32 quotes
Acknowledging Personal Challenges and Responsibilities
Harold Lee
Sure got a lotta baggage.
[to Maria in elevator, after seeing luggage at her feet]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Confronting Racial Stereotypes and Injustice
Harold
So, what are you in here for?
Tarik
For bein black.
Harold
Seriously?
Tarik
I am serious. Wanna know what happened?
Tarik
I was walkin out of a ], and the cop stops me. Now, evidently, a black guy robbed a store in ]. I told him, "I haven't even been to Newark in months". So he starts beatin me with his gun, telling me to stop resisting arrest.
[[w: Barnes and Noble|Barnes and Noble; [w:Newark, New Jersey|Newark]
Harold
Holy shit. What'd you do?
Tarik
I kept sayin': "I understand I'm under arrest. Now, please stop beatin me!".
Harold
I don't understand how you can be so calm about all this.
Tarik
Look at me. I'm fat, black, can't dance, and I have 2 gay fathers. People have been messin with me my whole life. I learned a long time ago that there's no sense gettin all riled up every time a bunch of idiots give you a hard time. In the end, the universe tends to unfold as it should. Plus, I have a really large penis. That keeps me happy.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Kumar's Insight on Amsterdam's Legalities
Kumar Patel
Hey, Roldy, you do realize what's legal in Amsterdam, don't you?
[last line before the credits]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Pressure of Peer Expectations
Kumar
I can't believe you were gonna ditch for the Joy Luck Club, dude. You know what their parties are like.
Harold
C'mon, what did you want me to say? I was under pressure.
Kumar
Just say no. That's all it takes.
Kumar
Here.
Kumar
Take a hit of that.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Frantic Search for Kumar's Location
Kumar
Hey, what's that smell?
[sniffs]
Harold
What smell? Kumar.
Harold
Hey Kumar! Kumar! Where are you--?
Harold
Kumar! Still in jail, asshole! Come here!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Ingredients in Fast Food
Employee
You guys might have wanted to stay away from our special sauce tonight. Me and Pookie, we added a secret ingredient. I'll give you a hint. It's semen.
Harold
Semen.
[smirks]
Employee
Animal semen.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Uses for Scissors
Harold
Are those my scissors?! Dude, I trim my noise hair with those!
Kumar
Dude, I have been cutting my ass hair with them for the past six months.
[Harold stares at Kumar in shock and disbelief]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Philosophical Reflection on Life's Unfolding
Harold
The universe tends to unfold as it should.
Kumar
What is that? Some fortune cookie?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Adventures and Misguided Directions
Harold
Neil, you wouldn't happen to know how to get on the highway from here, would you?
Harris
Dude, I don't even know where the fuck I am right now. I was at this party earlier tonight and some guy hooked me up with this incredible "X"--next thing I know I'm being thrown out of a moving car. I've been trippin balls ever since.
Kumar
That's crazy, dude. We've been having a pretty crazy, night, too. We've just been driving around looking for White Castle but we keep getting sidetracked.
Harris
Yeah, dude, you fascinate me. Forget White Castle, let's go get some pussy.
Harold
Huh?
Harris
It's a fucking sausage fest in here, bros. Let's get some poon-tang. Then we'll go to White Castle.
Kumar
No, Neil, you don't understand. We've been craving these burgers all night.
Harris
Yeah, I've been craving burgers, too--fur burgers. Come on, dudes, let's pick up some trim at a strip club. The Doogie line always works on strippers. Lap-dance.
[sings]
Kumar
There's a gas station. I'm gonna see if I can get some directions.
[pause]
Harris
You don't need dir--gah. Hurry up, dudes, hurry up! I'm losing wood.
Harris
Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry.
Kumar
Look, chill.
Harold
We'll be right back, Neil.
Harold
Dude, what's the deal with Neil Patrick Harris? Why is he so horny?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Misunderstanding Leads to Unnecessary Panic
Martone
Hey! Jackson's trying to escape!
[notices the jail door keys in the jail door, and Tarik Jackson sitting inside the cell reading a book]
Tarik
What are you talking about? I'm just sitting here.
Reilly
He's trying to break free! Get him!
Tarik
Aw, shit.
Martone
Don't move. Stop resisting! We need back up now! He's got a gun!
Tarik
That's not a gun, that's a book.
Reilly
Secure the book!
Palumbo
Book is secure. You bring this filth in here? What is this shit?!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Ambivalence About Medical School Aspirations
Dr. Willoughby
Do you actually believe that after the way you've just behaved that I would even consider recommending you for admission?
Kumar
No. I'm gonna be honest with you. The only reason I'm applying is so my dad will keep paying for my apartment. I really don't have a desire to go to med school.
Dr. Willoughby
But you have perfect MCAT scores.
Kumar
Yeah, just cause you're hung like a moose doesn't mean you gotta do porn.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Discussion on Movie Content and Objectification
Goldstein
Sorry, kids. We ain't goin nowhere. We're watching "The Gift". Supposedly Katie Holmes shows her titties in this movie.
Harold
Is that all you Jews ever think about? Tits?
Rosenberg
Katie Holmes is a nice, respectable, wholesome girl, and I'm gonna see her boobs.
Goldstein
The things I would eat out of her ass--you have no idea!
Rosenberg
Argh! That is a completely vulgar statement.
Goldstein
So is, "I wanna bang Britney Spears on the bathroom floor," but it's true.
Rosenberg
Touché.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Prioritizing Problems in Unusual Circumstances
Kumar
Well, you were out cold, I figured if I started doing some gay shit you'd wake up.
Harold
Didn't we come here on a cheetah? Where's the cheetah?
Harold
What? How is that not the worse news!?
[shouts]
Kumar
Well, the laptop situation really only affects you, where as the White Castle situation affects us both equally.
[calmly]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Perception of Reality and Altered States
Harold
Dude, am I really high, or is this actually working?
[riding a cheetah]
Kumar
Both.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
High Perspectives on Reality
Harold
Dude, we're so high right now!
Kumar
We're not low.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Encounters in Newark
Kumar
Now we're in Newark, of all places. You know we're gonna get shot.
Harold
Maybe it's not as bad as they say. Maybe it's just a bunch of hype.
Kumar
Check it out. Those guys look like a lame version of us.
Harold, Kumar
Holy shit!
Harold
Let's get the fuck outta here. Go! Go! Drive! Drive!
Kumar
Yeah, that was your fault.
Harold
Fuck you.
Kumar
Fuck you.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Discussion on Extremity in Sports
Sports Punk #1
Dude, that was so not extreme.
Cole
I know, Extreme Sports Punk Number One... I know.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Harold's Fast Food Order
Harold
I want 30 sliders, 5 french fries, and 4 large Cherry Cokes.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Reunion Amidst Chaos
Kumar
Rold? Is that you?
[from inside a heating duct at the police station, where Harold is in jail]
Harold
Kumar?
Kumar
Hey, are the cops still here?
Harold
What the hell are you doing?
Kumar
I just called and made up some story about a shooting in Millbrook Park.
Harold
Jesus Christ, what'd you do that for?
Kumar
I'm fucking starving. I figured I'd bust you out and we'd go get some burgers.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Car Theft by a Celebrity
Harold
Did Doogie Howser just steal my fucking car?
Kumar
Yes. I think he did.
Harold
You! You had to pick up a hitchhiker! Why?!
[starts screaming]
Kumar
Dude, I thought Neil Patrick Harris was a stand up guy. How was I supposed to know he'd fuck us over?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Desire for fulfillment and satisfaction
Harold
I want that.
Kumar
What? A Hot Dog Heaven super chili cheese dog?
Harold
No. I want that feeling. The feeling that comes over a man when he gets exactly what he desires. I need that feeling.
Kumar
Are you saying what I think you're saying?
Harold
We gotta go to White Castle.
Kumar
Yes! Yes! I knew you had it in you dude!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Kumar's Unfiltered Perspective on Attraction
Kumar Patel
So she's kinda fucking cute. Let her touch your penis.
[to Harold, about Cindy]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Consequences of Poor Decisions Among Friends
Kumar
Do you know what the hell we had to go through after you took the car?
Harris
Yeah, it was a dick move on my part. That's why I'm paying for your meal. Prick.
[looks down to count money, lowers voice]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Questioning the Location of a Car
Harold
Dude, where's my car?
Kumar
Where's his car, dude?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Misunderstandings and Humor in Friendships
Rosenberg
I think Kumar's a "fay-gele".
Goldstein
Oh, they're totally gay for each other.
Rosenberg
Hey, you wanna suck on this?
Goldstein
Uh-huh. Mmm.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Parental Expectations and Pressure in Career Choices
Dr. Patel
I will not tolerate this business from you any longer. You have one more interview tomorrow morning, and if I hear from Dr. Wein that you are anything short of spectacular, I'll completely cut you off!
Kumar
Dad, come on.
Dr. Patel
Daddy is not coming on anything! You will be there, and you will behave. I have put too much time and energy into you to let you go and fuck it all up!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Competitive Fast Food Craving
Harold
I am so hungry. I'm gonna eat, like, 20 of those burgers, man.
Kumar
Dude, fuckin I will see your 20 burgers and raise you 5 orders of fries.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Police Arrest Gang; Fugitives Still at Large
Anchor
Police in Cherry Hill, New Jersey, have just arrested a gang of hooligans who are suspected of terrorizing numerous strip malls and convenience stores. Officer Thurmond Brucks found their abandoned car, which contained a large bag of marijuana. And in other news, the Muckleburg police department are still looking for a fugitive who escaped from the police station last night with a companion believed to be his accomplice. Police have released sketches of the two fugitives which they believe to be extremely accurate.
Palumbo
I'm not a racist, all right? You mother . Those black mother won't get away with this, a'right?! So, falls to all y'all! Okay?! So you can suck my !
[upon being arrested for brutality and racism; bleep; bleep; bleep; bleep; bleep]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Risky Decision or a Smart Move?
Harold Lee
This is either a really smart move or by far the stupidest thing that we have ever tried.
[about to ride cheetah]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Craving White Castle Sparks Employee's Frustration
Burger Shack Employee
Ding-dong! May I interject for a second? As a Burger Shack employee for the past three years, if there's one thing I've learned, it's that if you're craving White Castle, the burgers here just don't cut it. In fact, just thinking about those tender little White Castle burgers with those little, itty-bitty grilled onions that just explode in your mouth like flavor crystals every time you bite into one... Just makes me wanna burn this motherfucker down.
Employee
Come on, Pookie! Let's burn this motherfucker down! Come on, Pookie! Let's burn it, Pookie! Let's burn this motherfucker down! Let's burn it down! Let's burn it! So you guys maybe should just suck it up and go to White Castle.
[starts destroying stuff; calms down]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Car Theft Accusation by Harold Lee
Harold Lee
Did Doogie Howser just steal my fucking car?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Disagreement Over Value of Food Purchase
Bradley
Here, that's sixt--80 bucks.
[Kumar trying to buy pot]
Kumar
80 bucks?
Bradley
Yeah, 80 bucks.
Kumar
Yo, this is worth 40 tops bro!
Bradley
Bro? I'm not your bro, bro. Okay, and that's 80 bucks. You don't feel like getting high tonight? If you don't feel like getting high, that's cool with me because there's lots of people around here. See this guy? Hey, what's up, George? I smoke buds with George all the time.
Kumar
What kind of a hippie are you?
Bradley
What kind of hippie am I? Man, I'm a business hippie, I understand the concept of supply and demand.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.