Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004) - Quotes

Harold's Fast Food Order

Harold: I want 30 sliders, 5 french fries, and 4 large Cherry Cokes.

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A Competitive Fast Food Craving

Harold: I am so hungry. I'm gonna eat, like, 20 of those burgers, man.

Kumar: Dude, fuckin I will see your 20 burgers and raise you 5 orders of fries.

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Ambivalence About Medical School Aspirations

Dr. Willoughby: Do you actually believe that after the way you've just behaved that I would even consider recommending you for admission?

Kumar: No. I'm gonna be honest with you. The only reason I'm applying is so my dad will keep paying for my apartment. I really don't have a desire to go to med school.

Dr. Willoughby: But you have perfect MCAT scores.

Kumar: Yeah, just cause you're hung like a moose doesn't mean you gotta do porn.

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Discussion on Movie Content and Objectification

Goldstein: Sorry, kids. We ain't goin nowhere. We're watching "The Gift". Supposedly Katie Holmes shows her titties in this movie.

Harold: Is that all you Jews ever think about? Tits?

Rosenberg: Katie Holmes is a nice, respectable, wholesome girl, and I'm gonna see her boobs.

Goldstein: The things I would eat out of her ass--you have no idea!

Rosenberg: Argh! That is a completely vulgar statement.

Goldstein: So is, "I wanna bang Britney Spears on the bathroom floor," but it's true.

Rosenberg: Touché.

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Perception of Reality and Altered States

Harold: [riding a cheetah] Dude, am I really high, or is this actually working?

Kumar: Both.

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Unexpected Uses for Scissors

Harold: Are those my scissors?! Dude, I trim my noise hair with those!

Kumar: [Harold stares at Kumar in shock and disbelief] Dude, I have been cutting my ass hair with them for the past six months.

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Unexpected Ingredients in Fast Food

Employee: You guys might have wanted to stay away from our special sauce tonight. Me and Pookie, we added a secret ingredient. I'll give you a hint. It's semen.

Harold: [smirks] Semen.

Employee: Animal semen.

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Craving White Castle Sparks Employee's Frustration

Burger Shack Employee: Ding-dong! May I interject for a second? As a Burger Shack employee for the past three years, if there's one thing I've learned, it's that if you're craving White Castle, the burgers here just don't cut it. In fact, just thinking about those tender little White Castle burgers with those little, itty-bitty grilled onions that just explode in your mouth like flavor crystals every time you bite into one... Just makes me wanna burn this motherfucker down.

Employee: [starts destroying stuff; calms down] Come on, Pookie! Let's burn this motherfucker down! Come on, Pookie! Let's burn it, Pookie! Let's burn this motherfucker down! Let's burn it down! Let's burn it! So you guys maybe should just suck it up and go to White Castle.

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Unexpected Encounters in Newark

Kumar: Now we're in Newark, of all places. You know we're gonna get shot.

Harold: Maybe it's not as bad as they say. Maybe it's just a bunch of hype.

Kumar: Check it out. Those guys look like a lame version of us.

Harold, Kumar: Holy shit!

Harold: Let's get the fuck outta here. Go! Go! Drive! Drive!

Kumar: Yeah, that was your fault.

Harold: Fuck you.

Kumar: Fuck you.

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High Perspectives on Reality

Harold: Dude, we're so high right now!

Kumar: We're not low.

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Disagreement Over Value of Food Purchase

Bradley: [Kumar trying to buy pot] Here, that's sixt--80 bucks.

Kumar: 80 bucks?

Bradley: Yeah, 80 bucks.

Kumar: Yo, this is worth 40 tops bro!

Bradley: Bro? I'm not your bro, bro. Okay, and that's 80 bucks. You don't feel like getting high tonight? If you don't feel like getting high, that's cool with me because there's lots of people around here. See this guy? Hey, what's up, George? I smoke buds with George all the time.

Kumar: What kind of a hippie are you?

Bradley: What kind of hippie am I? Man, I'm a business hippie, I understand the concept of supply and demand.

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Discussion on Extremity in Sports

Sports Punk #1: Dude, that was so not extreme.

Cole: I know, Extreme Sports Punk Number One... I know.

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Misunderstandings and Humor in Friendships

Rosenberg: I think Kumar's a "fay-gele".

Goldstein: Oh, they're totally gay for each other.

Rosenberg: Hey, you wanna suck on this?

Goldstein: Uh-huh. Mmm.

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The Pressure of Peer Expectations

Kumar: I can't believe you were gonna ditch for the Joy Luck Club, dude. You know what their parties are like.

Harold: C'mon, what did you want me to say? I was under pressure.

Kumar: Just say no. That's all it takes.

Kumar: Here.

Kumar: Take a hit of that.

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Parental Expectations and Pressure in Career Choices

Dr. Patel: I will not tolerate this business from you any longer. You have one more interview tomorrow morning, and if I hear from Dr. Wein that you are anything short of spectacular, I'll completely cut you off!

Kumar: Dad, come on.

Dr. Patel: Daddy is not coming on anything! You will be there, and you will behave. I have put too much time and energy into you to let you go and fuck it all up!

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Prioritizing Problems in Unusual Circumstances

Kumar: Well, you were out cold, I figured if I started doing some gay shit you'd wake up.

Harold: Didn't we come here on a cheetah? Where's the cheetah?

Harold: [shouts] What? How is that not the worse news!?

Kumar: [calmly] Well, the laptop situation really only affects you, where as the White Castle situation affects us both equally.

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Consequences of Poor Decisions Among Friends

Kumar: Do you know what the hell we had to go through after you took the car?

Harris: [looks down to count money, lowers voice] Yeah, it was a dick move on my part. That's why I'm paying for your meal. Prick.

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Questioning the Location of a Car

Harold: Dude, where's my car?

Kumar: Where's his car, dude?

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Unexpected Car Theft by a Celebrity

Harold: Did Doogie Howser just steal my fucking car?

Kumar: Yes. I think he did.

Harold: [starts screaming] You! You had to pick up a hitchhiker! Why?!

Kumar: Dude, I thought Neil Patrick Harris was a stand up guy. How was I supposed to know he'd fuck us over?

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Unexpected Adventures and Misguided Directions

Harold: Neil, you wouldn't happen to know how to get on the highway from here, would you?

Harris: Dude, I don't even know where the fuck I am right now. I was at this party earlier tonight and some guy hooked me up with this incredible "X"--next thing I know I'm being thrown out of a moving car. I've been trippin balls ever since.

Kumar: That's crazy, dude. We've been having a pretty crazy, night, too. We've just been driving around looking for White Castle but we keep getting sidetracked.

Harris: Yeah, dude, you fascinate me. Forget White Castle, let's go get some pussy.

Harold: Huh?

Harris: It's a fucking sausage fest in here, bros. Let's get some poon-tang. Then we'll go to White Castle.

Kumar: No, Neil, you don't understand. We've been craving these burgers all night.

Harris: [sings] Yeah, I've been craving burgers, too--fur burgers. Come on, dudes, let's pick up some trim at a strip club. The Doogie line always works on strippers. Lap-dance.

Kumar: [pause] There's a gas station. I'm gonna see if I can get some directions.

Harris: You don't need dir--gah. Hurry up, dudes, hurry up! I'm losing wood.

Harris: Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry.

Kumar: Look, chill.

Harold: We'll be right back, Neil.

Harold: Dude, what's the deal with Neil Patrick Harris? Why is he so horny?

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Desire for fulfillment and satisfaction

Harold: I want that.

Kumar: What? A Hot Dog Heaven super chili cheese dog?

Harold: No. I want that feeling. The feeling that comes over a man when he gets exactly what he desires. I need that feeling.

Kumar: Are you saying what I think you're saying?

Harold: We gotta go to White Castle.

Kumar: Yes! Yes! I knew you had it in you dude!

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Misunderstanding Leads to Unnecessary Panic

Martone: [notices the jail door keys in the jail door, and Tarik Jackson sitting inside the cell reading a book] Hey! Jackson's trying to escape!

Tarik: What are you talking about? I'm just sitting here.

Reilly: He's trying to break free! Get him!

Tarik: Aw, shit.

Martone: Don't move. Stop resisting! We need back up now! He's got a gun!

Tarik: That's not a gun, that's a book.

Reilly: Secure the book!

Palumbo: Book is secure. You bring this filth in here? What is this shit?!

A Frantic Search for Kumar's Location

Kumar: [sniffs] Hey, what's that smell?

Harold: What smell? Kumar.

Harold: Hey Kumar! Kumar! Where are you--?

Harold: Kumar! Still in jail, asshole! Come here!

Unexpected Reunion Amidst Chaos

Kumar: [from inside a heating duct at the police station, where Harold is in jail] Rold? Is that you?

Harold: Kumar?

Kumar: Hey, are the cops still here?

Harold: What the hell are you doing?

Kumar: I just called and made up some story about a shooting in Millbrook Park.

Harold: Jesus Christ, what'd you do that for?

Kumar: I'm fucking starving. I figured I'd bust you out and we'd go get some burgers.

Philosophical Reflection on Life's Unfolding

Harold: The universe tends to unfold as it should.

Kumar: What is that? Some fortune cookie?

Confronting Racial Stereotypes and Injustice

Harold: So, what are you in here for?

Tarik: For bein black.

Harold: Seriously?

Tarik: I am serious. Wanna know what happened?

Tarik: [[w: Barnes and Noble|Barnes and Noble; [w:Newark, New Jersey|Newark] I was walkin out of a ], and the cop stops me. Now, evidently, a black guy robbed a store in ]. I told him, "I haven't even been to Newark in months". So he starts beatin me with his gun, telling me to stop resisting arrest.

Harold: Holy shit. What'd you do?

Tarik: I kept sayin': "I understand I'm under arrest. Now, please stop beatin me!".

Harold: I don't understand how you can be so calm about all this.

Tarik: Look at me. I'm fat, black, can't dance, and I have 2 gay fathers. People have been messin with me my whole life. I learned a long time ago that there's no sense gettin all riled up every time a bunch of idiots give you a hard time. In the end, the universe tends to unfold as it should. Plus, I have a really large penis. That keeps me happy.

Police Arrest Gang; Fugitives Still at Large

Anchor: Police in Cherry Hill, New Jersey, have just arrested a gang of hooligans who are suspected of terrorizing numerous strip malls and convenience stores. Officer Thurmond Brucks found their abandoned car, which contained a large bag of marijuana. And in other news, the Muckleburg police department are still looking for a fugitive who escaped from the police station last night with a companion believed to be his accomplice. Police have released sketches of the two fugitives which they believe to be extremely accurate.

Palumbo: [upon being arrested for brutality and racism; bleep; bleep; bleep; bleep; bleep] I'm not a racist, all right? You mother . Those black mother won't get away with this, a'right?! So, falls to all y'all! Okay?! So you can suck my !