30 quotes
Captain Hawkeye's Suggestion for a Scar
Captain Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce
Let's give him a sexy scar, huh? Fantastic.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Misunderstanding Amidst Chaos and Urgency
Hot Lips
Oh my God! They've shot him!
Colonel Blake
Hot Lips, you incredible nincompoop! It's the end of the quarter.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Hospital or an Insane Asylum?
Major Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan
This isn't a hospital, it's an insane asylum!
[to Henry]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Desire Expressed in Crude Terms
Capt. "Trapper" John Francis Xavier McIntyre
No. No food. Sex. I want sex. Bring me some sex. No, no, no, that one. Bring me that one over there. That one. The sultry bitch with the fire in her eyes. Take her clothes off! I want that one, yes. Take her clothes off and bring her to me now.
[The others call for Storch, but Trapper John points at Hot-Lips]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Disruption During Golf Games
Capt. "Trapper" John Francis Xavier McIntyre
I wish they wouldn't land those things here while we're playing golf.
[As a helicopter attempts to land on the helipad where they are standing]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Questioning Frank's Religious Convictions
Captain Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce
Frank, were you on this religious kick at home, or did you crack up over here?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Comment on Nurse's Value Beyond Appearance
Capt. "Trapper" John Francis Xavier McIntyre
It's a good thing you have a nice body, nurse, otherwise they'd get rid of you quick.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Privilege of Restoring Life
Captain Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce
You have the rare privilege that happens on certain occasions to chief executives of states or nations. You have the privilege of restoring a human being's life by a tender act of mercy.
[Trying to convince Lt. Dish to sleep with Painless.]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Bold Declaration in Chaos
Capt. Walter Koskiusko "Painless Pole" Waldowski
All right bud, your fucking head is coming right off!
[During football game]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Humor in Chaos: M*A*S*H Perspective
Taglines
M*A*S*H Hysteria
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Reunion in M*A*S*H
Trapper
Finally caught up with us, huh?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Essence of Manhood and Purpose
Capt. Walter Koskiusko "Painless Pole" Waldowski
If a man isn't a man anymore . . . what's he got left that he should be living for?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Pride in Military Service Through Challenging Times
Lieutenant Colonel Henry Braymore Blake
Ever since the dark days before Pearl Harbor, I have been proud to wear this uniform.
[to Brigadier General Charlie Hammond]
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A Playful Declaration of Affection
Major Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan
Oh, Frank, my lips are hot! Oh, kiss my hot lips!
[in the middle of sex]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Identity and Humor in a Unique Statement
Captain Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce
Who am I? I am the pro from Dover, and this is my favorite caddy.
[Indicates Trapper John]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
True M*A*S*H Fans Know the Original Film
Taglines
You're not a real M*A*S*H fan until you've seen the original. (1982 re-release)
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Humorous Take on Military Dentistry
Hawkeye
No, no. Old Painless is what we call the, ah, "best equipped dentist in the army".
Surgeon
I'd dearly love to see that angry!
[as he walks away from the shower]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
M*A*S*H's Bold Statement on War's Impact
Taglines
M*A*S*H Gives A D*A*M*N.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Desperate Plea for Attention
Major Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan
Oh, Frank, strangle me!
[in the middle of sex]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Duke's Bargain for Going Home
Capt. Augustus Bedford "Duke" Forrest
Fair is fair, Henry. If I nail Hot Lips and punch Hawkeye, can I go home?
[Watching Frank Burns leave]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unprecedented Surgical Skills Ahead
Captain Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce
Baby we're gonna see some stitching like you never saw before.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Disappointment in a Major's Distraction
Captain Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce
Oh, come off it, Major! You put me right off my fresh fried lobster, do you realize that? I'm going to go back to my bed, I'm going to put away the best part of a bottle of scotch . . . and under normal circumstances, you being normally what I would call a very attractive woman, I would have invited you back to share my little bed with me, and you might possibly have come. But you really put me off. I mean, you're what we call a regular army clown.
[to Major Margaret Houlihan]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Doctor's Demands Before Surgery
Capt. "Trapper" John Francis Xavier McIntyre
Look, mother, I want to go to work in one hour. We are the Pros from Dover and we figure to crack this kid’s chest and get out to the golf course before it gets dark. So you go find the gas-passer and you have him pre-medicate this patient. Then bring me the latest pictures on him. The ones we saw must be 48 hours old by now. Then call the kitchen and have them rustle us up some lunch. Ham and eggs will be all right. Steak would be even better. And then give me at least ONE nurse who knows how to work in close without getting her tits in my way.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Army as Home: A Personal Perspective
Major Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan
I like to think of the army as my home.
[to Hawkeye]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Critique of Frank Burns' Attitude Towards Death
Capt. Augustus Bedford "Duke" Forrest
Oh, now damn it, Henry. Frank Burns is a menace! Every time a patient croaks on him, he says it's God's will or somebody else's fault.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Playful Challenge to Charlie
Lieutenant Colonel Henry Braymore Blake
How do ya like them apples, Charlie?
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Focus on Training, Not Distractions
Lieutenant Colonel Henry Braymore Blake
Alright men, we're not here to sell lemonade, we're here to practice!
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Struggling with Identity and Self-Discovery
Capt. Walter Koskiusko "Painless Pole" Waldowski
I'm a fairy. A victim of latent homosexuality. I've turned into a fairy.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Call to Protect the Squirrels
Capt. Augustus Bedford "Duke" Forrest
Take care of the squirrels.
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M*A*S*H - Capt. "Trapper" John Francis Xavier McIntyre
Capt. "Trapper" John Francis Xavier McIntyre
Well, you know, Man o War, after they retired him from racing, they put him out to stud. And he had, on an average, uh, about a hundred and twenty, a hundred and thirty foals every year. And he lived to be thirty-six. And then when he died, they did an autopsy, and they found out that he was a raving queen.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.