L.A. Story Quotes

Sara Why didn't you tell me you had just broke up with someone?

Harris How do you know I just broke up with someone?

Sara Because when men just break up with someone, they always run around with someone much too young for them.

Harris She's not so young. She'll be 27 in four years.

SanDeE So, what do you think?

Harris I think it was a total washout.

SanDeE God, it really clears out your head.

Harris Head? Head? You should go back in there and tell them they're doing it wrong. Well, it was a great lunch and enema, thanks.

Harris K. Telemacher Why is it that we don't always recognize the moment when love begins but we always know when it ends?

Harris K. Telemacher Let us just say I was deeply unhappy, but I didn't know it because I was so happy all the time.

Harris K. Telemacher I like the relationships. I mean, each character has his own story. The puppy is a bit too much, but you have to over look things like that in these kinds of paintings. The way he's holding her... it's almost... filthy. I mean, he's about to kiss her and she's pulling away. The way the leg's sort of smashed up against her... Phew... Look how he's painted the blouse sort of translucent. You can just make out her breasts underneath and it's sort of touching him about here. It's really... pretty torrid, don't you think? Then of course you have the onlookers peeking at them from behind the doorway like they're all shocked. They wish. Yeah, I must admit, when I see a painting like this, I get emotionally... erect.

Trudi Sheila has been studying the art of conversation.

Harris Oh, you're taking a course in conversation?

Sheila Yes.

Harris K. Telemacher I could never be a woman, cause I'd just stay home and play with my breasts all day.

Harris Hello, this is Harris. I'm in right now, so you can talk to me personally. Please start talking at the sound of the beep.

Sara Hello?

Harris Hello.

Sara Hello?

Harris Hello.

Sara Is this a person?

Harris Yes, it is a person.

Harris K. Telemacher I've been thinking about myself and I think I can become the kind of person that's worth you staying for. First of all, I'm a man who can cry. Now it's true, it's usually when I've hurt myself, but it's a start.

Sara What did you have in mind?

Harris Well, I was thinking of taking you on a cultural tour of L.A.

Sara That's the first fifteen minutes, then what?

Harris All right, a cynic. First stop is six blocks from here.

Sara Why don't we walk?

Harris Walk? A walk in L.A.?

Sara And if I were to go?

Harris All I know is, on the day your plane was to leave, if I had the power, I would turn the winds around, I would roll in the fog, I would bring in storms, I would change the polarity of the earth so compasses couldn't work, so your plane couldn't take off.

Roland Sara just got off a plane from London.

Trudi Oh, you must be exhausted.

Sara Yes, I'm shattered, but it's nothing that some sleep and a good fuck wouldn't cure, as my sister used to say. Ha ha ha.

Roland You'll have to forgive Sara.

Sara Oh, it was just... it was just a figure of speech. I've been on a plane for twelve hours next to a crying baby.

Tom I'll have a decaf coffee.

Trudi I'll have a decaf espresso.

Morris I'll have a double decaf cappuccino.

Ted Give me decaffeinated coffee ice cream.

Harris I'll have a half double decaffeinated half-caf, with a twist of lemon.

Trudi I'll have a twist of lemon.

Tom I'll have a twist of lemon.

Morris I'll have a twist of lemon.

Cynthia I'll have a twist of lemon.

Harris Ordinarily, I don't like to be around interesting people because it means I have to be interesting too.

Sara Are you saying I'm interesting?

Harris All I'm saying is that, when I'm around you, I find myself showing off, which is the idiot's version of being interesting.

Maitre D You think with a financial statement like this you can have the duck?

Harris I'm not kissing anyone hello anymore.

Trudi Well just shake hands with them.

Harris Are you kidding? I just wash my hands and I shake hands with some guy that feels like he's been squashing caterpillars.

Harris When I really analyze it, Trudi wasn't for me anyway. The only good times we had were having sex and laying in bed watching TV.

Ariel I hate to tell you this, Harris, but if you can find somebody you can have sex with and lie in bed and watch TV, you've really got something.

Crook Hi. My name is Bob. I'll be your robber.

Harris Hi, how are you?

Crook Thank you very much.

Harris K. Telemacher Sitting there at that moment I thought of something else Shakespeare said. He said, "Hey... life is pretty stupid; with lots of hubbub to keep you busy, but really not amounting to much." Of course I'm paraphrasing: "Life is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

Harris K. Telemacher Hello, L'Idiot? Yes, I'd like to make reservations for two for Friday. Saturday? Sunday? Ah good. Eight-thirty. Five-thirty or ten-thirty? Um, five-thirty. Visa... I'm a weatherman... yes, I'm on TV! Renting... I just sold a condo... yes, in this "soft market"... well, I don't see how that's any of your... the low fifties.

Harris K. Telemacher Forget for this moment the smog and the cars and the restaurant and the skating and remember only this. A kiss may not be the truth, but it is what we wish were true.

Harris SanDeE, your... your breasts feel weird.

SanDeE Oh, that's cause they're real.