31 quotes
Questioning Motives in Relationships and Money
Marylin Rexroth
They bought Massey's argument. If I lied or cheated and was with Rex only for his money, then he shouldn't have to give me any.
Sarah Sorkin
Well, that makes no sense. Why else would you put in all those years?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Invitation to Present a Proposal
Freddy Bender
If you have a proposal to make, let's hear it.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Failed Attempt at Persuasion
Wrigley
Told him it was no go...
[Wheezy Joe has just accidentally shot himself]
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A Curious Inquiry About Bones
The Baron
Has any one got some bones?
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Tact and Wealth in Unconventional Conversations
Gus Petch
You want tact, call a tactician! You want ass nailed, you call Gus Petch. Christ, you seem to be taking this pretty good. I have seen them come in here weeping like Baptists at a funeral, like they hired me to prove their husbands weren't fooling around.
Marylin Rexroth
Don't get me wrong Mr.....
Gus Petch
Petch. Gus Petch.
Marylin Rexroth
Whilst I don't find this terribly entertaining, I'm delighted you found this material. This will be my passport to wealth, independence and freedom.
Gus Petch
Sounds like to me, you gonna nail his ass.
[Amused]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Disappointing Culinary Comparison
Miles Massey
Ham sandwich on stale rye bread. Lots of mayo, easy on the ham.
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A Marriage's Bitter End and Revenge
Marylin Rexroth
I've invested five good years in my marriage to Rex and I've nailed his ass fair and square. Now I'm going to have it stuffed, mounted, and have my lady friends come over and throw darts at it.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Introduction to a Foolish Character
The Baron
I introduced her to that silly man.
[Pointing to Rex Rexroth]
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Judge Allows Unusual Witness Examination
Freddy Bender
Objection, Your Honor: strangling the witness!
Judge Marva Munson
I'm going to allow it.
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Misunderstandings About Hired Assassins Unfold
Miles Massey
I guess, something inside of me died, when I realized that you'd hired a goon to kill me.
Marylin Rexroth
Wait a minute. You hired him to kill me.
Freddy Bender
No. Both of you wait a minute. Nobody hired anyone to kill anyone.
Wrigley
Hear, hear.
Freddy Bender
Apparently, from what I can gather, a burglar broke into your house-
Wrigley
Miles house.
Freddy Bender
Whatever. A burglar broke in intending to loot the place, uh, repented, became despondent over his lifestyle and shot himself.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Complexity of Law and Its Application
Herb Myerson
I'm going to talk to you about the law. We serve the law. We honor the law. And sometimes, we obey the law. But this is not one of those times.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Statement of Intrigue and Interest
Miles Massey
You fascinate me.
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A Baron Asserts His Identity
The Baron
I am a baron you silly man!
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A Call for Justification and Explanation
Donovan Donaly
Explain this away, darling!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Consequences in Intolerable Cruelty
Bonnie Donaly
You should have seen this coming you Australian piece of shit!
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A Challenge of Marital Infidelity
Miles Massey
So you propose, that in spite demonstrable infidelity on your part, your unoffending wife should be tossed out on her rear.
Rex
Is it possible?
Miles Massey
It's a challenge.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Objection to Poetry in Courtroom Dialogue
Miles Massey
Dismiss your vows, your feigned tears, your flattery, for where a heart is hard, they make no battery..." Mrs. Rexroth, do you know those lines?
Freddy Bender
Objection, your honor.
Judge Marva Munson
Grounds?
Freddy Bender
Uh... poetry recitation.
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The Cost of Love and Wealth
Wrigley
Why kill the only woman you've ever loved when she's the richer party.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Emotional Turmoil and Legal Indifference
Marylin Rexroth
I'm devastated. Completely devastated.
Freddy Bender
No further questions.
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Gus Petch on Expertise and Directness
Gus Petch
You want tact, call a tactician. You want an ass nailed, you call Gus Petch.
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Humorous Commentary on Unusual Interests
Gus Petch
You didnt tell me they had a hard-on for anus africanus!
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Acknowledge Limitations of Knowledge
Miles Massey
Sorry. I'm not omniscient.
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Courtroom Seating and Legal Procedures
Rex Rexroth
Have you sat before her before?
Miles Massey
No. No, the judge sits first. Then we sit.
Rex Rexroth
Well, have you sat after her before?
Wrigley
Sat after her before? You mean, have we argued before her before?
Miles Massey
The judge sits in judgment. The counsel argues before the judge.
Rex Rexroth
So, have you argued before her before?
Wrigley
Before her before, or before she sat before?
Rex Rexroth
Before her before. I said, before her before.
Wrigley
No, you said before she sat before.
Rex Rexroth
I did at first, but...
Miles Massey
Look, don't argue.
Rex Rexroth
I'm not. I'm...
Wrigley
No, you don't argue. We argue.
Miles Massey
Counsel argues.
Wrigley
You appear.
Miles Massey
The judge sits.
Wrigley
Then you sit.
Miles Massey
Or you stand in contempt.
Wrigley
And then we argue.
Miles Massey
The counsel argues.
Rex Rexroth
Which you've done before.
Miles Massey
Which we've done before.
Rex Rexroth
Ah.
Wrigley
But not before her.
Wrigley
Rex, sit!
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Discussion About Utensils in Context
Wrigley
What do you think?
Miles Massey
What are they, ladles?
Wrigley
Berry spoons.
Miles Massey
Spoons?
Wrigley
Berry spoons. Everybody has spoons.
Miles Massey
And nobody *needs* berry spoons.
Wrigley
Everybody eats berries.
Miles Massey
Who are you, Pollyanna? Where'd you see em at? A Martha Stewart catalog right next to the silver napkin rings? Stadium seat ass-warmers?
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Baron Identifies Rex Rexroth as Silly Man
Miles Massey
Let the record show that the Baron has identified Rex Rexroth as the silly man!
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Misunderstandings Over a Simple Salad Order
Wrigley
Uh, I'll just have a, um, salad, please. Um, baby field greens.
Nero's Waitress
What did you call me?
Wrigley
Uh, no, I-I... I-I didn't call you anything.
Nero's Waitress
You want a salad?
Wrigley
Yeah. Do you... Do you have a, uh, green salad?
Nero's Waitress
What the fuck color would it be?
Wrigley
Why are we eating here?
Nero's Waitress
What's his problem?
Miles Massey
Just bring him an iceberg lettuce and a mealy tomato wedge smothered with French Dressing.
Nero's Waitress
And for you?
Miles Massey
Ham sandwich on stale rye bread. Lots of mayo, easy on the ham.
Nero's Waitress
Slaw Cup?
Miles Massey
What the hell.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Determined Declaration of Intent
Gus Petch
I'm gonna nail your ass!
[repeated line]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Navigating Marital Challenges with Humor
Rex
My wife has me between a rock and a hard place.
Miles Massey
That's her job. You should respect that.
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Sentimentality and Naming in Relationships
Marylin Rexroth
Ow. Howard.
Miles Massey
Howard. You named him after your ex.
Marylin Rexroth
I'm sentimental.
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Invention of the Intruder Device Discussed
Mrs. Gutman
Sometimes there would be a gizmo.
Mrs. Gutman's Lawyer
A gizmo?
Mrs. Gutman
He had a device he called the Intruder. It was something he had the engineers at the factory design. And then he had a prototype built out of the parts from our vacuum cleaner.
Mrs. Gutman's Lawyer
I see.
Mrs. Gutman
So the vacuum cleaner wasn't available to me for several months.
Mrs. Gutman's Lawyer
Several months without the appliance.
Mrs. Gutman
Yes.
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Value of Home vs. Medical Necessities
Wrigley
Who needs a home when you have a colostomy bag
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