Intolerable Cruelty (2003) - Quotes

Invitation to Present a Proposal

Freddy Bender: If you have a proposal to make, let's hear it.

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Discussion About Utensils in Context

Wrigley: What do you think?

Miles Massey: What are they, ladles?

Wrigley: Berry spoons.

Miles Massey: Spoons?

Wrigley: Berry spoons. Everybody has spoons.

Miles Massey: And nobody *needs* berry spoons.

Wrigley: Everybody eats berries.

Miles Massey: Who are you, Pollyanna? Where'd you see em at? A Martha Stewart catalog right next to the silver napkin rings? Stadium seat ass-warmers?

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Sentimentality and Naming in Relationships

Marylin Rexroth: Ow. Howard.

Miles Massey: Howard. You named him after your ex.

Marylin Rexroth: I'm sentimental.

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Questioning Motives in Relationships and Money

Marylin Rexroth: They bought Massey's argument. If I lied or cheated and was with Rex only for his money, then he shouldn't have to give me any.

Sarah Sorkin: Well, that makes no sense. Why else would you put in all those years?

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Emotional Turmoil and Legal Indifference

Marylin Rexroth: I'm devastated. Completely devastated.

Freddy Bender: No further questions.

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Courtroom Seating and Legal Procedures

Rex Rexroth: Have you sat before her before?

Miles Massey: No. No, the judge sits first. Then we sit.

Rex Rexroth: Well, have you sat after her before?

Wrigley: Sat after her before? You mean, have we argued before her before?

Miles Massey: The judge sits in judgment. The counsel argues before the judge.

Rex Rexroth: So, have you argued before her before?

Wrigley: Before her before, or before she sat before?

Rex Rexroth: Before her before. I said, before her before.

Wrigley: No, you said before she sat before.

Rex Rexroth: I did at first, but...

Miles Massey: Look, don't argue.

Rex Rexroth: I'm not. I'm...

Wrigley: No, you don't argue. We argue.

Miles Massey: Counsel argues.

Wrigley: You appear.

Miles Massey: The judge sits.

Wrigley: Then you sit.

Miles Massey: Or you stand in contempt.

Wrigley: And then we argue.

Miles Massey: The counsel argues.

Rex Rexroth: Which you've done before.

Miles Massey: Which we've done before.

Rex Rexroth: Ah.

Wrigley: But not before her.

Wrigley: Rex, sit!

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Misunderstandings Over a Simple Salad Order

Wrigley: Uh, I'll just have a, um, salad, please. Um, baby field greens.

Nero's Waitress: What did you call me?

Wrigley: Uh, no, I-I... I-I didn't call you anything.

Nero's Waitress: You want a salad?

Wrigley: Yeah. Do you... Do you have a, uh, green salad?

Nero's Waitress: What the fuck color would it be?

Wrigley: Why are we eating here?

Nero's Waitress: What's his problem?

Miles Massey: Just bring him an iceberg lettuce and a mealy tomato wedge smothered with French Dressing.

Nero's Waitress: And for you?

Miles Massey: Ham sandwich on stale rye bread. Lots of mayo, easy on the ham.

Nero's Waitress: Slaw Cup?

Miles Massey: What the hell.

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Invention of the Intruder Device Discussed

Mrs. Gutman: Sometimes there would be a gizmo.

Mrs. Gutman's Lawyer: A gizmo?

Mrs. Gutman: He had a device he called the Intruder. It was something he had the engineers at the factory design. And then he had a prototype built out of the parts from our vacuum cleaner.

Mrs. Gutman's Lawyer: I see.

Mrs. Gutman: So the vacuum cleaner wasn't available to me for several months.

Mrs. Gutman's Lawyer: Several months without the appliance.

Mrs. Gutman: Yes.

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Objection to Poetry in Courtroom Dialogue

Miles Massey: Dismiss your vows, your feigned tears, your flattery, for where a heart is hard, they make no battery..." Mrs. Rexroth, do you know those lines?

Freddy Bender: Objection, your honor.

Judge Marva Munson: Grounds?

Freddy Bender: Uh... poetry recitation.

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Misunderstandings About Hired Assassins Unfold

Miles Massey: I guess, something inside of me died, when I realized that you'd hired a goon to kill me.

Marylin Rexroth: Wait a minute. You hired him to kill me.

Freddy Bender: No. Both of you wait a minute. Nobody hired anyone to kill anyone.

Wrigley: Hear, hear.

Freddy Bender: Apparently, from what I can gather, a burglar broke into your house-

Wrigley: Miles house.

Freddy Bender: Whatever. A burglar broke in intending to loot the place, uh, repented, became despondent over his lifestyle and shot himself.

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Tact and Wealth in Unconventional Conversations

Gus Petch: You want tact, call a tactician! You want ass nailed, you call Gus Petch. Christ, you seem to be taking this pretty good. I have seen them come in here weeping like Baptists at a funeral, like they hired me to prove their husbands weren't fooling around.

Marylin Rexroth: Don't get me wrong Mr.....

Gus Petch: Petch. Gus Petch.

Marylin Rexroth: Whilst I don't find this terribly entertaining, I'm delighted you found this material. This will be my passport to wealth, independence and freedom.

Gus Petch: [Amused] Sounds like to me, you gonna nail his ass.

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A Challenge of Marital Infidelity

Miles Massey: So you propose, that in spite demonstrable infidelity on your part, your unoffending wife should be tossed out on her rear.

Rex: Is it possible?

Miles Massey: It's a challenge.

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Judge Allows Unusual Witness Examination

Freddy Bender: Objection, Your Honor: strangling the witness!

Judge Marva Munson: I'm going to allow it.

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Navigating Marital Challenges with Humor

Rex: My wife has me between a rock and a hard place.

Miles Massey: That's her job. You should respect that.

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Introduction to a Foolish Character

The Baron: [Pointing to Rex Rexroth] I introduced her to that silly man.

A Baron Asserts His Identity

The Baron: I am a baron you silly man!

A Curious Inquiry About Bones

The Baron: Has any one got some bones?

Unexpected Consequences in Intolerable Cruelty

Bonnie Donaly: You should have seen this coming you Australian piece of shit!

The Complexity of Law and Its Application

Herb Myerson: I'm going to talk to you about the law. We serve the law. We honor the law. And sometimes, we obey the law. But this is not one of those times.

A Call for Justification and Explanation

Donovan Donaly: Explain this away, darling!

The Cost of Love and Wealth

Wrigley: Why kill the only woman you've ever loved when she's the richer party.

A Failed Attempt at Persuasion

Wrigley: [Wheezy Joe has just accidentally shot himself] Told him it was no go...

Value of Home vs. Medical Necessities

Wrigley: Who needs a home when you have a colostomy bag

Humorous Commentary on Unusual Interests

Gus Petch: You didnt tell me they had a hard-on for anus africanus!

A Determined Declaration of Intent

Gus Petch: [repeated line] I'm gonna nail your ass!

Gus Petch on Expertise and Directness

Gus Petch: You want tact, call a tactician. You want an ass nailed, you call Gus Petch.

A Marriage's Bitter End and Revenge

Marylin Rexroth: I've invested five good years in my marriage to Rex and I've nailed his ass fair and square. Now I'm going to have it stuffed, mounted, and have my lady friends come over and throw darts at it.