16 quotes
Discussion of John Gustafson's Behavior
Max
You mean the low-life, ass-wipe, egg-sucker John Gustafson?
Snyder
Have you seen him?
Max
The man's crazy. Loco. Always hanging out around those kinky strip bars. You know, the ones where the men take their clothes off. That's of course if he's taken his medication.
Snyder
Medication?
Max
Yes, without it he could be anywhere. Wandering around talking to the trees. I'm telling you the man's a menace, he's always drinking, starting fights.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Cold Weather Banter Between Friends
Weatherman
Oh cold enough for you. BRRRRRRRRRR!
Max
Oh shut up, fat ass!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Barriers in a Stubborn Situation
Man 1
We got a problem, sir. Looks like someone barricaded the door.
Snyder
(on the phone) Wait a minute. (faces the men) What?!
Snyder
This isn't gonna stop me, Mr. Goldman.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Dilemma of Parenting Challenges
Grandpa
Kids. Can't live with em, can't shoot em.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Discussion of Mortality and Accidents
John
Did you hear about Eddie Hicks?
Max
Hypothermia's a bitch. It ain't quick like a stroke.
John
A stroke's no damn good; you could end up a vegetable! Give me a cardiac any day.
Max
You know what Jacob said. Jacob said that old Billy Henchel was killed in a car crash. Head on collision with a freight truck. Cleared his car straight over the bridge into the Mississippi.
John
Lucky bastard.
Max
You bet.
John
Hey, how is he anyway?
Max
He's dead! Died on impact!
John
Jacob, moron. Jacob!
Max
Oh he's fine. Real busy, but he promised to come home for Thanksgiving.
John
Is he running for mayor?
Max
Make a damn fine mayor too.
John
It's a good thing he's his mother's son. If he looked anything like you, he'd never get on the ballot.
Max
Eat my shorts!
[''Insulted'']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Visitors Arrive for John
John
Oh my god, they've come for me.
[Assuming it's Snyder of the IRS coming back to his home in the middle of the night.]
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A Humorous Exchange About Personal Odor
Max
Tell me something, Chuck. Do I stink?
John
Yeah.
[outside]
Max
Not you, smart ass! Didn't ask you. I could smell it from the car, this stink. Is it me?
Chuck
Yup!
Max
Damn!
[smells his hat]
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Aging and Its Humorous Challenges
Max
Your old pal failed you, huh Chuck?
John
Ohhhh, couldn't rise to the occasion?
Max
Yes, the spirit was willing...
John
Yeah, but the flesh was, uh....
Max
Weak! Weak!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Conflict and Humor in Daily Interactions
Max
Dirty rat, I'll show him, picking on people.
Snyder
Beautiful day, Mr. Goldman.
Max
Hey, Snyder! Why don't you do the world a favor and pull your lip over your head and swallow?" (Laughs)
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Max questions the Green Hornet's whereabouts.
Max
Where's the Green Hornet?
[distraught over losing his Green Hornet fishing rod in the fishing hole]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Witty Exchange Between Two Friends
Max
Hey dickhead, win the lottery?
John
Enjoy your shower, smartass?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Conflict Between Old Friends
Max
Gustafson!
Max
You schmuck!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Arrival Sparks Curiosity and Humor
John
Did you hear, someone moved into the old Klickner place? A woman.
Grandpa
A woman?
John
Yeah.
Grandpa
Did you mount her?
John
Ohhh, Dad!
Grandpa
Well the woman, does she have big thighs?
John
No!
Grandpa
No?! Then what's the problem? If I was a young fella like you, I'd be mounting every woman in Wabasha. (Grabs the six pack of beer out of his son's hands). Keep the change!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unpleasant Morning Greetings Between Friends
Max
Morning, dickhead.
John
Hello, moron.
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Aging and Relationships: A Humorous Reflection
Ariel
I said it's time for bed.
John
Hold on, I'm...I'm not prepared. See, these days, they say you have to do...safe sex.
Ariel
John, when was the last time you made love?
John
October 4th....1978.
Ariel
Oh, I think we're safe.....
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Differing Opinions on a Shared Past
John
Let me remind you Einstein that May was no prize.
Max
She was to me!
John
I was married to the woman, 20 years. She was no prize!
Max
She was to me!
John
Yeah, well that's why you're a moron! If you ended up with May, you would never had Amy and Amy was a good woman.
Max
She was the best.
John
She was damn sight more loyal than May ever was.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.