18 quotes
Pregnancy Tests and Uncertain Conclusions
Rollo
Well, well... If it isn't MacGuff the crime dog! Back for another test?
Juno
I think the last one was defective. The plus sign looked more like a division sign, so I remain unconvinced.
Rollo
Third test today, Mama Bear. Your eggo is preggo, no doubt about it.
Tough Girl
It's really easy to tell. Is your nipples real brown?
[to Juno]
Rollo
Yeah. Maybe your little boyfriend's got mutant sperms. Knocked ya up twice.
Juno
Silencio, old man! Look, I just drank my weight in Sunny-D and I gotta go, pronto!
Rollo
Well, you know where the lavatory is.
Rollo
You pay for that pee stick when you're done! Don't think it's yours just cuz ya marked it with your urine!
[yells]
Rollo
Well, fertile Myrtle, what's the prognosis? Minus or plus?
Juno
I don't know. It's not seasoned yet. I'll take some of these. Nope... There it is. The little pink plus sign is so unholy.
[taking a pregnancy test; grabs some candy]
Rollo
That ain't no Etch-a-Sketch. This is one doodle that can't be un-did, homeskillet.
[as Juno shakes the test like a thermometer]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Conflict Over Revealing Baby's Sex
Ultrasound Technician
Well, there you have it. Would you like to know the sex?
Leah
Yes!
Juno
No!
Leah
Pleease, Juno, please!
Juno
No, there will be no sex!
Ultrasound Technician
Planning to be surprised when you deliver?
Juno
Well, no, but I want Mark and Vanessa to be surprised and if you tell me, I'll just, like, ruin everything.
Ultrasound Technician
Are Mark and Vanessa your friends at school?
Juno
No, no, no. They're the adoptive parents.
Ultrasound Technician
Oh, well, thank goodness for that.
Bren
(outraged) What the hell's that supposed to mean?
Ultrasound Technician
(uncomfortably) I just see a lot of teenage mothers come through here, and it's obviously a poisonous environment to raise a baby in.
Juno
How do you know I'm so poisonous? What if these adoptive parents turn out to be, like, evil molesters?
Leah
Or, like, stage parents.
Bren
They could be utterly negligent. Maybe they'll do a far shittier job of raising a kid than my dumbass step-daughter would. Have you considered that?
Ultrasound Technician
I guess not.
Bren
What is your job title exactly?
Ultrasound Technician
I'm an ultrasound technician, ma'am.
Bren
Well, I'm a nail technician and I think we both ought to just stick to what we know.
Ultrasound Technician
Excuse me?
Bren
Oh, you think you're so special because you get to play Picture Pages up there? Well, my five year old daughter could do that and let me tell you, she's not the brightest bulb in the tanning bed. So why don't you go back to night school in Mantino and learn a real trade?
Juno
Bren! You’s a dick! I love it!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Contemplating Adoption and Its Consequences
Juno
I was thinking I could, like, have this baby and give it to someone that like totally needs it; like a woman with a bum ovary or a couple of nice lesbos.
Leah
But then you're gonna get, like, huge, and your chest is gonna "milktate," and you're gonna have to, like, tell people that you're pregnant.
Juno
Yeah, but maybe they'll, like, canonize me for being so selfless.
Leah
Or maybe they'll, like, totally shit and be really, really mad and not let you graduate or go to Cabo for Spring Break.
Juno
I was gonna go to Gettysburg with Bleeker, anyway.
Leah
You should look at adoption ads. I see them all the time in the PennySaver.
Juno
They have ads for parents?
Leah
Yeah! "Desperately Seeking Spawn." Right next to, like, terriers and iguanas and used fitness equipment and stuff. It's, like, totally legit.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Responsibility and Consequences in Unexpected Situations
Mac
Tell me straight, Bren; do you think is this my fault?
Bren
I think kids get bored and they have intercourse. And I think Junebug was a dummy about it, Mac.
Mac
I am not ready to be a Pop Pop.
Bren
You're not gonna be a Pop Pop. Somebody else is going to find a precious blessing from Jesus in this garbage dump of a situation.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Confession of Unexpected Feelings
Juno
I think I'm in love with you.
Paulie
You mean as friends?
Juno
No, I mean for real. Cause you're, like, the coolest person I've ever met — and you don't even have to try, you know...
Paulie
I try really hard, actually.
Juno
You're, like, naturally smart and you're not like everyone else. You don't stare at my stomach all the time, you look at my face and every time I see you, the baby starts kicking super hard.
Paulie
It does?
Paulie
Wizard.
Juno
I think it's cause my heart starts pounding every time I see you.
Paulie
Mine too.
Juno
That's all I could ask for. You're gold, man.
Paulie
Can we make out now?
Juno
Yeah.
[kisses him]
Leah
(seeing them) Hey, you know, you can go into early labor sucking face like that!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Embracing the Unknown of Motherhood
Vanessa
How do I look?
[holding the baby for the first time]
Bren
Like a new mom. Scared shitless.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Uncertainty and Misunderstanding Among Friends
Juno
So, I'm not really sure how I'm gonna spit this out...
Bren
Hon, did you get expelled?
Juno
No. The school would most likely contact you in the event of my expulsion.
Bren
Well, I was just asking; it seemed plausible enough, given your record of generally being the worst human in existence.
Mac
What do you need, a large amount of money? Legal council? Need to pay off a Mexican drug lord?
Juno
No, I'm not asking for anything... except for maybe mercy. Like, it would be friggin sweet if no one hit me.
Mac
Well, what have you done, Junebug? Did you hit someone with the Previa?
Leah
Dude, I think it's best to just tell em.
[to Juno]
Juno
...I'm pregnant.
Bren
Oh, God.
Juno
But, uh ah, I'm going to give it up for adoption and I already found the perfect couple. They're going to pay for the medical expenses and everything. And in... what, ah... thirty-odd weeks, we can just pretend that this never happened.
Mac
You're pregnant?
Juno
I'm sorry. I'm sorry... And if it's any consolation, I have heartburn that's radiating in my knee caps and I haven't taken a dump since Wednesday... morning!
Bren
I didn't even know that you were sexually active.
Juno
I, uh...
Mac
Who is the kid?
Juno
The-the baby? I don't really know much about it other than, I mean, it has fingernails, allegedly.
Bren
Nails, really?
Juno
Yeah!
Mac
No, I know. I mean, who's the father, Juno?
Juno
Umm... It's Paulie Bleeker.
Mac
Paulie Bleeker?
[in amusement]
Juno
What?
Mac
I didn't think he had it in him!
Leah
I know, right?
Mac
All right, this is no laughing matter.
Juno
No, it's not... and, you know, Paulie is actually great... in, uh... in chair.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Pregnancy and Parental Concerns in Juno
Vanessa
Your parents are probably wondering where you are.
Juno
Nah, I'm already pregnant, so what other kind of shenanigans could I get into?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Humor in an Awkward Situation
Receptionist
Welcome to Women Now, where women are trusted friends. Please put your hands where I can see them and surrender any bombs.
Juno
Hey, I'm here for the big show?
Receptionist
Your name, please.
Juno
Juno MacGuff.
Receptionist
I need you to fill these out, both sides. And don't skip the hairy details. We need to know about every score and every sore. Would you like a free condom? They're boysenberry.
Juno
No, thank you. I'm off sex.
Receptionist
My boyfriend uses them every time we have intercourse. They make his junk smell like pie.
Juno
...
[awkwardly walks away]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Encounters and Unpleasant Experiences
Leah
Dude, what are you doing here!? I'm supposed to come get you at 4.
Juno
I couldn't do it, Leah! It smelled like a dentist office in there, and there were these horrible magazines with water stains. And then the friggin receptionist is trying to give me these condoms that look like grape suckers, and just babbling away about her friggin boyfriend's pie balls.
[pacing]
Leah
Yum!
Juno
And Su-Chin was there, and she was like, "Oh hi! Babies have fingernails." Fingernails!
Leah
That's gruesome. You think the baby can scratch your vag on the way out?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Decisions in Relationships
Mark
I'm leaving Vanessa.
[dancing with Juno]
Juno
What?!
[pulls away from him]
Mark
I'm getting a place in the city. I've got it all planned. This is something I've been wanting to do for a long time.
Juno
No!
Mark
No?
Juno
No! You definitely... can't do that. That's one big, fat sack of no!
Mark
What is the matter?
Juno
I mean, you guys are supposed to take care of this, ya know?!
[touching her belly]
Mark
I thought you'd be cool with this.
Juno
Cool!? I want things to be perfect! I don't want them to be shitty and broken like everyone else's family.
Mark
...
Juno
Look, I'll have the baby and Vanessa's gonna be so happy. You just-
Mark
A baby's not gonna fix everything, I don't even know if I'm ready to be a father.
Juno
But you're old!
Mark
...How do you think of me? You know, why are you over here?
[scoffs]
Juno
...I-I just like being a piece of furniture in your weird life.
Mark
This. This is what my life has become. I mean, ya know, I got stuff in boxes. I'm, I'm underground. That's appealing to you?
Juno
This is my fault.
Mark
No.
Juno
Is Vanessa, like, mad at you because of me or something?
Mark
It's got nothing to do with it. Vanessa and I aren't in love anymore.
Juno
Well, you were in love when you married her! And if you're in love once, you can be in love again like my friend Leah, who's been with the same guy, like, four different times. You're just not trying hard enough!
[getting emotional]
Mark
I'm such an idiot. I can't believe what an idiot I am.
Juno
No, you know what, Mark? Do not divorce your wife. Will you please just do me a solid and stay with Vanessa?
Mark
...You're so young.
Juno
I'm not that young, okay? I'm sixteen! Alright, I'm old enough to know when someone's acting like a total a-hole. Oh, and you know what? I bought another Sonic Youth album and it sucks! It's just noise!
[turns to leave; storms out]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Dreaming of Future Pets
Juno
We don't even have a dog!
Bren
No, because you're allergic to their saliva. I have sacrificed a lot for you, Juno. But in a couple years, when you move out, I'm going to get Weimaraners.
Juno
WHOA, DREAM BIG!
Bren
Oh, go fly a kite!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Surprise in a Father's Response
Juno
Dad!
[After her water breaks]
Mac
What?
Juno
Either I just peed my pants or...
Mac
...Or?!
Juno
THUNDERCATS ARE GOOOOOO!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Introduction and Small Talk Among Characters
Mac
And this, of course, is Juno.
Mark
Like the city in Alaska.
Juno
No.
Mark
No? Shall we sit down and get to know one another?
[pause]
Vanessa
Oh, I thought I would get some drinks. What would anyone like? I have Pellegrino, or Vitamin Water, or Orange Juice with folic acid or...
Juno
I'll have a Maker's Mark. Up.
Vanessa
...
Mac
She's kidding. Junebug has a wonderful sense of humor. Just one of her many genetic gifts.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Frustration with Medical Protocols
Juno
Bren, when do I get that friggin spinal tap thing?!
[in labor]
Bren
It's called a spinal block and you can't have it yet, honey. The doctor said you're not dilated enough.
Juno
Come on! I mean, it's like I have to wait for it to get worse! Why can't I just have the friggin thing now?!
Bren
Honey, doctors are sadists who like to play God and watch lesser people scream.
Juno
Ahhhhhhh!
Bren
Oh, shit. Excuse me! Can we give my kid the damn spinal tap already?!
[yelling out in the hall]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Importance of True Love and Acceptance
Juno
I just need to know that it's possible that two people can stay happy together forever.
Mac
It's not easy, that's for sure. I don't have the best track record in the world, I know, but I've been with your stepmother for ten years now and I'm proud to say that we're very happy. Look... In my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still gonna think the sun shines out of your ass. That's the kind of person worth sticking with.
Juno
Yeah... I think I've found that person.
[thinking of Paulie]
Mac
Sure, you have. Your old D-A-D!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Old Testament Humor in Adoption Discussion
Juno
Can't we just, like, kick this old school? You know, like I stick the baby in a basket, send it your way, like Moses and the reeds?
Mark
Technically, that would be kicking it Old Testament.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Humor Amid Serious Conversations in Juno
Leah
Yo, yo, yiggity yo.
[on the phone]
Juno
I'm a suicide risk.
Leah
Juno?
Juno
No, it's Morgan Freeman. Do you have any bones that need collecting?
[sarcastically]
Leah
Only the one in my pants!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.