32 quotes
Greeting at Good Burger Drive-Thru
Ed
Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger. Can I take your order?
[first, repeated, and last line]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Celebrating Our Shared Identity as Dudes
Ed
I'm a dude. He's a dude. She's a dude. We're all dudes, hey!
[repeated line, always sung]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Summer Vacation and Academic Expectations
Mr. Wheat
What's your hurry, my brother?
Dex
Uh, my hurry is it's now officially summer vacation, and yet I'm still looking at you.
Mr. Wheat
You're an amazing student. I mean, you sit there and get your test done first, and you were concentrating so hard I thought you were asleep.
Dex
Next time, make it more challenging.
Mr. Wheat
That's what I want to talk to you about. Challenges, potential, using your mind. Cause I'm worried about you.
Dex
I'm worried about you, too. Have you seen yourself lately? The fro, the boots, and this jacket...You have a nice summer, Shaft!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Kurt's Warning Against Provocation
Kurt Bozwell
You mess with Kurt, and you go into the grinder.
[repeated line]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Lighthearted Offer of a Ride
Kurt
Can I give you a lift, Ed?
Ed
Gee, I don't know dude. I weigh about 150.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Good Burger's Resilience Against Competition
Mr. Baily
They're competition. Big competition.
[about Mondo Burger]
Monique
Yep. They could put us out of business.
Mr. Baily
All right! Now, come on! Good Burger has been here for over 40 years! People love us! Most of us. And no one's putting Good Burger out of business!
[looks at Ed]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Job Responsibilities at Good Burger
Ed
But I don't do deliveries, sir.
Mr. Baily
Well, you're doing them for now. I fired O'Malley.
Ed
Why?
Mr. Baily
Because the boy showed up for work without his pants!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Introducing Ed to the Group
Kurt
Hey check it, boys. Right back there. It's the reject.
[laughs along with his friends]
Dex
Hey check it, Ed. It's the Mondo idiot.
[sarcastically]
Ed
Oh, well, nice to meet you Mondo Idiot. I'm Ed.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Misunderstandings in Friendships and Intentions
Ed
I think he likes me.
[about Kurt]
Dex
Ed! That diphthong doesn't like you, he just wants to use you!
Ed
Well, that's not natural.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Conversation on Life and Misfortune
Otis
I should've died years ago.
Dex
Tough break.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Reactions in a Busy Setting
Fizz
Nobody's ever abbreviated my name before. I love that!
Otis
It makes me glad I'm not dead.
[after eating French fries with Ed's sauce on it]
Attendant
Goodness gracious! He's killing Sydney!
[after Ed has released a deranged man from his straight jacket]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Frustration Over Good Burger's Success
Kurt
Unbelievable. Two days ago, we had Good Burger CRUSHED! Now look at them.
[upon seeing Good Burger becoming a huge success]
Troy
I think it's the sauce, boss.
[eating a Good Burger]
Kurt
DUH! I know that! You think Kurt's stupid?
[walks over to Troy, and headbutts him; to Griffin]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Kurt Offers Ed a Job at Mondo Burger
Kurt
I want you to come work for me at Mondo Burger. You make your sauce for Kurt.
Ed
Who's Kurt?
Kurt
I'm Kurt!
Ed
I'm Ed.
Kurt
I'm aware!
Ed
You said you were Kurt.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Gift Between Friends
Dex
What is this?
[Ed gives him a yo-yo]
Ed
It's a yo-yo. I bought it with the 13 dollars you gave me. It lights up and flickers and everything, just like the one your dad gave you.
Dex
Why'd you get this for me?
Ed
Cause we're buds!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Debate Over Traffic Sign Interpretation
Dex
That was a stop sign!
Ed
Uh...no?
Dex
Aw, man!
[whines]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Deciding Plans After Work
Dex
So, Monique. What are you going to do tonight after you lock up?
Monique
I thought I'd go home.
Dex
Home? Why?
Monique
Well...that's where my stuff is.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Car Repair Costs Surprise Dexter
Mr. Wheat
Ah, Mr. Reed. Hard at work as usual.
[arrives at Good Burger]
Dex
I'm having my lunch.
Mr. Wheat
Well, I just got my car from the body shop and I've got to admit: It is new. Here's the receipt.
[gives him the receipt]
Dex
2500 dollars? No! The estimate was only for 1900.
[eyes widen]
Mr. Wheat
Well, that, my young brother, is why they call it an estimate. Close to, kind of, could be. And I'll meet you in about 2 and a half monthy to get me my money. Now you have a good day at work. I'm going to have lunch at Mondo Burger. Home of the big booty burger.
[chuckles; leaves]
Ed
Mind if I sit here?
[sits with Dex during lunch]
Dex
Yes, I do mind.
[still angry]
Ed
Thanks.
Dex
Wh-Wh-What are you doing?
Ed
Eating my lunch.
Dex
I told you not to sit here. I don't like you. Can you get that through your head?
Ed
I can try. Nope.
[pokes his head with his fries]
Dex
I'm gonna have to spell this out to you. I don't wanna sit by you. I don't wanna see you. I don't wanna smell you. I don't wanna hang out with you. I don't even wanna use words with the letter "U"!
Ed
Look! I'm Grape Nose Boy! Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity...
[with 2 grapes up his nose]
Dex
Stop that.
Ed
Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity...
Dex
Would you stop?
Ed
Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity...
Dexter
That ain't funny!
[then laughs]
Ed
Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity...Made ya laugh!
Dex
So...Oh, I give up.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Admiring Qualities in a Loved One
Dex
How can I not like her? She smart, fun, beautiful, and cuddly.
[about Monique]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Kurt's Ambitious Vision for Mondo Burger
Kurt
People, I'm fully stoked about being in charge of every single one of you. Within 2 years, Mondo Burger's going to be the biggest burger chain on this planet. Oh, yeah. First we got to beat out our big competition across the street, Good Burger. From now on, your life is Mondo Burger. You can forget about your friends, you can forget about your family...because Kurt is now both your mother and your father.
[addressing employees]
Dex
Kurt must look awfully strange naked.
[whispering to a female co-worker]
Kurt
Who said that? Who talked while Kurt was talking?
Griffin
It was him! He uttered something.
[points to Dexter]
Kurt
Why, I should've known.
[moves closer to the stunned Dexter]
Dex
Uh, I'm sorry I uttered.
Kurt
You think you're funny, don't you, bro? You know what? At Mondo Burger, there are no comedians. You mess with Kurt and you go into the grinder.
Dex
Okay, now this grinder of yours, is it a real grinder or is it some kind of a metaphor?
Kurt
That's it, you're gone! Adios, TKO, historical!
Dex
Wait, wait, wait. I won't be funny no more.
Kurt
Security!
Dex
Wait! You ain't gotta bring the man down here! Kurt, come on, please! I need this job!
Kurt
Take out the trash!
Dex
Trash?" Okay, now lookee here-
[offended; the guards grab him]
Kurt
Get this loser out of my face!
Dex
Loser"?! Oh, now you're about to push me a little too far!
Kurt
You want a piece of me?
Dex
Yeah! Extra crispy please!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Optimistic Plans for Good Burger's Success
Dex
If we put this sauce on all the Good Burgers, then everyone will want to eat here! We'll knock Mondo Burger right off the map!
Ed
WHEE! That's great!
Mr. Baily
Ed, get in that kitchen and start making sauce!
[excited]
Ed
Yippy skippy! It shall be done!
[stands up; runs to the kitchen]
Mr. Baily
Gimme another French fry! Good Burger's back in business!
[as the employees continue clamoring with laughter]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Job Request at Good Burger
Ed
Hey, Mr. Baily! This guy needs a job. Can he have one?
Mr. Baily
No!
Dex
See ya.
Ed
Wait, wait, wait! C'mon, Mr. Baily, he really needs one. He can do fries.
Mr. Baily
Otis does fries.
Ed
Yeah, but look at him. How much longer could he possibly live?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Secret Sauce Recipe Discussion
Deedee
Ed! There must be 50 customers out there! It's unbelievable! What do you put in that sauce?
Ed
Well, you start off with a little lemon juice and some ketchup- Um, look, Dex, I like you as a friend and all, but it might...
[Dex, freaking out, tackles him to the ground]
Dex
No! Listen to me carefully.
Ed
Okay.
Dex
Do not tell anyone the recipe to your sauce.
Ed
Oh. Well, first you start off with a little lemon juice...
Dex
Stop it! Stop talking!
Ed
Oh.
Dex
Never tell anyone the ingredients of your sauce.
Ed
Why?
Dex
You want to save Good Burger, don't you?
Ed
Oh, yeah. Good Burger's my life.
Dex
Well, then, you got to keep your sauce recipe a secret. All right?
Ed
Okay.
Dex
All right.
Ed
Um, Dex?
Dex
Hmm?
Ed
You're squishing my pancreas.
Dex
Sorry.
[gets up]
Ed
Thanks.
[also gets up]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
New Co-Worker Compliments Outfit Choices
Dex
Hello. My name is Dexter. I'm your new co-worker.
Monique
Monique.
[smiling]
Dex
Well, that's a nice outfit you got on there, Monique. And those stripes really bring out the color in your eyes.
Monique
Yes. You can imagine how embarrassed I was when I came to work and saw everyone wearing the same thing.
[sarcastically]
Dex
Okay. I guess I'll see you later then.
[laughs uneasily]
Monique
I guess you will.
[walks off]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Misunderstanding a Simple Burger Order
Customer
Excuse me! Look, I ordered one Good Burger with nothing on it!
[motioning to Ed]
Ed
That's what I gave you.
Customer
No, you gave me a bun. Just a bun. Look, there's no meat in here.
Ed
But you said you wanted nothing on it.
Customer
Yes, but I expected a meat patty!
Ed
Dude, a meat patty is something. You said nothing. Fizz, is a meat patty something or nothing?
Fizz
Uh, something?
Ed
I win!
[raises arm in the air]
Customer
All right, that rips it! I am reporting your name to the manager!
Ed
The manager already knows my name.
Customer
Oh, I'll see you in Hell.
[storms out]
Ed
Okay, see ya there!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Customer Requests Good Burgers at Good Burger
Ed
Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger. Can I take your order?
Construction Worker
Well, it's about time. Can I get two Good Burgers?
Ed
Sorry, dude. I have to go get them. Customers aren't allowed in the back.
Construction Worker
Just give me two Good Burgers!
[irritated]
Ed
Dude, I can't just give you two Good Burgers, you have to pay for em!
Construction Worker
Forget it! Forget it! I've had it up to here with Good Burger! I can't wait for Mondo Burger to open.
[leaves]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Conflict Over Noise in Good Burger Scene
Kurt
Shut up! Just be quiet!
[blows whistle]
Dex
Well, It'd be a lot more quiet if you stopped blowing the whistle.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Connections in a Casual Conversation
Dex
Hey, you look familiar. Don't I know you from somewhere?
Ed
Ever been to Australia?
Dex
No.
Ed
Me neither.
Dex
I've could've sworn I've seen you someplace before.
Ed
Hey, I know! Maybe I'm someone famous! You know, like a baseball player or a pretty nurse!
Dex
What? Man, what in the world are you talking about?
Ed
Okay, okay. I give up. Who am I?
Dex
Man, I don't know who you are. Or where I know you from. Or why you think you're an attractive nurse, but I am sure I don't wanna know you any longer. Now, please go away, I've had a very bad day.
Ed
What's wrong? Were you bitten by a sheep?
Dex
What?
[confused]
Ed
Did you lose your trousers?
Dex
Look, you're an unusually bad guesser, so I'll tell you. I need to come up with 1,900 dollars to fix some stranger's car, another 800 to fix my mother's car, and I just got fired. Man, I can't believe Kurt fired me from Mondo Burger. I mean, he yelled at me, then he insulted me. He made fun of me.
[looks downcast]
Ed
Boy, you must really suck.
Dex
See right about now I'd slap you in your head, but I'm not sure if your brain would understand the concept of pain.
Ed
Hey! Wanna see my belly button?
[oblivious]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Casual Invitation Among Friends
Dex
Stuff. Ha, ha, ha.
Ed
Hey, Dex. Want to hang out tonight?
[rolling on his skates]
Dex
I don't know, but - Hey Ed, you better be careful. You!
[before he realizes that Ed is the one who was a roller-blading and delivery blades right in front of Dex which caused his accident, when Ed accidentally pushed Otis over, and breaks his pelvis; angrily points at Ed]
Ed
Me?
[turns around and looked at Dexter]
Dex
Now I know where I saw you before. You're the roller-blading nut that caused my accident!
Ed
Uh...no?
Dex
You're the reason why I owe 1,900 bucks! You're the reason my mom found out I was driving without a license! And you cost me a fortune! You wrecked my summer, man. You ruined my life.
Ed
So, you don't want to hang out tonight?
Dex
No. I don't want to hang out with you...ever.
Otis
Do you think you can get me to a hospital? I think I broke my butt.
[to Dexter]
Dex
Come on, Otis. Get out of the way.
[to Otis; to Ed]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Conversation About a Car Ownership
Jake
Nice car. This yours?
Dex
No. It's my mom's, and she's away on business in New York.
Jake
And she lets you drive this while she's out of town?
Dex
Nope.
[speeds off]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Misunderstanding Compliments in the Workplace
Roxanne
You are so hot.
Ed
Oh, well, I often sweat at work.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Fatherhood and Memory in Everyday Life
Dex
You know...I don't even remember what my dad looks like.
Ed
I don't remember what my dad looks like, either, but at least I get to see him every day.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Lesson in Fast Food Hospitality
Ed
Cool! I'll teach him everything I know!
[after Dexter gets the job at Good Burger]
Mr. Baily
Oh, help me.
[groans]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.