Mulan (1998) - Quotes

Fa Zhou: [surprised] Mulan?

Fa Mulan: Father, I've brought you the sword of Shan-Yu, and the Crest of the Emperor. They're gifts to honor the Fa Family.

Fa Zhou: [looks at Mulan, drops the gifts, and hugs her] The greatest gift in honor is having you for a daughter. I've missed you so.

Fa Mulan: I've missed you too, Baba.

Grandmother Fa: [watching them] Great. She brings home a sword. If you ask me, she should've brought home a ma-

Captain Li Shang: [Mother Fa and Grandmother Fa stare at Shang, then point in toward the house] Excuse me. Does Fa Mulan live here? Thank you.

Grandmother Fa: Woo! Sign me up for the next war!

Captain Li Shang: [approaches Fa Zhou and Mulan; to Fa Zhou] Honorable Fa Zhou, I - Mulan! Uh, you forgot the helmet. Well, actually your helmet, isn't it? I mean...

Fa Mulan: [takes the helmet; to Shang] Would you like to stay for dinner?

Grandmother Fa: [off-screen] Would you like to stay forever?!

Captain Li Shang: Dinner would be great.

Mushu: [to Great Ancestor] Come on. Who did a good job? C'mon, tell me who did a good job.

Great Ancestor: [sighs] All right. You can be a guardian again.

Mushu: [excitedly; Cri-Kee rings the gong; all the ancestors come out] AAAAAHHH-HAAAAAAA! WHOOHOOHOOHOOHOOOO! Take it, Cri-Kee Hit it!

Ancestor Man 1: You know, she gets it from my side of the family!

Mushu: [swings on a chain; falls off and goes sliding out the Temple door] CALL OUT FOR EGG ROLLS!

Great Ancestor: [grumbles to himself] Guardians.

Fa Mulan: [kisses him on the forehead] Thanks, Mushu.

Great Ancestor: [last line] Mushu!

Shan-Yu: [steps into the balcony next to the Emperor, to Hun Bald Man 1 and 2; they walk off down the stairs that lead to the balcony, pacing around the Emperor] Boo. Guard the door. Your walls and armies have fallen, and now it's your turn. Bow to me.

Fa Mulan: [behind the pillar] Okay, any questions?

Yao: [behind the pillar; Mulan slaps him] Does this dress make me look fat? Ow!

Hun Archer: Who's there?

Hun Bald Man 2: Concubines.

Hun Bald Man 1: Ugly concubines.

Ling: [waving daintily, speaking to Yao] Oh, he's so cute.

Captain Li Shang: [from around the corner putting his head down into his hand] Aww.

Mushu: [to Cri-Kee sitting above him] Now that's what I call Mongolian Barbeque.

Fa Mulan: [calling out] Shang, go!

Shan-Yu: [furiously yelling and angrily putting his sword at the emperor's throat] I tire of your arrogance, old man. BOW TO ME!!!

The Emperor: [calm] No matter how the wind howls, the mountain cannot bow to it.

Shan-Yu: [enraged; draws back his sword to strike the Emperor] Then you will kneel in pieces!

Fa Mulan: Chien-Po, get the Emperor!

Chien-Po: [standing in front of the Emperor and bowing; lifts up the Emperor and runs over to Mulan who is by a rope attached to a column in the balcony. Chien-Po uses his sash as a pulley and rides down the rope to the ground] Sorry, your Majesty.

Shan-Yu: [watches the Emperor leave Shan-Yu losing control of his rage and screaming; and uses his free arm to elbow Shang in the face. Shan-Yu gets up and head-butts Shang and throws him to the ground] NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

Yao: [motioning her to follow] Come on!

Shan-Yu: [looks down at the crowd and realizes he cannot find the Emperor among the throng of people; pulls out his sword lodged in the column and turns and looks back and sees Mulan looking concerned, holding up Shang. Shan-Yu furiously pulls out his sword lodged in the column and angrily heads toward them. As Shang sees Shan-Yu approaching, he puts his arm in front of Mulan to ask her to leave and takes out his knife; Mulan slides away. Shan-Yu angrily comes up to Shang, furiously knocks away his knife, violently punches him in the face, and angrily grabs Shang by his cape] No. YRRAAAAAHHHH! You... You took away my victory!

Fa Mulan: [throws her shoe at Shan-Yu in the head and bounces back to her feet. Shan-Yu turns toward her; pulls her hair back] No! I did.

Shan Yu: [dumbstruck; angrily released Shang by his cape, and trying to walking and kill her] The soldier from the mountains...

Mushu: So what's the plan?

Fa Mulan: Umm...

Mushu: YOU DON'T HAVE A PLAN?!

Fa Mulan: [skids to a stop as she sees the fireworks display; points to the fireworks] Hey, I'm making this up as I- go. Mushu!

Mushu: [jumps from window onto a black butterfly kite and use the wings to soar over toward the fireworks tower. Enraged, Shan-Yu attacks Mulan, and she shinnies up a pole. Shan Yu cuts down the pole, and Mulan and the pole go through the wall. Mulan jumps up and grabs onto the roof and pulls herself up. She looks across to where Mushu and Cri-Kee are gathering ammunition; lands on fireworks using the butterfly kite as wings] Way ahead of ya, sister! Come on, Cri-Kee! Citizens, I need firepower.

Fireworks people: Who are you?!

Mushu: Your worst nightmare.

Man in Crowd 1: On the roof!

Man in Crowd 2: Look!

Shan-Yu: [his last words before his death; lunges with his sword] It looks like you're out of ideas.

Fa Mulan: [calling out] Not quite. Ready, Mushu?!

Mushu: [behind Shan-Yu tied to a large rocket firework; blows fire onto a stick and hands the stick to Cri-Kee who's standing on the firework] I AM READY, BABY! Light me!

Fa Mulan: [jumps back up to the crest of the roof and runs away from the fireworks tower grabbing Mushu and Cri-Kee off the sword] Get off the roof, get off the roof, get off the roof.

Mushu: [landing and flying backwards on his butt a couple of times pointing at the fireworks; catches Cri-Kee with antenna on fire as Cri-Kee falls toward him; pinches out the fire on Cri-Kee's antenna] Ah ha ha ha ha! You are a lucky bug.

Chi-Fu: THAT WAS A DELIBERATE ATTEMPT ON MY LIFE! WHERE IS SHE?! NOW she's done it! WHAT A MESS! Stand aside, that creature's not worth protecting!

Captain Li Shang: She's a hero!

Chi-Fu: Tis a woman. She'll never be worth anything!

Captain Li Shang: Listen, you POMPOUS...

The Emperor: [approaching slowly down the steps] That...is...enough.

Captain Li Shang: Your Majesty, I can explain.

The Emperor: [smiles] I've heard a great deal about you, Fa Mulan. You stole your father's armor, ran away from home. Impersonated a soldier, deceived your commanding officer, dishonored the Chinese Army, destroyed my palace! And... You have saved us all.

Mushu: [sniffle; to Cri-kee] My little baby's all grown up and... ...and savin China. You have a tissue?

The Emperor: Chi-Fu.

Chi-Fu: Your Excellency?

The Emperor: [indicating Mulan] See to it that this woman is made a member of my council.

Chi-Fu: [sputters] A member of...what? But - uh - there are no council positions open, Your Majesty.

The Emperor: [to Mulan] Very well. You can have his job.

Chi-Fu: [faints] Wha-? I-

Fa Mulan: With all due respect, Your Excellency, I think I've been away from home long enough.

The Emperor: [takes off his personal crest; gives her the sword of Shan Yu] Then take this, so your family will know what you have done for me. And this, so the world will know what you have done for China.

Yao: Is she allowed to do that?

Captain Li Shang: Um...You...You fight good.

Fa Mulan: [disappoined; mounts Khan; leaves] Oh. Thank you. Khan, let's go home.

The Emperor: [walks up to Shang] The flower that blooms in adversity is the most rare and beautiful of all.

Captain Li Shang: Sir?

The Emperor: [puts his hat back on and walks off] You don't meet a girl like that every dynasty.

Fa Mulan: [realizes her mistake and pulls the blanket back on] I can explain!

Chi-Fu: [enters with a gasps] So it's true!

Fa Mulan: Shang!

Chi-Fu: [yanking Mulan out of the tent; revealing her hair out of a bun; throws her to the ground] I knew there was something wrong with you! A woman! Treacherous snake!

Fa Mulan: My name is Mulan! I did it to save my father.

Chi-Fu: HIGH TREASON!

Fa Mulan: I didn't mean for it to go this far!

Chi-Fu: ULTIMATE DISHONOR!

Fa Mulan: It was the only way! Please, believe me!

Chi-Fu: [Shang walks over to Khan and takes out Mulan's sword. Khan rears back and Mushu are shocked; to the soldiers holding Khan] Captain? Restrain him.

Yao, Ling and Chien-Po: [horrified] NO!

Chi-Fu: [stops them] You know the law.

Captain Li Shang: [to the soldiers] A life for a life. My debt is repaid. Move out!

Chi-Fu: [shocked] But you can't just...

Captain Li Shang: [grabs Chi-Fu] I said move out.

Mushu: [uses the tip of an arrow to roast a piece of food over a tiny fire] I was this close. This close! To impressing the ancestors, getting the top shelf, in entourage...man. All my fine work. Hi.

Fa Mulan: I should never have left home.

Mushu: [sobbing] Hey C'mon. You wanted to save your father's life. Who knew you'd end up shaming him, disgracing your ancestors and losing all your friends. Y'know, you just gotta learn to let these things go.

Fa Mulan: [picks up her helmet; sheds a tear; throws the helmet aside] Maybe I didn't go for my father. Maybe what I really wanted was to prove that I could do things right. So I looked in the mirror, I'd see someone worthwhile. But I was wrong. I see nothing.

Mushu: [spits on the helmet; Mulan looks away, leaving him sad; Mulan smiles. Cri-Kee then cries; Cri-Kee nods; turns to Khan; Khan snorts, he groans and throws Cri-Kee] Hey, that's just cause this needs a little spit, that's all. Let me shine this up for you. I can see you, look at you, you look so pretty. The truth is; we're both frauds. Your ancestors never sent me, they don't even like me. I mean, you risked your life to help people you love. I risked your life to help myself. At least you had good intentions. What?! What do you mean you're not lucky?! You lied to me?! And what are you, a sheep?!

Fa Mulan: I'll have to face my father sooner or later. Let's go home.

Mushu: Yeah. This ain't gonna be pretty. But don't you worry, okay? Things will work out. We started this thing together and that's how we'll finish it. I promise.

Fa Mulan: [gasps] Huh?

Mushu: [points to the opposite direction Mulan is heading] Home is that way!

Fa Mulan: I have to do something.

Mushu: Did you see those Huns!? They popped out of the snow, like daisies!

Fa Mulan: Are we in this together or not?

Mushu: Well, let's go kick some Huny buns!

Captain Li Shang: What happened?

Fa Mulan: Um...

Captain Li Shang: [an arrow hits his shoulder, throwing him off the horse. Huns appear on a cliff, and arrows shower down on the soldiers.] You just gave away out position! Now we're-- Get out of range!

Captain Li Shang: [The soldiers pass the cannons from the wagon to each other. The wagon gets hit by a flaming arrow, and Mulan cuts Khan's reins and mounts him. The wagon explodes, sending Mushu and Cri-Kee flying. Mulan falls off the horse.] Save the cannons!

Mushu: [Mulan grabs Mushu and her sword and runs over to the other soldiers.] Oh, sure, save the horse.

Captain Li Shang: [The soldier lights the cannon, and it explodes on the mountain. More follow.; There is no sound from the Huns, who are no longer on the cliffs.] Fire! Fire! Hold the last cannon.

Captain Li Shang: Prepare to fight. If we die, we die with honor.

Captain Li Shang: [Yao aims the cannon.] Aim the cannon at Shan Yu.

Yao: [Aiming at the overhang.] Hey!

Captain Li Shang: Ping! Come Back! Ping!

Captain Li Shang: STOP!!

Mushu: [Mulan is attacked by Shan Yu's hawk, and loses the match.] Okay, you might want to light that right about now, Quickly, quickly!

Yao: [The Gang of Three run toward Mulan, swinging their swords.] C'mon, we gotta help!

Mushu: You missed! How could you miss?! He was three feet in front of you!

Mushu: [riding down the snow in a shield; He pulls a Hun's head out of the snow.; He reaches down and pulls out Cri-Kee.] Mulan!! Mulan! Mulan? Nope. Mulan! Man, you are one lucky bug.

Fa Mulan: [She pulls him up onto the saddle.] Shang!

Chien Po: [holding up Yao] Do you see them?

Yao: [He fits an arrow, which is tied to a length of rope, and shoots it toward Mulan.; The rope slips through his hands.] Yes! Perfect! Now I'll pull them to safety!

Mushu: [sliding near Mulan and Shang] Mulan! I found a lucky cricket!

Fa Mulan: [The arrow flies near them, Mulan grabs it and ties it around Khan.] We need help!

Mushu: [to Cri-Kee; They climb up onto Khan, and notice the cliff.; Mulan shoots the arrow up as they fall off the cliff.] Ooh, nice. Very nice! You can sit by me! Aaaugh!!! We're gonna die! We're gonna die! We're definitely gonna die! No way we survive this! Death is coming!

Yao: [crying; looks surprised as the arrow, complete with rope, lands in his hands. He is dragged toward the cliff edge, soldiers jumping on top of him.] I let them slip through my fingers...

Yao: Pull!

Mushu: I knew we could do it! You the man! Well, sort of.

Ling: Step back, guys. Give him some air!

Captain Li Shang: [breathing heavily] Ping, you are the craziest man I ever met. And for that, I owe you my life. From now on, you have my trust.

Ling: Let's hear it for Ping, the bravest of us all!

Yao: You're King of the Mountain!

Captain Li Shang: [Mulan moves her hands to reveal blood.; Mulan sinks into unconsciousness.] Ping! What's wrong? He's wounded! Get help! Ping, hold on. Hold on.

Chorus: [singing] For a long time we've been marching off to battle.

Yao: [singing] In our thundering herd, we feel a lot like cattle.

Chorus: [singing] Like the pounding beat, our aching feet aren't easy to ignore.

Ling: [singing] Hey, think of instead a girl worth fighting for!

Mulan: Huh?

Ling: [singing] That's what I said: a girl worth fighting for / I want her paler than the moon with eyes that shine like stars.

Yao: [singing] My girl will marvel at my strength, adore my battle scars!

Chien Po: [singing] I couldn't care less what she'll wear or what she looks like. It all depends on what she cooks like beef, pork, chicken, mmm...

Yao: [singing] Bet the local girls thought you were quite the charmer!

Ling: [singing] And I bet the ladies love a man in armor!

Chorus: [singing] You can guess what we have missed the most since we went off to war!

Ling: [singing] What do we want?

Chorus: [singing] A girl worth fighting for!

Yao: [singing] My girl will think I have no flaws!

Chien Po: [singing] That I'm a major find!

Fa Mulan: [singing] How bout a girl who's got a brain, who always speaks her mind?

Yao, Chien Po and Ling: Nah!

Ling: [singing] My manly ways and turn of phrase and sure to thrill her!

Yao: [singing] He thinks he's such a lady-killer!

Chi-Fu: [singing] I've a girl back home who's unlike any other!

Yao: [singing] Yeah, the only girl who'd love him is his mother!

Chorus: [singing] But when we come home, in victory, they'll line up at the door!

Ling: [singing] What do we want?

Chorus: [singing] A girl worth fighting for!

Ling: [singing] Wish that I had...

Chorus: [singing; whistles; stops suddenly, the Chinese army stare in horror at the charred and burning remnants of a small village. They walk through it] ... a girl worth fighting for! A girl worth fighting...

Captain Li Shang: Search for survivors!

Captain Li Shang: I don't understand. My father should've been here.

Chi-Fu: [They turn to see a bloody battlefield full of dead Chinese soldiers. Chien Po hands the general's helmet to Shang] Captain!

Chien-Po: The... general.

Fa Mulan: I'm sorry.

Captain Li Shang: [mounts his horse] The Huns are moving quickly. We'll make better time to the Imperial City through the Tung Shao pass. We're the only hope for the Emperor now. Move out!

Chi-Fu: You think troops are ready to fight? Ha. They would not last a minute against the Huns.

Captain Li Shang: They completed their training.

Chi-Fu: Those boys are no more fit to be soldiers than you are to be Captain. Once the General reads my report, your troops will never see battle.

Mushu: [listening outside with Cri-Kee] Oh, no, you don't. I've worked too hard to get Mulan into this war. This guy's messin with my plan.

Captain Li Shang: We're not finished!

Chi-Fu: Be careful, Captain. The General may be your father, but I am the Emperor's counsel. And, oh, by the way, I got that job on my own. You're dismissed.

Fa Mulan: [chuckles] Hey. I'll hold him, and you punch. Or not. For what it's worth, I think you're a great captain.

Mushu: I saw that.

Fa Mulan: What?

Mushu: [about Li Shang] You like him, don't you?

Fa Mulan: [denying] No.

Mushu: [angrily points to the tent; Mulan smiles and walks away; to Cri-Kee; they rush into the tent, as Chi-Fu humming strolls out, dressed in a towel, a hat, a slippers, and uses long handle bath brush. Switch scenes; Cri-Kee types out a letter, like a typewriter; reads; Cri-Kee chirps, salutes and hops around typing another letter; to Khan, drinking water] Yeah, right, sure. Go to your tent! I think it's time we took this war into our own hands. Okay, let me see what you got. "From General Li. Dear Son, we're waiting for the Huns at the pass. It would mean a lot if you'd come and back us up." Hmm, that's great. Except that you forgot: And since we're out of potpourri, perhaps you wouldn't mind bringing up some. HELLO!!! This is the army! Make it sound more urgent, please! You know what I'm takin about?! That's better, much better, let's go! Khaney, baby. Hey, we need a ride.

Chi-Fu: [storming from the lake with one slipper missing; shouts angrily; muttering furiously; suddenly squeals like a girl as the panda eats his other slipper] Insubordinate ruffians... YOU MEN OWE ME A NEW PAIR OF SLIPPERS! And I do not squeal like a girl...

Mushu: [on the panda, disguised as a messenger by using a puppet; Chi Fu eyes the panda warily] Urgent news from the General. What's the matter? Never seen a black-and-white before?

Chi-Fu: [takes the message, but stares at the puppet suspiciously] Who are you?

Mushu: Excuse me?! I think the question is "who" are "you"?! WE'RE IN A WAR, man! There's no time for stupid questions. I should have your hat for that; snatch it right off your head. But I'm feeling gracious today, so, carry on before I report you.

Chi-Fu: [rushes back to the tent] Captain! Urgent news from the General! We're needed at the front!

Mushu: Pack your bags, Cri-kee. We're moving out.

Mushu: This is such a bad idea. What if somebody sees you?

Fa Mulan: Just because I look like a man doesn't mean I have to smell like one.

Mushu: So a couple of guys don't rinse out their socks. Picky, picky, picky. Well, myself, I kind of like that cornchip smell.

Fa Mulan: [splash to Mushu, she takes a bathing and rinse her hair in the lake] Ahhh.

Mushu: All right. That's enough. Get out before you get all pruny and stuff.

Fa Mulan: Mushu, if you're so worried, go stand watch.

Mushu: [talking and acting like a girl] Yeah, yeah. Stand watch, Mushu, while I blow our secret with my stupid girl habits. Pfft, Hygiene.

Yao: Me first! Me first! Me first!

Mushu: [seeing Yao, Ling, and Chien Po run to the lake where Mulan is bathing] Oh, we're doomed! There are a couple things I know they're bound to notice!

Yao: Hey, Ping.

Fa Mulan: Oh, hi, guys. I didn't know you were here. I was just washing, so now I'm clean, and I'm gonna go. Bye-bye.

Ling: Come back here. I knew we were jerks to you before, so let's start over. Hi, I'm Ling.

Chien Po: And I'm Chien Po.

Fa Mulan: Hello, Chien Po.

Yao: [standing on a rock] And I am Yao, king of the rock! And there's nothin you girls can do about it!

Ling: Oh, yeah? Well, I think Ping and I can take you.

Fa Mulan: I really don't want to take him anywhere.

Ling: Ping, we have to fight.

Fa Mulan: No, we don't. We could just...close our eyes...and - swim around...

Ling: [Mushu bites Ling on each leg] Come on, don't be such a- Ouch! Something bit me.

Mushu: Ugh! Ach! What a nasty flavor.

Ling: [he and Chien Po scramble onto the rock with Yao] SNAKE!

Yao: OOOH, SNAKE!

Chien Po: SNAKE! SNAKE!

Ling: [Yao shoves him off the rock and onto the water] Some king of the rock.

Fa Mulan: Boy, that was close.

Mushu: [brushes his teeth with the toothpaste in his mouth; spits it out and squirts more toothpaste in his mouth and brushes again] No. That was vile. You owe me big!

Fa Mulan: I never want to see another naked man again.

Mushu: Hey, don't look at me, I ain't biting no more butts.

Shan-Yu: [tosses the doll to his soldiers] What do you see?

Hun Twin 1: Black pine, from the high mountains.

Hun Twin 2: White horse hair, Imperial stallions.

Hun 3: [sniffs doll] Sulfer from cannons.

Shan-Yu: This doll came from a village in the Tung Shao Pass, where the Imperial Army's waiting for us.

Hun Archer: We can avoid them easily.

Shan-Yu: No. The quickest way to the Emperor is through that pass. Besides, the little girl will be missing her doll. We should return it to her.

Captain Li Shang: [to himself; passes training staffs to everyone] We've got a long way to go.

Captain Li Shang: [singing] Let's get down to business to defeat the Huns.

Recruits: Hua.

Captain Li Shang: [singing] Did they send me daughters when I asked for sons? / You're the saddest bunch I ever met / But you can bet before we're through / Mister, I'll make a man out of you...| Tranquil as a forest / But on fire within / Once you find your center, you are sure to win / You're a spineless, pale pathetic lot and you haven't got a clue / Somehow I'll make a man out of you.

Chien-Po: [singing] I'm never gonna catch my breath

Yao: [singing] Say goodbye to those who knew me.

Ling: [singing] Boy, was I a fool in school for cutting gym.

Mushu: [singing] This guy's got em scared to death.

Fa Mulan: [singing] Hope he doesn't see right through me.

Chien-Po: [singing] Now I really wish that I knew how to swim!

Captain Li Shang and Soldiers: [singing] Be a man, we must be swift as the coursing river / Be a man, with all the force of a great typhoon / Be a man, with all the strength of a raging fire / Mysterious as the dark side of the moon.

Captain Li Shang: [singing] Time is racing toward us till the Huns arrive / Heed my every order and you might survive / You're unsuited for the rage of war / So pack up, go home, you're through / How could I make a man out of you?

Captain Li Shang and Soldiers: [singing; song fades] Be a man, we must be swift as the coursing river / Be a man, with all the force of a great typhoon / Be a man, with all the strength of a raging fire / Mysterious as the dark side of the moon...| Be a man, we must be swift as a coursing river / Be a man, with all the force of a great typhoon / Be a man, with all the strength of a raging fire / Mysterious as the dark side of the moon...|

Mushu: [[Sleeping Beauty (1959 film)|Sleeping Beauty; takes the blanket; it has a fried-eggs-and-bacon smile on the bowl; Cri-Kee pops up from the porridge, Mushu tosses him out] All right, rise and shine, ]. Come on. Hup, hup, hup. Get your clothes on, get ready, got breakfast for ya. Look, you get porridge. And it's happy to see you. Hey, get outta there. You will make people sick.

Fa Mulan: Am I late?

Mushu: [stuffing breakfast into Mulan's mouth] No time to talk. Now remember, it's your first day of trainin', so listen to your teacher and no fightin', play nice with the other kids, unless, of course, one of the other kids wanna fight, then you have to kick the other kid's butts.

Fa Mulan: [muffled] But, I don't wanna kick the other kid's butts.

Mushu: [Mulan looks at him with mouth full of porridge] Don't talk with your mouth full. Now let's see your war face. Ooh, I think my bunny slippers just ran for cover. COME ON, SCARE ME, GIRL?!

Fa Mulan: RARRRR!!!!!

Mushu: [to Khan comes out into the tent] There, That's my tough-lookin warrior! That's my talkin about! Now get out there and make me proud! What do you mean the troops just left?

Fa Mulan: They what?!

Mushu: [to himself; whimpers] Wait, you forgot your sword! My little baby, off to destroy people.

Chi-Fu: Order. People, order.

Soldier: I'll have a pan-fried noodle.

Chien Po: Ooh, ooh, sweet-and-pungent shrimp.

Soldier: Moo goo gai pan.

Chi-Fu: That's not funny.

Ling: [to Mulan] Looks like our new friend slept in this morning. Hello, Ping. Are ya hungry?

Yao: Yeah, cause I owe you a knuckle sandwich!

Captain Li Shang: [all assemble into line] Soldiers! You will assemble swiftly and silently every morning. Anyone who act otherwise, will answer to me.

Yao: [sotto voice] Ooh, tough guy.

Captain Li Shang: [the soldiers step back, minus Yao; the Captain shoots up the arrow into the top of a pole] Yao. Thank you for volunteering. Retrieve the arrow.

Yao: [starts to climb the pole] I'll get that arrow, pretty boy, and I'll do it with my shirt on.

Captain Li Shang: [Chi-Fu comes forward with two bronze disks, which he hangs on Yao's wrists; Yao, Ling, Chien Po, and Mulan fail to recover the Arrow.] One moment. You seem to be missing something. This - represents discipline, and this - represents strength. You need both to reach the arrow.

Mushu: Okay, this is it. Time to show em your man walk. Shoulders back, chest high, feet apart, head up and strut. Two, three. Break it down. Hup, two, three. And work it. Beautiful, isn't it?

Fa Mulan: They're disgusting.

Mushu: No, they're men. And you're gonna have to act just like them, so pay attention.

Recruit: Look, this tattoo will protect me from harm.

Yao: [punches the recruit] Hmm.

Ling: [laughing] I hope you can get your money back.

Fa Mulan: [whispers to Mushu] I don't think I can do this.

Mushu: It's all attitude. Be tough, like this guy here.

Yao: [spits] What are you looking at?

Mushu: Punch him. It's how men say hello.

Chien Po: Oh, Yao. You've made a friend.

Mushu: Good. Now slap him behind. They like that.

Yao: Whoa ho ho! I'm gonna hit you so hard, it'll make your ancestors dizzy!

Chien Po: [picks up Yao; Yao growls and chanting] Yao, relax and chant with me. Nanuami tofu dah.

Yao: [chanting] Nanuamitofudah. Eh bleh bleh bleh bleh.

Chien Po: Feel better?

Yao: [whispers] Yeah. Ah, you ain't worth my time, chicken boy.

Mushu: [yelling at Yao] CHICKEN BOY"?! SAY THAT TO MY FACE, YOU LIMP NOODLE!

Yao: [insulted, he grabs Mulan and attempts to punch her and he misses accidentally punching Ling; grabs her leg, but Ling kick Yao to Chien Po and 3 men start fight and Mulan ran away] Oh. Sorry, Ling. Hey! Whoa! You're dead!

Ling: Oh, there he goes!

Fa Mulan: Hey, guys.

General Li: The Huns have struck here, here and here. I will take the main troops up to the Tung Shao Pass, and stop Shan-Yu before he destroys this village.

Chi-Fu: [laughs] Excellent strategy, sir. I do love surprises.

General Li: [gives his sword to Shang] You will stay and train the new recruits. When Chi-Fu believes you're ready, you will join us, Captain.

Captain Li Shang: Captain?

Chi-Fu: Huh. This is an enormous responsibility, General. Perhaps a soldier with more experience.

General Li: Number one in this class, extensive knowledge of training techniques, an "impressive military lineage." I believe Li Shang will do an excellent job.

Captain Li Shang: Oh, I will, I won't let you down. This is I mean, yes sir.

General Li: Very good then. We'll toast China's victory at the imperial city. I'll expect a full report in 3 weeks.

Chi-Fu: [walk out of the tent] And I won't leave anything out.

Captain Li Shang: [to himself; exits his tent to find the troops fighting each other; we see one soldier with a black eye salute, then faint] Captain Li Shang. Leader of China's finest troops. No, The greatest troops of all time.

Chi-Fu: Most impressive.

General Li: [his last words; mounts his horse; leaving away with the troops of the military lineage] Good luck, Captain. Yah!

Captain Li Shang: [to himself] Good luck, father.

Chi-Fu: [to Shang] Day one.

Captain Li Shang: [to the troops] Soldiers!

Soldiers: [all point to Mulan, disguised] HE STARTED IT!!

Captain Li Shang: I don't need anyone causing trouble in my camp.

Fa Mulan: [in her 'man' voice] Sorry... Uhh...I mean, uh, sorry you had to see that, but you know how it is when you get those, uh, manly urges, and you just gotta kill someone...fix things, uh, cook outdoors...

Captain Li Shang: What's your name?

Fa Mulan: Uh...I, I, uh...

Chi-Fu: Your commanding officer just asked you a question.

Fa Mulan: Uh, I've got a name. And it's a boy's name too.

Mushu: [whispering in Mulan's ear] Ling. How bout Ling?

Fa Mulan: His name is Ling.

Captain Li Shang: I didn't ask for his name. I asked for yours!

Mushu: Try, uh, Ah Chu.

Fa Mulan: Ah Chu.

Captain Li Shang: Ah Chu?

Mushu: [chuckles] Gesundheit. I kill myself.

Fa Mulan: Mushu.

Captain Li Shang: Mushu?

Fa Mulan: No

Captain Li Shang: Then what is it?!

Mushu: Ping. Ping was my best friend growin up.

Fa Mulan: It's Ping.

Captain Li Shang: Ping?

Mushu: Of course, Ping did steal my girl-

Fa Mulan: [muffles Mushu] Yes, my name is Ping.

Captain Li Shang: [He reads it] Let me see your conscription notice. Fa Zhou? The Fa Zhou?

Chi-Fu: I didn't know Fa Zhou had a son.

Fa Mulan: [tries to spit] He doesn't talk about me very much.

Chi-Fu: I can see why. The boy's an absolute lunatic.

Captain Li Shang: [they stop laughing] Okay, gentlemen, thanks to your new friend Ping, you'll spend tonight picking up every single grain of rice. And tomorrow, the real work begins.

Mushu: [to Mulan] You know, we'll have to work on your people skills.

Fa Mulan: [clear throat; Mulan speaking in her 'man' voice; accidentally drops sword, Khan neighs laughing and is hit with a shoe] Okay, how about this? Excuse me. Where do I sign in? Aha, I see you have a sword. I have one, too. They're very manly and tough. I'm working on it. Oh, who am I fooling? It's going to take a miracle to get me into the army.

Mushu: [his shadow appears surrounded by flames; mighty roars] Did I hear someone ask for a miracle?! Let me hear you say AAAH!

Fa Mulan: [in fear] AAH!

Mushu: That's close enough.

Fa Mulan: A ghost.

Mushu: [to Cri-kee; as behind the rocks with the fire] Get ready, Mulan. Your serpentine salvation is at hand! For I have been sent by your ancestors...to guide you through your masquerade! Come on, you're gonna stay, you're gonna work. So heed my word cause if the army finds out you're a girl, the penalty is DEATH!

Fa Mulan: Who are you?

Mushu: [comes out from behind the rocks] Who am I? Who am I?! I am the guardian of lost souls! I am the powerful, the pleasurable, the indestructible Mushu. I'm pretty hot, huh?

Fa Mulan: Uh, my ancestors sent a little lizard to help me?

Mushu: [sticks out his tongue] Hey, dragon. Dragon. Not lizard. I don't do that tongue thing.

Fa Mulan: You're...um...

Mushu: Intimidating? Awe-inspiring?

Fa Mulan: Tiny.

Mushu: [Khan snaps at him; Mulan slaps him; to Cri-kee] Of course. I'm travel size for your convenience. If I was my real size, your cow here would die of fright. Down, Bessie. My powers are beyond your mortal imagination. For instance, my eyes can see straight through your armor. Alright, that's it! Dishonor! Dishonor on your whole family! Make a note of this. Dishonor on YOU, dishonor on your COW, dis-

Fa Mulan: Stop, I'm sorry. It's just - I've never done this before.

Mushu: [to Khan] Then you're gonna have to trust me. And don't you slap me no more. We clear on that? All right. Okie-Dokie, let's get this show on the road. Cri-kee, get the bags. Let's move it, heifer.

Hun Soldier: Imperial Scouts.

Scout 1: Shan-Yu.

Shan-Yu: Nice work, gentlemen. You've found the Hun Army.

Scout 2: The Emperor will stop you!

Shan-Yu: [grabs Scout 2's throat; throws Scout 2 back on the ground; the two Scouts get up and run] Stop me? He invited me. By building his Wall, he challenged my strength. Well, I'm here to play his game. GO! Tell your Emperor to send his strongest armies. I'm ready. How many men does it take to deliver a message?

Hun Archer: [draws an arrow and taking aim] One.

Great Ancestor: [motioning to a bronze dragon] Mushu, awaken.

Mushu: [rising from the smoke arms stretched out] I LIIIIIVE!!!!!!! So, tell me, what mortal need my protection, Great Ancestor. You just say the word, and I'm there.

Great Ancestor: Mushu.

Mushu: And let me say something, anyone's who foolish to threaten our family- vengeance will be MIIIIINE!!!!!!! Grrrrrr... arrgh...

Great Ancestor: [losing control of his rage and yelling at Mushu] MUSHU! These are the family guardians. They...

Mushu: Protect the family.

Great Ancestor: And you, O Demoted One?

Mushu: I...ring the gong.

Great Ancestor: That's right. Now wake up the ancestors.

Mushu: [exasperated; bangs the gong] One family reunion, coming right up. Okay, people, people, look alive, let's go, come on, get up, let's move it, rise and shine, y'all way past the beauty sleep thing, trust me.

Ancestor Woman #1: I knew it, I knew it. That Mulan was a troublemaker from the start.

Ancestor Man #1: Don't look at me, she got it from your side of the family.

Ancestor Woman #2: She's just trying to help her father.

Ancestor Man #2: But if she's discovered, Fa Zhou will be forever shamed. Dishonor will come to the family. Traditional values will disintegrate!

Ancestor Farmer: Not to mention, they'll lose the farm.

Ancestor Woman #1: My children never caused such trouble, they all became acupuncturists.

Ancestor Man #1: Well, we can't all be acupuncturists.

Older Lady Ancestor: No, your great-granddaughter had to be a CROSS-DRESSER!

Ancestor Man #2: Let a guardian bring her back.

Ancestor Man #1: Yes, Awaken the most cunning.

Ancestor Man #3: No, the swiftest.

Ancestor Woman #3: No, send the wisest.

Great Ancestor: SILENCE! We must send the most powerful of all.

Mushu: [laughs; the ancestors look at him and laugh uproariously; blows a tiny flame] Okay, okay, I get the drift, I'll go. Well, y'all don't think I can do it? Watch this here. Ah-hah! Jump back, I'm pretty hot, huh? Don't make me have to singe nobody to prove no point.

Great Ancestor: You had your chance to protect the Fa Family.

Older Lady Ancestor: Your misguidance led Fa Deng to disaster.

Fa Deng: Yeah, thanks a lot.

Mushu: And your point is?

Great Ancestor: The point is we will be sending a real dragon to retrieve Mulan.

Mushu: What, What?! I'M A REAL DRAGON!!!

Great Ancestor: [outraged; grabs Mushu and throws him outside] YOU ARE NOT WORTHY OF THIS SPOT! NOW, AWAKEN THE GREAT STONE DRAGON!

Mushu: [the Great Ancestor angrily throws Mushu's gong and hits him in the face; to the dragon statue; the dragon statue is not waking, walks around, and starts shaking stick to fetch like a dog; whistling; Mushu angrily climbs up on the statue, dragging the gong; accidentally hits the ear of the dragon with a gong, and it falls off; the statue falls apart] So you'll get back to me on the job thing? Just one chance, is that too much ask? It's mean not like it'll kill ya. Yo, rocky wake up! Ya gotta go fetch Mulan! Come on, boy. Go get her. Go on. Come on. Grr. Grr. Hello? HELLOOO?! Hello! Uh-oh. Uh, Stony? Stony? Oh, man, they're gonna kill me.

Great Ancestor: Great stone dragon, have you awakened?

Mushu: [using the statue's head] Uh, yes, I just woke up! I am the Great Stone Dragon! Good Morning! I will go forth and fetch Mulan! Did I mention that I was the Great Stone Dragon?

Great Ancestor: Go! The fate of the Fa family rests in your claws.

Mushu: [loses his balance and tumbles down the hill, the dragon head landings on top of him; lifts the head off; Cri-Kee appears chirping; gasps; happily; Cri-Kee follows Mushu; Cri-Kee chirps; Cri-Kee chirps again] Don't even worry about it! I will not lose face! Oh, my elbow. Oh, oh. I know I twisted somethin'. That's just great, now what? I'm doomed and all cause Miss Man decided to take a little drag show on the road. Go get her? What's the matter with you? After this Great Stone, Humpty-Dumpty mess, I'd have to bring her home with a medal to get back in the temple. Wait a minute! that's it! I'll make Mulan a war hero, and they'll be begging me to come back to work. That's the master plan! Oh, you've done it now, man. What makes you think you're coming? You're lucky? Do I look like a sucker to you? What you mean a loser? How bout I pop one of your antennas off, and throw it across the yard then who's the loser, me or you?

Grandmother Fa: Mulan is gone!

Fa Zhou: [looks at Mulan's flower comb; finds his closet empty, then runs outside and calling out; stumbles while walking because of his leg injury] What? It can't be. MULAN!!!!!! No.

Fa Li: You must go after her. She could be killed.

Fa Zhou: If I reveal her, she will be.

Grandmother Fa: [to herself] Ancestors, hear our prayer. Watch over Mulan.

Fa Mulan: You shouldn't have to go!

Fa Li: Mulan...

Fa Mulan: There are plenty of young men to fight for China.

Fa Zhou: It is an honor to protect my country and my family.

Fa Mulan: So you'll die for honor.

Fa Zhou: I will die doing what's right.

Fa Mulan: But if you-

Fa Zhou: [losing control of his rage and yelling at Mulan] I know my place! It is time you learned yours.

Fa Mulan: [singing; song fades, Mulan sits on the bench under the blossom tree. Fa Zhou approaches and clears throat. Mulan sees him approaching and turns around. Fa Zhou sits down beside Mulan] Look at me / I will never pass for a perfect bride / Or a perfect daughter / Can it be / I'm not meant to play this part? / Now I see / That if I were to truly / To be myself / I would break my family's heart...| Who is that girl I see / Staring straight / Back at me? / Why is my reflection someone / I don't know? / Somehow I cannot hide / Who I am / Though I've tried / When will my reflection show / Who I am inside? / When will my reflection show / Who I am inside?

Fa Zhou: [looking up into the blossom tree; Mulan and Fa Zhou share smiles. Drums start pounding announcing the arrival of Chi Fu and 2 guards on horseback] My, my, what beautiful blossoms we have this year. But look, this one's late. But, I'll bet that when it blooms, it will be the most beautiful of all.

Fa Mulan: [Fa Zhou gets up and walks to the entrance of their house with Mulan following] What is it?

Fa Li: [Grandmother Fa clears her throat catched Mulan's attention with Mulan spies the railing near the wall and climbs up to watch over the roof] Mulan, stay inside.

Chi-Fu: [Reading from list] Citizens, I bring a proclamation from the Imperial City. The Huns have invaded China. By order of the Emperor, one man from every family must serve in the Imperial Army. The Hsiao Family, the Yi Family.

Son: I will serve the Emperor in my father's place.

Chi-Fu: The Fa Family.

Fa Mulan: [horrified] No.

Fa Zhou: [walks over to Chi Fu] I am ready to serve the Emperor.

Fa Mulan: Father, you can't go!!!

Fa Zhou: Mulan...

Fa Mulan: Please, sir, my father has already fought bravely, and-

Chi-Fu: [to Fa Zhou] Silence!!!! You would do well to teach your daughter to hold her tongue in a man's presence.

Fa Zhou: [disappointingly] Mulan, you dishonor me.

Chi-Fu: [hands Fa Zhou a scroll] Report tomorrow at the Wu Zhong Camp.

Fa Zhou: Yes, sir.

Chi-Fu: [continues to read] The Chu Family, the Chang Family, the Yong Family.

The Matchmaker: [her first words] Fa Mulan.

Fa Mulan: Present.

The Matchmaker: [to herself, writes on clipboard] Speaking without permission.

Fa Mulan: Oops.

Grandmother Fa: [whispering to Fa Li] Who spit in her bean curd?

The Matchmaker: [Cri-Kee escapes from his cage. Mulan attempts to catch him; Mulan puts Cri-Kee in her mouth when Matchmaker turns around to face her] Hmm, too skinny. Hmph, not good for bearing sons. Recite the final admonition.

Fa Mulan: [nodding and smiling] Mmm-Hmm.

The Matchmaker: Well?

Fa Mulan: [takes out fan and covers her mouth as she spits out Cri-Kee; looking at her arm with smeared writing; looks at her arm again; now rapidly; fanning herself rapidly and sighing in relief] Fulfill your duties calmly and ref- spectfully. Reflect before you snack- act. This shall bring you honor and glory. Huh.

The Matchmaker: [snatches the fan and looks at it on both sides; grabs Mulan's right arm pulling her along while smearing the writing and leaving some ink on her hand; smears ink around her mouth. Mulan staring at her while pouring some tea onto the table. Then notices her mistake and pours the tea into the cup; Mulan notices Cri-kee in the tea-cup as the Matchmaker takes the cup] Hmmm. This way. Now, pour the tea. To please your future in-laws, you must demonstrate a sense of dignity and refinement. You must also be poised.

Fa Mulan: Um, pardon me.

The Matchmaker: And silent!

Fa Mulan: [begins to climb on table, reaching for the teacup] Could I just - take that back? One moment!

The Matchmaker: [begins to leap around the room, due to Crikee being in her dress. She knocks over the furnace, accidentally sits on the coal in sizzles, and begins jumps around and screams even mores, Mulan attempts to help by fans her behind, causes it to burst into blue flames and crashes] Why you clumsy-!

Grandmother Fa: [to Fa Li] I think it's going well. Don't you?

The Matchmaker: [her last words; Mulan throws the tea on her and puts out the fire. She bows, hands the teapot back to her and covers her face as she walks toward Fa Li and Grandma Fa. Crikee jumps back into his cage; throws down and smashes the teapot; storms off] PUT IT OUT! PUT IT OUT!! PUT IT OUT!!! You are a DISGRACE!!! You may look like a bride, but you will never bring your family honor!?

Fa Mulan: [notes the answers on her right arm; rooster calling; Little Brother is a dog sleeping; helps out Little Brother to start feeding the chickens and runs by draggin sack of feed] Quiet and demure. Graceful. Polite. Delicate. Refined. Poised. Punctual. Ai-yah! Little Brother? Little Brother? There you are. Who's the smartest doggy in the world? Come on, smart boy. Can you help me with my chores today?

Fa Zhou: [praying the ancestors; Little Brother runs by dragging a sack of feed; chickens start pecking the grain left behind] Honorable ancestors, please help Mulan impress the matchmaker today. Please, please help her.

Fa Mulan: [helps Little Brother a bone and chewing the bone with the stick; accidentally breaks a teacup] Father, I brought your - Whoa!

Fa Zhou: [holding a teapot with his cane] Mulan.

Fa Mulan: I brought a spare.

Fa Zhou: Mulan.

Fa Mulan: The doctor said 3 cups of tea in the morning...

Fa Zhou: Mulan.

Fa Mulan: ...and 3 at night.

Fa Zhou: Mulan, you should already be in town. We are counting on you to-

Fa Mulan: [runs off] Uphold the family honor. Don't worry, Father. I won't let you down. Wish me luck!

Fa Zhou: [Little Brother looks at him while chewing his bone] Hurry! I'm going to pray some more.

Guard: [runs to the tower and up the ladder as Hun Bald Man #1 and Hun Long Hair Man appear trying to stop him. Hun Bald Man #1 breaks the ladder with his sword just as Guard reaches the top. The guard picks up the torch to light the fire and sees Shan-Yu jump over the edge of the tower and looks at him across from the caldron. The guard throws the torch into the caldron lighting a large fire. Shan-Yu watches as each tower lights their caldrons one by one] WE'RE UNDER ATTACK!! LIGHT THE SIGNAL!! Now all of China knows you're here.

Shan-Yu: [his first words; taking the flag and holding it over the fire and burns a nearby flag] Perfect.

General Li: [his first words] Your Majesty, the Huns have crossed our Northern Border.

Chi-Fu: Impossible. No one can get through the Great Wall.

General Li: Shan Yu is leading them. We'll set up defenses around your palace immediately.

The Emperor: No. Send your troops to protect my people. Chi-Fu.

Chi-Fu: Yes, Your Highness?

The Emperor: Deliver conscription notices throughout all the provinces. Call up reserves and as many new recruits as possible.

General Li: Forgive me, Your Majesty, but I believe my troops can stop him.

The Emperor: I won't take any chances, General, a single grain of rice can tip the scale. One man may be the difference between victory and defeat.