Johnny English (2003) - Quotes

Taglines: When it comes to secret agents, there's the smooth, there's the sophisticated... and there's Johnny English.

Taglines: He's the kind of secret agent the Secret Service keeps secret.

Taglines: The star of Mr. Bean is now Her Majesty's most trusted agent.

Taglines: Prepare for British Intelligence.

Taglines: He knows no fear. He knows no danger. He knows nothing.

Archbishop: I crown you...

Archbishop: ...King.

Archbishop: [preparing to crown Sauvage] I crown you--

Johnny English: [fails to grab the banner; swings back and forth on the wire] Dammit!

Pascal Sauvage: [hands the orb and scepter back to the Archbishop and then springs up from the throne] Give it back!

Johnny English: No!

Pascal Sauvage: That is my crown!

Johnny English: Never!

Pascal Sauvage: GIVE IT BACK!!!

Johnny English: Never in a million years, Sauvage!

Johnny English: Now, perhaps you could direct me to your evil paymaster.

Doctor: What are you talking about?

Johnny English: You know exactly what I'm talking about. Where is the office of Pascal Sauvage?

Bough: [over com-link] Are you coming over here in a minute, sir?

Johnny English: My God, what have they done to you?

Elderly Man: They've taken some of my blood.

Johnny English: Bastards.

Elderly Man: It's only for tests

Johnny English: Of course it is, come on my friend, lets get you out of here before they take anything else

Lorna Campbell: [watching Sauvage, who Johnny thinks is a waiter, standing just behind him] You obviously haven't met our host, Monsieur Sauvage.

Johnny English: No, thank God! You know, I think I'd rather have my bottom impaled on a giant cactus than exchange pleasantries with that jumped-up Frenchman. As far as I'm concerned, the only thing the French should be allowed to host is an invasion.

Johnny English: Sorry, can I help?

Pascal Sauvage: Pascal Sauvage, jumped-up Frenchman.

Lorna Campbell: Lorna Campbell. I've been so looking forward to meeting you.

Pascal Sauvage: Enchanté.

Pascal Sauvage: But of course, you're Johnny English. I've heard all about you.

Johnny English: It may be pitch black, but we can still see.

Bough: How?

Johnny English: The Bedouin monks of the Al Magreb Mountains developed a system of sonic chanting.

Bough: I see, sir.

Johnny English: The sound of their chanting would bounce back off any obstacles, and using their highly tuned ears they could paint a mental picture of the path ahead.

Bough: Brilliant, sir.

Johnny English: [singing] However, you must always sing in E-flat. E-E-E-E flat, E-E-E flat, E-flaaaaaaat! Thaaaaank you for the music, the songs I'm singing--

Bough: Is it working, sir?

Johnny English: [singing; Johnny hits the tunnel wall] Extremely well, thank you, Bough. Thanks for all the joy they're-- Ow!

Bough: Are you all right, sir?

Johnny English: Yes, I landed on something quite soft.

Bough: That was me, sir.

Johnny English: Oh, good.

Johnny English: [picks up a snazzy-looking golden ballpoint pen on the secretary's desk; clicks the pen twice, accidentally firing a mini-dart, which hits the secretary in the buttocks. She collapses] Oh, reminds me of the old service-issue ballpoint. I remember every agent would carry a pen that looked just like this. Completely innocent to the untrained eye, but, click it twice--

Pegasus: It's an unmitigated disaster, English!

Johnny English: I couldn't agree more, sir.

Pegasus: [English is momentarily distracted by the sight of Pegasus's secretary (who he accidentally tranquilized earlier) scooting past the doors outside in a wheelchair, glaring at him] Well, we need to get those jewels back, English, and fast! Now tell me about this assailant. Because when they searched the room later, there was no sign of him.

Johnny English: [Uncomfortable; the 'assailant' was made up by him to account for him accidentally knocking a man out] Well, the man was clearly a professional. He must have escaped while the Queen was being sedated.

Pegasus: [A man with a laptop walks into the room] But he's the only lead we've got, English! We have to find him. Oh, come in. This is-this is Roger from Data Support. He'll produce a likeness based on your description. So tell us, what did this man look like?

Johnny English: Well, he was... big.

Roger: Hair colour?

Johnny English: [looks around the room for ideas and spots a fruitbowl] Umm... orange.

Pegasus: [skeptical] Orange?

Johnny English: Mmh. And curly. Well, frizzy, actually. Frizzy sort of thing.

Johnny English: An eye patch, broken nose, very few teeth. Two, I would say at the most. And a scar on his cheek... in the shape... of a banana.

Roger: Which cheek?

Johnny English: Both cheeks. They sort of met in the middle.

Pegasus: Are you sure about this, English?

Johnny English: [surprised by'' made-up appearance''] AH! Oh, that's him, An uncanny resemblance. Why, it's just as if he's in the room with us.

Funeral Officer: Everything in order, English?

Johnny English: [a bomb explodes in the distance, killing all the British agents] I think you'll find it's more than just in order, sir. You are now entering the most secure location in the whole of England.

Lorna Campbell: What are you going to do, Johnny? Sit in this grotty flat feeling sorry for yourself, or are you gonna get out there and save your country?

Johnny English: I'm gonna sit in the flat.

Pascal Sauvage: [furious because his coronation has been interrupted by English, pulls a gun on crowd] Shut up! All this stupid little country has to do is stand in line and do what it's told for one miserable day! But can it do that? My fragrant French Ass it can!

Pascal Sauvage: Clearly, the aptly-named English is a fool.

Johnny English: [speaking to Lorna] Are you familiar with the shaman throat warblers of the Guatemalan Delta?

Johnny English: [speaking to Bough] Have you heard of the chanting of the Bedouin monks of the Almaghreb mountains?

Johnny English: [after accidentally being crowned king; points to Sauvage after a pause; the crowd cheers as four guards take Sauvage away] Arrest that man... and lock him away!

Johnny English: Good morning, gentlemen! MI7 at your service.

Johnny English: I've been dropped into the Kalahari desert, carrying nothing but a toothbrush and a packet of Sherbet Lemons, and I still found my way to Bulawayo before Ramadan.

Johnny English: [English pulls the trigger, but poo splurts out instead of a bullet] You might have taken me, but you'll never take England. Not as long as I have breath in my body or a bullet in my gun.

Johnny English: [Addressing the Archbishop of Canterbury, who he believes to be an impostor] Do you or do you not have tattooed on your bottom the words, "Jesus is coming – look busy"?

Johnny English: The word mistake sir is not one that appears in my dictionary.

Johnny English: [After climbing into a castle via the sewage system] Oh, pull yourself together, it's only a little bit of poo!

Johnny English: A good agent doesn't need gadgets. The only gadgets I've ever needed are a sharp eye, a finely tuned ear and a slightly bigger brain than is strictly necessary.

Johnny English: (first lines) Ah, the Heckler and Koch G-36. Quite deadly in the right hands.