Differing Opinions on a Shared Past
John:
Let me remind you Einstein that May was no prize.
Max:
She was to me!
John:
I was married to the woman, 20 years. She was no prize!
Max:
She was to me!
John:
Yeah, well that's why you're a moron! If you ended up with May, you would never had Amy and Amy was a good woman.
Max:
She was the best.
John:
She was damn sight more loyal than May ever was.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Visitors Arrive for John
John: [Assuming it's Snyder of the IRS coming back to his home in the middle of the night.]
Oh my god, they've come for me.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Conflict Between Old Friends
Max:
Gustafson!
Max:
You schmuck!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Cold Weather Banter Between Friends
Weatherman:
Oh cold enough for you. BRRRRRRRRRR!
Max:
Oh shut up, fat ass!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Humorous Exchange About Personal Odor
Max:
Tell me something, Chuck. Do I stink?
John: [outside]
Yeah.
Max:
Not you, smart ass! Didn't ask you. I could smell it from the car, this stink. Is it me?
Chuck:
Yup!
Max: [smells his hat]
Damn!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Discussion of John Gustafson's Behavior
Max:
You mean the low-life, ass-wipe, egg-sucker John Gustafson?
Snyder:
Have you seen him?
Max:
The man's crazy. Loco. Always hanging out around those kinky strip bars. You know, the ones where the men take their clothes off. That's of course if he's taken his medication.
Snyder:
Medication?
Max:
Yes, without it he could be anywhere. Wandering around talking to the trees. I'm telling you the man's a menace, he's always drinking, starting fights.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Barriers in a Stubborn Situation
Man 1:
We got a problem, sir. Looks like someone barricaded the door.
Snyder:
(on the phone) Wait a minute. (faces the men) What?!
Snyder:
This isn't gonna stop me, Mr. Goldman.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Conflict and Humor in Daily Interactions
Max:
Dirty rat, I'll show him, picking on people.
Snyder:
Beautiful day, Mr. Goldman.
Max:
Hey, Snyder! Why don't you do the world a favor and pull your lip over your head and swallow?" (Laughs)
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Aging and Relationships: A Humorous Reflection
Ariel:
I said it's time for bed.
John:
Hold on, I'm...I'm not prepared. See, these days, they say you have to do...safe sex.
Ariel:
John, when was the last time you made love?
John:
October 4th....1978.
Ariel:
Oh, I think we're safe.....
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Aging and Its Humorous Challenges
Max:
Your old pal failed you, huh Chuck?
John:
Ohhhh, couldn't rise to the occasion?
Max:
Yes, the spirit was willing...
John:
Yeah, but the flesh was, uh....
Max:
Weak! Weak!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Witty Exchange Between Two Friends
Max:
Hey dickhead, win the lottery?
John:
Enjoy your shower, smartass?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unpleasant Morning Greetings Between Friends
Max:
Morning, dickhead.
John:
Hello, moron.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Arrival Sparks Curiosity and Humor
John:
Did you hear, someone moved into the old Klickner place? A woman.
Grandpa:
A woman?
John:
Yeah.
Grandpa:
Did you mount her?
John:
Ohhh, Dad!
Grandpa:
Well the woman, does she have big thighs?
John:
No!
Grandpa:
No?! Then what's the problem? If I was a young fella like you, I'd be mounting every woman in Wabasha. (Grabs the six pack of beer out of his son's hands). Keep the change!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Discussion of Mortality and Accidents
John:
Did you hear about Eddie Hicks?
Max:
Hypothermia's a bitch. It ain't quick like a stroke.
John:
A stroke's no damn good; you could end up a vegetable! Give me a cardiac any day.
Max:
You know what Jacob said. Jacob said that old Billy Henchel was killed in a car crash. Head on collision with a freight truck. Cleared his car straight over the bridge into the Mississippi.
John:
Lucky bastard.
Max:
You bet.
John:
Hey, how is he anyway?
Max:
He's dead! Died on impact!
John:
Jacob, moron. Jacob!
Max:
Oh he's fine. Real busy, but he promised to come home for Thanksgiving.
John:
Is he running for mayor?
Max:
Make a damn fine mayor too.
John:
It's a good thing he's his mother's son. If he looked anything like you, he'd never get on the ballot.
Max: [''Insulted'']
Eat my shorts!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Dilemma of Parenting Challenges
Grandpa:
Kids. Can't live with em, can't shoot em.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Max questions the Green Hornet's whereabouts.
Max: [distraught over losing his Green Hornet fishing rod in the fishing hole]
Where's the Green Hornet?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
