Good Morning, Vietnam Quotes

Marty Lee Dreiwitz Let me ask you a question: what is the appeal of ]? I mean, the man's not funny. I know funny, and he's not funny. Don't get me wrong, he seems like a nice guy, but my father's a nice guy and he's not funny either! Joey Bishop. I wish someone would explain this one to me.

Airman First Class Adrian Cronauer Here's a news flash: Today President Lyndon Johnson passed a highway beautification bill. The bill basically said that his daughters could not drive in a convertible on public highways.

Airman First Class Adrian Cronauer Thank you. I think this fall, the discerning GI is gonna be wearing green in the jungle. Why? Because it matches with the green! The leaves, they fall upon the helmets, says yes to me.

Private First Class Edward Garlick My whole life passed before my eyes, and it wasn't even interesting to me.... It zoomed right by, just the way they say it does. Stamp collections, pulling chickweeds from my dad's dichondra plants, arranging rakes by sizes for my mom in the garage. Even encapsulated in two seconds, my life is dull. I find that very alarming.

Airman First Class Adrian Cronauer Five months in Vietnam and my best friend is a V.C. THIS WILL NOT LOOK GOOD ON A RESUMÉ!

Airman First Class Adrian Cronauer You know, you're very beautiful. You're also very quiet. And I'm not used to girls being that quiet unless they're medicated. Normally I go out with girls who talk so much you could hook them up to a wind turbine and they could power a small New Hampshire town.

Airman First Class Adrian Cronauer The Mississippi River broke through a protective dike today. What is a protective dike? Is that a large woman standing near the river going "Don't go near there!" "But Betty-" "Don't go near there! Get away from the river! Stay away from there." I know, we can't use the word "dyke." You can't even say "lesbian", it's "women in comfortable shoes." Thank you very much.

Airman First Class Adrian Cronauer Excuse me, sir. Seeing as how the ] is such a ], shouldn't we keep the ] ]? Cause if it leaks to the ] he could end up ], and then we'd all be put on ].

Sergeant Major Dickerson Ten-hut.

BG Taylor At ease. Cronauer, I'm sorry as hell about this thing. Goddamnit, I like you, son. I like what you do. Most of all, I like what you've done for the men. But fact's a fact. This could give the Army a black eye. I'm not gonna cover for you this time, son.

Adrian Cronauer Sir- what about the show?

BG Taylor We'll handle it. I'm sorry, son.

A1C Adrian Cronauer Why'd you do this?

Sergeant Major Dickerson I don't like your style, your politics or your sense of humor. I don't like what you say or how you say it. From now on the fighting men of Vietnam will hear exactly what they're supposed to hear. You're on a DC-8 out of Tan Sun Nhut Airport tomorrow morning- I recommend you pack quietly. That's all I have for you, Airman.

A1C Adrian Cronauer You know? You are in more dire need of a blowjob than any other white man in history.

BG Taylor Whoa, there, Dick. Put the brakes on. I wanted to wait until Airman had left to talk with you. Dick, I'm transferring you.

Sergeant Major Dickerson Transferring me, sir?

BG Taylor Mm-hmm.

Sergeant Major Dickerson Where to, sir?

BG Taylor You're goin to Guam.

Sergeant Major Dickerson Guam, Sir?! There's nothing goin on in Guam! Why Guam?

BG Taylor Dick, I've covered for you a lot of times, cause I thought you was a little crazy. But you're not crazy, you're mean. And this is just radio.

BG Taylor More dire need of a blowjob than any other white man in history". That's funny.

Airman First Class Adrian Cronauer You're a very attractive man, Abersold. Don't think I haven't noticed.

Airman First Class Adrian Cronauer I'm saying I'm through, Ed. I'm tired of people tellin me what I can't say. "This news isn't official." "That comment is too sarcastic." I can't even make fun of Richard Nixon, and there's a man who is screaming out to be made fun of. So, fuck it.

Airman First Class Adrian Cronauer Sometimes you got to specifically go out of your way to get into trouble. It's called fun.

Airman First Class Adrian Cronauer I just want to begin by saying to Roosevelt E. Roosevelt, what it is, what it was, what it shall be. The weather out there today is hot and shitty with continued hot and shitty in the afternoon. Tomorrow a chance of continued crappy with a pissy weather front coming down from the north. Basically, it's hotter than a snake's ass in a wagon rut.

Airman First Class Adrian Cronauer Hey, we're back. That last few seconds of silence was ] newest hit single, "Walkin In The Wind." And now, here are the headlines. Here they come at you right now. Pope actually found to be Jewish. ] is Anastasia, and Ethel Merman jams Russian radar. The East Germans, today, claimed that the Berlin Wall was a fraternity prank. Also the Pope decided today to release Vatican-related bath products. An incredible thing, yes, it's the new Pope-on-a-Rope. That's right. Pope-on-a-Rope. Wash with it, go straight to heaven. Thank you! Meanwhile, Ethel Merman managed to jam Russian radar, she was quoted as singing "Oh, IIII've got a feeeeeliiiing... that loooove is here to staaaaay!". When asked for a statement, the Russians simply replied , "What the hell was that?

BG Taylor How ya doin'? General Taylor.

Adrian Hiya, General. Adrian Cronauer.

BG Taylor Real pleasure. If you have any problems, you come see me. I'm the tallest hog in the trough around here.

BG Taylor Garlick, have you put on some weight?

PFC Garlick Uh, I don't think so, sir.

BG Taylor Why, son, the shadow of your ass would weigh twenty pounds.

PFC Garlick I'll work on that, sir!