Hitch (2005) - Quotes

Misunderstandings in a Speed Dating Encounter

Sara: Why don't you go hit a titty bar with your buddy, Vance?

Hitch: ...Wow, I don't believe this... That's your source?

Sara: You buried yourself, Alex.

Hitch: Then you weren't listening.

Sara: I heard every word. You're a scam artist. You trick women into getting...

Hitch: ... Into getting out of their own way so great guys like Albert Brennaman have a fighting chance.

Speed Dating Host: Ok...

Hitch: [gestures at speed-dating scene] No, no, I want -— I want everybody to take a look at this right now! Because this — this right here — this is exactly why falling in love is so goddamn hard!

Speed Dating Host: Sir, let's go. Now.

Hitch: [while leaving] And Vance Munson is a pig! And I refused to work with him. You need to get your facts right. It's because of jerks like him that I even have a job! Had a job.

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Confrontation Over Understanding the Truth

Sara: My job is to try to find the truth!

Hitch: The truth?! You wouldn't know the truth if it kicked you in the head!

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The Fear Behind Emotional Guardedness

Max: Louise made an interesting observation on the way home the other night; She said, "People who are guarded are afraid that you can see right through them. That's why they hide behind layers of secrecy or humor.

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The Importance of First Impressions in Romance

Hitch: So, tell me about her.

Vance: Have you ever met someone, and you knew right away she was gonna be important to you? Not just because of her looks, but that X factor?

Hitch: How'd you meet her?

Vance: Actually, I was in a shop buying pajamas for my mom-

Hitch: And by that, of course, you mean you were buying lingerie for another woman.

Vance: Yes. You can't help where you meet somebody. And the lingerie is for a woman I'm no longer seeing... But anyway, the girl I met, the one I was talking about... She's so sweet, funny, Southern. She gives me her number... Now she won't return my phone calls. I don't know what it is about her. I just can't get her out of my mind. You know? Food has lost its taste. Colors, they seem dull. Things that used to matter... I don't know, they just no longer do. I think things aren't gonna snap back unless I... Unless I bang her.

Hitch: ...Excuse me?

Vance: You know, bang her. Clear my head. Get in, get off, get out.

Hitch: ...I think you may have misunderstood what I do, exactly.

Vance: [taken back] No, I was told that you help guys get in there!

Hitch: Right, but see, here's the thing - my clients actually like women. "Hit it and quit it" is not my thing.

Vance: Let me make one thing clear to you, rabbi, I need professional help.

Hitch: Well, that is for damn certain. And I'm glad you can admit it because generally, that's the hardest part.

Vance: [grabs Hitch by the wrist] You see what I'm doing? This is what I'm about - power suit, power tie, power steering. People can wince, cry, beg, but eventually they do what I want.

Hitch: [not intimidated] Oh! So that's, like, a metaphor?

Vance: Oh, yeah.

Hitch: [he reverses the grip, twists Vance's arm back and slams him on the table] Right. Well, see, I'm more of a literal kind of guy. So when I do this... This is more like me saying that I will literally break your shit off if you ever touch me again. Mmkay, pumpkin?

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Understanding Signals in Romantic Encounters

Hitch: Now, on the one hand, it is very difficult for a man to even speak to someone who looks like you. But, on the other hand, should that be your problem?

Sara: So life's kind of hard all around.

Hitch: Not if you pay attention. I mean, you're sending all the right signals - no earrings, heels under two inches, your hair is pulled back, you're wearing reading glasses with no book, drinking a Grey Goose martini, which means you had a hell of a week and a beer just wouldn't do it. And if that wasn't clear enough, there's always the "fuck off" that you have stamped on your forehead. because who is going to believe there is a man out there that can sit down beside a woman he doesn't know and genuinely be interested in who she is, what she does, without his own personal agenda?

Sara: Yeah, I wouldn't even know what that would look like. So what would a guy like that say?

Hitch: Well, he'd say, "My name is Alex Hitchens and I'm a consultant," but she wouldn't be interested in that because she would be just counting the seconds until he left...

Sara: ... Thinking he was like every other guy...

Hitch: ... Which life experience has taught her is a virtual certainty... but then he'd ask her name, and what she did for a living and she might blow him off, or she might say... ?

Sara: I'm Sara Melas and I run the gossip column at The Standard." Then he would ask all these penetrating questions about it because he's sincerely, if atypically, interested...

Hitch: No.

Sara: No?

Hitch: He'd be interested... but he would see that there was no way of possibly making her realize, that he was for real.

Sara: Ah...He could be funny, and charming, and refreshingly original.

Hitch: Wouldn't help.

Sara: Don't ya hate it when that happens?

Hitch: Not really... they'd probably both lead the lives they were headed toward, and my guess is... they'd do just fine. It's a pleasure to have met you, Sara Melas.

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Introduction of Chip's Name

Sara: What's your name?

Chip: They call me Chip.

Sara: Aw, you can't get em to stop?

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Cynicism and Realism in Relationships

Max: Spoken like a true cynic. Evan was here

Sara: I'm not a cynic, I'm a realist!

Max: [to the room] Or a realist masquerading as a cynic who is secretly an optimist. What are you doing here? What is she doing here?

Sara: SHE works here, remember?!

Max: No, she doesn't. Not for another four days. Go home.

Sara: Well, this couldn't wait.

Max: Of course it could... what are you doing? Go back to the beach, I don't want you here.

Sara: No, really, you do.

Max: You are becoming a sick workaholic lunatic.. and this is exactly the kind of nervous overwrought behavior that leads to...

Sara: ... Pictures of Sebby with a busty brunette.

Max: ... A very, very big raise.

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A Conversation on Sanity and Acceptance

Hitch: You are flat out, out of your mind, you know that?

Albert: I know.

Hitch: That's good!

Albert: It is?

Hitch: Yeah. You ever heard of Michelangelo? The Sistine Chapel?

Albert: Yeah.

Hitch: [Gestures towards himself; Gestures towards Albert] Michelangelo. The Sistine Chapel.

Albert: Does this mean you can do this?

Hitch: My name's Alex Hitchens. Let's go paint that ceiling.

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Contrasting Perspectives on Romantic Preferences

Hitch: Allegra? As in "Allegra Cole"?

Albert: I realize I'm not her usual kinda guy.

Hitch: Well her last boyfriend like... owned Sweden, or something!

Albert: Yeah, and he was a bum.... I mean he didn't seem like a very nice person... to me.

Hitch: You... you swing for the fence!

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Pizza Making Instructions from Albert

Albert: [showing Hitch his dance moves] Do the Q-tip! Q-tip! Now throw it away! Now what am I doing? I'm makin a pizza!

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Inevitability of Certain Events

Albert: [shouts] You can't stop it... You cannot stop it...

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A Lifetime of Anticipation for Misery

Albert: I've waited my entire life to be this miserable.

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The Pain of Unrequited Love

Albert: You know what it's like getting up every morning feeling hopeless? Feeling like the love of your life is waking up with the wrong man? But, at the same time hoping that she still finds happiness, even if it's never going to be with you?

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Clarity Amidst Deception and Confusion

Sara Melas: Sometimes it's really hard to see the forest through the sleaze.

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Appreciating a Beautiful Day

Sara Melas: Can you believe what a beautiful day it is?

A Request for Future Communication

Sara Melas: [Laughs] Give me a ring... sometime. I mean, on the phone.

Relationships and Expectations in Life

Sara Melas: Relationships are for people who are waiting for something better to come along.

The Illusion of Relationship Principles

Alex "Hitch" Hitchens: [last lines] Basic principles - there are none.

Expectations versus reality in relationships

Alex "Hitch" Hitchens: I saw that going differently in my mind.

Emotional Resilience and Personal Barriers

Alex "Hitch" Hitchens: I'm like a vault baby, locked down!

The Challenges of Getting It Right

Alex "Hitch" Hitchens: I'm a guy. Since when do we get anything right the first time?

The Leap of Faith in Love

Alex "Hitch" Hitchens: Because that's what people do. They leap, and hope to God they can fly, because otherwise you just drop like a rock, wondering the whole way down, why in the hell did I jump? But here I am, Sara, falling, and there's only one person who makes me feel like I can fly... That's you.

The Importance of First Impressions in Romance

Alex "Hitch" Hitchens: One dance, one look, one kiss, that's all we get, Albert. Just one shot, to make the difference between "happily ever after" and “Oh? He’s just some guy I went to some thing with once.”

The Importance of Authenticity in Relationships

Alex "Hitch" Hitchens: With no guile, and no game... there’s no girl

Understanding Women's Nonverbal Communication in Dating

Alex "Hitch" Hitchens: Basic Principles - no woman wakes up saying "God, I hope I don't get swept off my feet today." Now, she might say: "This is a really bad time for me," or, something like... "I just need some space." Or, my personal favorite: "I'm really into my career right now." You believe that? Neither does she. You know why? Cause she's lying to you, that's why. You understand me? Lying. It's not a bad time for her. She doesn't need any space. And she may be into her career, but what she's really saying is "Uh, get away from me now." Or possibly "Try harder, stupid." Well which one is it? 60% of all human communication is nonverbal. Body language; 30% is your tone. So that means 90% of what you're saying ain't coming out of your mouth. Of course she's going to lie to you. She's a nice person. She doesn't want to hurt your feelings. What else she going to say? She doesn't even know you... yet. Luckily, the fact is that just like the rest of us, even a beautiful woman doesn't know what she wants until she sees it, and that's where I come in. My job is to open her eyes. Basic Principles - no matter what, no matter when, no matter who... any man has a chance to sweep any woman off her feet; he just needs the right broom.

The Unpredictability of Great Love

Alex "Hitch" Hitchens: So how does it happen, great love? Nobody knows... but what I can tell you is that it happens in the blink of an eye. One moment you're enjoying your life, and the next you're wondering how you ever lived without them.

Start Each Day with Intention

Alex "Hitch" Hitchens: Begin each day as if it were on purpose.

The Essence of Perseverance Explained

Alex "Hitch" Hitchens: Do you know the definition of "perseverance," Miss Melas? Continuing in a course of action... without regard to discouragement, opposition or previous failure.

Guidance on Love and Life Choices

Alex "Hitch" Hitchens: Never lie, steal, cheat, or drink. But if you must lie, lie in the arms of the one you love. If you must steal, steal away from bad company. If you must cheat, cheat death. And if you must drink, drink in the moments that take your breath away.