Hitch Quotes

Sara Melas Relationships are for people who are waiting for something better to come along.

Alex "Hitch" Hitchens Basic principles - there are none.

Sara Melas Give me a ring... sometime. I mean, on the phone.

Alex "Hitch" Hitchens With no guile, and no game... there’s no girl

Alex "Hitch" Hitchens I'm like a vault baby, locked down!

Albert You know what it's like getting up every morning feeling hopeless? Feeling like the love of your life is waking up with the wrong man? But, at the same time hoping that she still finds happiness, even if it's never going to be with you?

Alex "Hitch" Hitchens Begin each day as if it were on purpose.

Albert I've waited my entire life to be this miserable.

Albert Do the Q-tip! Q-tip! Now throw it away! Now what am I doing? I'm makin a pizza!

Alex "Hitch" Hitchens Basic Principles - no woman wakes up saying "God, I hope I don't get swept off my feet today." Now, she might say: "This is a really bad time for me," or, something like... "I just need some space." Or, my personal favorite: "I'm really into my career right now." You believe that? Neither does she. You know why? Cause she's lying to you, that's why. You understand me? Lying. It's not a bad time for her. She doesn't need any space. And she may be into her career, but what she's really saying is "Uh, get away from me now." Or possibly "Try harder, stupid." Well which one is it? 60% of all human communication is nonverbal. Body language; 30% is your tone. So that means 90% of what you're saying ain't coming out of your mouth. Of course she's going to lie to you. She's a nice person. She doesn't want to hurt your feelings. What else she going to say? She doesn't even know you... yet. Luckily, the fact is that just like the rest of us, even a beautiful woman doesn't know what she wants until she sees it, and that's where I come in. My job is to open her eyes. Basic Principles - no matter what, no matter when, no matter who... any man has a chance to sweep any woman off her feet; he just needs the right broom.

Sara My job is to try to find the truth!

Hitch The truth?! You wouldn't know the truth if it kicked you in the head!

Albert You can't stop it... You cannot stop it...

Alex "Hitch" Hitchens One dance, one look, one kiss, that's all we get, Albert. Just one shot, to make the difference between "happily ever after" and “Oh? He’s just some guy I went to some thing with once.”

Alex "Hitch" Hitchens So how does it happen, great love? Nobody knows... but what I can tell you is that it happens in the blink of an eye. One moment you're enjoying your life, and the next you're wondering how you ever lived without them.

Alex "Hitch" Hitchens I saw that going differently in my mind.

Alex "Hitch" Hitchens Because that's what people do. They leap, and hope to God they can fly, because otherwise you just drop like a rock, wondering the whole way down, why in the hell did I jump? But here I am, Sara, falling, and there's only one person who makes me feel like I can fly... That's you.

Max Louise made an interesting observation on the way home the other night; She said, "People who are guarded are afraid that you can see right through them. That's why they hide behind layers of secrecy or humor.

Alex "Hitch" Hitchens Never lie, steal, cheat, or drink. But if you must lie, lie in the arms of the one you love. If you must steal, steal away from bad company. If you must cheat, cheat death. And if you must drink, drink in the moments that take your breath away.

Sara What's your name?

Chip They call me Chip.

Sara Aw, you can't get em to stop?

Sara Melas Sometimes it's really hard to see the forest through the sleaze.

Hitch You are flat out, out of your mind, you know that?

Albert I know.

Hitch That's good!

Albert It is?

Hitch Yeah. You ever heard of Michelangelo? The Sistine Chapel?

Albert Yeah.

Hitch Michelangelo. The Sistine Chapel.

Albert Does this mean you can do this?

Hitch My name's Alex Hitchens. Let's go paint that ceiling.

Sara Melas Can you believe what a beautiful day it is?

Alex "Hitch" Hitchens Do you know the definition of "perseverance," Miss Melas? Continuing in a course of action... without regard to discouragement, opposition or previous failure.

Max Spoken like a true cynic. Evan was here

Sara I'm not a cynic, I'm a realist!

Max Or a realist masquerading as a cynic who is secretly an optimist. What are you doing here? What is she doing here?

Sara SHE works here, remember?!

Max No, she doesn't. Not for another four days. Go home.

Sara Well, this couldn't wait.

Max Of course it could... what are you doing? Go back to the beach, I don't want you here.

Sara No, really, you do.

Max You are becoming a sick workaholic lunatic.. and this is exactly the kind of nervous overwrought behavior that leads to...

Sara ... Pictures of Sebby with a busty brunette.

Max ... A very, very big raise.

Alex "Hitch" Hitchens I'm a guy. Since when do we get anything right the first time?

Sara Why don't you go hit a titty bar with your buddy, Vance?

Hitch ...Wow, I don't believe this... That's your source?

Sara You buried yourself, Alex.

Hitch Then you weren't listening.

Sara I heard every word. You're a scam artist. You trick women into getting...

Hitch ... Into getting out of their own way so great guys like Albert Brennaman have a fighting chance.

Speed Dating Host Ok...

Hitch No, no, I want -— I want everybody to take a look at this right now! Because this — this right here — this is exactly why falling in love is so goddamn hard!

Speed Dating Host Sir, let's go. Now.

Hitch And Vance Munson is a pig! And I refused to work with him. You need to get your facts right. It's because of jerks like him that I even have a job! Had a job.

Hitch Allegra? As in "Allegra Cole"?

Albert I realize I'm not her usual kinda guy.

Hitch Well her last boyfriend like... owned Sweden, or something!

Albert Yeah, and he was a bum.... I mean he didn't seem like a very nice person... to me.

Hitch You... you swing for the fence!

Alex "Hitch" Hitchens Life is not about the breaths you take, but it’s the moments that take your breath away.

Hitch So, tell me about her.

Vance Have you ever met someone, and you knew right away she was gonna be important to you? Not just because of her looks, but that X factor?

Hitch How'd you meet her?

Vance Actually, I was in a shop buying pajamas for my mom-

Hitch And by that, of course, you mean you were buying lingerie for another woman.

Vance Yes. You can't help where you meet somebody. And the lingerie is for a woman I'm no longer seeing... But anyway, the girl I met, the one I was talking about... She's so sweet, funny, Southern. She gives me her number... Now she won't return my phone calls. I don't know what it is about her. I just can't get her out of my mind. You know? Food has lost its taste. Colors, they seem dull. Things that used to matter... I don't know, they just no longer do. I think things aren't gonna snap back unless I... Unless I bang her.

Hitch ...Excuse me?

Vance You know, bang her. Clear my head. Get in, get off, get out.

Hitch ...I think you may have misunderstood what I do, exactly.

Vance No, I was told that you help guys get in there!

Hitch Right, but see, here's the thing - my clients actually like women. "Hit it and quit it" is not my thing.

Vance Let me make one thing clear to you, rabbi, I need professional help.

Hitch Well, that is for damn certain. And I'm glad you can admit it because generally, that's the hardest part.

Vance You see what I'm doing? This is what I'm about - power suit, power tie, power steering. People can wince, cry, beg, but eventually they do what I want.

Hitch Oh! So that's, like, a metaphor?

Vance Oh, yeah.

Hitch Right. Well, see, I'm more of a literal kind of guy. So when I do this... This is more like me saying that I will literally break your shit off if you ever touch me again. Mmkay, pumpkin?

Hitch Now, on the one hand, it is very difficult for a man to even speak to someone who looks like you. But, on the other hand, should that be your problem?

Sara So life's kind of hard all around.

Hitch Not if you pay attention. I mean, you're sending all the right signals - no earrings, heels under two inches, your hair is pulled back, you're wearing reading glasses with no book, drinking a Grey Goose martini, which means you had a hell of a week and a beer just wouldn't do it. And if that wasn't clear enough, there's always the "fuck off" that you have stamped on your forehead. because who is going to believe there is a man out there that can sit down beside a woman he doesn't know and genuinely be interested in who she is, what she does, without his own personal agenda?

Sara Yeah, I wouldn't even know what that would look like. So what would a guy like that say?

Hitch Well, he'd say, "My name is Alex Hitchens and I'm a consultant," but she wouldn't be interested in that because she would be just counting the seconds until he left...

Sara ... Thinking he was like every other guy...

Hitch ... Which life experience has taught her is a virtual certainty... but then he'd ask her name, and what she did for a living and she might blow him off, or she might say... ?

Sara I'm Sara Melas and I run the gossip column at The Standard." Then he would ask all these penetrating questions about it because he's sincerely, if atypically, interested...

Hitch No.

Sara No?

Hitch He'd be interested... but he would see that there was no way of possibly making her realize, that he was for real.

Sara Ah...He could be funny, and charming, and refreshingly original.

Hitch Wouldn't help.

Sara Don't ya hate it when that happens?

Hitch Not really... they'd probably both lead the lives they were headed toward, and my guess is... they'd do just fine. It's a pleasure to have met you, Sara Melas.