

Aldous Don't be so violent.

Jackie I gotta stop now. We're done. All right.

[''Aldous takes off blanket'']

Aldous Hey. Steady! That's not fair. I haven't finished. I got a busy day!

Jackie What, you want to have a wank and then just rub my tits or something?

Aldous No, I don't want to.

Jackie Please?

Aldous I'm not 12.

Jackie Please?

Aldous I don't want to rub your tits and wank.

Jackie I'll tell you a sexy story.

Aldous Jackie! Darling. That's not fair. That's not equal. Reason within.

Jackie What about ]? Just a quick one.

[[w:fellatio|a BJ]

Aldous Will you do my balls as well?

Jackie Yeah, fuck, all right.

Aldous Will you put your fingers up my bottom?

Jackie All right, yeah. Later. What are you even doing here, Aldous? Why are you in LA?

Aldous I'm here because I've been thinking about you the last few days. I want to be with you, Jackie. I know that now.

Jackie You on a Jeffrey?

Aldous Yeah.

Aldous I'm not partying anymore. I'm in a clean zone. I have been for a while.

Jackie Well, that's perfect, because... I'm actually a different person. A very different person.

Aldous I want to be clean with you. You're the love of my life.

Jackie Aldous, I've been doing ]. It's an ancient religion. It's brought to light all the mistakes that I've made. For all those mistakes, I am sorry.

[[w:kabbalah|kabbalah]

Aldous Don't be sorry. Let's get married. I love you.

Jackie Yeah, and I was going to get married, but then you went to rehab for methamphetamine, I was taking ], and we had to reschedule.

[[w:ecstasy|a lot of E]

Aldous Come off, cause that's not important.

Jackie Aldous! This has been the best four months of my life. I've realized you aren't capable of happiness. It's why your music's so shit. It's been years since I've seen you laugh or cry in a real way. You just numb yourself with drugs.

Aldous I was clean for seven years...

Jackie And you did yoga for five fucking hours a day! That's mental. There's nothing in this world that you can't turn into heroin. The other day, Lars cried for three hours.

Aldous Bit indulgent.

Jackie It was beautiful! And cleansing! And more intimate than anything you and I have ever shared.

Aldous We share a son. That is a bit more intimate than a crying drummer.

Jackie Naples is not your son.

Aldous Yes, he is. Yes, he... Jackie, why... Don't say things like that in an argument, cause, like, you can't come back from that. That's horrible.

Jackie He's not. Do you remember that photographer, Fernando? Do you remember when Fernando and I went and spent that month together in Naples? I'm so sorry, Aldous. I was 19 at the time, and I was so in love with you, and I thought you would break it off with me, and then you turned out to be such a good father. And then he just kept looking more and more Italian. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so glad we finally got to have this conversation, darling. Namaste.

Aldous This is not an appropriate time to say namaste.

Aldous Yeah. Naples?

Naples Yeah?

Aldous One day you'll have to find a wife or a partner.

Naples Yeah, I know that.

Aldous Don't choose a woman like your mother.

Naples What do you mean?

Aldous I mean, your mother is a wonderful mother, but she is a terrible human being.

Naples Are you sure of that?

Aldous Well, yeah, because if she wasn't terrible, Naples, why would she have torn my heart up?

Naples Why are you so moody today?

Aldous I'm not moody. I'm just... I'm all right. Do you love me?

Naples I do love you, Dad. I do love you, Aldous. Why do I have to call you Aldous? You are my dad. Aldous. Dad. Aldous. Dad.

Aldous Right. I'll see you later.

[''They hug'']

Naples See you tomorrow, Dad.

Aldous Good boy.

Naples You gonna be okay, Aldous?

Aldous Yeah, yeah, I'll be fine. I'll forget that the last seven years has happened.

Lars Aldous!

Aldous Hello. Enter Sandman.

Lars Babe? We should really get back to Naples. He's waiting back there for us.

Aldous ], you little Danish twat?

[[w:Metallica v. Napster, Inc.|So why don't you go and sue Napster]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Get Him to the Greek

Aldous Snow's Controversial Song and Its Message

Aldous I have crossed the mystic desert. To snap pictures of the poor. I've invited them to brunch. Let them crash out on my floor. There's sunshine in my veins My kitchen's filled with flies. I'm crying out in vain Like a little African child. Trapped in me. There's a little African child trapped in me. All of these blowjobs in limousines. Why do they matter, what do they mean. To the little African child trapped in me?

[''Singing'']

Zoe This is Zoe Salmon, and I'm on the set of international rock star Aldous Snow's new music video, African Child.

Aldous I was watching the news one day and I saw footage about, well, a war in I think it was Darfur or Zimbabwe or Rwanda, one of them. And I just thought, "This isn't right, is it?" And I made some phone calls. It turns out, it isn't.

Zoe Aldous longtime girlfriend and mother of their son, Naples, model pop star Jackie Q.

Jackie He's really passionate. He's never been to Africa, but he's really passionate about it. And about, like, potentially going there.

Aldous When they were putting together this costume, I said, "Imagine an African, white Christ from space." And this is what they came back with, an African, white space Christ. That's how it... Well, that's just the concept, you know. Obviously, I'm not saying I'm an African, white space Christ. That would be... That's not for me to say. That's for other people... That's for other people to say if they think I'm... They think I'm like Jesus. Ride me inside me supertight. Boom boom. Shake the room like it's dynamite. Ride me inside me supertight. Boom boom. Shake the room like it's dynamite. Ride me inside me supertight. Boom boom Shake the room like it's dynamite.

[''Sings'']

Zoe Jackie, you've had multiple hit singles, an amazing modeling career, and your very own perfume line. How do you find balance with your family life?

Jackie Naples is a darling.

Naples Really cool!

Jackie He's so gorgeous. And Aldy's the best father.

Zoe What do you love most about Aldous?

Jackie I just love his energy and insight. The way he says my name and...

Aldous Jackie. Oh, don't.

Zoe You have a huge album coming out right now, African Child. Everyone is so excited about it. You must be, too.

Aldous When people look back at musical history, they'll say, "Sergeant Pepper, African Child." That's what they'll probably say. Trapped in me...

[''Sing'']

Brooke Jackie, Aldous, welcome back to ]. Great to see you! How are things going, Aldous?

[[w:Showbiz Tonight|Showbiz Tonight]

Aldous Fantastically. To tell you the truth, Brooke. I'm happy in a way I didn't think was truly possible for me.

Brooke Great. And you, Jackie?

Jackie I'm actually a bit bored, you know. We've been sober now seven years together. And it's been a real adjustment for me, you know, the difference in lifestyle. You know, he works out all day getting every part of his body really hard. Except one part's missing, you know? One part. I think that through all that...

Aldous Jackie. ] today?

[[w:Alcoholism|Have you been drinking]

Jackie I've had a few fucking drinks, yeah. Just a few drinks.

Aldous Yeah.

Jackie But that... You know, whatever. You know, arrest me. But it's really boring.

Aldous Jackie. Jackie.

Jackie The old Aldous would have, you know, ]. Would've bent you over that pretty little chair and had his way! And now ]! You'd be coming over for ] later, I'll tell you that, sweetie! But that's not happening anymore!

[''To the hostess''; [w:Sexual assault|had his way with you; [w:Threesome|we'd be having a three-way; [w:cognac|a cognac]

Aldous Do you want me to start drinking again?! Is that what you'd like?! Do you want to return to that?!

Jackie Maybe you should!

Aldous I'll do lines off her forehead while I'm in her up to my nuts! If that's what you want! I'm just saying!

Mario of Extra Tell you what, time to invest in ], cause Aldous Snow is off the wagon!

[''To viewer''; [w:Jack Daniel's|Jack Daniel's]

Song lyrics Drinking gin at half past 5:00. Chatting up the bird with the dodgy eye, I vomit ] on her pasty thighs Do a runner when her fella arrives Drop the pills, I'm off me crust. Meet the lads, I'm coming up

[''Aldous is partying with [[w:Pink (singer)|P!nk; [w:Jägermeister|Jager]

Billy Bush of Access Hollywood The misbehaving singer appeared on ] this weekend to leak some exciting info.

[[w:MTV News|MTV News]

Aldous song lyrics ]..., let's get fucked up on the town...

[''Repeatedly over montage of antics''; [w:Drug abuse|Let's get fucked]

Voiceover Aldous Snow's father and former manager, Jonathan Snow, has written a tell-all book.

Jonathan Well, I managed Aldous for the first two years of his career.

Aldous Yeah, he managed me while I was in his ]! The minute he ], the management ended! No, I don't fucking miss it! I'll show you what it's like!

[[w:testicles|testicles; [w:ejaculation|ejaculated]

Voiceover Yeah, you're watching Aldous Snow on ]!

[[w:TMZ|TMZ]

Aldous song lyrics Let's get fucked..., let's get fucked up on the town..., let's have fun..., let's have fun up on the town..., called a cab, back to mine. Same routine every time.

[''Repeatedly over montage of antics'']

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Get Him to the Greek

Aldous Seeks Reassurance Before the Concert

Aldous So I might not do the Greek. You know, the show at the Greek. The concert. I might not do it.

Lena Oh, dear. That's a shame.

Aldous Can you say something reassuring to me? Say that reassuring thing that mums say to their son?

Lena You... No, you... You stay chipper. And don't get down. And when you get back, I'll make you some shortbread or...

Aldous All right, well, I think everything's gonna be all right. Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I love you, Mum.

Lena Stay chipper. All right, darling? Bye-bye.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Get Him to the Greek

Imagination Filled with Whimsy and Nonsense

Aldous Snow Your brain is full of lollipops, rainbows, and cheese.

[to Aaron]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Get Him to the Greek

Pre-Show Nerves and Last-Minute Motivation

Aldous Aaron. I haven't performed in three years, you know? I need a drink if I'm gonna do this show. I feel tired. I don't even want to do it.

Aaron You'll do great. We have, like, 14 minutes to get to the Today Show, so step on it.

[''To limo driver'']

Aldous Aaron. Here's a photo of you being sick last night.

Aaron And so it is. Who's this guy? He's really cute.

Aldous That's Naples. My son. The only thing that makes me happy, the little twit.

Aaron Hey, Sergio.

[''Answers phone'']

Sergio The 7:00 a.m. Flight! What the fuck? You have lost control of this shit. What you think? Hold on. I mean, come on, player. Lose the pink, man. It's not gangsta.

[''To [[w:Pharrell Williams|Pharrell Williams]

Pharrell Williams That's your problem, man. You always trying to be gangsta.

Sergio What are you talkin about? The name of the song is called I'm Gangsta!

Pharrell Williams ].

[[w:Michael Jackson's Thriller (music video)|You're five zippers away from Thriller]

Sergio ], motherfucker.

[[w:Carlton Banks|And you're one shirt away from Carlton]

Pharrell Williams Fuck off, Sergio.

Sergio You can fuck me all you want, but you gonna change that goddamn pink. Aaron, listen, your job is to keep him sober for the next 30 minutes.

[''To Aaron'']

Aaron Hey, I feel like a little whiskey. Do you mind? Thanks.

[''Aldous hands Aaron [[w:Hip flask|flask]

Aldous I'm not gonna wear this hat on the program, so whatever you do to my hair now is irrelevant.

Aaron I kind of feel like getting a buzz on also. Do you mind?

[''Aldous hands Aaron [[w:Joint (cannabis)|joint]

Aldous You enjoying yourself, mate? Goddamn. This ain't cool, what you're doing. Cause I need that for the show. This isn't cool.

Aaron Don't be a bitch, dude. Let me get my smoke on.

Meredith ] stops by to give us his take on the economy.

[[w:Paul Krugman|Economist Paul Krugman]

Aaron Hey. I'm Aaron.

Studio assistant Do you have any idea how late you are? You smell like a hobo.

Meredith But first, our interview and performance from British rocker Aldous Snow. We'll be back right after these messages. And we're in commercial. Thanks, guys.

Aaron Meredith! Hello, this is Aldous Snow. It is such a pleasure to finally meet you. I was getting a little worried. I know you changed your flights quite a few times. I didn't think you'd make it.

Aldous I apologize for our tardiness. The culprit is this gentleman. He's Aaron Green. That's why we're late, because of him. Aaron! Hey. Come meet Meredith. Hey, Meredith. Oh, my gosh. It's lovely to meet you.

Aaron My mom loves your shit.

Aldous There, see? He looks after me.

Meredith I am here with Aldous Snow of Infant Sorrow. Ready, one, take. Aldous, tough question. You were famously sober for many years. Now you are famously not sober. Are you on something right now?

Aldous Yeah. You are?

Meredith Yeah. Several things?

Aldous I'm just mucking around, Meredith. I've never taken drugs.

Meredith I have. I love them. Aldous, I'm worried about you.

Aaron Are you Paul Krugman?

Paul Yeah.

Aaron My dad loves your shit.

Paul Thank you.

Aaron Hey, you're doing great, man! You're doing great. So good.

Aldous I don't know the lyrics to African Child.

Aaron You're funny as shit, man.

Aldous I need you to get the lyrics. I'm serious. I don't know the lyrics. I can't remember what the lyrics are.

Aaron They're, like, the most simplest lyrics ever.

Aldous Are they, mate? What are they?

Aaron Yeah... Across the mystic desert Is a desert that is mystic.

Aldous No! That's not the lyrics.

Aaron I don't know.

Studio hand Thirty seconds. Thirty seconds.

Aaron I will figure this out.

Aldous Don't worry. You started this.

Meredith I am here with Aldous Snow of Infant Sorrow. I understand that African Child was commercially disappointing.

Aaron Who knows the lyrics to African Child? Who knows the lyrics to...

Meredith ...artistically fulfilling. Yeah, but it was also critically disappointing.

Aaron Yes. Hey, man. What's up? Do you know the lyrics to African Child?

Band member I don't know the lyrics. I just pound the drum and do the Africa face.

Aaron I need the lyrics to African Child! I need the lyrics to African Child! I guess I'm gonna. Okay, he's gonna sing.

Meredith It is a wonderful day here in New York City. We are seconds away from Aldous Snow performing live out in Rockefeller Plaza.

Aaron I can't... Sorry, Meredith! Oh, boy.

Meredith And now, Aldous.

Aldous Thank you. I'm Aldous Snow. And this is African Child. Oh, fuck. Take three. Can you hit the delay? Oh, shit. I'm sorry. I want to... Do you remember The Clap? Play The Clap. One, two, three, four! We got the clap. You got the clap. We cooked the rocks. You took the smack. Ah, yeah. We love you! We got the itch. You got the scratch. Burns, burns, burns. Like the head of a match. You took the front, I took the back. Ah, yeah. We got the clap. We got it.

Audience girl I got the clap, ah!

[''Aldous holds mike to her'']

Security man I got the clap, too!

[''Aldous holds mike to him'']

Aaron I'm so shitfaced.

[''Aldous holds mike to him'']

Meredith What's going on?! My gosh!

Aldous We got the clap! You got the clap! Wiped my face on the welcome mat! We got the clap! Can't be beat! Got it off the back of a toilet seat! Shake your hips! Mind your feet! We got the clap! We got it!

Meredith Oh, no. Tell the West Coast, ]. Ready, one, take.

[[w:Censorship|they gotta trim the balls]

Aldous We got the clap, can't be beat! We got the clap! We're gonna be performing at the Greek Theatre in two days! See you there!

Aaron Aldous! Aldous! Pandemonium! Oh, man! That was awesome! So cool! I enjoyed that!

Aldous I couldn't have done it without you, do you know what I mean?

Aaron The Clap! Great idea! You rocked that shit! It was amazing! It was crazy, man! That is so fucking crazy! Oh, man!

Aldous ] is beautiful.

[[w:Central Park|Central Park]

Aaron Are you sure you should do that, man?! We're on our way to the airport!

Aldous Let's go jogging! Come on, join in with me.

Aaron No, I don't... this... you know...

Aldous Please! For us, our friendship!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Get Him to the Greek

Unexpected Encounter with Past Relationships

Aldous Thank you. Thank you for that. I'll use it. I would grind that. I would ride the shit out of her. Don't take it. Who is it? Sergio?

[''Aaron's phone rings'']

Aaron Shit, it's Daphne.

Aldous Worse.

Aaron Hey, Daph.

Daphne Hey, sweetie.

Aaron What's up?

Daphne Listen, I'm just calling cause I wanted to apologize. I just slept for, like, 20 straight hours and I'm feeling really bad, and I just wanted to say I'm sorry about what happened. I was out of my mind.

Aaron Okay. Really?

Daphne Yeah. Thanks. So, I'd like to make it up to you when you get back from your trip.

Aaron Wait, what's up?

Daphne I would like to make it up to you.

Aaron Fun Daphne got us tickets to ]. Wait, what's up?

[[w:Radiohead|Radiohead]

Daphne Can you hear me?

Aaron I thought we broke up. You broke up with me, right?

Daphne Aaron, we live together. We have a home together. How could you think we were broken up?

Aaron Because that's what you said.

Daphne You really think that we're broken up right now? What have you been doing?

Aaron You know, you're so holier-than-thou about being a doctor. You know, just cause you're a doctor doesn't make you a good person. The ] have doctors, Daphne. ] that fixed Nazi legs so they could walk around being angry, okay? So... What are you talking about?

[[w:Nazism|Nazis; [w:List of Nazi doctors|They had Nazi doctors]

Aldous Aaron! Is it your girlfriend? Let me have a go. Aaron is very busy now. Press seven for fellatio. Here you go. Don't hang about.

Aaron Hey, that was Aldous.

Aldous You know, here's some medical advice from your Nazi doctor. ] is incurable. I labored under the myth of monogamy for seven years with Jackie and it was pointless.

[[w:Herpes|Herpes]

Aaron So you only slept with Jackie?

Aldous No, I slept with other people but I always told her about it. Monogamy. I realize now my dad was just a realist. I used to be angry... All right, love. I used to be angry cause he abandoned me, but really, he was just being a realist. You can't remain in that situation.

Aaron Your dad lives in, in ], right?

[[w:Las Vegas|Vegas]

Aldous Mmm-hmm. That's right, yeah. He lives there, yeah.

Aaron You should invite him... Your dad should... Nice. You should invite him to the show. You want me to get on that?

Aldous I don't know if we really have that type of relationship, you know, me and my dad. He always wants something from me. It's a bad idea.

Aaron Well, I'm sure he'd love to come see you perform.

Aldous Let's put it this way. If I had a concert, my dad would come. He would come, like, five hours early and ask ] what town they were from, and if he knew anybody from their town.

[[w:Road crew|all the roadies]

Aaron He'd be proud.

Aldous He's good. He's a good man.

Aaron Yeah. Yeah. I hate to be a downer, but it's getting really late. We have a flight early in the morning. Do you mind if...

Aldous Yeah, yeah, right. Hey, Aaron! Have you ever drunk w:absinthe|absinthe, like from the 1900s?

Aaron No.

Aldous ] drank it. Oi! "Absinf-fuh"!

[[w:Pablo Picasso|Picasso; ''To bartender'']

Aaron All right, well, we'll take one shot and then we'll go back to the hotel?

Aldous Just a little sip of naughty water, and we go back to the hotel. Simple.

Sergio head hallucination Aaron! You lost control, motherfucker. Stampin on an African child!

Bespectacled bald man in BDSM gear Do you like it when I whip you, Aldous?

Aaron Why is ] whipping us?

[[w:Moby|Moby]

Sergio head hallucination Whee! Whee! Look, I'm eating my own head. I accept your apology.

Daphne I accept your apology. Hello?

Aaron He's the best. Hello? It's sort of like... I'm basically like his new producer or whatever. It's sort of like... I'm basically like his new producer or whatever. That is so amazing for you! Hello? Why are your boobs different sizes? Cause the left... I don't care either, Daphne. You live in Seattle, I'll fucking live in New York.

Aldous Look how beautiful you are. Do you see how beautiful you are, Jackie? I like being so close. You're so beautiful. Jackie Q, Jackie Q, I love you Jackie Q. Fucking hell. Jackie Q, Jackie Q at the barbeque.

Jackie You silly bastard.

Aldous I love you. Why don't we make a sex tape?

Jackie Cause I don't want to make a sex tape.

Aldous Yes. Fucking hell. Come on, it'll be fun!

Jackie Please, Aldous, come on. I will not call you.

Aldous Let me marry you.

Jackie Please, Aldous.

Aldous Jackie?

[''He calls her asleep in bed'']

Jackie Is that you, Aldous?

Aldous No, Aldous Snow has got better things to do first thing in the morning than call up an ex-girlfriend.

Jackie What are you doing? Where are you?

Aldous Just in our old flat, actually. In New York. You with anybody?

Jackie Some affable nitwit.

Aldous Where are you now, Jackie?

Jackie Los Angeles.

Aldous What are you doing?

Jackie Sleeping next to Lars Ulrich.

Aldous ]? From ]?

[[w:Lars Ulrich|Lars Ulrich; [w:Metallice|Metallica]

Jackie Yeah. Why.

Aldous What's Lars packing in the drumstick region?

Jackie I can't tell you that right now. He's sleeping right next to me. What are you so interested in Lars for, Aldous? You jealous? I miss you, Aldy.

Aldous I miss you. I miss you.

Jackie I miss you.

Aldous Listen, why don't you be a good girl and put the phone down next to your vagina, cause I need to talk to her. Hello? Is that Jackie's vagina?

Jackie Hello, Aldous.

Aldous All right. How are you? I've missed you.

Jackie I'm very well, thank you. I've just come back from Brazil.

Aldous What's the weather like?

Jackie It's quite wet down there, actually.

Aldous Fuck off.

Jackie I really miss your cock, Aldous.

Aldous I'm gonna come and see you, Jackie.

Jackie I don't think you should, but I do, I really miss you, Aldous.

Aldous I'm stuck here with a hard-on. I don't know what to do with it.

Lars Hey, babe. Who's on the horn?

Jackie It's Mum. She's just calling up from London.

Lars Let me take care of this. Oi, Aldous. It's Lars.

Aldous I'm ashamed that you're with a drummer, Jackie. "I'd always dreamed that you would marry a front man. With charisma. Razzmatazz. Rough around the edges, but with stars in his eyes, you know.

Lars Jackie, your mom kind of sounds like a Monty Python skit.

Jackie Give me the phone back.

Lars Okay. Okay, okay, sorry.

Jackie Darling, I've gotta go, all right?

Aldous I'll see you later. I'm coming to see you. Don't say anything else, all right? I gotta go. Bye.

Aldous Get up. I can't be here anymore now.

[''To Aaron'']

Aaron Huh?

Aaron I can't believe we're actually on time for a flight.

Aldous Hey, can you pull over, mate?

[''To chauffeur'']

Aaron Actually, we, we have a flight to catch.

Aldous Yeah, no, just pull over here off ]. I want to get a pretzel.

[[w:Bushwick, Brooklyn|Linden; ''Aldous mingles with shady-looking men who hand him a rubber-wrapped ball'']

Aaron Dude really wants a pretzel. He's not getting ] is he?

[[w:Pretzel|a pretzel]

Limo chauffeur ].

[[w:Heroin|Not the kind you put mustard on; ''Aldous comes back and gets in limo'']

Aldous Go, please.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Get Him to the Greek

Adrenaline and Exhaustion in Late Night Conversation

Aaron Aldous? Aldous. Aldous, I can't sleep.

Aldous The adrenaline'll wear off soon, Aaron. Just be patient. Go back to sleep.

Aaron I can't sleep, man. This adrenaline is just... It's like coursing through my whole body!

Aldous Aaron, don't be selfish. I'm really tired. I've had a really difficult few days. Been under a lot of pressure. Just let me relax.

Aaron No! No!

Aldous Aaron, you're being strange.

Aaron No!

Aldous Aaron, don't be selfish. I'm sleeping.

Aaron No! You've kept me up for three days, you got me all Jeffreyed up, and you stabbed me in the arm with an adrenaline needle! You're staying up and talking to me!

Aldous I gave you that adrenaline for your own good. Your life was in jeopardy. I'm like a guardian angel.

Aaron Your dad. Your dad, man. That sucks. That was crazy, man.

Aldous He's all right. He's just trying to live his life, isn't he?

Aaron He's not all right. He uses you. You let people use you. Sooner or later you're gonna be all used up!

Aldous Yeah, a lot of the time when people are on drugs, they come up with sentimental rubbish. But this is brilliant.

Aaron Ha, ha. I know you're making fun of me, but I don't care.

Aldous No, you've made me happy. Just let me sleep now.

Aaron You know what I'm gonna do when I get home? No, this is good. I'm gonna get on my hands and knees, and I'm gonna beg Daphne to take me back. It's gonna be shameful. But that's what you should do. Because Jackie is your Daphne!

Aldous I think it's a bit more complicated than that, mate.

Aaron No. Underneath that hair is a brain and a heart just like mine.

Aldous No, I think your brain is full of lollipops and rainbows and cheese and wonder. Mine's slightly darker. Aaron, you seem very tense. Stop it. Aaron! You're growling. I don't like your spasm. You're being strange. Stop it. Stop it. Sorry. Sorry.

[''Aaron has tightly shut eyes and with cheeks quivering''; ''Aaron has opened eyes very glazed and unfocused''; ''Aaron is slamming himself back and forth in seat''; ''To driver'']

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Get Him to the Greek

Aldous Snow Reflects on Past Encounter

Aldous Snow Didn't I have sex with her once? Yeah, yeah I did.

[after Aldous sees Sarah Marshall on TV; Pauses and leans towards the television screen]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Get Him to the Greek

Miscommunication and Regret Among Friends

Sergio Aaron! This is Sergio! Where the fuck are you guys? And why the fuck aren't you answering your phone? I'm answering my phone, and I just got hit by a motherfucking car!

Aaron Hi. Before you say anything just let me talk, okay? You were right. We broke off our relationship without really thinking about it. And I've learned over the past few days that life is mainly filled with superficial surface encounters. And I realize now how wonderful it is, what we have. I'm begging you to take me back. I'm sorry.

Daphne Did you hook up with anyone while you were gone?

Aaron You mean surface encounters?

Daphne What is he doing here?

Aaron What the fuck is he doing here? I'll get rid of him, all right?

Daphne Did you invite him?

Aaron Hey, man. What are you doing here?

[''Opens door and lets Aldous in'']

Aldous Just went and saw Jackie. She's marrying Lars Ulrich now, and Naples ain't really my son. I remember thinking, "What bad advice." Thank you, Aaron. So, this is what you live in. You're Daphne then? Dr. Daphne? You know, when you hear about someone and then you meet them? That's happening now. I've walked in the middle of a romantic reconciliation?

Daphne No. No, no, no. Definitely not.

[''Aldous walks over to a couch and sits really comfortably'']

Aldous Why is it so tense? Is it because he had sex with other people when he was working with me?

Aaron I think that's something we should... We're gonna discuss privately.

Daphne Yes. I would like to talk about it. I am upset. I am pissed.

[''She sits in a chair in front of Aldous really formally'']

Aldous Why are you so cross, Daphne?

Daphne Because he broke my trust. We were barely broken up for a day and he went and cheated on me.

Aaron I didn't enjoy it, okay?

[''He sits in a chair also formally'']

Aldous What I think, Daph, is that human beings by their nature are ]. It's against nature to be with one person. It never works.

[[w:polygamy|polygamous]

Daphne Yeah. Or you think it's working, and then it turns out he's cheating on you with a bunch of hos and skanks.

[''Aldous pointing at Aaron twice'']

Aaron I personally think that monogamy can work given the right circumstance.

Aldous Aaron, why have you chosen to put yourself in this ideological prison? You don't need these unnecessary restrictions. Unless you get rid of them, you just can't progress.

Daphne What kind of sexual restrictions? Cause in nature, there's everything from polygamy to, like, a threesome. What...

Aldous Threesome. Well, I mean, a threesome is something that's possible right now. You know, the three of us could have a threesome. Hypothetically. We've got the utensils. There's three of us.

Aaron Okay, that's funny. Yeah, we're gonna do a threesome. Let's just get naked and start fucking right here.

Daphne We should do it. We should have a threesome.

Aaron Wait, what? I don't... What?

Daphne Come on. Let's have a threesome.

Aaron No, thanks. I don't... I'm all right, thank you.

Daphne So you get to mess around on the road, and because I'm a woman, I don't get to have any fun? You had your turn. It's my turn now. I would like to have a threesome, please.

Aldous Don't think of it as a threesome. Think of it as having sex with your girlfriend while someone else also has sex with your girlfriend.

Daphne I think it'd be fun. We should do a threesome.

Aaron What are you doing?

Aldous We are pre-negotiating a threesome.

Daphne Pre-negotiated. And agreed upon. I'm fucking psyched!

Aldous So, Aaron, Daphne, shall we play doctor?

Aaron I'm not sucking his dick, that's like 100%.

Aldous ] and watching Aaron and Daphne on bed standing with plate of Just relax. Just relax and listen to ]. That's good. Aaron, look at her. Aaron, look at Daphne.

[''Starts playing [[w:ipod|ipod playlist; [w:strawberries|strawberries; [w:Mariah Carey|Mariah; ''Daphne leans in to kiss Aaron'']

Aaron Put those strawberries down. They're not for you.

Aldous Come on, mate, don't be tight. We share everything now.

Daphne Okay, I'm gonna kiss Aldous now, okay? Yeah. Yeah. Is that okay?

Aaron Yeah, it's totally cool. Okay. Great.

Daphne Oh, my God! Oh, fuck! Oh, my God!

[''Aldous is performing cunilingus'']

Aldous Daphne?

[''He's on top of her in bed and Aaron is bathroom watching'']

Daphne Yeah?

Aldous Are you ready?

Daphne Yeah, I'm ready.

Aldous You sure you want to do this?

Daphne Okay, I'm gonna kiss Aldous now, okay? Yeah. Yeah. Is that okay?

Aaron Fuck!

[''Aaron walks over, grabs Aldous and kisses him passionately'']

Aldous What are you doing? What are you doing? Aaron, no. What? What are you doing? I'm just having a threesome! I'm just having fun! Come on!

Aaron Enough with these rules and restrictions, right? Come on!

[''Aaron grabs Aldous' genitals'']

Aldous Unleash that! This is the emperor! Release him!

Daphne Aaron, don't do that!

Aldous You need to look at yourselves. Honestly, this isn't how people live.

Aaron What the fuck are we doing?

Daphne I don't know. What are we doing? I don't want to do this.

Aaron I don't want this, either. Like, at all.

Daphne I am so sorry, Aaron. How did this happen?

Aaron You kind of insisted, but whatever. Wow. That was insane. What was I thinking?

Aldous I think I've misjudged the dynamic. You've been wonderful hosts. Particularly you.

Daphne Oh, God, I'm on call. Jesus Christ.

[''Checks cellphone''; ''She gets up and leaves'']

Aaron Nothing you say makes any sense! Okay? I understand that now. You're just a fucking junkie.

Aldous And you're smart, so you make your insanity sound good, but it's bullshit. This is it, Aaron. This is rock and roll. Did you enjoy the party?

Aaron You're sick in the fucking head! You messed your own life up and now you have to mess up mine, too? We're done here? Get out of my apartment.

Aldous Thanks for the hospitality.

Daphne Bye.

[''All dressed in [[w:Scrubs (clothing)|hospital scrubs]

Aaron Where are my boxers?

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Get Him to the Greek

Unexpected Travel Instructions at Security Checkpoint

TSA agent Next in line! You two traveling together? Okay. You mind coming in back for a quick exam? Just come this way, please. Thank you.

Aldous I need you to put this into your bottom hole.

[''Produces a red wrappered ball from his mouth and drops it into hand'']

Aaron What?

Aldous Put this into your rectum.

Aaron Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What the fuck, man? What are you doing? We're in the middle of the airport!

Aldous It's a necessary part of your job, Aaron. Don't be complicated.

Aaron I won't do it. I won't do it. No.

Aldous Put it in! Relax your anus. Stop! Just stop! Aaron! If you don't do it, I ain't gonna do the concert. I'll just get on a plane and go back to London. The only logical thing to do in this situation is to put this deep in your asshole.

TSA agent Please keep the line moving, sir.

Aaron My phone is ringing.

[''Holds up phone'']

Aldous Your phone is not ringing.

Aaron It's Sergio.

Aldous It's not Sergio. There's no one there! Aaron, stop pretending to talk to Sergio! Right, mate. Hello!

Sergio Hey! The couch is not for jumping! Aaron, my superstar. Great news. The concert sold out in 10 fucking minutes.

[''Answers while at the fridge of his house kitchen and immediately shouts to sons jumping on couch in family room''; ''To Aaron'']

Aaron Hey, so I'm having a possible health issue with the talent.

Sergio What kind of health issue? ], are they? No. Babe! I don't see no string cheese! All I see is ] and ]!

[[w:Drug overdose|His eyes ain't rolling to the back of his head; ''To wife''; [w:Babybel|Babybels; [w:Chocolate pudding|chocolate pudding]

Sergio's wife Baby, look in the dairy drawer! Next to the Go-Gurts.

Sergio I don't see no ]! You need to put these shits where I can see them.

[[w:Go-Gurt|Go-Gurts]

Aaron He wants me to put drugs up my ass. And I don't know what to do.

Sergio Then you put the drugs up your ass.

Aaron Please don't make me do that.

Sergio This is the opportunity that you've been waiting for. You are now in the power position. You hold all the power in your ass.

Aaron Isn't that enabling him?

Sergio Yes, that's what we do. It's only a little bit of heroin in your ass. Nobody's gonna die. You know what you signed up for. ], it's Biggest Loser time, it's Daddy's favorite show It's Daddy's favorite show.

[''Hangs up and walks over to sons in family room''; [w:The Biggest Loser|It's Biggest Loser time]

Aaron Just give it.

Aldous Aaron! Come on, mate, we ain't got all day. It's not recreational! It's not meant to be a hobby! Just get it up! Close the door behind you! Hurry up!

Aaron Why did you do this to me?

Aldous Out of love.

Aaron Are you sure you should be doing this stuff?

Aldous Have you got an anti-drug message that you're gonna convey now?

Aaron I just feel like it couldn't hurt to not be on heroin.

Aldous Couldn't it? You know, I used to be sober. When I was sober, I was worried about, "Is this the twilight of my career? Is the mother of my child a cruel, evil, brilliant, savant, idiot genius?" You know, "Am I bringing up my kid the right way?" Now, I'm just worried about drugs.

Aaron IYour life's to-do list must be a baffling document.

Aldous You're worried about so many things, Aaron. You're worried about will we get to the show? Will I perform well? Will you get the credit that you deserve? Mine has on it but one word. Do you know what that word is?

Aaron Oh, no. I have to sneeze.

Aldous What?

Aaron I have to sneeze. But I'm terrified that my bowels will evacuate if I do.

Aldous If you sneeze, it is very important that you clench at the same time. Aaron.

Aaron I'm gonna sneeze. I'm gonna clench and sneeze.

Aldous Listen to me.

Aaron Dude, I'm gonna clench and sneeze.

Aldous Don't close your eyes. It's impossible to sneeze if your eyes are open. Open your eyes. You're being selfish.

Aaron I'm gonna clench and sneeze.

Aldous Is it still in?

Aaron I think I broke a rib.

Aaron Hello, to you.

Check-in agent Hi.

Aldous I'm just checking if flight 51 is on time.

Check-in agent Let's see.

Aldous Hello, gorgeous. That flight to Vegas left yet?

Check-in agent Not yet.

Aldous Well, stick us on that then, please.

Check-in agent Two first-class tickets?

Aaron No.

Aldous Yeah. Yeah, switch us onto the Vegas flight, me and him.

Check-in agent All right.

Aaron No.

Aldous I want to visit my dad.

Aaron It was your idea. That's not what I meant. I meant after the show to see your dad.

Aldous You didn't specify. He didn't specify.

Aaron Yeah, well, I... You know, I did that special favor for you earlier. So, maybe you could return that favor and we could just go to LA.

Aldous What favor?

Aaron You know. The favor that I did earlier.

Aldous My mind's a blank. Oh! He means the heroin.

Aaron Nope.

Aldous His bum's all full of heroin. He doesn't mean that.

Aaron No, no, no.

Aldous I'm a terrible drug addict. ]!

[[w:Mule (smuggling)|Mule]

Aaron No.

Aldous He's a mule!

Aaron No.

Aldous You're the devil.

Check-in agent Perfect.

Aldous All right, I want my package now.

Aaron I'm not gonna give you the drugs until we're in Los Angeles, post-show.

Aldous Just to clarify, are you saying you're withholding my narcotics?

Aaron You made a huge tactical error and now I'm in control.

Aldous Okay.

Aldous Are you ticklish?

Aaron Okay, stop. Okay, stop.

Aldous Give me the package.

Aaron Seriously stop! Seriously stop! Seriously stop! Seriously stop! Seriously.

Aldous I'll smoke you out.

Aaron Seriously, seriously stop! What are you doing? Stop! No! No! Let go! You're crazy! No! No! No!

Aldous Open up.

Aaron No!

Aldous Good girl. Wasn't painful, was it?

Aaron No.

Aldous In future, if you find yourself in a situation... What are you doing? Get the fuck... You little wanker. I just need you to go and score for me, Aaron.

[''Aaron grabs the package ball, rips it open and stomps the contents around on floor'']

Aaron We're in Vegas. I don't know peeps out here, you know?

Aldous It's not a fucking game, Aaron! Don't put yourself between me and my problem or I'll fucking destroy you! Go on now! Why are you still here?! Why are you still here?!

Aaron Just calm... Just calm down.

Aldous It's not a joke! It's not funny! Spilling my narcotics, fucking me around! I need you to sort me out! You spilled my medicine! You need to remedy it! This is calm. Twenty minutes ago, I was even more calm when I had my fingers in your asshole. You don't want to wait around for another half-hour, son, cause I'll be fucking you up.

Aaron I'll figure it out.

Aldous Yeah, you will. Yeah.

Brian Hi. Can I help you?

Aaron Yes. I am trying to look up a friend of mine who's staying at the hotel. I don't know what room he's in.

Brian Okay. What's the last name?

Aaron It's spelled H...

Brian Okay.

Aaron ...E- R-O-l-N.

Aaron Can you find that guest for me? Can you find that guest for me?

Brian Okay, I see what you're doing. I don't think it's funny, to be honest with you. I mean, you come here, you ask me for, if somebody named Heroin has checked in the fucking hotel, cause you wanna buy drugs and that's how you do it? You pretend that it's the last name of a fucking guest? Are you out of your mind?

Aaron I don't know. I just, just, just... I just... I'm looking for my friend Heroin. Do you know him?

Brian Yeah, I do. He'll be out back of the Spice Market Buffet in 20 minutes.

Aaron I feel like I'm in ].

[[2 Fast 2 Furious]

Roommate Yo, Brian, give me my money or I'm gonna stab you in the fucking stomach, all right?

[''Holds up knife'']

Brian Get out of my room, dude. What are you gonna do?

Aaron What... I'm not, like, involved in this.

Brian Oh, my God!

Aaron Where is the hospital?!

Brian You take a right on North Casino Way!

Aaron Every street's called Casino Way!

Brian God, why didn't he take me all the way to the door?

Jackie One, two, three, four. It's just like coming in the back door. Five, six, seven, eight. Feels great. A ring, a ring around ]. My rear pocket is so fit and so damn cozy. Ring, ring, ring around my posie. All the boys in town say I've the tautest of posies.

[[w:Human anus|my dirty posie]

Aaron Aldous. I couldn't get what you wanted me to get. Sorry.

Aldous Yeah, I forgot I asked you to do that. No, that's all sorted. Turns out, it's quite easy to get drugs in Las Vegas. Why do you look so flustered? All right, just change and we'll get going, shall we? Looking forward to seeing me dad.

Aaron Thanks again for the suggestion.

Aldous Great.

Jackie By posie, I'm talking about my asshole. Jackie Q!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Get Him to the Greek

Late Arrival at a Jay-Z Party

Aaron What's up? How's it going?

[''To Matty approaching his desk'']

Matty What's up, man? I went to that Jay-Z listening party last night.

Aaron Was it crazy? Was it insane? Was the album incredible?

Matty I don't know. I got there late. But there was this sweet after-after-party back at Jay-Z's house. It was insane. ].

[[w:Nyotaimori|I ate cheese off some girl's titties]

Aaron Just lie to me and tell me it wasn't the best night of all time.

Kevin Yeah, it was, man. That party was dope.

Matty Yeah. Dude, I used Jay-Z's ].

[[w:bidet|bidet]

Kevin Yeah. We went into their bathroom. Jay-Z and Beyoncé have these two bidets right next to each other, so they can sit there and hold hands while they get their bungus's cleaned out.

Matty Jigga Man's bidet.

Kevin Did you hear? Killtown Records just fired 80% of their employees.

Matty So what? I'm safe.

Jazz producer I'm safe. I'm in the jazz game.

Aaron Sergio doesn't even know your name.

Jazz producer Good. I'm like background noise. Just like jazz. Let me put it like this, little boys, replaceable, replaceable, replaceable, jazz...

[''points to Kevin''; ''points to Matty''; ''points to Aaron''; ''gestures to himself with flair'']

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Get Him to the Greek

Aldous Snow's Concert Announcement Plan

Song lyrics Inside you are the stars unfurled. I've crossed me heart and I've crossed the world. And I need you here. And I need to be inside you. Inside you Inside you. There's got to be some part of me inside you.

Sergio Aldous Snow wants to do the show. He's interested and available.

Aaron Really?

Sergio I want you to go to ] and pick him up. Then I want you to take him to ] to ] to make the announcement about the concert. Then bring him back here for the show at the Greek.

[[w:London|London; [w:New York City|New York; [w:Today (American TV program)|the Today Show]

Aaron Are you... Are you serious?

Sergio Don't smile like that. It makes you look like an 8-year-old boy who just discovered ].

[[w:Erection|his first boner]

Aaron I don't have one, so...

Sergio This is your fucking moment! You only get one moment in life. It's not hiding in some cubicle, answering some fucking phone. Can you handle it?

Aaron Yeah. I can handle the moment.

Sergio An artist is the slipperiest, most conniving motherfucker on the face of the earth. That's why you have to watch your tushie while, at the same time, you make them feel like a star. ]. You've been mind-fucked before?

[[w:Classical conditioning|It's called mind fucking]

Aaron I don't think so.

Sergio I'm mind-fucking you right now.

Aaron You are?

Sergio Can't you feel ] fucking your mind?

[[w:human penis|my dick]

Aaron No, I can't really feel anything.

Sergio See? That's it. That's the art of it. I'm mind-fucking the shit out of you.

Aaron Well I hope you're wearing ] cause I have ]. That was a joke.

[[w:condom|a condom; [w:Sexually transmitted infection|a dirty mind]

Sergio This is no time to joke. Mind fucking is not no joke. You have to mind fuck Aldous Snow. He's a drug addict, Aaron. You have to show him balance. People want to see him fucked up, but they don't want to see him too fucked up. If this is fucked up and this is sober, right here, that's the perfect balance right there. Not here. Right here. Okay. Do you like his music?

Aaron I love his music. Except for African Child. That album sucked.

Sergio No. No. No. You love African Child. Your mother loves African Child. It's your girlfriend's favorite album. You love African Child. You bought 10 copies on the first day.

Aaron Okay. Yeah, I love African Child. So lie to him.

Sergio No. We don't lie to people. We don't do that. We just believe in valid truths.

Aaron Okay. Do you like African Child?

Sergio Hell, fucking no. It was the most racist, condescending shit ever made. What the fuck you calling me? A house nigger? Do I look like African Child?

Aaron I don't... No.

Sergio You just called me a fucking house nigger.

Aaron No. I don't think you're a house N-word. No. I wasn't...

Sergio No, I don't like fucking African Child. But if he asks me if I like African Child, I love that shit! I play that shit in my fucking sleep. I wake up to it and I brush my teeth to it. I love African Child.

Aaron Okay. I got it.

Sergio But, no, I don't love African Child. Don't ever ask me that fucking question again.

Aaron Okay. I understand.

Sergio From the minute you touch down in London, you have 72 hours to get Aldous Snow to the Greek Theatre in Los Angeles. Do you understand me?

Aaron Yes. Definitely.

Sergio Your job is to control your artist. If he's too messed up you hit him with ].

[[w:Epinephrine autoinjector|this adrenaline needle]

Aaron You mean like from ]?

[[Pulp Fiction]

Sergio Your flight leaves in three hours from ]. Please, do a good job.

[[w:Los Angeles International Airport|LAX]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Get Him to the Greek

A Casual Greeting Among Friends

Aaron Where is she?

Colleague Right there.

Aaron Hey.

Daphne Hi, sweetie.

Aaron I have amazing news. Let's go get some coffee.

Daphne I think I was asleep.

Aaron Go back to sleep. I'll carry you to coffee, okay?

[''Waves hand over her face to make eyes shut'']

Daphne You're funny.

[''She smiles and laughs'']

Aaron You're funny.

Daphne You're funny.

Aaron Sergio was just so awesome. He was like, "You got one moment, and here's your moment." And it was like ]. You know? And he's letting me do this! I mean, I get to spend one-on-one time with Aldous Snow. Aldous Snow! I mean, how awesome is that?

[[w:8 Mile|8 Mile]

Daphne Wow, that's awesome.

Aaron I feel like I have all these ideas for his sound specifically. You know, I could help resurrect the guy's career.

Daphne You know? I mean, it's incredible. It's, like, my dream. I have some kind of big news, too. I got offered a residency, a place in a residency program, at East Seattle General. So, if I rank it first, then I can get matched there, which is pretty good.

Aaron Like ], Seattle?

[[w:Seattle|Seattle]

Daphne Yeah. It's really, really nice there. And it's a bigger staff, so they have better call schedules, so we could actually spend some time together. It's so nice! I'm sorry.

Aaron You want to... You want to... You want to move to Seattle?

Daphne Well, yeah. To work in the hospital. To work in the hospital there, yeah.

Aaron What am I gonna do in Seattle?

Daphne Oh, my God, there's tons of music stuff in Seattle. ]! Nirvana came from Seattle.

[[w:Nirvana (band)|Nirvana]

Aaron Can you not see how it's a little alarming that you've just decided that I'm moving to Seattle? Do you have an extra scalpel? Do you want to cut my balls off and put them in your pocket so you don't just metaphorically own them, you can physically hold them in your pocket? I mean, I feel like ] right now. Like my dreams don't count.

[[w:1950's|a '50s housewife]

Aaron You're like ]. You're abusing me right now.

[[w:Joe Jackson (talent manager)|Michael Jackson's dad]

Daphne Okay. You know what? We should just... We're gonna table this. We're gonna table it because I can't... Guess what. Just on a side note, I had an idea today.

Aaron You're moving to Africa.

Daphne Listen. You know how hard I've been working for this. You know I am killing myself in ]. This hospital will be beautiful in Seattle, and it will be good for us. That's all I'm saying. I'm not trying to be hurtful. I'm just saying that I think it will be good for us, so we're moving to Seattle!

[[w:Internship (medicine)|this internship]

Aaron I don't want to move to Seattle...

Daphne We're moving! We're moving to Seattle.

Aaron No. We're not moving to Seattle.

Daphne Great. So maybe we should just take some time.

Aaron Are you ] or something?

[[w:menstruation|having your period]

Daphne I'm sorry, what?

Aaron Are you on your period or something?

Daphne Are you fucking kidding me?

Get Him to the Greek

Aldous Snow's Enthusiasm for Celebration

Aldous Snow It's better than Christmas!

[Jiggling a hooker's breasts]

Get Him to the Greek

Critique of an Artist's Controversial Album

Aldous When Frank Sinatra moves his arm, you can see my dad. There. There!

[''Jonathan is playing a guitar as monotonously as ever'']

Jonathan What about... What was that fucking album you brought out last? It was... What was it? African something or Zambezi, or what was it?

Aldous African Child.

Jonathan Child. Child. Yeah, yeah, African Child. You should have stayed away from that one, I think. I think you should've aborted that child, eh? You got that? You know, mate?

Wife I loved it.

Jonathan She loved it, yeah. Yeah. She really did. No, she told me that she loved it.

Wife Yeah? I loved it. So enlightening.

Jonathan We didn't order these.

[''Waitress has arrived with a tray of drinks'']

Waitress These drinks are on the house.

Jonathan Oh, really? Great. Thank you very much. Funny, isn't it? You get rich and then everything comes free.

Aldous Yeah.

Jonathan So what brings you to Vegas?

Aaron Aldous wanted to visit you.

Aldous No. No, we were just passing through. We were near.

Jonathan Really?

Aldous Actually, I've got a show at the Greek Theatre in LA.

Jonathan Terrific! Terrific! Great!

Aaron It's tomorrow, actually.

Jonathan Really? Terrific!

Wife We should go see that.

Jonathan Well, I'm not sure I... No, I think I'm busy tomorrow night. I'm busy tomorrow.

Aldous Don't worry about it. It's not set in stone or...

Aaron It's actually very set in stone.

Jonathan No, some of us have to work for a living, right? You know.

Aldous Yeah, cause I remember I became a rock star as a result of winning a quiz show.

Aldous What?

Jonathan All right, all right. I'll check the schedule.

Aldous Dad! I like it here.

Jonathan Cheers, son. Yeah, I like to come here and clear my head. You remember that first strip club I brought you to?

Aldous I do. Fondly. Very fondly.

Jonathan So listen, what are you going to open with at the Greek?

Aldous Love Explodes.

Jonathan Really? I think you should open with Going Up. I love that fucking song. It's fucking genius. You know, it's a great thing to open with.

Aldous I mean, getting them up, getting them, fuck, right there in the fucking palm of your hand right away. Going Up.

Sergio You missed sound check, bitch! You know how much that's gonna cost us?

[''On the phone with Aaron while driving'']

Aaron I apologize. Look, things got out of control.

Sergio But, hey, we're at The Standard now, so it's all fine, because we're all settled in and we're here. Guess what. I'm downstairs in the lobby. Why don't you come on down?

Aaron You know what? Actually, Aldous just went to sleep. So I just think it'd be better if he just, like, got some rest. April Fools.

[''Sergio appears behind him looking very annoyed'']

Sergio I don't want to hear that shit. You fucked up.

Aaron He doesn't do anything you want him to do! He's a crazy person!

Sergio Okay, shut the fuck up and listen. There's a change of plans. I hope you got a good night's sleep. We going to party these pussy limey motherfuckers into the ground. They gonna be dying to leave Vegas. But we gonna have to mind fuck them. A deep mind fuck.

Aldous Sergio!

[''Calls across the strip club'']

Sergio Aldous, hey! Have a drink with us!

Jonathan Come join us!

Aldous Whoo! Vegas!

Sergio What's up, baby?

Aldous and Jonathan Vegas! Vegas! Vegas! Join in!

Sergio Let's get our mind fuck on.

[''To Aaron'']

Sergio Now, the Rat Pack was the shit! Yes, those guys right there could croon! Whenever I would hear Frank or Dean or Sammy sing, shit would just warm my heart! You know, it just makes me fucking tingle!

Jonathan It's nice, isn't it?

Aldous Yeah, I feel that. I feel that, Sergio. Sometimes I think that I was Frank Sinatra in a past life, even though I was born before he died.

Sergio No, I'm Frank Sinatra.

Jonathan What? No. You? No. No. No, no, no. Sorry, mate. You can't be Frank! Can't be Frank. No.

Aldous Yeah. I'm Frank.

Sergio What you trying to say? I gotta be Sammy?

Aldous Yeah.

Sergio Why I gotta be Sammy? Cause I'm black, I gotta be Sammy Davis?

Jonathan Well, you know... I look more like Frank than I do look like Sammy!

Aaron Hey, so it looks like you got everything under control, so I might call it an evening.

Sergio Sit your ass... Has he been acting like a bitch this whole time?

Aldous Yes, he has. Yeah, he's been a right little bitch.

Sergio What are you doing? You are representing Pinnacle. Excuse me. Come here for a second. What's your name?

[''Grabs an attractive stripper'']

Destiny Destiny.

Sergio Destiny, this is Aaron. He's my personal attendant. He runs shit for me.

Destiny Nice to meet you. Aaron.

[''She shakes his hand'']

Sergio Destiny. Destiny, pay attention. You are gonna go and have sex with Aaron. Right now.

Aaron That's disrespectful.

Sergio Aaron, ].

[[w:Word play|go with your destiny]

Destiny That's my name, Destiny. And you're using it two ways.

[''Laughing'']

Destiny I'm actually in a band. My life is music. I'm in an all-girl cover band and we do the Pussycat Girl's songs. And we're called the Pussy Kittens. Can you hook me up with Aldous?

Aaron Sure.

Destiny Cool.

Aaron Okay, what are you doing? What? Don't do that.

Destiny I feel like I want to show you something.

Aaron I feel like I don't want to see it, though. All right! Hey! So that's your vagina. Right on.

Destiny No, but look at it! Look at the hair. Look at the pubic hair! It's... Yeah, it's a microphone. For my work. Hello. Testing, one, two, three! Is this thing on? Hello?

Aaron Hey, so put that away, all right?

Destiny Do you want to sing hair-aoke?

Aaron I'm okay. I'm all right. Oh, my God.

Destiny I think you're really sexy because you look like Dennis Quaid.

Aaron What? Really? Randy Quaid, maybe.

Destiny Pants off!

Aaron No!

Destiny Off with the pants. Honestly... Pants-off party!

Aaron You're acting crazy! Stop. No!

Destiny Hello.

Aaron All right. Fun and games are over. Let's relax for a second. Let's just, let's just... ] from her purse] You carry that around with you?

[''Destiny produces a [[w:dildo|dildo]

Aaron Stop! When's the last time you ] that thing?

[[w:Purell|Purell-d]

Destiny Kiss it. You like it.

Aaron I want to go home!

Destiny This is going inside of you!

Aaron No! Get off of me! What are you doing? Oh, my God! Why does this keep happening to me?

Destiny Just relax.

Aaron No!

Destiny Take your medicine. Yes, yes.

Aaron Why does it have balls?

Jonathan That was really nice. No, it's really nice, you know, playing together like that.

Aldous Yeah.

Jonathan We should do it more often.

Aldous We should, Dad.

Jonathan Yeah, you know, there's a ballroom space opening up at the Golden Nugget. I know the owner a bit, you know? I could hook you up with a permanent gig there. We ]. Well, they're all doing it, you know. ]. ]. ].

[[w:Revenue|could make loads of dough; [w:Cher|Cher; [w:Celine Dion|Celine Dion; [w:Elton John|Elton John]

Aldous If you want money from me, Dad, just ask.

Jonathan I don't want your fucking money, do I? I just want to help your fucking career, don't I?

Aldous My career don't need help. Really?

Jonathan Your last record, you know how many it sold? Don't need help? You sure fucking do.

Aldous So you know the precise sales figures for me last album. When was me birthday? Surprise me. Now, look, look... When was me birthday?

Jonathan Aldy, Aldy, Aldy! You never would have made it without me.

Aldous I did make it without you. I made it in spite of you.

Jonathan You inherited all your musical talent from me! I wrote all your songs from the tip of my cock.

Aldous Right. That's it. So, like, I've been plagiarizing from your ball bag.

Jonathan Where does the DNA come... Where does your talent come from?

Aldous Here. Brilliant bit of biology, Dad. Yeah, I think that's what Darwin discovered on the Galapagos Isles. That music can be written in someone's spunk.

Jonathan I'm talking fucking facts.

Aaron I think I've just been raped.

Aldous What's that?

Aldous Raped? Here you go, mate. That'll take the edge off. Yeah, give him that. Make yourself useful.

[''Holds up a joint''; ''Hands joint to Jonathan'']

Jonathan Here you go.

[''Jonathan hands joint to Aaron'']

Aaron All right? What is this?

Aldous It's called a Jeffrey, Aaron. Bit of this, bit of that.

Jonathan Here. Have a look. Have a look at this. Aldous Snow wasn't always so pretty, was he, eh?

[''Shows a picture of Aldous as a youth'']

Aldous What are you showing him that for, Dad? Why do you carry that photograph?

Jonathan Remember when we used to box? You used to get in the ring, wheezing around. Do you remember?

Aaron Hey, what's in this? My heart's starting to beat really fast.

Aldous It's ] mostly. Sergio gave it to me. It's got a bit of ] in it. Some heroin. ]. ]. ]. ]. ]. ]. Some other stuff that's unidentifiable, and I think a little bit of ], actually, if I'm not mistaken. You know, ] for...

Jonathan Yeah. You know...

Aldous Keep it traditional. It's like ]. Oh, my God, look at his little boat. What a lovely little boat race. Yeah, let me get a shot of that. Hold it, hold it. Cheese! I'll never tire of looking at that git.

[[w:Neapolitan ice cream|a drug Neapolitan; ''Holds up phone''; ''Takes Aaron's picture'']

Aaron Why the fuck is it called a Jeffrey?

Aldous Cause who could be scared of a Jeffrey?

Jonathan Yeah, Jeffrey's just this nice bloke from down the road, isn't he?

Aaron What's wrong with you?

Aldous Hello, I'm Jeffrey!

Jonathan I've just moved in. Yes, I'm Jeffrey. Jeffrey. Jeffrey, Jeffrey.

Aldous My wife has got ]!

[[w:Varicose veins|varicose veins]

Aaron ]. I'm having a heart attack.

[[w:Myocardial infarction|I'm having a heart attack]

Aldous You're not having a heart attack, Aaron.

Jonathan I think he might be having a heart attack.

Aldous He's not. He's all right. Oh, no. Don't wind him up.

Aaron I'm having a heart attack.

Jonathan He is. He's having a heart attack.

Aaron I'm telling you. Listen to your dad! He's right!

Aldous He's not having a heart attack.

Jonathan He looks like he's having a heart attack, doesn't he?

Aldous Aaron, come with me, mate. Just get away from him. He's an idiot. It's all right. Just take deep breaths. In through your nose, out through your mouth. In through your nose, out through your mouth. That's what you need to do. Come here. We're together, mate, all right? I shouldn't have given you the Jeffrey. That was a mistake. I'm so sorry. But relax now. It's over. Everything is beautiful. The world is beautiful. Everything is cool. Look around us, we're... Look at that, look. Look at these. ] on a wall and picks it off to show Aaron] Look at this tiny, simple beauty of this tiny little ant. Isn't that lovely? See? We're at one with that. So lovely. It's nice, beautiful. Isn't it beautiful? And lovely, and wonderful, and pure and... I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that. No. I'm on the Jeffrey, too. Now just breathe deeply. Okay. Okay. That won't last. No. That's the joy of the Jeffrey, you see. It goes away, but then it comes back! Don't worry. It doesn't do that. You're gonna be okay. Don't listen to him, don't listen to him. Here. Put your hand here. Just touch the furry wall. Stay with me. Be calm. Be calm. Just stroke the furry wall. You're with the furry wall. With the furry wall now. Dad! Stop bullying my mate!

[''Spots an [[w:ant|ant; ''Aldous deliberately inhales the ant and Aaron whimpers in fear'']

Jonathan You sound just like your mum.

Aldous Don't talk about my mum.

Sergio Y'all need to take a hit of this Jeffrey! It'll calm you down!

Jonathan Sammy's right! Right, I've got a question. She still seeing that soft-dick postman, eh? Or has he left her as well?

Aldous You're gonna die on your own, old man. You're gonna die and I'm gonna fucking laugh when you die, you old cunt. Aaron, stop stroking the furry wall! We're going... ] and smashes it on Aldous back and then bodyslams Aldous on a pool table] Get off!

[''Aldous turns and calls to Aaron''; ''Jonathan grabs [[w:Acoustic guitar|an acoustic guitar]

Aaron Hey, shouldn't somebody stop this?

Sergio Feel how good this feels? I'm gonna cover the whole outside of my house in this material.

Jonathan ] and Jonathan grabs Aldous by the ankles] Come back here. Get back here. Get...

[''Aldous attempts to escape by crawling under a [[w:Culvert|culvert]

Sergio My house is gonna look like a fucking werewolf.

Aaron What the fuck?

Jonathan Go on, run away!

Aldous Stop chasing me!

Sergio See, Aaron? The plan is working. This is what old pussy used to look like in the 70s. I miss that.

Aldous You're a very bad parent!

[''Aldous punches Jonathan in the face'']

Jonathan I'll show you bad, eh?

[''He draws a pistol'']

Aldous What are you doing?

Aaron That's a gun! He's got a gun!

Sergio Now that's what I'm talking about.

Aldous Oh, no. Where did that come from? Hey! Keep stroking the wall! Keep stroking the wall!

[''To Aaron'']

Jonathan That's Jeffrey's gun.

Sergio No one endangers my artist!

[''Sergio deflects gun upwards and Jonathan discharges it'']

Aaron Somebody help me, please!

Aldous I'm coming, Aaron!

Destiny This is so rock star.

Aaron I'm having a heart attack! Somebody take me to the hospital! It's on North Casino Way! Calm down. I'm having a heart attack!

Aldous You're having a heart attack, are you?

Aaron I am!

Aldous Jesus! Why can't everything be this simple?

[''Seduced by the furry wall'']

Jonathan Sergio, fancy a drink, eh?

[''Throwing a wine bottle''; ''Sergio takes cover behind a mini fridge door and throws a bottle and Jonathan responds with throwing dishes'']

Aldous Sergio would have made you bring a medical kit.

Aaron It's over there! It's over there!

Jonathan Fucker. Yeah! I'm okay. Right!

[''He frisbees a metal casserole dish lid''; ''The lid hits Sergio in the head, knocking him out and Jonathan throws up both hands in celebration''; ''He glances at Sergio again who has strangely disappeared'']

Aldous Come here!

[''Aldous grabs Aaron with medical kit in mouth and manhandling him away and throws him to the floor''; ''Gets on top of him'']

Aaron No! No. No.

Aldous Now I'm gonna stab you in the heart with this adrenaline needle.

Aaron What? What? I'm alive!

[''Aldous injects Aaaron'']

Sergio See if you like this. Where the hell you been?

[''Sergio grabs Jonathan by ankles and drags him down steps''; ''Two Pinnacle Records employee appear'']

Bodyguard We went to see Cher.

Sergio Cher? How was it?

Bodyguard Amazing.

Jonathan This is all your fault! He's fucking ]!

[''He lunges at Sergio''; ''Aaron lunges at Jonathan who turns around gets scratched in the face''; [w:Catwoman|Catwoman]

Aldous You're so mean! That's enough!

[''Grabs Aaron and manhandles him away'']

Jonathan It's not easy being a parent. ] and smashes it on Jonathan's head] Shit!

[''Sergio grabs a [[w:lava lamp|lava lamp]

Aldous I'm sorry, pops, you okay?

[''Sergio throws Jonathan headfirst into a TV screen smashing it and Destiny cheers'']

Sergio Now, this is what the music industry is all about.

[''Sergio grabs a hot coal from a pit fire and immediately drops it onto the furry rug, starting a fire'']

Aaron Sergio's gone crazy.

Sergio I love this game!

Aldous He's Jeffreyed. Let's go! Bye!

Sergio No, I don't think so.

[''He then gives chase after Aaron and Aldous down a hallway'']

Aaron This adrenaline's crazy! I've never run so fast in my life!

Aldous I don't have my luggage!

Aaron Fuck your luggage! We'll get you new luggage!

Sergio Where you going? Run all the way back to LA!

Aldous Sergio is chasing us!

Aaron This is the longest hallway of all time!

Aldous It's ]!

[[w:Stanley Kubrick|Kubrickian]

Sergio You cannot outrun me! I am black!

Aaron and Aldous Go, go, go, go, go, go, go! Please, driver! Just drive it! Go! Now! Go! Go! Go! Go! Drive! Drive faster! Quickly! Go! Oh, no! Oh, my God! Oh! ] gets hit by car] Stop, stop! Stop!

[''Sergio is chasing them along [[w:Las Vegas Strip|The Strip]

Sergio Why aren't you bitches going? Come on! The plan worked! Now that's a mindfuck!

[''He watches Aaron and Aldous drive away'']

Get Him to the Greek

Tired Conversations Amidst Chaos and Blood

Aaron Okay, I'm up. I'm up! Hey, Daph', how was work?

Daphne I can't talk. Too tired.

Aaron Is that blood on ]?

[[w:Scrubs (clothing)|your scrubs]

Daphne Probably. This guy's heart just went, like... It was like; ].

[[w:Saw (franchise)|something out of Saw]

Aaron You want me to get you ]?

[[w:Zolpidem|an Ambien]

Daphne Oh, God, no. I have to be back there at noon.

Aaron At noon? That sucks, babe, I'm sorry.

Daphne Mmm-hmm. It's okay, sweetie. It's not your fault.

Aaron Okay. What do you want? Whale, wave or mountain stream?

[''Referring to [[w:New-age music|background relaxation music]

Daphne All of them. Really loud.

Aaron There you go.

Daphne Thank you, sweetie, I love you.

Aaron You're welcome.

Daphne I got you ]. I took a bite out of it and it's kind of cold, but it's still good.

[[w:McMuffin|an eggy thingy]

Aaron Thank you.

Daphne You're welcome.

Aaron You ] ] for two hours before I go to work?

[[w:Amateur pornography|want to tape ourselves; [w:Sexual intercourse|having sex]

Daphne You're so funny. I love you.

Aaron No? Are you sure? I've always wanted to have sex with the ] and ].

[[w:Lone Ranger|Lone Ranger; [w:McDonaldland#Characters|the Hamburglar]

Daphne No, I'll see you tonight.

Aaron Okay. Have a good day.

Daphne I love you, Aaron, so much.

Aaron Good night. You're funny.

Song lyrics Oi! I'm a love dealer. You want to score. I'll give you my number. So give me a call. You're looking so lonely. There's no need to be. Let me introduce you to my family.

Get Him to the Greek

A Conversation About Rest and Well-Being

Aaron Thank you.

[''Shuts SUV door'']

Aldous You okay?

Aaron Yeah. Sorry. I'm just... I'm just really tired.

Aldous Just get some sleep, Aaron. Go home and sleep, mate, all right?

Aaron Okay, good. Cause if I don't get some sleep, I think I'm gonna throw up.

Aldous Go home. I'm cool. I'm just gonna be here. I'm just gonna rest, prepare, you know. Prepare for the show.

Aaron See you in a few hours.

Get Him to the Greek

Aldous Reflects on Sobriety and Relationships

Aldous All right. Thank you. Thank you. You sound sarcastic now. Cheers, cheers. Welcome back to Storytellers. Yeah, I've been sober now for six months. So that's positive. Thank you. Thanks. It's lovely to be applauded for being in recovery by people who I can see are on drugs. I can see some of you are literally on drugs now, aren't you? Here with us in the audience is my dear friend and collaborator, Aaron Green. Stand up, Aaron! Yes. We have a working relationship. He's my producer. He's got a label. How are you? What are you wearing? Is this cause you live in Seattle? You think, "Oh, I'm grunge." Is that what it is? You look like a lesbian.

Aaron Sing the song.

Aldous Sit down, Aaron. Thank you. That is Aaron Green. Round of applause. All right. But also here is my lad. You all right, sunshine? Naples is here. You all right, mate?

Naples I'm fine, Daddy.

Aldous Yeah. See, he still calls me daddy. He was my son for a while, but due to my complicated sex life, it turns out it's best just to think of him as a tiny associate. Also, also he's quite mature. He's more mature than me. Do you love me?

Naples Uh, yeah.

Aldous Don't think that long! It doesn't mean anything! So, all right. And my mum's here as well. You all right, Mum? You all right, darling? Well, hey, listen, I wanna... Jeez, I'm sidetracked. So, let's get on with the... Let's do this song. It's important for a number of reasons, but the most important thing is that it was a hit. Thank the fucking Lord. Yeah. When the world slips you a Jeffrey. Stroke the furry wall. Stroke the furry wall. Furry walls, don't bring me down. Furry walls, please stay around. Furry walls..., kiss me to sleep. Furry walls, please help me leap. Furry walls..., can take you on a magic carpet ride. Furry walls surround you till you got no place to hide. Let your furry fingers be your guide. Furry walls, turn out the light. Furry walls, please stay the night. Furry walls, furry walls, furry walls, let's have a taste, furry walls, sit on my face. Furry walls, furry walls. Maybe I'm in heaven with the furry skies above. All around are furry clouds Look, here's a furry dove. Let me stroke your furry walls of love.

[''Singing''; ''Repeatedly''; ''Repeatedly'']

Aldous Little bird, drink the ] from my lips. Take a flying saucer trip to the stars in my eyes. Little bird Sitting on the tip of my tongue. Though you look a bit too young. Could be the stars in my eyes. Your words, like butterflies dance around my head your body, like forbidden wine. Spills out of my bed. Hope your daddy doesn't mind. Hope your mummy doesn't mind Hope your granny doesn't mind. Hope your grandpa doesn't mind. Little bird. Brand new galaxies await you. Open up and let me take you to the stars. Your words, like butterflies, dance around my head. Your body, like forbidden wine spills out of my bed. Hope your daddy doesn't mind. Hope your mummy doesn't mind. Hope your granny doesn't mind. Hope your grandpa doesn't mind. Hope your daddy doesn't mind. Hope your mummy doesn't mind. Hope your daddy doesn't mind. Hope your mummy doesn't mind. Little bird, little bird, little bird. Yeah, yeah! Oi, oi! Put your dominant hand up high. Reach your dominant hand in the sky. Yeah, yeah! Oi, oi! Put your hand up for sex. For me and me helmet and wherever it winds up next Yeah, yeah! Oi, oi! Put your hand up for our Queen for shagging five birds in the back of me limousine. I feel particularly in tune with the cosmos, I feel in tune with you tonight. Yeah, yeah! Oi, oi! Put your hand up for love While snogging down south While jiggling up above Yeah, yeah! Oi, oi! Put your dominant hand up high! Put your dominant hand! Tonight! Unity! Yeah, yeah Oi, oi, unity! And love! Yeah, yeah! Oi, oi! Put your hand up for tea For separation of Church and State and me! Yeah, yeah! Oi, oi! Put your dominant hand up high! Put your dominant leg! I feel particularly in tune with the cosmos! I feel in tune with you tonight! Yeah, yeah! Oi, oi! Put your dominant hand up high to the sky!

[''Singing''; [w:champagne|champagne]

Sergio Go home. Get the fuck out the theater. The movie's over.

[''Facing viewer'']

Get Him to the Greek

Meeting and Greeting in Europe

Duffy Hey! Aaron Green, yeah? From Pinnacle.

Aaron Hey, man! Hey! Yes.

Duffy Okay.

Aaron Oh, two. Right. Europe.

[''Kisses Duffy on both cheeks'']

Duffy Europe. Yeah. So, the Greek concert. In about three days?

Aaron Three days.

Duffy Yeah, Aldous is really excited. We all are. This is fantastic.

Aaron I'm so ready!

Duffy What?

Aaron Cheerio!

Duffy Great.

Aaron I'm sorry, I'm nervous.

Duffy Okay, come in, come in. Cool. He's gonna be a moment. Just go and wait for him outside on the terrace.

Aaron I shouldn't have done that. This is awesome.

[''Admiring view of London skyline from patio'']

Aldous Hey! I'm Aldous Snow, the rock star.

Aaron Oh, man! I mean, your place is great! This is gonna be so much fun. We're gonna travel together...

Aldous Who are you, mate?

Aaron I'm sorry. I'm Aaron Green.

Aldous What are you doing in me house?

Aaron I'm from Pinnacle. I'm here to take you to the 10-year anniversary show at the Greek.

Aldous That's not for another two months. Mum?

Lena Yeah?

Aldous This joker's here to change the date of the Greek concert.

Lena Why would they do that? Why would they do that?

Aldous Duffy!

Duffy Yeah?

Aldous Remember that concert in Los Angeles?

Duffy Yeah.

Aldous It's supposed to be in two months, isn't it?

Duffy Yeah, two months.

Aldous Two months, right, exactly. They've changed it.

Duffy What?

Aaron We had spoken about it.

Aldous I've never seen you before in my life. I don't like change. I don't like it when things change. It's unsettling, isn't it?

Lena Would you like a biscuit?

Duffy Or ]? ]?

[[w:Lollipop|a lolly; [w:Codeine|Codeine]

Aldous Mum, Duffy, just objectively, is this fair?

Lena and Duffy No. No.

Aldous It's not, is it? I'm not being unreasonable.

Lena and Duffy No. No.

Aldous He is. Yeah.

Lena and Duffy Yes.

Aaron Sorry I changed the date.

Aldous Finally! Finally, he admits it. That's my bad. That's better. That's better that you've apologized, cause now we can start to rebuild. Duffy? Yeah? Get us a ], mate.

[[w:Beer|couple of lagers]

Aaron It really is so nice to meet you. I'm a lifelong fan. This lager hits the spot.

Aaron We should probably get going if we're gonna catch ].

[[w:John F. Kennedy International Airport|that 6:00 p.m. Flight to JFK]

Lena Aldy, by the way, whatever happened to Jackie? She was such a darling girl. She was so polite. I always liked her.

Aldous Did you? I really liked Dad. Where is he?

Lena Fuck off, Aldous. Your dad's a piece of shit moocher.

Aldous You see how she talks about me dad? Imagine that.

Lena Anyways, we really should get...

Aldous He had a ] last month, my dad. Look how she mugs him off. Disgusting.

[[w:Heart Attack|heart attack]

Lena Well, if you like the bastard so much, why don't you go and visit him when you're in America?