Men in Black II (2002) - Quotes

Agent J: [J is hiding Laura at the Worms' place] Here's my communicator, in case you need it.

Worms: [Laura kisses Jay] Whooooh! Nice move.

Agent J: Okay. Uh... just... watch out for Neeble.

Laura: Which one's Neeble?

Agent J: Um... err... which one o y'all's Neeble?

Neeble: [in the hot tub] Yo, mama!

Mannix: Oy, Neeble.

Agent J: Ah, there ya go. And... uh... don't fall asleep.

Worms: Twister!

Agent K: You did not see a room full of shiny weapons. You did not see four alien nightcrawlers. You will cherish and love each other for the rest of your lives.

Agent J: Which could be the next 27 or 28 minutes, so y’all should get to lovin’ and cherishin’. Oh, and she can stay up late as she want and have cookies and candy and cake and junk and stuff.

Agent K: Does that come standard?

Agent J: Actually it came wit a black dude, but he kept gettin’ pulled over.

Agent J: Wait, what are you doing?

Agent K: I always did the driving.

Agent J: Oh, no.

Agent K: I remember that.

Agent J: [[w:Ford LTD Crown Victoria|Crown Victoria; [w:Mercedes-Benz|Mercedes; points at Kay; points at himself; K looks at J for a second, then J hands the keys over] No, what you remember is that you used to drive that old busted jawn (referring to the ]). See, I drive the new hotness (referring to the ]). Old and busted. New hotness. Old, busted hotness.

Zed: How'd it go?

Michael Jackson: Drolacks are gone and the treaty is signed.

Zed: Good work.

Michael Jackson: Zed? What about that position you promised me in Men in Black?

Zed: Still working on the Alien Affirmative Action Program, I'll keep you posted.

Michael Jackson: Wait a minute, that's not what you promised me!

Zed: You're– you're breaking up!

Michael Jackson: Zed? Hello? I could be Agent M!

MIB Customs Agent: Any fruit or vegetables?

Serleena: [motioning towards Scrad] Yeah, two heads of cabbage.

Frank: [singing "[[w:I Will Survive|I Will Survive] ]"] "... and I learned to get along, and so you're back from outer space, I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face, I should have changed that stupid lock, I should have made you leave your key, if I had known for just one second you'd be back to bother me, go on, now go, walk out the door...

Agent J: Frank! Bring your head in this window before I roll it up in there.

Frank: [Sits further away from the window; Starts humming the melody, looking anxiously out the window] Got it!

Agent J: FRANK!

Peter Graves: Although no one has ever been able to prove their existence, a quasi-government agency known as the Men in Black supposedly carries out secret operations here on earth in order to keep us safe from aliens throughout the galaxies. Here is one of their stories that "never happened" from one of their files that "doesn’t exist".

Frank the Pug: [[w:Lara Flynn Boyle|Lara Flynn Boyle] (upon seeing Ben's skin only) Hey, J, zero percent body fat! (Homage to ].)

Worms: [[worm] Once you've had ], that’s what you'll yearn!

Grand Central Station Locker Creatures: K is back! The light keeper! All hail K! All hail K! Oh, K, can you see by the dawn's early light...

Jeebs: (head is growing back after J shot it off) Oh, great, right in the pie-hole! Now nuttin’s gonna taste right!

MIB Guard: [after J and K come to stop Serleena, he's reading a tabloid that says "Satan Escapes from Hell."] It's about time you guys got here. That pretty lady in there is causin’ all kinds-a-hell.

Laura: When we're kids, before we're taught how to think, or what to believe, our hearts tell us there is something else out there. I know what I saw. You tell me what I'm supposed to believe.

Laura: An hour ago, a man I've known my whole life vanished in front of my eyes because of a woman with things coming out of her fingers and a two-headed guy with the IQ of a cannoli. So yeah, everything's okay.

Serleena: Oh, yummy. Someone I need to eat.

Serleena: Here's the deal. I lose, you lose. I win, everything keeps spinning.

Serleena: So feisty.

Serleena: Prisoners of MIB. The scum of the universe. Well, now it's the scum's turn.

Serleena: Silly little planet. I could rule the place with the right set of mammary glands.

Agent J: So what's it like on the outside? Not doin’ this every day?

Agent J: Man, tell it to the hand.

Agent J: [after seeing the Grand Central Station Locker Creatures’ ”large adult entertainment section”] That's just nasty.

Agent J: [After K calls for him to leave, to Newton and Hailey] Oh, and there ain't no such thing as aliens or Men in Black.

Agent J: [After neuralizing Newton and Hailey] Okay, first, get some contact lenses, ‘cause joints look like they can pick up cable. Second, take her to Cambodia. Get her a lobster dinner. Pay more than a dollar. Third, the second y'all get back from Cambodia... move your bum ass out of your mom's house. Boy, you like forty years old.

Agent J: Yeah, every Saturday night you'd be like, "Flush me J., Flush me." and I'd be like, "Naw.

Agent J: [[w:Dwayne Johnson|The Rock] About to lay the smack-down on your candy ass! (In homage to ])

Agent J: Jeff, I am so not in the mood for you! Get back in the subway! Right now!

Agent J: [after Frank the Pug suggests the "good cop, bad cop thing"] How about we do the good cop, dumb dog thing, and you just shut up?

Agent J: [J has just saved a whole subway of passengers from being eaten alive by Jeff, the giant worm-like alien, who chewed off about 98% of the subway train before retreating; ''Neuralizes subway passengers''; feigning fear; [worm; ''Neuralizes subway passengers again, regains his composure''; ''walks off, neuralizing Capt. Bridgewater in the process''] The City of New York would like to thank you for participating in our drill. Had this been an actual emergency, y'all woulda been eaten. Cause you don't listen. You're ignorant. How a man gon come bashin thru a subway when — That's the problem with all y'all New Yorkers. "Oh, we seen it all." "Oh, no! A 600 ft. ]! Save us, Mr. Black Man!" And I come in, I ask ya nice, move to the next car! Y'all just sit there like... Thank you for participating in our drill. Hopefully you enjoyed our new, smaller, more energy-efficient subway cars. Watch your step, you all have a nice evening.

Agent J: [passengers ignore him] Transit Authority, people! We need to move to the forward car, there's a bug in the electrical system. Yo! People! We got a bug in the electrical system!

Agent J: [to Jeff] Sweet dreams, big boy!

Agent J: [Jeff attacks T] Jeff, excuse my partner. He's new and he's... ...kinda stupid.

Agent K: It's nice. Sleep late on the weekends. Watch the Weather Channel. I did miss this city.

Agent K: [After coffee has been spilt at the post office.] Get a mop, and escort all civilian personnel from this site immediately.

Agent K: I never worked in a funeral home. Somethin’ I can do for you, Slick?