29 quotes
The Value of Intuition in Spying
Johnny English
A good agent doesn't need gadgets. The only gadgets I've ever needed are a sharp eye, a finely tuned ear and a slightly bigger brain than is strictly necessary.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Secret Agent No One Knows About
Taglines
He's the kind of secret agent the Secret Service keeps secret.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Secure Location in England
Funeral Officer
Everything in order, English?
Johnny English
I think you'll find it's more than just in order, sir. You are now entering the most secure location in the whole of England.
[a bomb explodes in the distance, killing all the British agents]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Sonic Chanting Enables Vision in Darkness
Johnny English
It may be pitch black, but we can still see.
Bough
How?
Johnny English
The Bedouin monks of the Al Magreb Mountains developed a system of sonic chanting.
Bough
I see, sir.
Johnny English
The sound of their chanting would bounce back off any obstacles, and using their highly tuned ears they could paint a mental picture of the path ahead.
Bough
Brilliant, sir.
Johnny English
However, you must always sing in E-flat. E-E-E-E flat, E-E-E flat, E-flaaaaaaat! Thaaaaank you for the music, the songs I'm singing--
[singing]
Bough
Is it working, sir?
Johnny English
Extremely well, thank you, Bough. Thanks for all the joy they're-- Ow!
[singing; Johnny hits the tunnel wall]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Questioning a Unusual Tattoo Message
Johnny English
Do you or do you not have tattooed on your bottom the words, "Jesus is coming – look busy"?
[Addressing the Archbishop of Canterbury, who he believes to be an impostor]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
English's Foolishness Highlighted by Sauvage
Pascal Sauvage
Clearly, the aptly-named English is a fool.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Chanting of the Bedouin Monks Explained
Johnny English
Have you heard of the chanting of the Bedouin monks of the Almaghreb mountains?
[speaking to Bough]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Call for Immediate Arrest and Detention
Johnny English
Arrest that man... and lock him away!
[after accidentally being crowned king; points to Sauvage after a pause; the crowd cheers as four guards take Sauvage away]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Mistakes Are Unfamiliar to Johnny English
Johnny English
The word mistake sir is not one that appears in my dictionary.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Mr. Bean as Her Majesty's Trusted Agent
Taglines
The star of Mr. Bean is now Her Majesty's most trusted agent.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Decision Between Action and Inaction
Lorna Campbell
What are you going to do, Johnny? Sit in this grotty flat feeling sorry for yourself, or are you gonna get out there and save your country?
Johnny English
I'm gonna sit in the flat.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Fearless Yet Clueless Character
Taglines
He knows no fear. He knows no danger. He knows nothing.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Curious Inquiry About Unique Bird Species
Johnny English
Are you familiar with the shaman throat warblers of the Guatemalan Delta?
[speaking to Lorna]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
British Intelligence Awaits Your Attention
Taglines
Prepare for British Intelligence.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Coronation Announcement by the Archbishop
Archbishop
I crown you...
Archbishop
...King.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Blood Tests and Frustration in Dialogue
Johnny English
My God, what have they done to you?
Elderly Man
They've taken some of my blood.
Johnny English
Bastards.
Elderly Man
It's only for tests
Johnny English
Of course it is, come on my friend, lets get you out of here before they take anything else
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Frustration Over a Country's Compliance
Pascal Sauvage
Shut up! All this stupid little country has to do is stand in line and do what it's told for one miserable day! But can it do that? My fragrant French Ass it can!
[furious because his coronation has been interrupted by English, pulls a gun on crowd]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Lighthearted Reminder to Stay Composed
Johnny English
Oh, pull yourself together, it's only a little bit of poo!
[After climbing into a castle via the sewage system]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Defending England Against All Odds
Johnny English
You might have taken me, but you'll never take England. Not as long as I have breath in my body or a bullet in my gun.
[English pulls the trigger, but poo splurts out instead of a bullet]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Investigation of a Professional Assailant
Pegasus
It's an unmitigated disaster, English!
Johnny English
I couldn't agree more, sir.
Pegasus
Well, we need to get those jewels back, English, and fast! Now tell me about this assailant. Because when they searched the room later, there was no sign of him.
[English is momentarily distracted by the sight of Pegasus's secretary (who he accidentally tranquilized earlier) scooting past the doors outside in a wheelchair, glaring at him]
Johnny English
Well, the man was clearly a professional. He must have escaped while the Queen was being sedated.
[Uncomfortable; the 'assailant' was made up by him to account for him accidentally knocking a man out]
Pegasus
But he's the only lead we've got, English! We have to find him. Oh, come in. This is-this is Roger from Data Support. He'll produce a likeness based on your description. So tell us, what did this man look like?
[A man with a laptop walks into the room]
Johnny English
Well, he was... big.
Roger
Hair colour?
Johnny English
Umm... orange.
[looks around the room for ideas and spots a fruitbowl]
Pegasus
Orange?
[skeptical]
Johnny English
Mmh. And curly. Well, frizzy, actually. Frizzy sort of thing.
Johnny English
An eye patch, broken nose, very few teeth. Two, I would say at the most. And a scar on his cheek... in the shape... of a banana.
Roger
Which cheek?
Johnny English
Both cheeks. They sort of met in the middle.
Pegasus
Are you sure about this, English?
Johnny English
AH! Oh, that's him, An uncanny resemblance. Why, it's just as if he's in the room with us.
[surprised by'' made-up appearance'']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Appreciation for a Powerful Weapon
Johnny English
(first lines) Ah, the Heckler and Koch G-36. Quite deadly in the right hands.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Landing on Soft Ground
Bough
Are you all right, sir?
Johnny English
Yes, I landed on something quite soft.
Bough
That was me, sir.
Johnny English
Oh, good.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Seeking Information from the Doctor
Johnny English
Now, perhaps you could direct me to your evil paymaster.
Doctor
What are you talking about?
Johnny English
You know exactly what I'm talking about. Where is the office of Pascal Sauvage?
Bough
Are you coming over here in a minute, sir?
[over com-link]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Cultural Clashes and Unpleasant Encounters
Lorna Campbell
You obviously haven't met our host, Monsieur Sauvage.
[watching Sauvage, who Johnny thinks is a waiter, standing just behind him]
Johnny English
No, thank God! You know, I think I'd rather have my bottom impaled on a giant cactus than exchange pleasantries with that jumped-up Frenchman. As far as I'm concerned, the only thing the French should be allowed to host is an invasion.
Johnny English
Sorry, can I help?
Pascal Sauvage
Pascal Sauvage, jumped-up Frenchman.
Lorna Campbell
Lorna Campbell. I've been so looking forward to meeting you.
Pascal Sauvage
Enchanté.
Pascal Sauvage
But of course, you're Johnny English. I've heard all about you.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Johnny English Greets His Colleagues
Johnny English
Good morning, gentlemen! MI7 at your service.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Conflict During a Crowning Ceremony
Archbishop
I crown you--
[preparing to crown Sauvage]
Johnny English
Dammit!
[fails to grab the banner; swings back and forth on the wire]
Pascal Sauvage
Give it back!
[hands the orb and scepter back to the Archbishop and then springs up from the throne]
Johnny English
No!
Pascal Sauvage
That is my crown!
Johnny English
Never!
Pascal Sauvage
GIVE IT BACK!!!
Johnny English
Never in a million years, Sauvage!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Nostalgia for the Classic Agent's Pen
Johnny English
Oh, reminds me of the old service-issue ballpoint. I remember every agent would carry a pen that looked just like this. Completely innocent to the untrained eye, but, click it twice--
[picks up a snazzy-looking golden ballpoint pen on the secretary's desk; clicks the pen twice, accidentally firing a mini-dart, which hits the secretary in the buttocks. She collapses]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Unconventional Secret Agent: Johnny English
Taglines
When it comes to secret agents, there's the smooth, there's the sophisticated... and there's Johnny English.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Survival in the Kalahari Desert
Johnny English
I've been dropped into the Kalahari desert, carrying nothing but a toothbrush and a packet of Sherbet Lemons, and I still found my way to Bulawayo before Ramadan.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.